Damn. That's cold... 
How to break up after 8 years
- Thread starter Naira
- Start date
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
My last girlfriend broke up with me by phone. Although she did see me one last time, but only because she wanted her Crock Pot back.
At the risk of sounding unsympathetic, the truth is that the more you go through that kind of thing, the easier it becomes to handle it. Still, sorry you had to go through it. I never got back a pair of sunglasses and my copy of "Brave New World" from an ex I broke up with a few years ago.
Shit happens.Mercifully, I figured out a few years ago that I could handle being rejected by strangers and not have it reflect (internally, at least) negatively in any way on me but also that when things do end with someone I'd been with, that walking away (whether I was the one dumped or doing the dumping) it's better to just keep moving forward.
I know a guy here in L.A. who terrifies me. He's a friend of a friend. Nice guy, but absolutely, completely hung up on this one ex who ditched him. It's been nearly five years since they parted ways, but he's still expecting her to "see the light" and come back to him, because he believes his only value, his only worth in the world will come when he's at last her husband and father to her children. He's a smart, funny guy who could probably get any girl he found himself attracted to but he's completely living in the past about this former ex.
He terrifies me because I look at him and I see what I could have become after a particularly bad breakup I went through a few years ago. A lot of the particulars are the same. I managed to move on though. I can't throw a stick down Venice Beach without hitting some actress I never called back or who never called me back.
The point I'm trying to make (not just for you, MLB, but for everyone) is that dating is a numbers game. The more people you date, the easier it is to navigate through the various permutations of what kind of relationship you will have with each person. Got dumped? It's a lot easier the 5th time as opposed to the 1st. She doesn't think you guys are a good match? No problem. It's easy to shrug off on Girl #40.
Naira:
I'm sorry to read that you are going through all this. It can't possibly be an easy situation for either of you to be in and while I know it must be awful, it says a lot about you that you care enough about him still to seek advice about how to handle this. He may not believe you if you tell him you did a lot of thinking about this before taking action, but however agonizing this all must be, it sounds like you've made up your mind that it's the right thing to do for both of you. I hope it works out well, even if it gets ugly.
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This has been a difficult thread for me to read because I've been on the receiving end. I hope the advice in this thread has helped you Naira, and that you're doing okay. The loss of a possible future can be really difficult, and we are here to support you if you need it.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
I think this is the hardest thing for me to deal with when I find myself in the throes of any breakup.
Indeed. +1.
Sorry to hear you are going through this, Naira, but glad most people here have been giving you good advice. There's obviously no easy way to end such a lengthy (and apparently presently healthy) relationship, so quick and to the point works best.
I've been the dumper and the dumpee. I think I actually felt worse being the dumper. That's probably not what you want to hear. It's definitely not easy or fun, either way.
I've been the dumper and the dumpee. I think I actually felt worse being the dumper. That's probably not what you want to hear. It's definitely not easy or fun, either way.
I am in need for some advice.
I have been in a relationship with a great guy for the past 8+ years. I love him dearly but it has come to the point where I see there is no future since we want different things from our lives. I know that letting the relationship go on can only make me miserable in the long run and, no matter how much I do not want to admit it, I know deep inside that I should end it.
This has been my only relationship and I have no experience in such things. Being honest and open and making clear the reasons why I cannot go on seems right. However, I do not know how to do it. I am afraid that it will be easy for me to get pulled back into the relationship because we truly love wach other very much.
Do you have any past experience in similar situations? Did you find a way to make things a bit easier emotionally?
If you have a close female friend, you can let him catch the two of you in bed together. "Oh honey, we have to talk..."
I'm kidding.
The best approach it the band-aid approach. Tear it off quickly. It will hurt, but not for long and soon he'll be feeling better.
I am in need for some advice.
I have been in a relationship with a great guy for the past 8+ years. I love him dearly but it has come to the point where I see there is no future since we want different things from our lives. I know that letting the relationship go on can only make me miserable in the long run and, no matter how much I do not want to admit it, I know deep inside that I should end it.
This has been my only relationship and I have no experience in such things. Being honest and open and making clear the reasons why I cannot go on seems right. However, I do not know how to do it. I am afraid that it will be easy for me to get pulled back into the relationship because we truly love wach other very much.
Do you have any past experience in similar situations? Did you find a way to make things a bit easier emotionally?
I am in the same boat. 8 years and need to get out. It sucks...
My advice would be to do what I seem unable to do. Rip off the band-aide and hope for the best. I have not been able to do it yet even though I know in my heart that I must.
Worst feeling ever.
> great guy
>I see there is no future since we want different things from our lives
The future is something you make. What you are saying is you want something different than what you have now.
> I love him
I dont know any more of the issue than what you wrote, but is seems more like you dont, or your idea of love is more about "what my partner can give me" than "what we can do together". You can think about that before making your decision.
Or not, I'm just a random stranger from the internet.
>I see there is no future since we want different things from our lives
The future is something you make. What you are saying is you want something different than what you have now.
> I love him
I dont know any more of the issue than what you wrote, but is seems more like you dont, or your idea of love is more about "what my partner can give me" than "what we can do together". You can think about that before making your decision.
Or not, I'm just a random stranger from the internet.
In the past arranged marriages were the norm. We complicated what was initially a way to share costs and bridge feuds with sentiment. History with an partner isn't all important but it isn't unimportant either. I rather like living alone myself, but having a little distance with someone you can still visit with and share time with is fine as well. See how he responds to you needs and go from there.
All the best.
All the best.
I didn't fully understand everything you were saying, but I see no reason to doubt that she loves him. And that's a pretty hurtful thing to say to someone who is clearly already dealing with a difficult issue.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
I would tend to agree. None of us are in Naira's shoes, and in situations like this it is never, ever so easily black and white. Arguably the entire reason this thread exists is because Naira loves the guy but also knows she has to end it for her own sake.
I've been on both sides of that and it sucks either way but there's no need to suggest or assume anything about Naira here, or her reasons for wanting out of the relationship.
Don't. Just don't.
Seriously. I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I loved and is a great person, but the relationship wasn't what I wanted (reader's digest version: I want kids in the long-run; she doesn't). Granted, that was a 5 month relationship, not an 8-year relationship, but it shows that it's possible to love someone a great deal and not be compatible in the long-run.
Yeah, it's a shame no one ever thinks of the men.
Much as I kind of hate to admit it, my ex did a pretty good job of it. He told me that he cared for me but that he didn't want to be together anymore. And simply refused any arguments or suggestions that I made for counseling or anything else. His mind was made up.
Keep in mind that things don't have to be adversarial. If you did or do still have loving feelings, you should be able to keep it civilized despite hurt feelings on anybody's side.
Good luck.
Jan
Keep in mind that things don't have to be adversarial. If you did or do still have loving feelings, you should be able to keep it civilized despite hurt feelings on anybody's side.
Good luck.
Jan
That sounds a hell of a lot better than the friend of mine who kept making noises about getting a divorce then not going through with it. For years. He took some cheap shots at his woman around us too, which was a bit uncomfortable (she wasn't a witch or such), and I think at one point confessed that they hadn't shared a bed in 3 years.
After awhile you just want to say, "For god's sakes, get divorced already and move on."
After awhile you just want to say, "For god's sakes, get divorced already and move on."
