How much affection?

[Goji]

One trait of mine that I've become increasingly aware of is that I am something of an affectionate person. When I like someone I tend to show it, whether it is as a family member, friend, or something more. I believe that I inherited this from my parents, who were always very open and loving as well, for which I consider myself fortunate.

But I'm with someone now who is much the opposite, and it's sad in a way because I can tell she doesn't want to be. She has had a rocky relationship with her family all her life, and hasn't had a serious relationship before me. I can tell she definitely cares for me, and it was in fact she that made the move that put us in a relationship beyond mere friendship. But at times I can tell that it is uncomfortable new ground for her, being with someone who loves her. Sometimes she will get in a certain mood and talk as if we are more distant than we otherwise are, emotionally.

When she does that, it admittedly scares me a little because all my life I've been used to girls I like telling me they really can't think of me as anything more than a friend. In the back of my mind there's always that worry that the girl I am with now will end up thinking the same thing, and when she is not as affectionate as I am part of me gets worried that it's happening again.

But I don't think that's a legitimate fear I ought to have, and I fight against it. For what it is worth, she doesn't seem to think I should either. On a day she was being particularly distant I asked her straight up if she still wanted to be in a relationship with me, and she said she did and then jokingly called me high maintenance for needing to be told again something she'd already made clear. Most of the time, I can tell that she wants it as much as I do, and while she may not be as affectionate as I am, it does occasionally come out in interesting ways.

In any case, it does intrigue me how we are clearly at different ends of the spectrum. Maybe in the long term it will prove to be too great a distance for us to overcome (though I don't think that it necessarily will - far from it) but regardless it has shown me something about myself and about human nature that I hadn't thought about before, which I think is interesting no matter what becomes of it.

 

[Jetfire]

This is going to be the wrong advice...but it is how I feel...

Don't over think the relationship
Just be you and if she is being distant...let her have that space
Keep yourselves out of that place where too much is focused on talking about the relationship...just have fun and be there for her when she needs it

 

[Goji]

No, I think you're right and it is what I try to do. It's just that I'm fighting my own fear of eventually "losing" her and being without a girlfriend. Not a fear I should have, perhaps, but it's there and hard to overcome.

 

[Jetfire]

The fear of losing someone you care about is difficult...but fear is a bad place to deal with things...I think you should try to do more to be positive about the relationship and only focus your thoughts and emotion on the good things...focusing on the negative never helps.

 

[Nardpuncher]

You're in Japan and I'm in Taiwan so our experiences may be similar.

My advice is to be a little cautious, as (I hope this doesn't come out too badly) young women in Asia may be quite forward and I may say "aggressive", but that same quickness may be them being quick in leaving you also.
I've had a few girlfriends here and some will be crazy for you, but if you break up they don't seem to take it very hard.

I really don't want to make you paranoid, but be mildly cautious and don't get too worked up. Another fish will jump in the boat!

 

[Itisnotlogical]

You remind me a lot of myself; I tend to rip my heart out of my chest for any passing fair lady or friend, too.

Give it time, let her know how much you care about her. With time and all luck on your side, she will hopefully open up to you in return.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Everybody has worries like that with a new relationship, especially when it comes to the more extreme differences in personality. The longer the relationship continues, the more secure you feel. That's nature's way of making it even more devastating when it ends. No, I'm kidding. Although I have found that humor is an excellent coping mechanism when it comes to dealing with the little incompatibilities.

 

[Emher]

Well I have terrible expereince in relationships, but I've had a ton of female friends, so I get where you're coming from. And the majority of the time it's out of your hands. Be there for her, make sure that she knows you care about her (although it seems she already knows that), and let her have her space when she needs it. I'm a really affectionate guy and even I need to be alone at times. She who is not used to affection probably just needs it more. Hopefully she will get used to how you are over time.

 

[Kestra]

I dunno dude, it sounds like there is more going on than just how she displays affection. She probably has other issues to work out but even if she does, they may have become part of who she is already. I'm not trying to say DANGER: Stay Away! but more like you should be aware that her issues may show up in random places, not just what you've seen already.

As far as my own experiences, I'm a very loving person but I don't always express that. I can actually seem kind of cold in my own relationship sometimes, especially compared to my husband. People express affection in different ways, so look for other ways she might be expressing it.

 

[1001001]

My wife and I are kind of like that. I'm very demonstrative (especially with the kids) and she is not.

I suppose you have to separate the feelings from the behavior. In other words, does she feel affectionate and just show it differently? Or does she not feel it?

Only you and her can figure that out.

 

[McCoy]

You've come a long way Goji. Remember when you thought you'd never be in a relationship?

My wife is much less affectionate than I am, and sometimes I feel a little rejected, like she doesn't love me like I love her. But I know she does based on things she says. Sometimes we discuss the disparity. She admits it. She has family stress in her life which contributes to a poor sense of self-worth, and that may be a contributing factor. I continue to have patience.

 

[trampledamage]

Everybody has worries like that with a new relationship, especially when it comes to the more extreme differences in personality. The longer the relationship continues, the more secure you feel. That's nature's way of making it even more devastating when it ends. No, I'm kidding. Although I have found that humor is an excellent coping mechanism when it comes to dealing with the little incompatibilities.

Agreed - also, as your relationship continues and she grows more secure you may find her opening up and showing affection too. That's certainly how it worked for me - I grew up in a family that didn't show affection at all (unless sarcasm counts ) and so in a relationship I'd hold my feelings very tight because I didn't want them made fun of. I'm growing out of that now because I know it's okay. (Sorry, that might not make sense, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to talk about )

 

[Finngle Bells]

My Dad is far, far, far more affectionate than Mom.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Everybody has worries like that with a new relationship, especially when it comes to the more extreme differences in personality. The longer the relationship continues, the more secure you feel. That's nature's way of making it even more devastating when it ends. No, I'm kidding. Although I have found that humor is an excellent coping mechanism when it comes to dealing with the little incompatibilities.

Agreed - also, as your relationship continues and she grows more secure you may find her opening up and showing affection too. That's certainly how it worked for me - I grew up in a family that didn't show affection at all (unless sarcasm counts ) and so in a relationship I'd hold my feelings very tight because I didn't want them made fun of. I'm growing out of that now because I know it's okay. (Sorry, that might not make sense, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to talk about )

No, that makes sense. My family was the same way. No support, lots of sarcasm. It did teach me independence, though.

 

[Scout101]

It's just that I'm fighting my own fear of eventually "losing" her and being without a girlfriend. Not a fear I should have, perhaps, but it's there and hard to overcome.

Act like that long enough, though, and you're going to prove yourself right. Don't over think it, don't get crazy jealous, possessive, or clingy. If you're constantly working on fighting a fear of losing her, you may push her that way when she wouldn't have gone there herself.

Just relax and have fun...

 

[Captain_Nick]

No, I think you're right and it is what I try to do. It's just that I'm fighting my own fear of eventually "losing" her and being without a girlfriend. Not a fear I should have, perhaps, but it's there and hard to overcome.

Hey, I remember you from years ago.

Anyway, you don't overcome fear. It's not going to go away just because you want it to. What you have got to do is learn to work 'through' your fear.

Think of it like this. You are driving down a road and all of a sudden a pedestrian steps out in front of you. Oh shit! What do you do?

Well you can slam the brakes bringing your car to a dead stop. You haven't hit the pedestrian but you aren't going anywhere. You are stuck. This is letting fear get the better of you.

You can honk the horn, stick your head out of the window and yell a few obscenities at the pedestrian. But that won't do anything. The pedestrian will get defensive and angry and he will not get out of your way. This is trying to overcome fear - it cannot be cajoled or threatened.

The only other thing you can do is drive your car through the pedestrian. This way, you might hit a little bump on the road of life but you carry on moving and importantly you soon realise that the pedestrian was really nothing to worry about. This is working through your fear.

I hope my analogy helps in some way.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

No, I think you're right and it is what I try to do. It's just that I'm fighting my own fear of eventually "losing" her and being without a girlfriend. Not a fear I should have, perhaps, but it's there and hard to overcome.

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

 

[Goji]

You've come a long way Goji. Remember when you thought you'd never be in a relationship?

Who says I don't think that now?

Anyway the whole thing is complicated. It may not last and I may go back to being not in a relationship. At this point it is a wait-and-see kind of thing. Which is what I intend to do.

 

[Cheapjack]

I like it if I just get a smile from a person with boobies.

 

[Nardpuncher]

I like it if I just get a smile from a person with boobies.

That's me smiling at you.