If I may, I'd like to say that you have been a great and loyal friend on countless occasions, and I truly appreciate your ability to find the good in everyone, even when many others give them a hard time and the easier option would be to just go along with the crowd. It's a rare gift, and something you should be very proud of. Your optimism even in the face of trying times is extremely commendable and inspirational.
Thanks. Coming from you that truly means a lot to me.
Okay, I'm going to try to answer the question but beware, lengthy post ahead!
In a broad sense, I’m not doing well right now. I have everything a person could want, yet I still struggle with depression among other minor health problems. It’s something I’ve dealt with for years, and I have moments of complete happiness and periods of dark desperation. Do you know that feeling, where you’re on a long car trip and someone else is driving, and you’re nodding off? How you drift between consciousness and sleep, while being vaguely aware of your surroundings? Much of my life has felt like this. There are times where I’ve been okay, and felt “normal” and then others where I feel like I’ve lived life half-asleep. I used to think I was weak, because of my illness, but now I believe it has in fact made me a stronger person. Sometimes I live day to day, finding happiness wherever I can.
Locutus mentioned that I try to find the good in everyone, and I think maybe it’s just that I see what others don’t sometimes. I love getting to know people, and have an almost insatiable curiosity. It's like my heart never quite fills up and there's always room to care about one person more. It sometimes gets me into trouble, but I’m learning. I believe that everyone has something to offer, and that even the most abrasive people often have good intentions. I think good people are capable of doing bad things, and I think we’re all guilty of that at times.
I can be incredibly cynical, can switch between pessimism and optimism in a second, but I’m an idealist at heart. I’ve never met someone that I found uninteresting, and I feel lucky to know the people in my life. There are people who, with just a few kind words, or a moment’s patience, have changed the course of my life. Just the people I’ve met online have made me laugh (yes, my ridiculously huge grin), or made me consider things I had never thought about before. I have people close to me in RL who care for me, no matter how many times I mess up and how quirky and fickle I am.
But despite knowing people care for me, like me, or even respect me … I have an incredibly low self-esteem. I keep so many serious things to myself, unwilling to let people in for fear of rejection. I used to tell myself that no matter what other negative qualities I had, that I was a good person, and that counted for something. Now I’m not even sure of that anymore. I fear I’m waging a battle with myself that will continue for many years to come. But in the meantime, I try to make life slightly easier or happier for others, I continue to form connections with people, and I hope that one day everyone will see in themselves and each other, the same things that I see.
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