Funniest Lines/Moments

[JanewayRulz!]

The Cloud is a treasure trove.

(Torres and Janeway work at a science station on the Bridge.)

EMH [on viewscreen]: I'm curious, Captain. Exactly what are you looking for?
JANEWAY: I need to know if we did serious harm to this life form.
EMH [on viewscreen]: Let's see. You ran your ship through it, fired phasers at it and blew a hole in it with a photon torpedo. I'd say it's a pretty good chance that you did some fairly significant...
JANEWAY: Computer, mute audio.

And much later, in the Captain's ready room.



NEELIX: Captain, I understand that this nebula we've discovered is some kind of monster?
JANEWAY: Not a monster, Neelix, but it is a life form.
NEELIX: Excuse me if I sound crazy, because someone may have been playing a joke on me, but you aren't planning to take us back into the belly of this beast, are you?
JANEWAY: No joke.
NEELIX: Why?
JANEWAY: Because we hurt it, and we have to help it recover.
NEELIX: I did not come on board this ship to be a veterinarian, Captain.
JANEWAY: (Busy looking at various computer pads) And I thought you were a man of unlimited talents.
NEELIX: I just reached my limit. So if you don't mind, Kes and I will wait on board my little vessel for you to return.
JANEWAY: All our crews are busy preparing for this mission. I'm not pulling them off their duties to prepare your ship for launch. And I'm not going drop you off on the side of the road every time we hit a bump. When we finished, if you want to leave that's your business, but for the moment, find yourself a seat with a good view, because just like Jonah and the whale, you're going in.
NEELIX: Is that final?
JANEWAY: Dismissed. That's a Starfleet expression for get out.

 

[Catarina]

I wish we had seen more of that Janeway instead of mama Janeway of the later years. funny stuff. Except I could live without her bratty give me coffee scene but I guess we all have our vices :-)

 

[JD5000]

"Pathfinder"

Reg:...Chocolate ice cream.

Troi: Just one scoop, I'm watching my figure.

Siritus looks pretty trim in this episode, must have been many scoops between here and "These Are the Voyages".

 

[kirkfan]

"Pathfinder"

Reg:...Chocolate ice cream.

Troi: Just one scoop, I'm watching my figure.

Siritus looks pretty trim in this episode, must have been many scoops between here and "These Are the Voyages".

In Apocalypse Rising we learn that they have anti-intoxicants that allow them to drink all night and never get drunk or sick. I wonder why they don't have pills that allow you to eat all you want without getting fat as well? It seems a lot easier to accomplish.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

In Apocalypse Rising we learn that they have anti-intoxicants that allow them to drink all night and never get drunk or sick

How dull. Defeats the whole point of drinking all night!

(Although I understand why it was needed for that scene. Still deadly dull, though!)

 

[kirkfan]

In Apocalypse Rising we learn that they have anti-intoxicants that allow them to drink all night and never get drunk or sick

How dull. Defeats the whole point of drinking all night!

(Although I understand why it was needed for that scene. Still deadly dull, though!)

Although, it would allow you to win bets like we see in Raiders Of The Lost Ark...

 

[Catarina]

That would make a Voyager drinking game even more dull since I'd be drunk early from all the shuttle crashes and anomaly so without consequences it'd be like drinking Cola, right? Zzzz.

 

[JanewayRulz!]

I wish we had seen more of that Janeway instead of mama Janeway of the later years. funny stuff. Except I could live without her bratty give me coffee scene but I guess we all have our vices :-)

Speaking of vices... from "Once Upon a Time" the Voyager edition.

JANEWAY: Lieutenant, get me an update from Beta team. They haven't checking in for over an hour.
NEELIX: Coffee, anyone? Captain?
JANEWAY: No thanks, I've had enough. One more cup and I'll jump to warp.

 

[kirkfan]

EMH: I'm just being thorough.
LEONARD: Just being thorough.
EMH: Did that creature just speak?
ZIMMERMAN: His name's Leonard. He's a hologram.
EMH: Computer, deactivate iguana.
ZIMMERMAN: How dare you!
EMH: I'm a Doctor, not a zoo keeper. Has there ever been an epidemic on this station?

That doctor!

 

[JanewayRulz!]

Ah, that doctor.

From season 1, the third episode.

Time and Again.

(The EMH is scanning Kes with his medical tricorder.)

EMH: Hmm. Hmm, hmm.
NEELIX: What?
EMH: Hmm?
NEELIX: Is something wrong?
EMH: Yes, terribly wrong. Your brain is not on file. Either your government failed to transmit the standard fifteen five oh one crew personnel report or somebody at Starfleet Medical really fouled up.
KES: I'm not a member of the Starfleet crew.
NEELIX: We came aboard at mid-expedition.
EMH: And no one asked you for your medical histories when you arrived? Of course not. That would be the ship's doctor's job. My job, if anyone had bothered to tell me about new passengers, but I seem to be just about the last to know about everything around here. So, tell me, just how many other new arrivals are there?
NEELIX: Just us.
KES: And the crew from another ship that was destroyed.
EMH: Another crew. That's nice. (He taps his comm badge) This is the Emergency Medical Holographic system to Captain Janeway.
NEELIX: She's not on board. She's missing on the surface of a planet.
EMH: Missing. The Captain is missing. It seems I've found myself on the Voyage of the Damned. Very well. Please advise the highest ranking officer who is not missing, to see me at his earliest convenience. You may shut off my program now.
NEELIX: But you haven't told us anything about her condition.
EMH: She is the healthiest member of her species I've ever seen. The only member of her species I've ever seen. You have a lovely brain. It will make a fine addition to our files. I wouldn't worry. If your species has a history of extraordinary mental abilities, this may simply be your way of flexing those muscles for the first time. Living in space requires the body to make a variety of biological adjustments. This could be a side-effect of that process. Go home. Get a good night's sleep and drink plenty of fluids.
KES: Fluids?
EMH: Everybody should drink plenty of fluids. Don't leave without turning me off.
KES: Computer, end program.
EMH: And call me in the morning.

 

[JD5000]

DS9 is rarely a funny show, except when it makes an episode (usually Ferengi-oriented) to inject a little comedy into all the seriousness. One episode that is not intended as comic relief but still manages to be funny is 'Civil Defense'.

Particularly Odo and Quark's interactions in this episode. I know they are playing off SOMEONE'S classic comedy routine, but I can't pinpoint it.

Dukat's role in the episode is also 'funny', but more 'ironic funny' than 'haha funny'.

 

[kirkfan]

I can' tell if Odo is intended as Quark's foil or if it is vice versa.

 

[JD5000]

I think that the final scene in which Odo is naming off 'more devious' Ferengi than Quark, going so far as to name Rom whom we all know is NOT a 'devious' Ferengi, that he is playing Quark. Quark is constantly the one who's off-guard in this episode, he is the 'foil'. Quark is normally more 'in-control' than he is shown in this episode, this is the contrast he provides to Odo to fulfill the 'foil' role.

Although you do make a good point, they are both slightly out of character in this one, so it is difficult to tell. My instinct and understanding of the definition tells me it's Quark, but just maybe the DS9 writers' understanding of classic comedy technique is more developed than mine (they probably finished college) - possibly pushing the envelope and creating a 'dual-foil'?

This does still remind me of something else I can't put a finger on.

 

[Lynx]

Ah, that doctor.

From season 1, the third episode.

Time and Again.

(The EMH is scanning Kes with his medical tricorder.)

EMH: Hmm. Hmm, hmm.
NEELIX: What?
EMH: Hmm?
NEELIX: Is something wrong?
EMH: Yes, terribly wrong. Your brain is not on file. Either your government failed to transmit the standard fifteen five oh one crew personnel report or somebody at Starfleet Medical really fouled up.
KES: I'm not a member of the Starfleet crew.
NEELIX: We came aboard at mid-expedition.
EMH: And no one asked you for your medical histories when you arrived? Of course not. That would be the ship's doctor's job. My job, if anyone had bothered to tell me about new passengers, but I seem to be just about the last to know about everything around here. So, tell me, just how many other new arrivals are there?
NEELIX: Just us.
KES: And the crew from another ship that was destroyed.
EMH: Another crew. That's nice. (He taps his comm badge) This is the Emergency Medical Holographic system to Captain Janeway.
NEELIX: She's not on board. She's missing on the surface of a planet.
EMH: Missing. The Captain is missing. It seems I've found myself on the Voyage of the Damned. Very well. Please advise the highest ranking officer who is not missing, to see me at his earliest convenience. You may shut off my program now.
NEELIX: But you haven't told us anything about her condition.
EMH: She is the healthiest member of her species I've ever seen. The only member of her species I've ever seen. You have a lovely brain. It will make a fine addition to our files. I wouldn't worry. If your species has a history of extraordinary mental abilities, this may simply be your way of flexing those muscles for the first time. Living in space requires the body to make a variety of biological adjustments. This could be a side-effect of that process. Go home. Get a good night's sleep and drink plenty of fluids.
KES: Fluids?
EMH: Everybody should drink plenty of fluids. Don't leave without turning me off.
KES: Computer, end program.
EMH: And call me in the morning.

This one is really funny, especially the comment on "founding myself on the Voyager of the damned" and " advice the highest ranking officer who is not missing".

But I get the impression that The Doc is suffering from amnesia here. He don't seem to recognize Kes, who he actually treated in "Caretaker" and seem to be totally unaware that the Maquis had joined the crew, something he should know after more than one month in space.

Anyway, maybe he got his memory back when time was restored.

 

[kirkfan]

I even like the doctor reprogrammed by the then dead Seska in Wort case scenario:

HOLO-EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
PARIS: No emergency, Doc. I'm fine.
HOLO-EMH: Nonsense. You have second-degree phaser burns. Please have a seat on biobed one.
PARIS: That's all right, Doc. I'm telling you, I feel fine.
HOLO-EMH: You require treatment. Twenty cc's nitric acid. A little proverbial salt in the wound.
(Paris screams in pain. Tuvok disarms the EMH, who then hits him and starts to strangle him.)
HOLO-EMH: You're looking well.
TUVOK: Go!
PARIS: I'm not going to leave you!
(Paris tries to hit the EMH, but his hand passes through his head.)
HOLO-EMH: It was a pleasure treating you. Don't hesitate to call again.
(The Holo-EMH throws them both out of his Sickbay.)

 

[Catarina]

from episode Bliss

EMH Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Qatai: Your ship is being devoured. I'd say that's an emergency.

 

[kirkfan]

from episode Bliss

EMH Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Qatai: Your ship is being devoured. I'd say that's an emergency.

From that episode:

I’m a Doctor, not a dragon slayer

 

[hux]

I'm losing track of all the doctor quotes but just saw this in "ashes to ashes" when he gives Ballard some new red hair

"Hair is one of specialties, despite evidence to the contrary"

 

[Catarina]

I stomached about 15 minutes of Alice tonight, and I couldn't keep a straight face with this line:

Chakotay: We already have a full compliment of shuttles. Not to mention the delta flyer.

And we haven't figured out how either. I guess parts scarcity is a none issue.Why not open a business to make some trade and call yourselves Build-a-Shuttle.

I'm losing track of all the doctor quotes but just saw this in "ashes to ashes" when he gives Ballard some new red hair

"Hair is one of specialties, despite evidence to the contrary"

Unless we are both mistaken, I believe this isn't a repeat :-)

 

[kirkfan]

I'm losing track of all the doctor quotes but just saw this in "ashes to ashes" when he gives Ballard some new red hair

"Hair is one of specialties, despite evidence to the contrary"

That is an odd thing for a hologram to say though...