Friendship Outside of the BBS

[Lindley]

I go to meetups when the opportunity arises, and have met perhaps a dozen of you lot that way. Let's see.....

flamingliberal/nevermore
TheBrew
Master of Tarquin Hill
Dennis Bailey
mimic
T'Bonz
Warp Coil
Alidar Jarok
Robert Maxwell
JonathanWally
exodus
Kira's Mom

...I'm sure I'm forgetting a few.

I also dropped in on mimic solo a few months ago during a time-building cross country flight to PA in a 172.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

I have many TrekBBSers as friends on Facebook (probably too many to list without forgetting someone). I've also met quite a few in person: doubleohfive, Shameless McBundy, Eratta, Bears Discover Fire, alpinemaps, TerriO, garamet, KRAD and species5618 among them. (I know I've left some out - no offense, but I can't find my photos from the 2006 Worldcon right now. ) I've also chatted on Skype with kipron, for those of you who remember him, and I've met Trippy a few times.

I'm also RL friends with Emissary (who hasn't been around these parts in quite a few years either), Rosemary_CA (ditto), Evil_Admiral (same again), and I work with ChrinFinity, both at my real job (where she's my boss) and on conventions (where I'm hers)... and yes, that's interesting.

Oh, and at a convention in Washington, DC a few years ago, I was recognized from one of the photo threads by someone who lurks but never posts.

 

[sidious618]

^ It was not my intention to be creepy. I mean, I'm not a stalker or anything like that. (besides, it would be rather difficult to stalk somebody in a city that large, especially for a tourist like myself. Remember, I did say I was LOST)

As for why I brought up the situation: Well, this thread *was* discussing meeting people from the board IRL.

I'd be pretty fucking creeped out if a poster on here said they saw me in my town and watched what I was doing. This means they looked at my pictures long enough that even a glance at me IRL would allow them to recognize me.

If I read a story like this a week or so before my meetup I may have reconsidered because, yeah, that's pretty creepy.

 

[MetalPants]

^ It was not my intention to be creepy. I mean, I'm not a stalker or anything like that. (besides, it would be rather difficult to stalk somebody in a city that large, especially for a tourist like myself. Remember, I did say I was LOST)

As for why I brought up the situation: Well, this thread *was* discussing meeting people from the board IRL.

I'd be pretty fucking creeped out if a poster on here said they saw me in my town and watched what I was doing. This means they looked at my pictures long enough that even a glance at me IRL would allow them to recognize me.

If I read a story like this a week or so before my meetup I may have reconsidered because, yeah, that's pretty creepy.

Well, if I happened to be in NYC at a coffee house and saw a young lady playing scrabble, I might make a connection that 'hey, TSQ like to play scrabble in coffee places.' and I would probably send her a PM telling her about the experience, and hey, it's a small world. Then it would be possible that she starts to ask me details of it and presto, come to find out that it might have actually been her that I saw. Of course, that would rely on a lot of coincidences, but stranger things have happened and doesn't necessarily make MLB a stalker.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

E-mail, yes. However, being on a message board provides no grounds for trust, which is necessary for anything more. The only case where I post on a site with people I know IRL, I met them IRL first.

I disagree, I think enough trust can be built to meet someone IRL.

Yeah, I know everyone's comfort level differs, but I think meeting in a public place or even with a group of people should provide reassurances for most people. I have some issues in that regard, but really, I meet people in my classes or in other settings where I know next to nothing about them and we develop relationships. I think you just have to be smart about it.

However, if you scope someone out IRL first BEFORE any kind of relationship online or otherwise, they are in a situation where they understand in no uncertain terms that there IS NO relationship and that they are owed no trust whatsoever. People who try to overstep that boundary are usually very easy to screen out. Common decency, of course...THAT is something pretty much anyone has a right to expect--the general respect given from one human being to another--but trust is an entirely different matter; it requires verification, which is of course impossible online. Faking IRL is a good bit more difficult...doable, but more difficult.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

And before anyone says that it was an improbable coincidence: A customer came up to me at work today (in Omaha, NE) and said that they had seen me, a week earlier, at a Yankee game (in New York City).

Now what kind of odds do you think THAT was, eh? At least on this board, a lot of us know what our fellow board members look like, because we routinely post pictures of ourselves (so it is not unusual that we would be recognized). But this was a complete stranger. Who picked me out of a CROWD. And I didn't feel stalked.

I'd be pretty fucking creeped out if a poster on here said they saw me in my town and watched what I was doing.

Well I wasn't continuously staring, you know. My thought processes at the time were these: 1) I'm lost. 2) Here's a Starbucks. 3) I'll enter the Starbucks because I love coffee and I don't want to get caught out on the street. 4) Hey, don't I know this person? 5) She's busy. 6) Okay, forget it, I think I'll have a coffee. 7) I'm leaving to find a subway station. 8) The end.

 

[Canadave]

I can't make myself clear in English without waving furiously my hands!

Jeez, way to confirm the stereotype, eh?

As for me, there are a few folks I chat with, have on Facebook, or follow on Twitter. Have never met anyone from the board in real life, though.

 

[RoJoHen]

There are a few people I wouldn't be opposed to meeting, but I really would prefer not to hang out with anyone here.

 

[doubleohfive]

And before anyone says that it was an improbable coincidence: A customer came up to me at work today (in Omaha, NE) and said that they had seen me, a week earlier, at a Yankee game (in New York City).

Now what kind of odds do you think THAT was, eh? At least on this board, a lot of us know what our fellow board members look like, because we routinely post pictures of ourselves (so it is not unusual that we would be recognized). But this was a complete stranger. Who picked me out of a CROWD. And I didn't feel stalked.

I'd be pretty fucking creeped out if a poster on here said they saw me in my town and watched what I was doing.

Well I wasn't continuously staring, you know. My thought processes at the time were these: 1) I'm lost. 2) Here's a Starbucks. 3) I'll enter the Starbucks because I love coffee and I don't want to get caught out on the street. 4) Hey, don't I know this person? 5) She's busy. 6) Okay, forget it, I think I'll have a coffee. 7) I'm leaving to find a subway station. 8) The end.

You left out 9) I'll tell everyone on the board where she and I post that I think I saw her but didn't say anything.

A couple points.

1) You're a man. There's a marked difference between a woman stalking a man and a man stalking a woman, and what the victim in each situation experiences. Chalk it up to the usual double-standards of gender politics.

2) Even so, that doesn't mean you're a stalker. I don't know that I'd keep bringing up the story about seeing TSQ that day. Have you talked to her about this before? Or is this thread the way she's finding out about it? Because if you haven't mentioned it to her --whether privately or publicly-- it does come off as rather creepy and attention-whore-y. I'm not saying that's your intent, I'm just pointing out how others might be perceiving it. Certainly, I don't blame TSQ one bit for being cautious about meetups after reading this.

3) The next time you see someone you think you know, especially if it's a woman, go introduce yourself or at the very least say hello so you can avoid this kind of problem in the future.

As for the odds, let me tell you a little story. About two years ago, a friend from back home called me to tell me she was getting married and wanted me to come home for the wedding. Sadly, work responsibilities prevented that. So, she told me to look up a friend of hers who was out here. I did, and friended her on Facebook but we didn't talk. A week or so later though, my dad called to tell me he'd met some kid at the State Department, who mentioned his sister was out here in L.A. and that I should try to meet her. Great. What's her name? My dad couldn't remember. Easter rolls around, and I see the girl has posted a comment on Facebook. I respond and almost immediately, my dad calls asking me how I know this girl. "Uh, she's the friend of a friend. How do YOU know her?" I ask. Turns out, this girl's brother was the same one my dad had worked with. On top of all this, her name was very familiar to me so I did some research and discovered that on top of being best friends with one of my friends in middle school and on top of the fact that her brother and my dad worked together at the State Department, this same girl's mother had been my theater professor in college. Small world, eh?

 

[JonathonWally]

However, if you scope someone out IRL first BEFORE any kind of relationship online or otherwise, they are in a situation where they understand in no uncertain terms that there IS NO relationship and that they are owed no trust whatsoever.

Huh?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Have you talked to her about this before?

Yes, in fact, I have. That same evening. Got back to my computer (after returning to my lodgings) and asked: Was that you? She said, yes. I said: Cool. That's about it, really.

The next time you see someone you think you know, especially if it's a woman, go introduce yourself or at the very least say hello so you can avoid this kind of problem in the future.

Well, like I said, she was busy. So I figured best to leave well enough alone. I mean, what the hell was I going to say? "I'm Mr. Laser Beam"? And I wasn't entirely sure it was her, either. Figured it'd be safe to wait till I got to a computer and could ask personally.

 

[Kestra]

However, if you scope someone out IRL first BEFORE any kind of relationship online or otherwise, they are in a situation where they understand in no uncertain terms that there IS NO relationship and that they are owed no trust whatsoever. People who try to overstep that boundary are usually very easy to screen out. Common decency, of course...THAT is something pretty much anyone has a right to expect--the general respect given from one human being to another--but trust is an entirely different matter; it requires verification, which is of course impossible online. Faking IRL is a good bit more difficult...doable, but more difficult.

I'm not sure I understand what your concerns are here, exactly. Are you worried that someone would assume a more intimate relationship than you believe exists between you and another individual? Are you concerned about physical safety, or about deception?

I don't want to dismiss your concerns and I certainly understand why people would not feel comfortable or have a desire to meet people from an internet forum IRL, I'm just not sure of your specific concerns.

My point was merely that these things: an imbalanced relationship, physical safety, deception, are all risks we take when we meet people in every day life and choose to form relationships with the. Whether those risks are increased when we change the method in which we meet, I don't know.

 

[doubleohfive]

Have you talked to her about this before?

Yes, in fact, I have. That same evening. Got back to my computer (after returning to my lodgings) and asked: Was that you? She said, yes. I said: Woah. That's about it, really.

The next time you see someone you think you know, especially if it's a woman, go introduce yourself or at the very least say hello so you can avoid this kind of problem in the future.

Well, like I said, she was busy. So I figured best to leave well enough alone. I mean, what the hell was I gonna say? "I'm Mr. Laser Beam"? And I wasn't entirely sure it was her, either. Figured it'd be safe to wait till I got to a computer and could ask personally.

Fair enough. Still, it'd be worthwhile to remember the bit I mentioned about men stalkers vs. women stalkers. I don't know you, but from your photos you seem like you might be a tall, imposing figure, physically, so people who don't know you might misinterpret a perfectly harmless action or reaction from you as hostile. Just food for thought, that's all.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

Kestra--it's both, and the risks do increase on the Internet because of the tendency to be lulled into a false sense of security on what is really quite tenuous and unverified information.

 

[PlainSimpleJoel]

Met most of Sydney based posters, plus Orac Zen, Emh and Evil Robert, when they were there.

Also chatted with many trekbbs folks over the years. Never phoned or skyped with anyone.

 

[T'Bonz]

I've met people when I've traveled to Vegas, D.C. area (several times), Orlando, Tampa, Pittsburgh/Ohio, France and London. I got a kick out of meeting the people and hope they enjoyed meeting up with me. Some were informal meet-ups when I was in their neighborhoods, others were at conventions.

Some of the meet-ups have included people being in this area and I met several posters when they were in town.

Two posters have stayed with us (female) and I stayed with two (both British).

Telephone - not as much as I used to talk to people, but used to talk to several from the BBS. I still talk to three at times, one via Skype as she is in England.

Friendships have been made, a few didn't work out, a few have persisted. I'm grateful to the BBS for some wonderful people I've met and whose company I've enjoyed - either in person or via phone/IM. I don't go on IM much anymore, and part of me misses those fun but hectic days and I definitely have a list of people with whom I yapped daily on IM that I really miss. When did I get so antisocial?

When a meet-up happens and I can go, I try to. Mostly nowadays I see people when I go to conventions in either Orlando or Tampa, or up to Shore Leave in Baltimore. Lots of authors are at Shore Leave, and Dennis Bailey goes but I still can't seem to meet up with Kira's Mom. THREE times, KM!

One of the people I value best in the world is someone who I met first on this BBS. We've visited each other and although I'm a terrible correspondent (even my regular life best friend gets short shrift ), I'm close to her.

 

[tomalak301]

I wish there were conventions in the Bay Area. I mean we're home to Silicon Valley (Tech) and NASA Aims (Science) so there are plenty of geeks and nerds to go around. Seriously though, I would go to a convention just to meet people (And it adds to the comfort level I think that you're with a large group who like the same thing you do). Might help the shy factor that I have and actually meet some people from here.

 

[Niorah]

Are you the only TBBSer from Italy?

There is Niorah, but I think she lives in London now.

That's correct.

When I was still living in Italy I made my way to London to a rather large meetup, where I met a lot of lovely TrekBBSers. We had a fun day at the zoo and then some of us proceeded to have a yummy Chinese dinner.

That wasn't the only time I've met my fellow posters, though. I've had a number of mini-meetups through the years, and since I've been living here when someone from the board is visiting London I'm always up for good food and good times and tourist-y stuff.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I've only met one TrekBBSer in person-- TJinLOCA. Other than that, I've spoken to a couple on the phone, communicated by email with several and traded snail mail with a couple. I also almost met Spiff once, but luckily the police arrived before he got in.

 

[TerokNor]

Not from here (besides PMs), as I am not here long enough yet, though from other sides. E-Mail, of course, Messengers, yup, postcards/ letters, yep, phoning, yes, but not really prefer it, because understanding English (most people I know online are native English speakers) via phone is really hard for me, because of the lack of mimic and body language.
Meeting, yup, that too, lots of them. I even flew over to America for a month meeting 6 of them. I went alone and my RL friends called me crazy... but I "knew" those online people for 6 years...so... well maybe it was a bit risky, but not too much. One of them also came over to Germany a few month later.
One time I flew over to England meeting someone on an american military base, that was very interessting, though I found it somewhat sad, that the soldiers had anything they need for living on the base itself. So they didn´t need to get in contact with the english culture...and that is a pitty, living in another land and not getting to know the natives and the culture?
Guess that one was the most "risky" meeting, as it was only ONE person I met (not a group) and as we had to share room and even bed (on the base there only was one bed in each room and no spare rooms or such).
Oh and I also flew to Scottland for a week, meeting several people, though I only knew one online, the others were online people too, but I barely knew them and also the other only for 6 month, but that was not risky at all, cause we were such a big group and most of them female.
Dating... yes, that too, but rarely.

All in all I always was lucky. All the girls and guys I met were "normal", nice, well educated and trust deserving people.
Though I may be to trusting at times, as I never expect someone to do something evil, because I want to believe in the good in everybody.

TerokNor