Feeling a bit down...over something silly

[Armus]

You're probably right. Though I'm not very good at talking about my feelings. I know, hard to believe, but writing about here, virtually anonymous, isn't as difficult. But I'll have to give it some thought. But that also may create some questions that I'd be reluctant to answer (what's wrong, why are you going to counseling...that sort of thing, esp. since I've never gone to anything like that before).

Normally I hide things well. While I have these feelings, I usually project a pretty happy demeaner. Even now in my funk, when talking at home or at work, or to other people, I'm pretty good at faking it.

I always joke that listening to Electric Light Orchestra is probably good for feeling down. ELO usually made cheerful music. Or my favorite band of all time, Genesis. Like Star Trek I like all Genesis, Gabriel era, Collins era, even the album they put out post Collins. Music sometimes helps I hear, even if temporarily. I'll just avoid any sad songs.

70's progressive rock is good for the soul. I've always said that.

You express and communicate yourself well, which makes me think you'd take advantage of counseling. I'm no expert on therapy(I've only gone about 5 times) but I know that if you can set some objectives and find someone you click with, you may benefit from it.

Human beings aren't meant to keep all this stress bottled up inside.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

...even the album they put out post Collins.

It's funny you mentioned that one. I recently rediscovered that album and the song Shipwrecked really got to me. If you don't remember that one don't listen to it - it's sad.

 

[Refuge]

I just wish I had someone that was happy to see me at the end of the day. That would say "I love you", someone I could hold hands with and take a walk. It sounds kind of corny when I type it, but that's what I really want. And I don't have any of that. I almost wish for divorce. I run the risk of being alone--but that's a poor reason to stay in a relationship that's hit a wall. So I guess I have much to consider.



That's something that worries me, if I just stay married to stay married. Right now I'm 44. Hopefully I have at least half my life ahead of me, if not more. I don't want to find out most of my life is gone and I've stayed in a marriage that has run its course years prior and not be able to find someone to spend my life with.

It's sad how that is phrased - run its course. I'm sorry, for your wife too. I wonder if she ever imagined feeling what she is too. When you first get married you are so close it's hard to reconcile resentments and distance ever happening. I wonder if she knew that you want friendship and closeness and that it has become a turning point. She might surprise you. Not my business but I think it's good you have someone to hear you yet in some ways going outside the marriage is sad because it defines that lack of closeness in your relationship.

Good luck with all this and seek out happiness even in little moments.

 

[Australis]

Good God, other people have actually heard that album! Yes, Shipwrecked is a song on my playlists.

You sound like me ten years ago. There is so much I could say about this, but PM me if you want a bit more background.

See a counsellor. See if your wife will go to a (separate) counsellor. I can hear the distance between you in your comments. Would a weekend away for her help, with a friend or to family, without you and daughter? We all need downtime.

One of the problems that built up over time was that I put wife and children ahead of myself, and The Wife turned out to be a narcissist, and that was only getting worse over the last 5 years. This kinda crushed me as I put my life on hold for them, and looking back it wasn't a good idea. I should have gone years ago.

Your situation is different, I don't know all about it. The first thing to be done is a counsellor for her, so the anger issues can be worked through. I tried to do this with The Wife, but as soon as her counsellor said something she didn't want to hear (classic narcissist trait), she dropped them.

You also haven't mentioned your daughter in this. How does she fit in? Is she happy or not? Mummy's or daddy's girl? Where is her journey, still at school, getting ready for college? Many questions I probably shouldn't pry into, but you need to ask.

Don't let regret crush you. Find out, from a distance, what happened to the other person. Just so you know. But see a counsellor too. Work through it.

 

[Damian]

Good God, other people have actually heard that album! Yes, Shipwrecked is a song on my playlists.

You sound like me ten years ago. There is so much I could say about this, but PM me if you want a bit more background.

See a counsellor. See if your wife will go to a (separate) counsellor. I can hear the distance between you in your comments. Would a weekend away for her help, with a friend or to family, without you and daughter? We all need downtime.

One of the problems that built up over time was that I put wife and children ahead of myself, and The Wife turned out to be a narcissist, and that was only getting worse over the last 5 years. This kinda crushed me as I put my life on hold for them, and looking back it wasn't a good idea. I should have gone years ago.

Your situation is different, I don't know all about it. The first thing to be done is a counsellor for her, so the anger issues can be worked through. I tried to do this with The Wife, but as soon as her counsellor said something she didn't want to hear (classic narcissist trait), she dropped them.

You also haven't mentioned your daughter in this. How does she fit in? Is she happy or not? Mummy's or daddy's girl? Where is her journey, still at school, getting ready for college? Many questions I probably shouldn't pry into, but you need to ask.

Don't let regret crush you. Find out, from a distance, what happened to the other person. Just so you know. But see a counsellor too. Work through it.

Sorry . Back at campground. But I'll answer Sunday when home . Ugh. I hate typing on my phone. Bad grammer.

 

[galleywest]

I concur--if you can, talk to a counselor. Why not be open about why you are going--nothing you have said here is anything that should not be said to your wife. In fact, hearing you describe her and your marriage, I think these are things she deserves to hear and you both deserve to work on and/or work out (I think you've been very thoughtful in what you've written about her). You have expressed concern for her happiness, noted that she's a good person and great mother (even when it's challenging), and are noticing that her temperament has changed over the years. You have expressed feelings of loneliness and having to hide your feelings in your marriage. To say "I care about you and you deserve happiness," to both her and to yourself--it's hard, but it's true.

 

[Sibyl]

This all sounds so familiar to me. From both sides.

I need to say that if your wife would question you going to a therapist if you say you needed to work through some things, that might be your answer. I hope not, of course.

I wish you the best. Like you, I'm trying to figure some things out with my own relationship with someone. It's not easy. My sympathies.

 

[USS Triumphant]

Definitely get your situation with your wife straight first before doing anything else. She deserves that, and anyone else you might get entangled with deserves it. And you deserve a clean start for anything going forward. (Or a clean renewal with your wife, if that is an option.)

Two things that occur to me, and I'm not trying to be mean, here, just on the level:

1. Is part of the reason your wife is unhappy all of the time because you aren't what you "sold" her leading up to your marriage? If so, is the reason you aren't because you never were, because she had her own false expectations, or because you aren't putting in the work to be? The answers to these questions might point the way forward.

2. The version of you that existed back when you were 19 knew your priorities better than the version of you now that is second-guessing 19-year-old you based on things you've learned and feelings you've had in the meantime. You're not being fair to younger-you. So stop that.

 

[MANT!]

Man oh man...I had ladies I pined over In HS, College, etc. but was too clueless to act on said feelings (later finding out they were waiting for ME to show overt interest..HS Reunions can suck when you find out about that!) But As one who has become wise (or a wise guy) with age, I find that such regrets are best left behind..I used the knowledge I gained from that to talk with my boys and help them out during their school years, so that they were much less likely to make the same mistake..

 

[Gary Mitchell]

Man oh man...I had ladies I pined over In HS, College, etc. but was too clueless to act on said feelings (later finding out they were waiting for ME to show overt interest..HS Reunions can suck when you find out about that!) But As one who has become wise (or a wise guy) with age, I find that such regrets are best left behind..I used the knowledge I gained from that to talk with my boys and help them out during their school years, so that they were much less likely to make the same mistake..

I wish my dad had done that. He wasn't much for advice giving.

 

[Damian]

First, thanks to everyone for the comments and suggestions.

You also haven't mentioned your daughter in this. How does she fit in? Is she happy or not? Mummy's or daddy's girl? Where is her journey, still at school, getting ready for college? Many questions I probably shouldn't pry into, but you need to ask.

My daughter's 13. And she can be a struggle, as most 13 year olds probably are. Though I can honestly say that really has nothing to do with my current malaise. And my wife's patience with her isn't the best. She gets frustrated quick. It's not the cause of her issues, just another symptom. You know, though, thinking back, that was how old I was when my parents split up (I was actually happy they split up--it wasn't a healthy relationship). I guess that's one parallel--though I think it's just a coincidence as this has been something that's been building for a few years now.

My wife isn't a bad person. She's just always tended toward the negative end of things, glass half empty. I don't wish her any ill. It's just over time I find it's dragging me down as well. I am generally a positive person. And I used to try to get her to look at the bright side.

And I freely admit to my own faults. I am certainly not perfect. I can be guilty of stubbornness at times (if you've seen debates I've been involved with here you'd see that) and I can procrastinate. She accused me of laziness, but I honestly don't think that's the case. I do my share, but it might be before I go to bed instead of right then and there. I used to even argue my case, but I don't anymore. I just listen and don't really put up much of a defense anymore. I don't want to sound harsh or insensitive, but I find that I don't really care anymore.

I concur--if you can, talk to a counselor. Why not be open about why you are going--nothing you have said here is anything that should not be said to your wife. In fact, hearing you describe her and your marriage, I think these are things she deserves to hear and you both deserve to work on and/or work out (I think you've been very thoughtful in what you've written about her). You have expressed concern for her happiness, noted that she's a good person and great mother (even when it's challenging), and are noticing that her temperament has changed over the years. You have expressed feelings of loneliness and having to hide your feelings in your marriage. To say "I care about you and you deserve happiness," to both her and to yourself--it's hard, but it's true.

1. Is part of the reason your wife is unhappy all of the time because you aren't what you "sold" her leading up to your marriage? If so, is the reason you aren't because you never were, because she had her own false expectations, or because you aren't putting in the work to be? The answers to these questions might point the way forward.

You guys have great suggestions but I can't help but think of that scene from the DS9 episode "Battle Lines" when Kira starts berating what's his face (Shella, or whoever was the leader of the group they were stranded with) about their defense strategy. He looks at her with what I thought was a bit of regret and amusement and says "We used to defend ourselves better...". I haven't talked to a therapist but a lot of the other things you suggest I've tried. I used to try talking to her. Telling her how sometimes it'd be nice if she just said "I love you" or take a walk holding my hand instead of yanking it away when I've tried. I'm not talking about PDA or anything. Then over the last 4 or 5 years I slowly gave up. And now I've just hit a wall. She's a good person. Our relationship problems doesn't mean I think otherwise. And I'm no saint. But over the last few years I've come to the conclusion she'd be happier alone. If we ever split up I honestly don't think she'd want to get in another relationship. She has her own way of doing things and I just think she'd prefer things that way.

Now as I've said before, I've been pretty good at faking it. Pretending everything's fine, esp. to the outside world. But I guess this funk I'm in was inevitable eventually. You can only pretend so long. This dream I had and these thoughts were probably a catalyst to wake me up to just how unhappy I've become. Over the last 2 or 3 years I've even thought of things I would need to do were we split up.

So why are we still together? Part of it I think is her parents. They've always been good to me, no in-law problems here. But that's part of the problem. They'd take it very hard, and would probably be angry. They're a bit old school when it comes to marriage. You don't split up no matter what. I don't think they'd understand that neither of us is all that happy anymore. I mean, I expect them to take her concerns more seriously. They're her parents, I'd be concerned if they didn't. And I don't want an ugly separation. I'd want things to be cordial for our daughter's sake, and I'd have every intention of taking part in her life. And part of it is probably convenience. Splitting up requires a lot of work, let's be honest. And it's not an abusive relationship by any means, so we just go round and round and grow more distant with each passing day. And I start thinking about things some have said in another thread about wishes about how nice it would be just to have someone who's happy to see me at the end of the day, who says she loves me now and again and maybe go out and take a walk together. And I feel so alone.

We were happier once. None of this happened overnight. But as time goes by I start thinking more and more that perhaps our relationship has run its course. It's something I'll have to really think about. It's obviously not fair to either one of us to just go through the motions and pretend everything is ok. Perhaps a time is coming where I should let her go her way and let my self move on.

 

[Damian]

Don't let regret crush you. Find out, from a distance, what happened to the other person. Just so you know. But see a counsellor too. Work through it.

Definitely get your situation with your wife straight first before doing anything else. She deserves that, and anyone else you might get entangled with deserves it. And you deserve a clean start for anything going forward.

I figured it'd be easier to split my response up. While I admit I tried looking to see if I found anything nothing came up. All I know is her first name, where she lived at the time and I believe she would have graduated in 1995, assuming I recall correctly she was going to become a senior in high school that year. Sounds like a lot but it's not for a cursory search. I know our mutual friend is on Facebook but I'm certainly not at the point of bringing anyone else in or making an active search. I certainly would never pursue anything while still married. That's a no-no in my book.

And let's be honest, the only reason you'd probably try to find an old romance is to see if there was still any connection. I can't do that until I get my crap together and unless I was a free man. First (I mean, assuming she were available and interested) not doing it right would screw up any chance I had, and it wouldn't be fair to her either. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else.

It's funny you mentioned that one. I recently rediscovered that album and the song Shipwrecked really got to me.

Good God, other people have actually heard that album! Yes, Shipwrecked is a song on my playlists

Yep, Calling All Stations. I still remember buying it the day it came out. The girl at the desk told me "you know Phil Collins isn't in the band anymore?" I told her I was a Genesis fan first so no problem there. I loved the songs "Congo" the title track, "The Dividing Line" and "There Must be Some Other Way" on that album. I remember how disappointed I was that they cancelled the US leg of their tour in 1998. I would have went.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

First, thanks to everyone for the comments and suggestions.



My daughter's 13. And she can be a struggle, as most 13 year olds probably are. Though I can honestly say that really has nothing to do with my current malaise. And my wife's patience with her isn't the best. She gets frustrated quick. It's not the cause of her issues, just another symptom. You know, though, thinking back, that was how old I was when my parents split up (I was actually happy they split up--it wasn't a healthy relationship). I guess that's one parallel--though I think it's just a coincidence as this has been something that's been building for a few years now.

My wife isn't a bad person. She's just always tended toward the negative end of things, glass half empty. I don't wish her any ill. It's just over time I find it's dragging me down as well. I am generally a positive person. And I used to try to get her to look at the bright side.

And I freely admit to my own faults. I am certainly not perfect. I can be guilty of stubbornness at times (if you've seen debates I've been involved with here you'd see that) and I can procrastinate. She accused me of laziness, but I honestly don't think that's the case. I do my share, but it might be before I go to bed instead of right then and there. I used to even argue my case, but I don't anymore. I just listen and don't really put up much of a defense anymore. I don't want to sound harsh or insensitive, but I find that I don't really care anymore.





You guys have great suggestions but I can't help but think of that scene from the DS9 episode "Battle Lines" when Kira starts berating what's his face (Shella, or whoever was the leader of the group they were stranded with) about their defense strategy. He looks at her with what I thought was a bit of regret and amusement and says "We used to defend ourselves better...". I haven't talked to a therapist but a lot of the other things you suggest I've tried. I used to try talking to her. Telling her how sometimes it'd be nice if she just said "I love you" or take a walk holding my hand instead of yanking it away when I've tried. I'm not talking about PDA or anything. Then over the last 4 or 5 years I slowly gave up. And now I've just hit a wall. She's a good person. Our relationship problems doesn't mean I think otherwise. And I'm no saint. But over the last few years I've come to the conclusion she'd be happier alone. If we ever split up I honestly don't think she'd want to get in another relationship. She has her own way of doing things and I just think she'd prefer things that way.

Now as I've said before, I've been pretty good at faking it. Pretending everything's fine, esp. to the outside world. But I guess this funk I'm in was inevitable eventually. You can only pretend so long. This dream I had and these thoughts were probably a catalyst to wake me up to just how unhappy I've become. Over the last 2 or 3 years I've even thought of things I would need to do were we split up.

So why are we still together? Part of it I think is her parents. They've always been good to me, no in-law problems here. But that's part of the problem. They'd take it very hard, and would probably be angry. They're a bit old school when it comes to marriage. You don't split up no matter what. I don't think they'd understand that neither of us is all that happy anymore. I mean, I expect them to take her concerns more seriously. They're her parents, I'd be concerned if they didn't. And I don't want an ugly separation. I'd want things to be cordial for our daughter's sake, and I'd have every intention of taking part in her life. And part of it is probably convenience. Splitting up requires a lot of work, let's be honest. And it's not an abusive relationship by any means, so we just go round and round and grow more distant with each passing day. And I start thinking about things some have said in another thread about wishes about how nice it would be just to have someone who's happy to see me at the end of the day, who says she loves me now and again and maybe go out and take a walk together. And I feel so alone.

We were happier once. None of this happened overnight. But as time goes by I start thinking more and more that perhaps our relationship has run its course. It's something I'll have to really think about. It's obviously not fair to either one of us to just go through the motions and pretend everything is ok. Perhaps a time is coming where I should let her go her way and let my self move on.

I hope that you and your wife can find a way to be happy together (or apart). I know a little about being stuck and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

[Damian]

2. The version of you that existed back when you were 19 knew your priorities better than the version of you now that is second-guessing 19-year-old you based on things you've learned and feelings you've had in the meantime. You're not being fair to younger-you. So stop that.

I don't regret much in my past. But you know what I regret about this whole situation is my reason. The primary reason... I didn't like the area where I grew up and I remember the primary reason I didn't try to see if we had something more is I wanted to cut all ties with the area. And it was really a stupid reason. Very short sighted. I didn't have to give anything up. It was no failing in her, no issues with her, had she simply not lived near where I grew up I have no doubt I would have tried to pursue something more. It is something I've thought of from time to time over the years.

Maybe nothing would have come of it. Maybe we would have dated for a time and found it didn't work out. I'd be ok with that. It's the not having at least tried. Wondering was there something there or not?

 

[Nakita Akita]

Woman's perspective here, I'm sure there were other women responding too.
Living in the past doesn't work.
I think seeing a counselor, if you can, might be a first step. Work on your real relationship with your wife not something from the past, which sounds nebulous.
She'll remember you but it may not be in the way you remember it. That is to say, she might not place the value( not the completly correct word) that you feel.
But I think you feel that your marriage is important, which is good. I think you should work on that. Marriage isn't always perfect like in TV.

 

[Gary7]

I was a late bloomer... and can so relate to your story, @Damian. There were 2 girls in particular that I had a crush on, and only later on after the opportunities had passed that I managed to learn that they were wanting to have a relationship. But I was so--frigging--clueless. It really sucks to think of how many relationships never happened just because someone didn't know the signals.

As for regret, I used to say that I had a perpetual loan with regret. It only kept getting bigger and I just didn't know how to sever the connection. Regret has its purposes, to learn from mistakes, but when it persists to become self-torture, that's when it goes awry. Serves no purpose but to make you miserable, with absolutely no side benefits whatsoever. Tallying up how often regret outlives its purpose, I don't look kindly upon it at all. It sucks the marrow out of life's possibilities.

 

[Damian]

Thankfully I'm slowly coming out of my down feelings (I hesitate to say depression but it was in the same family). And thanks to everyone here for their continuing advice and help. Sometimes it just helps airing things out.

Woman's perspective here, I'm sure there were other women responding too.
Living in the past doesn't work.
I think seeing a counselor, if you can, might be a first step. Work on your real relationship with your wife not something from the past, which sounds nebulous.
She'll remember you but it may not be in the way you remember it. That is to say, she might not place the value( not the completly correct word) that you feel.
But I think you feel that your marriage is important, which is good. I think you should work on that. Marriage isn't always perfect like in TV.

Thanks. I'm always open to ideas. This whole episode sort of opened my eyes to the fact that I haven't been really happy in my marriage for a while. I think I was even trying to fool myself and pretend everything was ok. And I have to give some real thought to what my next steps are. But realizing to myself there is an issue is at least a first step.

I was a late bloomer... and can so relate to your story, @Damian. There were 2 girls in particular that I had a crush on, and only later on after the opportunities had passed that I managed to learn that they were wanting to have a relationship. But I was so--frigging--clueless. It really sucks to think of how many relationships never happened just because someone didn't know the signals.

Yeah, I can sympathize. I was very bad at reading signals. I probably still would be if I were on the dating scene today. But back then, a girl would almost have to hold up a sign to tell me she liked me. I'd always second guess everything. And I wasn't a guy girls usually swarmed to. I was a middle of the road kind of guy. Neither popular nor unpopular.

Now with this girl, even with my insecurities, I could tell she liked me. How she wore her hair for me and taking my hand were dead giveaways even for someone as blockheaded as myself. It was really this stupid insistence of mine that I wanted no ties to the area I grew up. And it wasn't that I had any issues while growing up their really. I wasn't bullied. I did ok in school. I had friends there. I mentioned earlier I can be stubborn and close myself off to possibilities. It was a stupid reason. I don't often regret past decisions. But it was something I thought about over the years and yes, regretted that I didn't at least try to see if we had something (maybe we wouldn't have...but I wouldn't have regretted that). But this is the first time I really felt down about it. Past times I thought of it was more "hmm, that girl really liked me, I should have seen if we had something" but that was all. I think she was just waiting for me to ask and talking to her friend those couple of weeks later sort of confirmed it for me since it was clear she was disappointed.

I do hope she found happiness. Someday, if things don't work out ultimately with my marriage, maybe I'll try to find out. But for now I consider it off limits.