Ending a friendship

[RoJoHen]

^but you haven't given us a good reason why you two shouldn't be friends anymore.

Because in the time she's been absent, I have stopped caring about her. Why can't that be enough?

I have other friends that I've gone long periods without speaking to, but I still care about them, and I still eventually hope to reconnect. I don't have those feelings with her.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I'm more surprised when people think they can disappear for months/years at a time and then just waltz back into a friendship as though they were never gone. I mean yes, there are times where it can/does happen, but to -expect- it? Wow.

I've had friends like that as well. There's the work buddy who left the company back in 20??, moved from California to Iowa with her family, and whom I never heard from again. We said we would try to stay in touch at least via e-mail. Then two years ago, she sent me a friend request on FB, and I accepted it and thought it would be nice to reconnect with each other. Although it's good to see her post pictures of her family and other activities, we don't really chat, send messages, or communicate per se.

I realize she's very busy because I don't see her updating her status very often. So what we have here is a very passive kind of online friendship, if you can call it that. I don't resent her in any way; when I worked with her, she was extremely friendly and pleasant. I'm happy for the life she has. I just wish there were more than just random posts on Facebook. Or at least make an effort to say, "Hi! How are you doing?"

 

[Finn]

^but you haven't given us a good reason why you two shouldn't be friends anymore.

Because in the time she's been absent, I have stopped caring about her. Why can't that be enough?

I have other friends that I've gone long periods without speaking to, but I still care about them, and I still eventually hope to reconnect. I don't have those feelings with her.

Okay. I'm guessing there's more to this situation than we are seeing here. I'll have to take your word for it.

 

[Gryffindorian]

RoJo mentioned that he did make some attempts to communicate with his friend, which went unanswered. At least he put in the effort to do so.

 

[JarodRussell]

For not caring about her you do waste an incredible amount of thoughts. Intriguing that is.

 

[DonIago]

For me a good friend is someone who I know I can count on if/when I hit some sort of personal crisis...or at least can call or otherwise talk to about the serious stuff on my mind.

Someone who disappears for months or so at a time isn't going to meet that criteria.

Why? The one thing doesn't exclude the other. Someone can be gone for months but when you tell them you're in trouble, they are suddenly there for you.

If someone hasn't been there for months, why would I go to them to begin with? Because I'm desperate and all of the people who have been better friends are suddenly AWOL?

Part of it is that I don't trust friendships where I feel like I always have to be the one taking the initiative. I find it stressful and unfair when I'm put in that position. And I would rather let a friendship slide or possibly come to an end than continue to feel like I'm the only one putting any work into it.

Instead of having to seek out a friend to talk about problems, I would much rather have friends who I talk to regularly enough that I know they'll ask me how I'm doing, and then I can talk about my problems knowing they care.

As for any assumption that someone cares even though they aren't asking or appear to be maintaining contact...well, we all know what they say about assumptions. I would suggest not letting people have to wonder how you feel about them.

 

[Tiberius]

Preface:

I feel like an ass even bringing this up.


Situation:

There is a girl that was my best friend in high school. Through college, even though we were living about 2 hours apart, we still remained very close. We visited each other at least once a month, and we spoke almost every day online (it was the dawn of Facebook, and AIM was at its peak!).

Since college, we have grown apart. This doesn't bother me. She got engaged, moved half way across the country, and made absolutely no effort to keep in touch. The only reason I even know she's engaged is because I saw that her "Relationship Status" on Facebook changed about a year ago...she still hasn't mentioned it to me once in conversation.

I was annoyed by her lack of effort for a little while, but then I came to terms with the fact that we just weren't friends anymore. I haven't seen her in person in nearly 2 years, and we never talk. I accepted this and moved on.

Now, in the last month or so, she has popped back into my life, leaving random messages on Facebook...and I just don't care. I don't have any interest in re-kindling our former friendship. I don't miss her, and I just don't care anymore what she's doing with her life.

I want to tell her, but I don't want to be rude. She hasn't really done anything wrong...hell, it's been years since she's done anything at all (that was the problem). She's still one of the nicest people I've ever known; I just have no interest in her being in my life any more.

So...I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but I needed to blab about this. Advice? Thoughts? Can you relate?

Just because you don't have the relationship with her that you once had is no reason to actively prevent anything from happening again.

I'm not saying that you have to go after her to get your old friendship back, but if she's trying to be nice, then don't shut her out.

 

[Stone_Cold_Sisko]

You either just ignore her Facebook comments and don't make an active effort either way, or you de-friend her on Facebook. Pretty simple.

 

[voyagergrl3193]

I've had a similar situation happen with a friend of mine. I've known this one friend ever since High School years. Occasionally we'd get together, go shopping, or go to a movie or something. Well one day in 2003, she calls me up and says something like: hey wanna get together? I'm getting married and moving to Syracuse, NY tomorrow. Suffice to say I was quite shocked and very upset about her leaving. I can understand her getting married and moving away to pursue nursing, but I felt it was a finality and that was it. Anyway, she "said" she would email me pictures of her wedding and family. Did she ever? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I haven't heard from her in over nine years. But if she calls me ever again, I'll firmly but politely tell her that I don't consider her a friend anymore. That we've gone our seperate ways for nine years and I don't wish to be associated with you anymore. You stopped being my friend after 2003. I forgot to mention that we went to see a movie: Bruce Almighty and one of my favorite actresses was in it. I kept bragging about her, saying I wasn't expecting her to be in it and she got all pissed that I was talking about her. She was like: I don't get it..WHO is she?! I told her again and she was like: but she wasn't in very much of it at all..what's the point? I found that statement very rude. My response was rude back saying: well if you had a favorite actress in one of the movies you'd like to see, you'd be surprised and excited as well..so have some compassion! She wasn't showing any support for me liking an actress and I guess she was also irritated at me as well for digging at it.

She's probably still in Syracuse, NY now with her husband and kids having a good life. I'm happy for her..but at the same time, I'm resentful and feel a little bit of hurt for the way I was treated by her the last few years we were friends. I also forgot to mention that she lived on my street during the time we were friends in high school.

 

[Finn]

^why did you feel it was the end of it when she first announced that she was moving away? You don't have to answer, of course.

People say they would keep in touch but don't all the time. I probably have myself. It doesn't mean they are being rude or something like that. It's not really something one should take personal. That's life.

 

[JarodRussell]

Stumbled over this and was instantly reminded of this thread:

I lol'd.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I'm more surprised when people think they can disappear for months/years at a time and then just waltz back into a friendship as though they were never gone. I mean yes, there are times where it can/does happen, but to -expect- it? Wow.

That waltzing back in seems to be a byproduct of social networking. If you had to actually write an email or pick up the phone you wouldn't do it, but a quick facebook message is somehow friendship-lite enough to make contact.

OP I think people vary greatly in how well they hold friendships, how much a new relationship/job/move takes over their life. I can easily see that if I suddenly had a new partner, moved half a country away and was immersed in a whole new life full of new people I would taper off my contacts with the old life. But after the whirlwind of a new life died down I might want to pick up contact again. Some people are cool about that kind of thing and some people would be hurt. Nowadays I would try and be sensitive to hurting people but in the past I might have been less so.