DS9 Five world thingy...
- Thread starter RobertScorpio
- Start date
in the price of the
paper used to print the
plans for the Cardassian ships
sheepskin. But suddenly, a Tosk
whose rivalry to the industry
(ps: this "Damar's book" storyline is brilliant, by the way...)
(ps: this "Damar's book" storyline is brilliant, by the way...)
was profound argued that Damar's
grasp of historical factors influencing
the glorious Cardassian Union was
poor indeed. This outrageous claim
merited a swift and decisive
monologue about Damar's firsthand knowledge
of History, politics and the
great, rich culture of Cardassia.
Ashamed at his ignorance, Tosk
returned to the Gamma Quadrant
but promised that, one day,
The latest collection (sorry if it seems too soon, but best to keep updating, eh?):
Captain Sisko walked down the corridor toward the Promenade. He looked towards Quark's bar and had not eaten any food since dinner. He ordered a technician to bring him sandwiches, but only if they had lettuce. Finding no vegetables, he decided he instead wanted a tasty lizard-brain stew served raw. Shockingly, Quark had thrown Morn, together with all his shoes, off of the highest table. Odo walked in and declared Morn-tossing an illegal yet very fun activity, however Morn himself disputed the "fun" aspect and launched into a musical number highlighting his plight which became a hit on
Ferenginar.
Quark was jealous, as he had recently signed a contract giving sole ownership of life the universe and everything to Morn, and now this. "QUARK" roared Sisko, as he still hadn't been fed.
"Outrageous!" muttered Gul Dukat sitting at the bar and watching as seven Romulans played poker and failed to match Cardassian expertise by doing silly stuff with the cards: a cunning, deceptive method of playing the game.
Sisko interrupted Dukat then, demanding to know what he had had for lunch. "I want
what you ate," Sisko said.
To which, Dukat replied "you would not like what I ate."
"Was it a bottle of 2047 kanar?" he belched, rubbed his forehead then grinned winningly at the Cardassian who rolled his eyes, sighed, and said to the impatient Ferengi wait person "I want your most beautiful Dabo girl to chuck Sisko out of an airlock."
Quark said, "By the way can I eat his lunch?"
"I still haven't licked a grub worm's smelly excretions" moaned Bashir.
Aghast, Sisko began to scream while rolling across the floor in shocking disregard of the sensibilities of a man his mature age.
Meanwhile, in Ops, Kira ran a cosmetics party, demonstrating the supreme superiority of her favoured religion, the church of the Orange Squiggly Piggly lemon believers. The despised apostate of Lemon-ianity, Weyoun Five, had said publicly that the true meaning of Lemonmas was violent crusade (and furthermore would result in the utter destruction of any world that stood in the way and did not worship nude Vorta). Kai Winn disagreed, insisting that her values and ideas would revolutionize the faith. Kira punched the annoying kai in defiance of this unacceptable challenge to keep buckets of tiny lemons in Bajoran temples. Enraged, Kai Winn declared that someone better be making afternoon tea!!
Disturbingly, status reports indicated that there was a ghost in Sisko's toilet, and when the
captain saw it he said "tea's cancelled, Kai Winn, because there's a ghost in here and we must evacuate".
They responded with resigned indignation, resulting in Sisko' sudden desire to leave without them. Nevertheless, they found a bottle of rum that could fly them off just as good rum does. Everyone climbed aboard, and left Quark wondering what to do about this new development. He laughed uproariously and poured himself some grub worm juice and claimed the station in the shape that it was in and sold it on eBay.
While strolling down the corridor Odo and Dax heard a strange noise that seemed to
indicate someone else was still aboard the station. Jake Sisko turned on the lights inside
and to his horror, revealed that he was really a big wet blanket, for only a true man can really tolerate Quark naked. "What?" said Bashir as he looked at Quark.
"I thought you left."
Bashir said as Quark cried "there, there, we came back."
Suddenly a horta came through the floor, derailing the conversation. "Quark," Bashir yelled, "You must surrender your strongest ale, or that rock beast will stick itself in the corner, refusing all forms of communication until we get it "stoned", haha".
"Well," Quark said as he poured the Horta a drink, "We certainly wouldn't want that."
The Rum returned, Sisko relieved himself in the holosuite because all the urinals on DS9 were now haunted like his. This elegant solution did not go completely without problems since Kai Winn paid the ghost to sell his story on to the Federation News Service and Sisko was portrayed in such a bad way, that angry letters condemning him arrived in mass. Ezri, clad only in her pajamas, which were purple and blue, suggested Sisko should perform a few favours while standing on one foot.
"Ezri? You were Jadzia earlier"
"Yeah, and a bartender too."
Frightened at the changes, O'Brien signed a treaty with the ballet dancers of Googleworld Five, stipulating that (in accordance with prior decrees from the Dancelord, there would be da rhythm) O'Brien would provide them with enough Irish whiskey to drown Morn and possibly Quark too.
Just then a fleet of Napoleonic-era warships sailed past and fired a punishing broadside
volley at Sisko, to avenge the defeat of the British at last night's tennis final.
"You damned yank blaggard" shouted Rom, surprising everyone.
"You're British?"
" But of course" he said "and Nog is French".
Nog said, "Oui. Je suis francais."
According to Jake's latest novel,The innocent voyage of George the Cardassian Vole, the situation had an unfortunate tendency to deteriorate rapidly whenever French Ferengi sold their stock in April. Nog shifted guiltily, and indeed he had every right to be nervous, for the situation had grown terribly grave, for due to the horta's alcoholism and many others that had tasted the sweet ambrosia of Kanar, resulting in the downfall of tea, Kai Winn still would not shut up despite everything, and that was that.
Worf, aboard the Defiant, blasted heavy metal out of all the speakers on the bridge. Damar, who was a serious sort of fellow, was appalled at this vulgar display from the Klingon, and complained to the high court of cool people united against uncoolness. He was a high judge and successfully had Worf branded an utter moron and executed immediately. Shocked but respectful of Damar's bold and decisive action the crew of Deep Space Nine voted to make Damar the best chocolate cake ever made.
Dukat was furious: "That cake by rights belongs to me”.
However the Central Command told the people that, due to their overwhelming greatness there would be cake for all.
Sisko said, "but I don't want any cake, it's my least favourite yum-yum". Embarrassed, Jake hid behind the couch in his room and then laughed at himself, and bought back tea.
Said the founder to the Vorta, "the time has come to unleash the firepower of the awesome powered weapon of my toy spacecraft".
"Actually, Founder, there is no way to make your toy an actual warship you stupid little blob!” screamed the Vorta, losing it in what was one of the decade’s most amusing emotional breakdowns since the infamous case where Brunt realized he’s ugly.
The noted Breen historian turned fashion critic, Thot Mog, arrived and promptly burst into tears when confronted with Winn’s hat.
“I’m sorry, I really am” insisted Winn, “but Bajoran law means that I must wear odd hats unless I am dancing in the pale moonlight, as that situation requires a green wig instead, you understand”.
Thot Mog nodded bravely, and activated his jetpack, shooting up and smacking into the roof, so concluding the Breen fashion empire which lasted all of 17 posts.
Afterwards, Quark decided to join the Democratic party, which had been revived by copious amounts of liquor and assigned to the station oversight dealing with the increased threat presented by you, yes, YOU, and your EVIL and misbegotten ways.
Ashamed, Morn assumed he was to blame for all the weirdness so far, and he told Quark that he was behind it all even though he could not remember what exactly he had done.
“So it was you who caused all the confusing storylines that gave the network fits!” growled Odo, marching up to the bar stool and taking up a standard attack posture even though he clearly wasn’t an Egyptian.
“Whatever do you mean by this outrage?” said the Reman soldier standing beside Morn, finishing off his pint of real ale and suddenly realizing that he wasn’t spending his quatloos on Romulus as he ought. Morn didn’t see a problem with doing a runner to escape Odo, but the grumpy changeling had decided to take off the license to kill and put adhesive on Morn’s bar stool after dinner.
Morn suddenly said “I do believe that I am stuck here. Will somebody please inform the King of my unspeakably embarrassing predicament? I am simply unable to tolerate that feeling in the back of my thighs when stuck to a chair like this”.
Distraught over Morn’s plight, Dax launched a Federation-wide crusade for justice.
“Justice for Morn, and all the victims of Odo’s applied adhesive, such as the entire population of New Bajor”.
“So that’s why they all turned to the east” Quark exclaimed, polishing a glass.
Ghemor stood laughing until the cows came home.
“About time!”
Said the Prophets, “this thread offends us with its linear thinking and silly plot twists”
“Fine” said Sisko, “I will order Deranged Nasat and Thor Damar and company to develop a more rounded DS9 story, so mending their ways”.
“Include Vulcan Princess and JustKate” (who are equally guilty of creating this very strange story) was the cry. Here goes:
“Very well” muttered Thor Damar, “Once upon a time there was a young Cardassian named Zaklin Da’Harn. He wished to improve his already formidable intellect and so downloaded illegal brainteaser Five ways to a better you but with added genius by Skrain Dukat. Unfortunately, this piece of self-serving egotistical drivel didn’t have the desired effect on the Cardassian Empire. Lengthy, even by Cardassian standards, Dukat’s preening counterargument disgusted many. The Cardassian Union sentenced Dukat to the greatest hardship imaginable: listening to the Spice Girls parody the works of Surak.
“This is not logical” Damar groaned, “no-one deserves this agony, not even that piece of bombastic, narcissistic, arrogant, selfish, capricious warmongering, vain, obnoxious and disturbed piece of noisome pond slime”.
Damar paused, deep in thought, before continuing “Although, on further consideration there’s a silver lining. For I, Corat Damar, will write a better book. It will be the complete history of Cardassian folk music and will contain all the greatest hit albums of the past along with relevant history and insight into what the Cardassian Soul scene was all about”.
When Odo heard this, he nodded in approval and told Quark that he better order a thousand copies of Damar’s book as soon as they came off the press. Quark however was more interested in the price of the paper used to print the plans for the Cardassian ships that was apparently printed in sheepskin. But suddenly, a Tosk, whose rivalry to the industry was profound, argued that Damar’s grasp of historical factors influencing the glorious Cardassian Union was poor indeed. This outrageous claim merited a swift and decisive monologue about Damar’s firsthand knowledge of history, politics and the great, rich culture of Cardassia. Ashamed at his ignorance, Tosk returned to the Gamma Quadrant but promised that, one day,
Captain Sisko walked down the corridor toward the Promenade. He looked towards Quark's bar and had not eaten any food since dinner. He ordered a technician to bring him sandwiches, but only if they had lettuce. Finding no vegetables, he decided he instead wanted a tasty lizard-brain stew served raw. Shockingly, Quark had thrown Morn, together with all his shoes, off of the highest table. Odo walked in and declared Morn-tossing an illegal yet very fun activity, however Morn himself disputed the "fun" aspect and launched into a musical number highlighting his plight which became a hit on
Ferenginar.
Quark was jealous, as he had recently signed a contract giving sole ownership of life the universe and everything to Morn, and now this. "QUARK" roared Sisko, as he still hadn't been fed.
"Outrageous!" muttered Gul Dukat sitting at the bar and watching as seven Romulans played poker and failed to match Cardassian expertise by doing silly stuff with the cards: a cunning, deceptive method of playing the game.
Sisko interrupted Dukat then, demanding to know what he had had for lunch. "I want
what you ate," Sisko said.
To which, Dukat replied "you would not like what I ate."
"Was it a bottle of 2047 kanar?" he belched, rubbed his forehead then grinned winningly at the Cardassian who rolled his eyes, sighed, and said to the impatient Ferengi wait person "I want your most beautiful Dabo girl to chuck Sisko out of an airlock."
Quark said, "By the way can I eat his lunch?"
"I still haven't licked a grub worm's smelly excretions" moaned Bashir.
Aghast, Sisko began to scream while rolling across the floor in shocking disregard of the sensibilities of a man his mature age.
Meanwhile, in Ops, Kira ran a cosmetics party, demonstrating the supreme superiority of her favoured religion, the church of the Orange Squiggly Piggly lemon believers. The despised apostate of Lemon-ianity, Weyoun Five, had said publicly that the true meaning of Lemonmas was violent crusade (and furthermore would result in the utter destruction of any world that stood in the way and did not worship nude Vorta). Kai Winn disagreed, insisting that her values and ideas would revolutionize the faith. Kira punched the annoying kai in defiance of this unacceptable challenge to keep buckets of tiny lemons in Bajoran temples. Enraged, Kai Winn declared that someone better be making afternoon tea!!
Disturbingly, status reports indicated that there was a ghost in Sisko's toilet, and when the
captain saw it he said "tea's cancelled, Kai Winn, because there's a ghost in here and we must evacuate".
They responded with resigned indignation, resulting in Sisko' sudden desire to leave without them. Nevertheless, they found a bottle of rum that could fly them off just as good rum does. Everyone climbed aboard, and left Quark wondering what to do about this new development. He laughed uproariously and poured himself some grub worm juice and claimed the station in the shape that it was in and sold it on eBay.
While strolling down the corridor Odo and Dax heard a strange noise that seemed to
indicate someone else was still aboard the station. Jake Sisko turned on the lights inside
and to his horror, revealed that he was really a big wet blanket, for only a true man can really tolerate Quark naked. "What?" said Bashir as he looked at Quark.
"I thought you left."
Bashir said as Quark cried "there, there, we came back."
Suddenly a horta came through the floor, derailing the conversation. "Quark," Bashir yelled, "You must surrender your strongest ale, or that rock beast will stick itself in the corner, refusing all forms of communication until we get it "stoned", haha".
"Well," Quark said as he poured the Horta a drink, "We certainly wouldn't want that."
The Rum returned, Sisko relieved himself in the holosuite because all the urinals on DS9 were now haunted like his. This elegant solution did not go completely without problems since Kai Winn paid the ghost to sell his story on to the Federation News Service and Sisko was portrayed in such a bad way, that angry letters condemning him arrived in mass. Ezri, clad only in her pajamas, which were purple and blue, suggested Sisko should perform a few favours while standing on one foot.
"Ezri? You were Jadzia earlier"
"Yeah, and a bartender too."
Frightened at the changes, O'Brien signed a treaty with the ballet dancers of Googleworld Five, stipulating that (in accordance with prior decrees from the Dancelord, there would be da rhythm) O'Brien would provide them with enough Irish whiskey to drown Morn and possibly Quark too.
Just then a fleet of Napoleonic-era warships sailed past and fired a punishing broadside
volley at Sisko, to avenge the defeat of the British at last night's tennis final.
"You damned yank blaggard" shouted Rom, surprising everyone.
"You're British?"
" But of course" he said "and Nog is French".
Nog said, "Oui. Je suis francais."
According to Jake's latest novel,The innocent voyage of George the Cardassian Vole, the situation had an unfortunate tendency to deteriorate rapidly whenever French Ferengi sold their stock in April. Nog shifted guiltily, and indeed he had every right to be nervous, for the situation had grown terribly grave, for due to the horta's alcoholism and many others that had tasted the sweet ambrosia of Kanar, resulting in the downfall of tea, Kai Winn still would not shut up despite everything, and that was that.
Worf, aboard the Defiant, blasted heavy metal out of all the speakers on the bridge. Damar, who was a serious sort of fellow, was appalled at this vulgar display from the Klingon, and complained to the high court of cool people united against uncoolness. He was a high judge and successfully had Worf branded an utter moron and executed immediately. Shocked but respectful of Damar's bold and decisive action the crew of Deep Space Nine voted to make Damar the best chocolate cake ever made.
Dukat was furious: "That cake by rights belongs to me”.
However the Central Command told the people that, due to their overwhelming greatness there would be cake for all.
Sisko said, "but I don't want any cake, it's my least favourite yum-yum". Embarrassed, Jake hid behind the couch in his room and then laughed at himself, and bought back tea.
Said the founder to the Vorta, "the time has come to unleash the firepower of the awesome powered weapon of my toy spacecraft".
"Actually, Founder, there is no way to make your toy an actual warship you stupid little blob!” screamed the Vorta, losing it in what was one of the decade’s most amusing emotional breakdowns since the infamous case where Brunt realized he’s ugly.
The noted Breen historian turned fashion critic, Thot Mog, arrived and promptly burst into tears when confronted with Winn’s hat.
“I’m sorry, I really am” insisted Winn, “but Bajoran law means that I must wear odd hats unless I am dancing in the pale moonlight, as that situation requires a green wig instead, you understand”.
Thot Mog nodded bravely, and activated his jetpack, shooting up and smacking into the roof, so concluding the Breen fashion empire which lasted all of 17 posts.
Afterwards, Quark decided to join the Democratic party, which had been revived by copious amounts of liquor and assigned to the station oversight dealing with the increased threat presented by you, yes, YOU, and your EVIL and misbegotten ways.
Ashamed, Morn assumed he was to blame for all the weirdness so far, and he told Quark that he was behind it all even though he could not remember what exactly he had done.
“So it was you who caused all the confusing storylines that gave the network fits!” growled Odo, marching up to the bar stool and taking up a standard attack posture even though he clearly wasn’t an Egyptian.
“Whatever do you mean by this outrage?” said the Reman soldier standing beside Morn, finishing off his pint of real ale and suddenly realizing that he wasn’t spending his quatloos on Romulus as he ought. Morn didn’t see a problem with doing a runner to escape Odo, but the grumpy changeling had decided to take off the license to kill and put adhesive on Morn’s bar stool after dinner.
Morn suddenly said “I do believe that I am stuck here. Will somebody please inform the King of my unspeakably embarrassing predicament? I am simply unable to tolerate that feeling in the back of my thighs when stuck to a chair like this”.
Distraught over Morn’s plight, Dax launched a Federation-wide crusade for justice.
“Justice for Morn, and all the victims of Odo’s applied adhesive, such as the entire population of New Bajor”.
“So that’s why they all turned to the east” Quark exclaimed, polishing a glass.
Ghemor stood laughing until the cows came home.
“About time!”
Said the Prophets, “this thread offends us with its linear thinking and silly plot twists”
“Fine” said Sisko, “I will order Deranged Nasat and Thor Damar and company to develop a more rounded DS9 story, so mending their ways”.
“Include Vulcan Princess and JustKate” (who are equally guilty of creating this very strange story) was the cry. Here goes:
“Very well” muttered Thor Damar, “Once upon a time there was a young Cardassian named Zaklin Da’Harn. He wished to improve his already formidable intellect and so downloaded illegal brainteaser Five ways to a better you but with added genius by Skrain Dukat. Unfortunately, this piece of self-serving egotistical drivel didn’t have the desired effect on the Cardassian Empire. Lengthy, even by Cardassian standards, Dukat’s preening counterargument disgusted many. The Cardassian Union sentenced Dukat to the greatest hardship imaginable: listening to the Spice Girls parody the works of Surak.
“This is not logical” Damar groaned, “no-one deserves this agony, not even that piece of bombastic, narcissistic, arrogant, selfish, capricious warmongering, vain, obnoxious and disturbed piece of noisome pond slime”.
Damar paused, deep in thought, before continuing “Although, on further consideration there’s a silver lining. For I, Corat Damar, will write a better book. It will be the complete history of Cardassian folk music and will contain all the greatest hit albums of the past along with relevant history and insight into what the Cardassian Soul scene was all about”.
When Odo heard this, he nodded in approval and told Quark that he better order a thousand copies of Damar’s book as soon as they came off the press. Quark however was more interested in the price of the paper used to print the plans for the Cardassian ships that was apparently printed in sheepskin. But suddenly, a Tosk, whose rivalry to the industry was profound, argued that Damar’s grasp of historical factors influencing the glorious Cardassian Union was poor indeed. This outrageous claim merited a swift and decisive monologue about Damar’s firsthand knowledge of history, politics and the great, rich culture of Cardassia. Ashamed at his ignorance, Tosk returned to the Gamma Quadrant but promised that, one day,
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he would return with his
