running joke led all to
DS9 Five world thingy...
- Thread starter RobertScorpio
- Start date
but strangely, life went on.
Morn sighed, because no longer
RobertScorpio
Pariah
were the plumb breasts of
The Sisko considered collectors' items.
and 20 per GPL bar.
DS9 Story
Starring: Corat Damar.
Also Featuring:
Morn
Benjamin Sisko
Jake Sisko
Kira Nerys
Odo
Odo the Llama (no relation)
Quark
Jadzia or Ezri Dax, possibly both
Worf
Miles O’Brien
Julian Bashir
Rom
Nog
Kai Winn Adami
Skrain Dukat and his manly hat
Tekeny Ghemor
Elim Garak
A Gul
Broca
A Reman soldier
Weyoun
Tosk
Zaklin Da'Harn
An alcoholic Horta
A Founder
A Vorta
Leskit
Gowron
Darth Vader
Emperor Palpatine
Lord Vetinari
Bullwinkle J. Moose
Stephen King
Walt Disney
Birds, wrongfully portrayed in previous stories and demanding compensation
Gul Jasad (not amused)
Gul Evek
God
The Devil
Death
Q
Gul Rugat III
Vreenak
Subcommander Taris
Bashir’s mother
Molly O’Brien
Gul Roger Jones of Slough
The Court of Cool People United Against Uncoolness
Ballet Dancers of Googleworld Five
Thot Mog, Breen fashion critic
Pleasant pheasant packaging peasants
Klingon Kustard Pie Kartal
Andorian nuns
A mysterious stranger
Evil goo
Ghostbusters
Blue Bunnies
Dancing, singing nude nurses
The British war fleet
Slapstick Guls of War
Your Mom
Many Cardassian voles, including the fat one
The Sentient Narrator
The Sentient Narrator’s boss
Lolcat Invasion Forces, led by the Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Committeh
Special Appearance by: Blue Monkey of Shaganla.
The story:
Captain Sisko walked down the corridor toward the Promenade. He looked towards Quark's bar and had not eaten any food since dinner. He ordered a technician to bring him sandwiches, but only if they had lettuce. Finding no vegetables, he decided he instead wanted a tasty lizard-brain stew served raw. Shockingly, Quark had thrown Morn, together with all his shoes, off of the highest table. Odo walked in and declared Morn-tossing an illegal yet very fun activity, however Morn himself disputed the "fun" aspect and launched into a musical number highlighting his plight which became a hit on Ferenginar.
Quark was jealous, as he had recently signed a contract giving sole ownership of life the universe and everything to Morn, and now this. "QUARK" roared Sisko, as he still hadn't been fed.
"Outrageous!" muttered Gul Dukat sitting at the bar and watching as seven Romulans played poker and failed to match Cardassian expertise by doing silly stuff with the cards: a cunning, deceptive method of playing the game.
Sisko interrupted Dukat then, demanding to know what he had had for lunch. "I want what you ate," Sisko said.
To which, Dukat replied, "you would not like what I ate."
"Was it a bottle of 2047 kanar?" he belched, rubbed his forehead then grinned winningly at the Cardassian who rolled his eyes, sighed, and said to the impatient Ferengi wait person "I want your most beautiful Dabo girl to chuck Sisko out of an airlock."
Quark said, "By the way can I eat his lunch?"
"I still haven't licked a grub worm's smelly excretions" moaned Bashir.
Aghast, Sisko began to scream while rolling across the floor in shocking disregard of the sensibilities of a man his mature age.
Meanwhile, in Ops, Kira ran a cosmetics party, demonstrating the supreme superiority of her favoured religion, the church of the Orange Squiggly Piggly lemon believers. The despised apostate of Lemon-ianity, Weyoun Five, had said publicly that the true meaning of Lemonmas was violent crusade (and furthermore would result in the utter destruction of any world that stood in the way and did not worship nude Vorta). Kai Winn disagreed, insisting that her values and ideas would revolutionize the faith. Kira punched the annoying kai in defiance of this unacceptable challenge to keep buckets of tiny lemons in Bajoran temples. Enraged, Kai Winn declared that someone better be making afternoon tea!!
Disturbingly, status reports indicated that there was a ghost in Sisko's toilet, and when the captain saw it he said "tea's cancelled, Kai Winn, because there's a ghost in here and we must evacuate".
They responded with resigned indignation, resulting in Sisko' sudden desire to leave without them. Nevertheless, they found a bottle of rum that could fly them off just as good rum does. Everyone climbed aboard, and left Quark wondering what to do about this new development. He laughed uproariously and poured himself some grub worm juice and claimed the station in the shape that it was in and sold it on eBay.
While strolling down the corridor Odo and Dax heard a strange noise that seemed to indicate someone else was still aboard the station. Jake Sisko turned on the lights inside and to his horror, revealed that he was really a big wet blanket, for only a true man can really tolerate Quark naked. "What?" said Bashir as he looked at Quark.
"I thought you left."
Bashir said as Quark cried "there, there, we came back."
Suddenly a horta came through the floor, derailing the conversation. "Quark," Bashir yelled, "You must surrender your strongest ale, or that rock beast will stick itself in the corner, refusing all forms of communication until we get it "stoned", haha".
"Well," Quark said as he poured the Horta a drink, "We certainly wouldn't want that."
The Rum returned, Sisko relieved himself in the holosuite because all the urinals on DS9 were now haunted like his. This elegant solution did not go completely without problems since Kai Winn paid the ghost to sell his story on to the Federation News Service and Sisko was portrayed in such a bad way, that angry letters condemning him arrived in mass. Ezri, clad only in her pajamas, which were purple and blue, suggested Sisko should perform a few favours while standing on one foot.
"Ezri? You were Jadzia earlier"
"Yeah, and a bartender too."
Frightened at the changes, O'Brien signed a treaty with the ballet dancers of Googleworld Five, stipulating that (in accordance with prior decrees from the Dancelord, there would be da rhythm) O'Brien would provide them with enough Irish whiskey to drown Morn and possibly Quark too.
Just then a fleet of Napoleonic-era warships sailed past and fired a punishing broadside volley at Sisko, to avenge the defeat of the British at last night's tennis final.
"You damned yank blaggard" shouted Rom, surprising everyone.
"You're British?"
" But of course" he said "and Nog is French".
Nog said, "Oui. Je suis francais."
According to Jake's latest novel,The innocent voyage of George the Cardassian Vole, the situation had an unfortunate tendency to deteriorate rapidly whenever French Ferengi sold their stock in April. Nog shifted guiltily, and indeed he had every right to be nervous, for the situation had grown terribly grave, for due to the horta's alcoholism and many others that had tasted the sweet ambrosia of Kanar, resulting in the downfall of tea, Kai Winn still would not shut up despite everything, and that was that.
Worf, aboard the Defiant, blasted heavy metal out of all the speakers on the bridge. Damar, who was a serious sort of fellow, was appalled at this vulgar display from the Klingon, and complained to the high court of cool people united against uncoolness. He was a high judge and successfully had Worf branded an utter moron and executed immediately. Shocked but respectful of Damar's bold and decisive action the crew of Deep Space Nine voted to make Damar the best chocolate cake ever made.
Dukat was furious: "That cake by rights belongs to me”.
However the Central Command told the people that, due to their overwhelming greatness there would be cake for all.
Sisko said, "but I don't want any cake, it's my least favourite yum-yum". Embarrassed, Jake hid behind the couch in his room and then laughed at himself, and bought back tea.
Said the founder to the Vorta, "the time has come to unleash the firepower of the awesome powered weapon of my toy spacecraft".
"Actually, Founder, there is no way to make your toy an actual warship you stupid little blob!” screamed the Vorta, losing it in what was one of the decade’s most amusing emotional breakdowns since the infamous case where Brunt realized he’s ugly.
The noted Breen historian turned fashion critic, Thot Mog, arrived and promptly burst into tears when confronted with Winn’s hat.
“I’m sorry, I really am” insisted Winn, “but Bajoran law means that I must wear odd hats unless I am dancing in the pale moonlight, as that situation requires a green wig instead, you understand”.
Thot Mog nodded bravely, and activated his jetpack, shooting up and smacking into the roof, so concluding the Breen fashion empire which lasted all of 17 posts.
Afterwards, Quark decided to join the Democratic party, which had been revived by copious amounts of liquor and assigned to the station oversight dealing with the increased threat presented by you, yes, YOU, and your EVIL and misbegotten ways.
Ashamed, Morn assumed he was to blame for all the weirdness so far, and he told Quark that he was behind it all even though he could not remember what exactly he had done.
“So it was you who caused all the confusing storylines that gave the network fits!” growled Odo, marching up to the bar stool and taking up a standard attack posture even though he clearly wasn’t an Egyptian.
“Whatever do you mean by this outrage?” said the Reman soldier standing beside Morn, finishing off his pint of real ale and suddenly realizing that he wasn’t spending his quatloos on Romulus as he ought. Morn didn’t see a problem with doing a runner to escape Odo, but the grumpy changeling had decided to take off the license to kill and put adhesive on Morn’s bar stool after dinner.
Morn suddenly said “I do believe that I am stuck here. Will somebody please inform the King of my unspeakably embarrassing predicament? I am simply unable to tolerate that feeling in the back of my thighs when stuck to a chair like this”.
Distraught over Morn’s plight, Dax launched a Federation-wide crusade for justice.
“Justice for Morn, and all the victims of Odo’s applied adhesive, such as the entire population of New Bajor”.
“So that’s why they all turned to the east” Quark exclaimed, polishing a glass.
Ghemor stood laughing until the cows came home.
“About time!”
Said the Prophets, “this thread offends us with its linear thinking and silly plot twists”
“Fine” said Sisko, “I will order Deranged Nasat and Thor Damar and company to develop a more rounded DS9 story, so mending their ways”.
“Include Vulcan Princess and JustKate” (who are equally guilty of creating this very strange story) was the cry. Here goes:
“Very well” muttered Thor Damar, “Once upon a time there was a young Cardassian named Zaklin Da’Harn. He wished to improve his already formidable intellect and so downloaded illegal brainteaser Five ways to a better you but with added genius by Skrain Dukat. Unfortunately, this piece of self-serving egotistical drivel didn’t have the desired effect on the Cardassian Empire. Lengthy, even by Cardassian standards, Dukat’s preening counterargument disgusted many. The Cardassian Union sentenced Dukat to the greatest hardship imaginable: listening to the Spice girls parody the works of Surak.
“This is not logical” Damar groaned, “no-one deserves this agony, not even that piece of bombastic, narcissistic, arrogant, selfish, capricious warmongering, vain, obnoxious and disturbed piece of noisome pond slime”.
Damar paused, deep in thought, before continuing “although, on further consideration there’s a silver lining. For I, Corat Damar, will write a better book. It will be the complete history of Cardassian folk music and will contain all the greatest hit albums of the past along with relevant history and insight into what the Cardassian Soul scene was all about”.
When Odo heard this, he nodded in approval and told Quark that he better order a thousand copies of Damar’s book as soon as they came off the press. Quark however was more interested in the price of the paper used to print the plans for the Cardassian ships that was apparently printed in sheepskin. But suddenly, a Tosk, whose rivalry to the industry was profound, argued that Damar’s grasp of historical factors influencing the glorious Cardassian Union was poor indeed. This outrageous claim merited a swift and decisive monologue about Damar’s firsthand knowledge of history, politics and the great, rich culture of Cardassia. Ashamed at his ignorance, Tosk returned to the Gamma Quadrant but promised that, one day, he would return with his elderly mother, and then there would be an overdue reckoning. Sisko scoffed at this threat:
“This tale is Damar’s”.
Odo arrested Tosk for detracting from the current story line. Damar smiled as Odo yodelled “un-bucketed into the Gamma Quadrant, that’s what it’s all about: Damar!”
“Thank you, Constable”, Damar said, making sure his greatness was appreciated.
Kira rolled her eyes at the manner in which the merchants on the promenade all picked a peck of pickled peppers without consulting Sisko on how to cook them without burning them. Damar reminded them that he was indeed the focus of the story and Kira retorted
“Hey, you’ll need me too, because who else can narfle the Garthok completely, and by doing so save us all from chaos?”
Damar said, “me, so there”.
Increasingly, it became obvious that Damar had taken complete control of the written word, leaving everyone else to go find some other form of expression. They were forced to settle for mime, which enraged Lord Vetinari and resulted in scorpions being domesticated for their friendly personalities. By far the finest mime in the known universe was Darth Vader, who impressed crowds with his lightsaber skills.
Damar nodded his head in a drunken stupor from all the kanar he had imbibed. He looked at the Gul and said, with squeezed lips,
“Have I ever told you that when it rains my war injuries hurt even more?”
“Yes” said the Gul, “many times, you drunken bastard!”
Damar said “my parents are married”.
“What does that have to do with the price of bloodworms on Regulus?” the Gul replied in a tired voice.
“I’ll tell you what, you bloody moron. It means that if I have to use a five iron to sort out this mess, then Bunny Jackson will claim the throne of Tonga and begin a reign of abject apathy that will slothfully outrage the most pleasant pheasant packaging peasants in paltry conditions not worthy of a Modern Major General”.
Even though this story has gotten weird, “we shall continue!” Damar roared.
“Damar shall be obeyed” confirmed all of Cardassia. Dukat wept bitterly at this turn of fate which had left him all dressed up with nowhere to go.
“Sequins are for evening, but when I wear purple with them, they look fabulous!”
“What a non-sequitur” Damar exclaimed
“I meant a purple hat” Dukat hedged, “a manly hat”
“I do not care for sequins, however “manly” Damar sniffed.
Starring: Corat Damar.
Also Featuring:
Morn
Benjamin Sisko
Jake Sisko
Kira Nerys
Odo
Odo the Llama (no relation)
Quark
Jadzia or Ezri Dax, possibly both
Worf
Miles O’Brien
Julian Bashir
Rom
Nog
Kai Winn Adami
Skrain Dukat and his manly hat
Tekeny Ghemor
Elim Garak
A Gul
Broca
A Reman soldier
Weyoun
Tosk
Zaklin Da'Harn
An alcoholic Horta
A Founder
A Vorta
Leskit
Gowron
Darth Vader
Emperor Palpatine
Lord Vetinari
Bullwinkle J. Moose
Stephen King
Walt Disney
Birds, wrongfully portrayed in previous stories and demanding compensation
Gul Jasad (not amused)
Gul Evek
God
The Devil
Death
Q
Gul Rugat III
Vreenak
Subcommander Taris
Bashir’s mother
Molly O’Brien
Gul Roger Jones of Slough
The Court of Cool People United Against Uncoolness
Ballet Dancers of Googleworld Five
Thot Mog, Breen fashion critic
Pleasant pheasant packaging peasants
Klingon Kustard Pie Kartal
Andorian nuns
A mysterious stranger
Evil goo
Ghostbusters
Blue Bunnies
Dancing, singing nude nurses
The British war fleet
Slapstick Guls of War
Your Mom
Many Cardassian voles, including the fat one
The Sentient Narrator
The Sentient Narrator’s boss
Lolcat Invasion Forces, led by the Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Committeh
Special Appearance by: Blue Monkey of Shaganla.
The story:
Captain Sisko walked down the corridor toward the Promenade. He looked towards Quark's bar and had not eaten any food since dinner. He ordered a technician to bring him sandwiches, but only if they had lettuce. Finding no vegetables, he decided he instead wanted a tasty lizard-brain stew served raw. Shockingly, Quark had thrown Morn, together with all his shoes, off of the highest table. Odo walked in and declared Morn-tossing an illegal yet very fun activity, however Morn himself disputed the "fun" aspect and launched into a musical number highlighting his plight which became a hit on Ferenginar.
Quark was jealous, as he had recently signed a contract giving sole ownership of life the universe and everything to Morn, and now this. "QUARK" roared Sisko, as he still hadn't been fed.
"Outrageous!" muttered Gul Dukat sitting at the bar and watching as seven Romulans played poker and failed to match Cardassian expertise by doing silly stuff with the cards: a cunning, deceptive method of playing the game.
Sisko interrupted Dukat then, demanding to know what he had had for lunch. "I want what you ate," Sisko said.
To which, Dukat replied, "you would not like what I ate."
"Was it a bottle of 2047 kanar?" he belched, rubbed his forehead then grinned winningly at the Cardassian who rolled his eyes, sighed, and said to the impatient Ferengi wait person "I want your most beautiful Dabo girl to chuck Sisko out of an airlock."
Quark said, "By the way can I eat his lunch?"
"I still haven't licked a grub worm's smelly excretions" moaned Bashir.
Aghast, Sisko began to scream while rolling across the floor in shocking disregard of the sensibilities of a man his mature age.
Meanwhile, in Ops, Kira ran a cosmetics party, demonstrating the supreme superiority of her favoured religion, the church of the Orange Squiggly Piggly lemon believers. The despised apostate of Lemon-ianity, Weyoun Five, had said publicly that the true meaning of Lemonmas was violent crusade (and furthermore would result in the utter destruction of any world that stood in the way and did not worship nude Vorta). Kai Winn disagreed, insisting that her values and ideas would revolutionize the faith. Kira punched the annoying kai in defiance of this unacceptable challenge to keep buckets of tiny lemons in Bajoran temples. Enraged, Kai Winn declared that someone better be making afternoon tea!!
Disturbingly, status reports indicated that there was a ghost in Sisko's toilet, and when the captain saw it he said "tea's cancelled, Kai Winn, because there's a ghost in here and we must evacuate".
They responded with resigned indignation, resulting in Sisko' sudden desire to leave without them. Nevertheless, they found a bottle of rum that could fly them off just as good rum does. Everyone climbed aboard, and left Quark wondering what to do about this new development. He laughed uproariously and poured himself some grub worm juice and claimed the station in the shape that it was in and sold it on eBay.
While strolling down the corridor Odo and Dax heard a strange noise that seemed to indicate someone else was still aboard the station. Jake Sisko turned on the lights inside and to his horror, revealed that he was really a big wet blanket, for only a true man can really tolerate Quark naked. "What?" said Bashir as he looked at Quark.
"I thought you left."
Bashir said as Quark cried "there, there, we came back."
Suddenly a horta came through the floor, derailing the conversation. "Quark," Bashir yelled, "You must surrender your strongest ale, or that rock beast will stick itself in the corner, refusing all forms of communication until we get it "stoned", haha".
"Well," Quark said as he poured the Horta a drink, "We certainly wouldn't want that."
The Rum returned, Sisko relieved himself in the holosuite because all the urinals on DS9 were now haunted like his. This elegant solution did not go completely without problems since Kai Winn paid the ghost to sell his story on to the Federation News Service and Sisko was portrayed in such a bad way, that angry letters condemning him arrived in mass. Ezri, clad only in her pajamas, which were purple and blue, suggested Sisko should perform a few favours while standing on one foot.
"Ezri? You were Jadzia earlier"
"Yeah, and a bartender too."
Frightened at the changes, O'Brien signed a treaty with the ballet dancers of Googleworld Five, stipulating that (in accordance with prior decrees from the Dancelord, there would be da rhythm) O'Brien would provide them with enough Irish whiskey to drown Morn and possibly Quark too.
Just then a fleet of Napoleonic-era warships sailed past and fired a punishing broadside volley at Sisko, to avenge the defeat of the British at last night's tennis final.
"You damned yank blaggard" shouted Rom, surprising everyone.
"You're British?"
" But of course" he said "and Nog is French".
Nog said, "Oui. Je suis francais."
According to Jake's latest novel,The innocent voyage of George the Cardassian Vole, the situation had an unfortunate tendency to deteriorate rapidly whenever French Ferengi sold their stock in April. Nog shifted guiltily, and indeed he had every right to be nervous, for the situation had grown terribly grave, for due to the horta's alcoholism and many others that had tasted the sweet ambrosia of Kanar, resulting in the downfall of tea, Kai Winn still would not shut up despite everything, and that was that.
Worf, aboard the Defiant, blasted heavy metal out of all the speakers on the bridge. Damar, who was a serious sort of fellow, was appalled at this vulgar display from the Klingon, and complained to the high court of cool people united against uncoolness. He was a high judge and successfully had Worf branded an utter moron and executed immediately. Shocked but respectful of Damar's bold and decisive action the crew of Deep Space Nine voted to make Damar the best chocolate cake ever made.
Dukat was furious: "That cake by rights belongs to me”.
However the Central Command told the people that, due to their overwhelming greatness there would be cake for all.
Sisko said, "but I don't want any cake, it's my least favourite yum-yum". Embarrassed, Jake hid behind the couch in his room and then laughed at himself, and bought back tea.
Said the founder to the Vorta, "the time has come to unleash the firepower of the awesome powered weapon of my toy spacecraft".
"Actually, Founder, there is no way to make your toy an actual warship you stupid little blob!” screamed the Vorta, losing it in what was one of the decade’s most amusing emotional breakdowns since the infamous case where Brunt realized he’s ugly.
The noted Breen historian turned fashion critic, Thot Mog, arrived and promptly burst into tears when confronted with Winn’s hat.
“I’m sorry, I really am” insisted Winn, “but Bajoran law means that I must wear odd hats unless I am dancing in the pale moonlight, as that situation requires a green wig instead, you understand”.
Thot Mog nodded bravely, and activated his jetpack, shooting up and smacking into the roof, so concluding the Breen fashion empire which lasted all of 17 posts.
Afterwards, Quark decided to join the Democratic party, which had been revived by copious amounts of liquor and assigned to the station oversight dealing with the increased threat presented by you, yes, YOU, and your EVIL and misbegotten ways.
Ashamed, Morn assumed he was to blame for all the weirdness so far, and he told Quark that he was behind it all even though he could not remember what exactly he had done.
“So it was you who caused all the confusing storylines that gave the network fits!” growled Odo, marching up to the bar stool and taking up a standard attack posture even though he clearly wasn’t an Egyptian.
“Whatever do you mean by this outrage?” said the Reman soldier standing beside Morn, finishing off his pint of real ale and suddenly realizing that he wasn’t spending his quatloos on Romulus as he ought. Morn didn’t see a problem with doing a runner to escape Odo, but the grumpy changeling had decided to take off the license to kill and put adhesive on Morn’s bar stool after dinner.
Morn suddenly said “I do believe that I am stuck here. Will somebody please inform the King of my unspeakably embarrassing predicament? I am simply unable to tolerate that feeling in the back of my thighs when stuck to a chair like this”.
Distraught over Morn’s plight, Dax launched a Federation-wide crusade for justice.
“Justice for Morn, and all the victims of Odo’s applied adhesive, such as the entire population of New Bajor”.
“So that’s why they all turned to the east” Quark exclaimed, polishing a glass.
Ghemor stood laughing until the cows came home.
“About time!”
Said the Prophets, “this thread offends us with its linear thinking and silly plot twists”
“Fine” said Sisko, “I will order Deranged Nasat and Thor Damar and company to develop a more rounded DS9 story, so mending their ways”.
“Include Vulcan Princess and JustKate” (who are equally guilty of creating this very strange story) was the cry. Here goes:
“Very well” muttered Thor Damar, “Once upon a time there was a young Cardassian named Zaklin Da’Harn. He wished to improve his already formidable intellect and so downloaded illegal brainteaser Five ways to a better you but with added genius by Skrain Dukat. Unfortunately, this piece of self-serving egotistical drivel didn’t have the desired effect on the Cardassian Empire. Lengthy, even by Cardassian standards, Dukat’s preening counterargument disgusted many. The Cardassian Union sentenced Dukat to the greatest hardship imaginable: listening to the Spice girls parody the works of Surak.
“This is not logical” Damar groaned, “no-one deserves this agony, not even that piece of bombastic, narcissistic, arrogant, selfish, capricious warmongering, vain, obnoxious and disturbed piece of noisome pond slime”.
Damar paused, deep in thought, before continuing “although, on further consideration there’s a silver lining. For I, Corat Damar, will write a better book. It will be the complete history of Cardassian folk music and will contain all the greatest hit albums of the past along with relevant history and insight into what the Cardassian Soul scene was all about”.
When Odo heard this, he nodded in approval and told Quark that he better order a thousand copies of Damar’s book as soon as they came off the press. Quark however was more interested in the price of the paper used to print the plans for the Cardassian ships that was apparently printed in sheepskin. But suddenly, a Tosk, whose rivalry to the industry was profound, argued that Damar’s grasp of historical factors influencing the glorious Cardassian Union was poor indeed. This outrageous claim merited a swift and decisive monologue about Damar’s firsthand knowledge of history, politics and the great, rich culture of Cardassia. Ashamed at his ignorance, Tosk returned to the Gamma Quadrant but promised that, one day, he would return with his elderly mother, and then there would be an overdue reckoning. Sisko scoffed at this threat:
“This tale is Damar’s”.
Odo arrested Tosk for detracting from the current story line. Damar smiled as Odo yodelled “un-bucketed into the Gamma Quadrant, that’s what it’s all about: Damar!”
“Thank you, Constable”, Damar said, making sure his greatness was appreciated.
Kira rolled her eyes at the manner in which the merchants on the promenade all picked a peck of pickled peppers without consulting Sisko on how to cook them without burning them. Damar reminded them that he was indeed the focus of the story and Kira retorted
“Hey, you’ll need me too, because who else can narfle the Garthok completely, and by doing so save us all from chaos?”
Damar said, “me, so there”.
Increasingly, it became obvious that Damar had taken complete control of the written word, leaving everyone else to go find some other form of expression. They were forced to settle for mime, which enraged Lord Vetinari and resulted in scorpions being domesticated for their friendly personalities. By far the finest mime in the known universe was Darth Vader, who impressed crowds with his lightsaber skills.
Damar nodded his head in a drunken stupor from all the kanar he had imbibed. He looked at the Gul and said, with squeezed lips,
“Have I ever told you that when it rains my war injuries hurt even more?”
“Yes” said the Gul, “many times, you drunken bastard!”
Damar said “my parents are married”.
“What does that have to do with the price of bloodworms on Regulus?” the Gul replied in a tired voice.
“I’ll tell you what, you bloody moron. It means that if I have to use a five iron to sort out this mess, then Bunny Jackson will claim the throne of Tonga and begin a reign of abject apathy that will slothfully outrage the most pleasant pheasant packaging peasants in paltry conditions not worthy of a Modern Major General”.
Even though this story has gotten weird, “we shall continue!” Damar roared.
“Damar shall be obeyed” confirmed all of Cardassia. Dukat wept bitterly at this turn of fate which had left him all dressed up with nowhere to go.
“Sequins are for evening, but when I wear purple with them, they look fabulous!”
“What a non-sequitur” Damar exclaimed
“I meant a purple hat” Dukat hedged, “a manly hat”
“I do not care for sequins, however “manly” Damar sniffed.
Last edited:
Just then, Broca crept into the skin of an albino and was immediately shot by Garak, who’s pretty good at that sort of thing. Then, everyone paused to reflect on this latest turn of events, only to find that a virtual thought application malfunctioning during a rather mundane reading of Damar’s prize winning instruction guide- which goes into great depth on how to make love to a drunken Trill on Sunday- resulted in a breakdown of chaste Trill/Cardassian relations, which led to a revival of Vulcan abstinence philosophies despite the new lingerie shop.
Quark was thusly infuriated by his lack of development so he stormed off to the next alternate universe, where everything is blue and purple, and by the Grace of Gint became the best he could possibly be in utilizing the surprising combination of guile and sheer bloody mindedness first developed by Grand Nagus Sugar in the early 22nd century.
“Finally, a new sentence!” exclaimed Damar, pleased to see that his infected tooth was gone after a successful operation by Dr. Bashir and his naked nurses, who were known as “The Isley Brothers” because of their tendency to break out into calypso music at the most unexpected times. When assisting Bashir, their soulful harmonies would ring through the infirmary, often causing the walls to get down to da funky while patients arose to break-dance most excellently.
Kira walked into the midst of one such frenetic scene and said, crushingly:
“You know that Andorians can’t get down, get funky! What do you mean by offending us all with your bad rhythm while Andorian nuns are trying to catch up?”
Just then, a mysterious stranger appeared. He left DS9 and played no role in this story.
Meanwhile, in the dark heart of the station, something terrible began to ooze wet slime. Its moist and sticky goo poured into the corridors, disturbing in its intent to swarm through the station and leave clones of the most vile people in history, including the inventor of the traffic warden and the first advertising executive, which alone was too terrible to contemplate. Worse: TV Reporters. At this horrific occurrence, crowds surged through the promenade, gesticulating wildly until Ghostbusters arrived to remove the beasts from the over used head rests above the security station on the left hand side.
“I feel compelled to let you know that all is NOT going as well as you predicted. Ooze has ruined my shoes and I will be averaged”.
“Who cares about your shoes?”
“I care, because I am persnickety. But Manly of course.”
“Dukat!” exclaimed the whole cast, “stop this obsession with ‘manly’”!
Dukat pouted magnificently and said “when you’re hot, you’re hot”.
Once uttered, the rest of the cast of this thread all belched with absolute joy!
“Well, that was weird” Damar remarked, as Ezri slid her knife into position and awaited the signal from her master, the great, the wise and above all the amazingly attractive, (with an extraordinary IQ), the master of mystery himself, Mr. Elim Garak, the only Cardassian who could archive the medium sperm count required to procreate successfully with a Trill. This ability made him a god amongst the male population of naked yelling Klingons, who saw this interstellar man of mystery as more than just a scaly face.
Worf approached Garak and told him with much glee that there was a female Andorian next-door waiting for the Second Coming of Kahless, who will return when the Blue Monkey of Shaganla finally finishes in the bathroom. The Andorian nun next-door, her purple habit floating ethereally, looked at Worf and said “I see the Blue Monkey!”
Worf smashed up the station because he needed some exercise and it was how he conversed with his Inner Interior Designer.
Gowron emerged from the bar and ran into Gul Damar, who proceeded to laugh his scales off at the silly little man with the bulging Vorta ears.
Odo saw this and said “I would have figured. Nothing normal happens here. Unless it’s a full moon, in which case, disturbingly, normality goes up a certain creek without any sort of paddle altogether”.
“Row, row, row your boat... in the Navy!” sang Leskit, playing the Random Song game, which Morn quite naturally won. Leskit’s devastating loss, however, triggered repercussions throughout the entire sector, leading to full-scale warfare!
“Unleash the punitive fleet of Cardassian comedians, and let slip the Slapstick Guls of war”. Central Command ordered thus, and Damar yelled “For Cardassia!”
The Cardassians outwitted the Klingons - no big surprise there, right?- and broke the back of the Klingon Kustard Pie Kartal. This victory won the Union the peace it truly deserved, and so say we all! As fireworks illuminated Cardassia’s cities, Damar smiled upon his happy family and newborn child!
“How lucky I am to see the ones I love most safe in the heart of my nation”.
The Blue Monkey smiled benevolently at his friends, even though he loathed fireworks. The bowels of the capital, by the Monkey’s grace, were clean and smelled of the strong musky scent that defined taste and refinement galaxy-wide.
As the rebuilding began, Gowron and the Andorian nuns meditated on the wisdom of a new colour scheme for the outer star systems of the Romulan Star Empire. They decided to hug an unruly Klingon and left Romulan interior design alone.
Just then, a terrible yet weirdly compelling Cardassian Vole bit a Ferengi- but didn’t enjoy the taste.
“I could have told him that neck ridges were delicious, but lobes? Not so much. Anyway, I was telling you about the Lissepian freighter’s engines, which lead me to this Borg cube, which is assimilating me as we speak!” the Bajoran shouted to the Cardassian.
“Who said that last quote?”
“I do believe it was the Ferengi that stole my soul” said the Cardassian.
Suddenly, a Galor-class vessel decloaked next to DS9 and its commander, Bullwinkle J. Moose, turned everyone there into Cardassians, which was a very good way to piss off Kira and raise the general IQ of Morn, who was eating his words concerning the effectiveness of isolinear rods in the cause of peace.
The question wasn’t apparent in the kanar distillery on Aderact Prime, which supplied all of Cardassia with enough kanar to drown a galaxy. But the Yamok sauce delivery was late, which resulted in human sacrifice... mass hysteria! This meant that there was a debilitating bland food epidemic caused by a rogue changeling whose mission was to ensure Vreenak’s discovery of the fake autographed photo of the great-grandfather of the Grand Nagus.
There was a brief sense of Klingon activity in the holosuite. Determined to investigate, Odo turned into a giant llama and waltzed down the promenade.
The Bajorans thought the Prophets would interrupt the story again, but instead it was Morn, with a terrible case of Andorian shingles. He tried to ease the pain, but instead made things worse by applying gasoline- and combusted.
Tekeny Ghemor somehow returned from the dead, in an act of blasphemy- because he forgot to tell Kai Winn that he was arriving. All forgave, when he flattered Garak shamelessly and turned to show him the door.
“Yes it’s a door” said Garak, “I’ve seen many in my time”.
Ghemor frowned disapprovingly. Go to the other universe and you will see why. Dimly lit on the edge, there you shall find a small universe itself being quaffed by Morn’s ghost. Ghemor drowned himself in Yamok sauce in order to return, confronting Damar with this evidence. He began to time the sequences that would unleash the awesome power of the dead, causing peanut hacks of realities that resurrected Morn but instead killed the next Trek TV series.
The Andorian nuns prayed, hoping the fifty-five dimensional speed limit wasn’t breached, but Gul Jassad ordered seven brain-freezes straight-up while Thor Damar tried to understand how unitized thoughts are important.
But the Bajorans wanted to return to the Ghemor-Garak door showing event where everyone was alive and no brain-freezes were being consumed so imprudently. And yet, still inspired to holosuite antics, the Klingons partied like it was 2399. They suddenly realized they were Cardassians! Because of this, Central Command considered the Klingon infiltration plot an annoying distraction that would not yield anything useful anyway.
Opening the mind of God was Bashir’s ultimate goal, but first he had to drink synthehol to make it possible.
“Quark!” Bashir exclaimed “just keep your hands to yourself, I’m not interested”.
Tekeny deported Garak, falling right into his trap. But traps can’t hold immortals.
“I’m non-corporeal now, dumbass!” Ghemor taunted Garak, “when I choose”.
Garak decided that a different coloured bra was now needed to stun Ghemor and allow his ultimate victory over the annoying dead. Odo the llama (no relation to Odo the pretending-to-be-a-llama) led a rousing chorus of hymns aimed at banishing Ghemor’s spirit to its final rest, and they were ultimately successful.
“Well that was odd” said Morn, “I combusted, died and still have these <CENSORED> shingles! Do something, Dr. Bashir!”
Bashir poured a synthehol libation to once again talk with God, who spake unto him thusly; “Thou must find My guide, the most holy and divine, Roger Jones of Slough”. Bashir didn’t want to go to Slough due to a large rash, and so Odo the llama decided to remove his clothes.
“Bad llama! Bad llama!” shrieked Keiko, “think of the children!”
Thoroughly chastised, Odo the llama kicked Quark where it hurt instead.
“Fine, I’ll go” said the poor victimized businessman who feared further llama-related violence.
Rom shook his head. “No, he said, “this madness must be contained. To contaminate Slough we must use the latinum!”
Beaming down to Slough, Quark decided his latinum was too visible: he might be mugged. But then, a Cardassian Gul said “I’m Roger Jones”. Success!
“Roger is a Cardassian name?”
“You question God’s will, child?” said Winn, who was sent to ensure that Quark completed the destruction of hated Slough and thus helped fulfil the will of God.
“How did it come to this?” cried the audience, who knew not of Slough, and then Rick-rolled Winn, which did, and always will, confuse the Cardassian Central Command but would not stop them from worshipping a Garak plushie.
“Ahem” said God, “Right here?”
“Yeah” said the Devil, “who has the latinum?”
Quark frowned, trying to work out how they proceeded with helping Morn in his quest to find answers. In the end they gave him a copy of Damar’s “Guide to Life”, which solved the problem and brought this “Jem’Hadar love slave” holosuite program simulation to a happy end.
"Does this mean we're done?" asked Vulcan Princess.
"No we have much to do. The spice must flow, after that, a man must cut the cheese -- it's only natural."
At that moment, Ezri screamed, "What are you all doing?!"
"Making a stream of consciousness less coherent than any before," said Nog. "Jumja sticks, anyone? Coherency is overrated," he added.
In light of this, everyone decided it was high time to descend to the depths of silly weird crazy randomness. Like normal, in other words. Just then Thot Mog crashed through a wall, re-entering the thread to widespread applause. He bowed graciously, then trotted briskly in the opposite direction of logic and common sense. Damar, also trotting briskly, followed him even though he knew birds would soon follow them both. Such was the way of this story. Once the birds saw Hitchcock's The Birds, they sued for wrongful interpenetration, hiring Rev.Al sharpton as their lawyer.
The Cardassians had to laugh and in their laughter, they discovered the meaning of life and they they cried, softly. This moved the whole Galaxy in ways that could not possibly be described here unfortunately. “But let's try anyway, OK?” said the narrator (who had achieved sentience).
To begin with, dark matter (the base element of the Horopi tribe, found in remote jungle locations never visited by Wal-Mart or Tesco executives) o-o-o-o-o-zed puissance from their very pores. Suddenly, shoes made of salt rubbed into open wounds that eliminated the puissance tout suite old chum, and therefore created one helluva crawfish pie for the Sisko family reunion, began the end of whirled peas, which resulted in the ulster migration to Seti Alpha 6.
The Paiseyaite Empire expanded far beyond the not too distant Big Rock Candy Mountain, causing much stomach ache for the Cardassian vole population living there who rose up and slew the local veterinarian because of every last Quidditch player in lackluster performance in real terms. "Whoever heard of a snozzberry?" the now-sentient voles asked.
Palpatine, who was miffed at being left out until now - and who could blame him? - turned up at the station and commenced to start fightin'. He shot force lighting at Sisko who used the awesome power of Karate to deflect the slings and arrows of outraged Sith. This was a result of some weird anomaly, (namely the imaginations of Walt Disney and Stephen King who, in their dark dreaminess teamed up to plunge the whole of existence into a terrible dither.) There was much ado about nothing, even though it certainly seemed otherwise.
Sisko, weary of this strange story, said "I must now leave you, for things have gotten too abstract. Thinking back to when this story began, I never saw blue bunnies run so fast, or got that lettuce into the shoes of Worf and called him 'Salad Toes'".
Suddenly, the Jem'Hadar attacked! And lettuce flew simply everywhere causing a blue bunny stampede causing much mayhem, and screaming. "Screaming isn't manly," said Dukat, "even though purple certainly is and I rock purple like I rocked your mom last decade. I miss your mom."
"My mom does not bathe." Morn asserted. "She licks herself on- ARGHH!"
Jem'Hadar shot him. The considered opinion of all was that this prevented a global atrocity of unparalleled awfulness. For imagine the consequences had Dukat actually worn the purple hat in defiance of Morn's evil talent as a mime artist molester. Indeed, the very idea shocked all, save Vetinari who was busy scrubbing Kira's script for her play. He said, "Your rubber targ leaves a rather pleasing effect on the whole."
Smiling, he fell upon his paperwork and waited for death. In the skies, Death looked down and said, "Give me my records back!"
"You're not Death, you don't sound right.”
"What if I were to eat A JOVIAN ANTEATER?" Death asked Vetinari.
"And my left hand?" Garak [ed. asked, perhaps. There was no verb here.]
"Why not, my good friend?" Vetinari said, smiling at his equal.
Quark was thusly infuriated by his lack of development so he stormed off to the next alternate universe, where everything is blue and purple, and by the Grace of Gint became the best he could possibly be in utilizing the surprising combination of guile and sheer bloody mindedness first developed by Grand Nagus Sugar in the early 22nd century.
“Finally, a new sentence!” exclaimed Damar, pleased to see that his infected tooth was gone after a successful operation by Dr. Bashir and his naked nurses, who were known as “The Isley Brothers” because of their tendency to break out into calypso music at the most unexpected times. When assisting Bashir, their soulful harmonies would ring through the infirmary, often causing the walls to get down to da funky while patients arose to break-dance most excellently.
Kira walked into the midst of one such frenetic scene and said, crushingly:
“You know that Andorians can’t get down, get funky! What do you mean by offending us all with your bad rhythm while Andorian nuns are trying to catch up?”
Just then, a mysterious stranger appeared. He left DS9 and played no role in this story.
Meanwhile, in the dark heart of the station, something terrible began to ooze wet slime. Its moist and sticky goo poured into the corridors, disturbing in its intent to swarm through the station and leave clones of the most vile people in history, including the inventor of the traffic warden and the first advertising executive, which alone was too terrible to contemplate. Worse: TV Reporters. At this horrific occurrence, crowds surged through the promenade, gesticulating wildly until Ghostbusters arrived to remove the beasts from the over used head rests above the security station on the left hand side.
“I feel compelled to let you know that all is NOT going as well as you predicted. Ooze has ruined my shoes and I will be averaged”.
“Who cares about your shoes?”
“I care, because I am persnickety. But Manly of course.”
“Dukat!” exclaimed the whole cast, “stop this obsession with ‘manly’”!
Dukat pouted magnificently and said “when you’re hot, you’re hot”.
Once uttered, the rest of the cast of this thread all belched with absolute joy!
“Well, that was weird” Damar remarked, as Ezri slid her knife into position and awaited the signal from her master, the great, the wise and above all the amazingly attractive, (with an extraordinary IQ), the master of mystery himself, Mr. Elim Garak, the only Cardassian who could archive the medium sperm count required to procreate successfully with a Trill. This ability made him a god amongst the male population of naked yelling Klingons, who saw this interstellar man of mystery as more than just a scaly face.
Worf approached Garak and told him with much glee that there was a female Andorian next-door waiting for the Second Coming of Kahless, who will return when the Blue Monkey of Shaganla finally finishes in the bathroom. The Andorian nun next-door, her purple habit floating ethereally, looked at Worf and said “I see the Blue Monkey!”
Worf smashed up the station because he needed some exercise and it was how he conversed with his Inner Interior Designer.
Gowron emerged from the bar and ran into Gul Damar, who proceeded to laugh his scales off at the silly little man with the bulging Vorta ears.
Odo saw this and said “I would have figured. Nothing normal happens here. Unless it’s a full moon, in which case, disturbingly, normality goes up a certain creek without any sort of paddle altogether”.
“Row, row, row your boat... in the Navy!” sang Leskit, playing the Random Song game, which Morn quite naturally won. Leskit’s devastating loss, however, triggered repercussions throughout the entire sector, leading to full-scale warfare!
“Unleash the punitive fleet of Cardassian comedians, and let slip the Slapstick Guls of war”. Central Command ordered thus, and Damar yelled “For Cardassia!”
The Cardassians outwitted the Klingons - no big surprise there, right?- and broke the back of the Klingon Kustard Pie Kartal. This victory won the Union the peace it truly deserved, and so say we all! As fireworks illuminated Cardassia’s cities, Damar smiled upon his happy family and newborn child!
“How lucky I am to see the ones I love most safe in the heart of my nation”.
The Blue Monkey smiled benevolently at his friends, even though he loathed fireworks. The bowels of the capital, by the Monkey’s grace, were clean and smelled of the strong musky scent that defined taste and refinement galaxy-wide.
As the rebuilding began, Gowron and the Andorian nuns meditated on the wisdom of a new colour scheme for the outer star systems of the Romulan Star Empire. They decided to hug an unruly Klingon and left Romulan interior design alone.
Just then, a terrible yet weirdly compelling Cardassian Vole bit a Ferengi- but didn’t enjoy the taste.
“I could have told him that neck ridges were delicious, but lobes? Not so much. Anyway, I was telling you about the Lissepian freighter’s engines, which lead me to this Borg cube, which is assimilating me as we speak!” the Bajoran shouted to the Cardassian.
“Who said that last quote?”
“I do believe it was the Ferengi that stole my soul” said the Cardassian.
Suddenly, a Galor-class vessel decloaked next to DS9 and its commander, Bullwinkle J. Moose, turned everyone there into Cardassians, which was a very good way to piss off Kira and raise the general IQ of Morn, who was eating his words concerning the effectiveness of isolinear rods in the cause of peace.
The question wasn’t apparent in the kanar distillery on Aderact Prime, which supplied all of Cardassia with enough kanar to drown a galaxy. But the Yamok sauce delivery was late, which resulted in human sacrifice... mass hysteria! This meant that there was a debilitating bland food epidemic caused by a rogue changeling whose mission was to ensure Vreenak’s discovery of the fake autographed photo of the great-grandfather of the Grand Nagus.
There was a brief sense of Klingon activity in the holosuite. Determined to investigate, Odo turned into a giant llama and waltzed down the promenade.
The Bajorans thought the Prophets would interrupt the story again, but instead it was Morn, with a terrible case of Andorian shingles. He tried to ease the pain, but instead made things worse by applying gasoline- and combusted.
Tekeny Ghemor somehow returned from the dead, in an act of blasphemy- because he forgot to tell Kai Winn that he was arriving. All forgave, when he flattered Garak shamelessly and turned to show him the door.
“Yes it’s a door” said Garak, “I’ve seen many in my time”.
Ghemor frowned disapprovingly. Go to the other universe and you will see why. Dimly lit on the edge, there you shall find a small universe itself being quaffed by Morn’s ghost. Ghemor drowned himself in Yamok sauce in order to return, confronting Damar with this evidence. He began to time the sequences that would unleash the awesome power of the dead, causing peanut hacks of realities that resurrected Morn but instead killed the next Trek TV series.
The Andorian nuns prayed, hoping the fifty-five dimensional speed limit wasn’t breached, but Gul Jassad ordered seven brain-freezes straight-up while Thor Damar tried to understand how unitized thoughts are important.
But the Bajorans wanted to return to the Ghemor-Garak door showing event where everyone was alive and no brain-freezes were being consumed so imprudently. And yet, still inspired to holosuite antics, the Klingons partied like it was 2399. They suddenly realized they were Cardassians! Because of this, Central Command considered the Klingon infiltration plot an annoying distraction that would not yield anything useful anyway.
Opening the mind of God was Bashir’s ultimate goal, but first he had to drink synthehol to make it possible.
“Quark!” Bashir exclaimed “just keep your hands to yourself, I’m not interested”.
Tekeny deported Garak, falling right into his trap. But traps can’t hold immortals.
“I’m non-corporeal now, dumbass!” Ghemor taunted Garak, “when I choose”.
Garak decided that a different coloured bra was now needed to stun Ghemor and allow his ultimate victory over the annoying dead. Odo the llama (no relation to Odo the pretending-to-be-a-llama) led a rousing chorus of hymns aimed at banishing Ghemor’s spirit to its final rest, and they were ultimately successful.
“Well that was odd” said Morn, “I combusted, died and still have these <CENSORED> shingles! Do something, Dr. Bashir!”
Bashir poured a synthehol libation to once again talk with God, who spake unto him thusly; “Thou must find My guide, the most holy and divine, Roger Jones of Slough”. Bashir didn’t want to go to Slough due to a large rash, and so Odo the llama decided to remove his clothes.
“Bad llama! Bad llama!” shrieked Keiko, “think of the children!”
Thoroughly chastised, Odo the llama kicked Quark where it hurt instead.
“Fine, I’ll go” said the poor victimized businessman who feared further llama-related violence.
Rom shook his head. “No, he said, “this madness must be contained. To contaminate Slough we must use the latinum!”
Beaming down to Slough, Quark decided his latinum was too visible: he might be mugged. But then, a Cardassian Gul said “I’m Roger Jones”. Success!
“Roger is a Cardassian name?”
“You question God’s will, child?” said Winn, who was sent to ensure that Quark completed the destruction of hated Slough and thus helped fulfil the will of God.
“How did it come to this?” cried the audience, who knew not of Slough, and then Rick-rolled Winn, which did, and always will, confuse the Cardassian Central Command but would not stop them from worshipping a Garak plushie.
“Ahem” said God, “Right here?”
“Yeah” said the Devil, “who has the latinum?”
Quark frowned, trying to work out how they proceeded with helping Morn in his quest to find answers. In the end they gave him a copy of Damar’s “Guide to Life”, which solved the problem and brought this “Jem’Hadar love slave” holosuite program simulation to a happy end.
"Does this mean we're done?" asked Vulcan Princess.
"No we have much to do. The spice must flow, after that, a man must cut the cheese -- it's only natural."
At that moment, Ezri screamed, "What are you all doing?!"
"Making a stream of consciousness less coherent than any before," said Nog. "Jumja sticks, anyone? Coherency is overrated," he added.
In light of this, everyone decided it was high time to descend to the depths of silly weird crazy randomness. Like normal, in other words. Just then Thot Mog crashed through a wall, re-entering the thread to widespread applause. He bowed graciously, then trotted briskly in the opposite direction of logic and common sense. Damar, also trotting briskly, followed him even though he knew birds would soon follow them both. Such was the way of this story. Once the birds saw Hitchcock's The Birds, they sued for wrongful interpenetration, hiring Rev.Al sharpton as their lawyer.
The Cardassians had to laugh and in their laughter, they discovered the meaning of life and they they cried, softly. This moved the whole Galaxy in ways that could not possibly be described here unfortunately. “But let's try anyway, OK?” said the narrator (who had achieved sentience).
To begin with, dark matter (the base element of the Horopi tribe, found in remote jungle locations never visited by Wal-Mart or Tesco executives) o-o-o-o-o-zed puissance from their very pores. Suddenly, shoes made of salt rubbed into open wounds that eliminated the puissance tout suite old chum, and therefore created one helluva crawfish pie for the Sisko family reunion, began the end of whirled peas, which resulted in the ulster migration to Seti Alpha 6.
The Paiseyaite Empire expanded far beyond the not too distant Big Rock Candy Mountain, causing much stomach ache for the Cardassian vole population living there who rose up and slew the local veterinarian because of every last Quidditch player in lackluster performance in real terms. "Whoever heard of a snozzberry?" the now-sentient voles asked.
Palpatine, who was miffed at being left out until now - and who could blame him? - turned up at the station and commenced to start fightin'. He shot force lighting at Sisko who used the awesome power of Karate to deflect the slings and arrows of outraged Sith. This was a result of some weird anomaly, (namely the imaginations of Walt Disney and Stephen King who, in their dark dreaminess teamed up to plunge the whole of existence into a terrible dither.) There was much ado about nothing, even though it certainly seemed otherwise.
Sisko, weary of this strange story, said "I must now leave you, for things have gotten too abstract. Thinking back to when this story began, I never saw blue bunnies run so fast, or got that lettuce into the shoes of Worf and called him 'Salad Toes'".
Suddenly, the Jem'Hadar attacked! And lettuce flew simply everywhere causing a blue bunny stampede causing much mayhem, and screaming. "Screaming isn't manly," said Dukat, "even though purple certainly is and I rock purple like I rocked your mom last decade. I miss your mom."
"My mom does not bathe." Morn asserted. "She licks herself on- ARGHH!"
Jem'Hadar shot him. The considered opinion of all was that this prevented a global atrocity of unparalleled awfulness. For imagine the consequences had Dukat actually worn the purple hat in defiance of Morn's evil talent as a mime artist molester. Indeed, the very idea shocked all, save Vetinari who was busy scrubbing Kira's script for her play. He said, "Your rubber targ leaves a rather pleasing effect on the whole."
Smiling, he fell upon his paperwork and waited for death. In the skies, Death looked down and said, "Give me my records back!"
"You're not Death, you don't sound right.”
"What if I were to eat A JOVIAN ANTEATER?" Death asked Vetinari.
"And my left hand?" Garak [ed. asked, perhaps. There was no verb here.]
"Why not, my good friend?" Vetinari said, smiling at his equal.
Q appeared in a flash sports car, which screeched to Cardassia Prime, where the Waffles of Unparalleled Delight neared completion. Construction, alas, was halted by strike action undertaken by disgruntled waffle-maker makers, who insisted their work was unethical. Instead, they wanted to create a way to harvest beans without having to do any work-related accident paperwork for the Noodle Incident. Therefore, they reluctantly scribbled four numbers and four letters on a piece of Morn's shirt, which he obviously had not washed in years.
"Eeeeeuuuuuuwwww!" shrieked all the characters.
Meanwhile, Chief O'Brien tenderly said: "quit your bloody whining you feckers!"
"Language, Miles," Keiko sniffed primly.
Miles held her close and then at arm's length, saying, "Sorry... this is my exercise for my triceps. What do you want now... sweetheart?"
"I want you to clean my good friend Morn's shirt".
"Damn".
"But it can go in your washing machine" said Morn.
"Bollocks!" said Miles, heaving his suitcase out the door. "Goodbye!"
"MILES! You come back and play darts with me!" Bashir screamed from his bedroom, sweating as he did.
With deep regret, he pulled a bunch of darts from his bag - the Evil Darts of Doom! These foul and unhallowed devices were usually reserved for the all-AQ darts tournament, but Bashir cried, "To hell with the tournament! Let's play now."
"Why play," Dax said, "when you can work instead? Let's reroute the isolated sections of icing off Keiko's birthday cake and use them to power this miniature giant space hamster!"
"What hamster?" gasped an exasperated Gul Rusot who had got into the kanar when nobody gave a flying vole about the exchange rate of latinum versus self-sealing stem bolts on Rickor Prime.
The leader of the miniature giant space hamsters, Thot Mog, (he gets around) arrived. Shockingly, this meant that there was a crisis in the cedar shavings processing facility on Betazed, where a Jem'Hadar design team had set up. "It's too splintery!" screamed Thot Mog waving his arms about, "You stupid Jem'Hadar and your backwards Partridge Family ways are acceptable in red states, but here in the UK we demand you repent and instead drink some tea!"
This was unacceptable, considering the color of the water on the shoals of Bajoran Tea-fish. Thot Mog, determined to make tea chic, ate three frogs that were summoned by the Kosst Amojan and was violently sick. Dukat wept. Suddenly, as if by chance, a large smile came on Kai Winn's suspicious face as she opened her mouth; out fell an isolinear rod. "You weren't supposed to eat them," Kira exclaimed. "Dukat was!"
"I don't put rods in my mouth... it's too suggestive," Dukat added, "and some people would love to smack it."
"I would," Kira nodded knowingly.
Dax could only roll her marbles across the floor, as saliva from Morn's mouth dripped onto the isolinear rod, causing everyone on board to scream. "Brain Lysol?" Quark offered to provide oo-mox to every female Jem'Hadar, but forgot there weren't any, the bloody fool. However being picky isn't Quark's shtick unless 90,000 voles were involved.
"Hmm, I think that you're not considering my raw feelings." said Gul Rugat III. "I feel a song coming on. FeeeeeEEEeeelings, nothing more than, feeeelings. Trying to hold on to the feelings of love."
Garak rested his feet while being massaged by the aforementioned voles. He said, "Tee-hee! That tickles! Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER tell the wife!"
Just then, Julian said, "You're married?! When did that plot complication occur?”
"I'm not sure when, but these guys have been busy playing the banjo. Do you think that any of this actually advances the story's plot?”
"There is a plot?!” said the befuddled Dr. Bashir. "Since when?”
The Narrator interrupted the thread to go to the toilet. "Damn that annoyingly sentient narrator!" Spoke the entire cast(and the posters too...)
"Same to you," the narrator said, in-between mouthfuls of Damar's vintage 2047 fine Kanar.
"PUT THE KANAR DOWN!" roared the narrator's boss. "Get back to ordering this story and quit being a prima donna!”
"That's my job," huffed Dukat.
Damar looked at the city from a Kanar induced haze he endured with toothpicks, crying "oh woe is me, the Cardassian not getting vole massage, where's my waffles?"
Minutes later, a large, and very smelly, bar patron asked for a root beer, causing Quark to shudder at the cloying bubbliness. But suddenly, the bubbles...swelled and turned into Enabran Tain!
"Hey, if Ghemor can return with a breast operation, why can't I dance?" And he, the smelly bar patron, got Bashir to undress in front of everyone in Quark's with Garak drooling on his massive sense of self-preservation which was second to none. The isolinear rod exploded on the second hour of the second day of the second month of the second year, as reckoned by Jake's "Dabo Girls Know Best" mystic nude calendar.
"Gotta be something more accurate than this questionable product" Jake stated. "On the other hand... I wear a glove made bitter and cynical by too many purple sequins. Alas! Alas!”
Odo folded his arms, and did a little jig for his Celtic dancing class, then decided it might be a mistake, because the exertion caused Rom to go flying through his Academy exams, acing the Engineering portion, making O'Brien say, "I love the lips!"
And Bashir respond with, "I know."
The price of outlandish wigs made Quark reconsider the offer of gainful employment on the space station of DOOM. Rugal, the aforementioned Gul, walked up to kiss the Cardassian vole, which looked at him most seductively. "Take me to the restaurant at the end of Armstrong Park on Earth."
Eventually, the great war to end the Klingon opera singer's song would end, but not before the fat vole sang "Thriller". But suddenly, the wormhole opened, and a large, green colored jellybean floated through on a puffy blue cloud made of bubble-gum scented butterly wings.
Sisko said, "What the hell? Looks delish! Can we harvest their wings to create a giant waffle to send to Dax's miniature giant space hamster?"
The very mention of the hamster sent Mourn into apoplexy, and Bashir had to call his mother. "Mother, do something!"
"Grow up," she suggested kindly, wrapping her legs around his long forgotten, but otherwise nice antique Edwardian chest, while scribbling down the collected works of Douglas Adams and Anthony Trollope. Garak reacted with great excitement to this latest development. Then, from the depths of Bajor came yet another ancient prophecy, this one predicting deep hurting of the vulnerable parts of Dukat's ego (all of them).
"Hey," Dukat said "I find my ego to be invulnerable to all forms of attack!"
"Your taste in hats stinks"
"Yes, but my ability to balance style and masculine appeal makes me the greatest Cardassian of all".
"Ahem?" said Damar, quite rightly, for he was legendary on this thread. His greatness was undisputed by all and furthermore his presence graced and honoured all those who basked under his disciplined but radiant sun. For who could not admire Damar even though his fingers were suffering from arthritis? Indeed, he would often eat the skin of his banana, because that's where he thought the vitamins were mainly located (Cardassian fruits are slippery when wet) and once again our story grows stranger by the day.
Then, the unimaginable occurred: the Prophets began to grasp linear time!
“I knew they couldn’t be trusted to speak truthfully when asked about that” Sisko stated.
“Blasphemy!” Winn struck him down with a beautiful left hook, leaving Molly O’Brien in charge. Her first order was to invade the domain of the Crab People! To which, everyone in sight of her said, “yes, Ma’am!”
"Eeeeeuuuuuuwwww!" shrieked all the characters.
Meanwhile, Chief O'Brien tenderly said: "quit your bloody whining you feckers!"
"Language, Miles," Keiko sniffed primly.
Miles held her close and then at arm's length, saying, "Sorry... this is my exercise for my triceps. What do you want now... sweetheart?"
"I want you to clean my good friend Morn's shirt".
"Damn".
"But it can go in your washing machine" said Morn.
"Bollocks!" said Miles, heaving his suitcase out the door. "Goodbye!"
"MILES! You come back and play darts with me!" Bashir screamed from his bedroom, sweating as he did.
With deep regret, he pulled a bunch of darts from his bag - the Evil Darts of Doom! These foul and unhallowed devices were usually reserved for the all-AQ darts tournament, but Bashir cried, "To hell with the tournament! Let's play now."
"Why play," Dax said, "when you can work instead? Let's reroute the isolated sections of icing off Keiko's birthday cake and use them to power this miniature giant space hamster!"
"What hamster?" gasped an exasperated Gul Rusot who had got into the kanar when nobody gave a flying vole about the exchange rate of latinum versus self-sealing stem bolts on Rickor Prime.
The leader of the miniature giant space hamsters, Thot Mog, (he gets around) arrived. Shockingly, this meant that there was a crisis in the cedar shavings processing facility on Betazed, where a Jem'Hadar design team had set up. "It's too splintery!" screamed Thot Mog waving his arms about, "You stupid Jem'Hadar and your backwards Partridge Family ways are acceptable in red states, but here in the UK we demand you repent and instead drink some tea!"
This was unacceptable, considering the color of the water on the shoals of Bajoran Tea-fish. Thot Mog, determined to make tea chic, ate three frogs that were summoned by the Kosst Amojan and was violently sick. Dukat wept. Suddenly, as if by chance, a large smile came on Kai Winn's suspicious face as she opened her mouth; out fell an isolinear rod. "You weren't supposed to eat them," Kira exclaimed. "Dukat was!"
"I don't put rods in my mouth... it's too suggestive," Dukat added, "and some people would love to smack it."
"I would," Kira nodded knowingly.
Dax could only roll her marbles across the floor, as saliva from Morn's mouth dripped onto the isolinear rod, causing everyone on board to scream. "Brain Lysol?" Quark offered to provide oo-mox to every female Jem'Hadar, but forgot there weren't any, the bloody fool. However being picky isn't Quark's shtick unless 90,000 voles were involved.
"Hmm, I think that you're not considering my raw feelings." said Gul Rugat III. "I feel a song coming on. FeeeeeEEEeeelings, nothing more than, feeeelings. Trying to hold on to the feelings of love."
Garak rested his feet while being massaged by the aforementioned voles. He said, "Tee-hee! That tickles! Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER tell the wife!"
Just then, Julian said, "You're married?! When did that plot complication occur?”
"I'm not sure when, but these guys have been busy playing the banjo. Do you think that any of this actually advances the story's plot?”
"There is a plot?!” said the befuddled Dr. Bashir. "Since when?”
The Narrator interrupted the thread to go to the toilet. "Damn that annoyingly sentient narrator!" Spoke the entire cast(and the posters too...)
"Same to you," the narrator said, in-between mouthfuls of Damar's vintage 2047 fine Kanar.
"PUT THE KANAR DOWN!" roared the narrator's boss. "Get back to ordering this story and quit being a prima donna!”
"That's my job," huffed Dukat.
Damar looked at the city from a Kanar induced haze he endured with toothpicks, crying "oh woe is me, the Cardassian not getting vole massage, where's my waffles?"
Minutes later, a large, and very smelly, bar patron asked for a root beer, causing Quark to shudder at the cloying bubbliness. But suddenly, the bubbles...swelled and turned into Enabran Tain!
"Hey, if Ghemor can return with a breast operation, why can't I dance?" And he, the smelly bar patron, got Bashir to undress in front of everyone in Quark's with Garak drooling on his massive sense of self-preservation which was second to none. The isolinear rod exploded on the second hour of the second day of the second month of the second year, as reckoned by Jake's "Dabo Girls Know Best" mystic nude calendar.
"Gotta be something more accurate than this questionable product" Jake stated. "On the other hand... I wear a glove made bitter and cynical by too many purple sequins. Alas! Alas!”
Odo folded his arms, and did a little jig for his Celtic dancing class, then decided it might be a mistake, because the exertion caused Rom to go flying through his Academy exams, acing the Engineering portion, making O'Brien say, "I love the lips!"
And Bashir respond with, "I know."
The price of outlandish wigs made Quark reconsider the offer of gainful employment on the space station of DOOM. Rugal, the aforementioned Gul, walked up to kiss the Cardassian vole, which looked at him most seductively. "Take me to the restaurant at the end of Armstrong Park on Earth."
Eventually, the great war to end the Klingon opera singer's song would end, but not before the fat vole sang "Thriller". But suddenly, the wormhole opened, and a large, green colored jellybean floated through on a puffy blue cloud made of bubble-gum scented butterly wings.
Sisko said, "What the hell? Looks delish! Can we harvest their wings to create a giant waffle to send to Dax's miniature giant space hamster?"
The very mention of the hamster sent Mourn into apoplexy, and Bashir had to call his mother. "Mother, do something!"
"Grow up," she suggested kindly, wrapping her legs around his long forgotten, but otherwise nice antique Edwardian chest, while scribbling down the collected works of Douglas Adams and Anthony Trollope. Garak reacted with great excitement to this latest development. Then, from the depths of Bajor came yet another ancient prophecy, this one predicting deep hurting of the vulnerable parts of Dukat's ego (all of them).
"Hey," Dukat said "I find my ego to be invulnerable to all forms of attack!"
"Your taste in hats stinks"
"Yes, but my ability to balance style and masculine appeal makes me the greatest Cardassian of all".
"Ahem?" said Damar, quite rightly, for he was legendary on this thread. His greatness was undisputed by all and furthermore his presence graced and honoured all those who basked under his disciplined but radiant sun. For who could not admire Damar even though his fingers were suffering from arthritis? Indeed, he would often eat the skin of his banana, because that's where he thought the vitamins were mainly located (Cardassian fruits are slippery when wet) and once again our story grows stranger by the day.
Then, the unimaginable occurred: the Prophets began to grasp linear time!
“I knew they couldn’t be trusted to speak truthfully when asked about that” Sisko stated.
“Blasphemy!” Winn struck him down with a beautiful left hook, leaving Molly O’Brien in charge. Her first order was to invade the domain of the Crab People! To which, everyone in sight of her said, “yes, Ma’am!”
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Suddenly, there was a strange yet somehow familiar melody drifting, feeling in the pit of the station, and it somehow reminded Damar of banana peels. He laughed joyfully and rushed straight into Garak’s arms, crying “WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY PANTS?”
“Just a nip and tuck”
“BULL! You stuffed them with a potato... in the BACK”
“A potato? No, sir, it was a banana. I’ve heard that they’re quite similar, though”. Garak smiled beautifically: “I believe the circle of life is easily the best song in The Lion King Part 26”.
Kira ran screaming into the Cardassian warship, confessing to Dukat that she had always despised not having neck ridges, and enjoying the fine taste of kanar- and promptly kissed him. Dukat filmed it all and uploaded into the past, where legions of Niners rose up and shouted, “That defies canon!”, and logged onto YouTube, promptly destroying it.
Dukat broke the fourth wall, which had already been broken the moment the tree fell. He sought out the actor who portrayed him, and found Barry Manilow had. Dukat was somewhat confused by “Copacabana” and had always wondered what on Earth had possessed Manilow to keep his nose.
At this point we should like to invite viewers to write in with our complaints but since the Move Along Home incident we have become far too nice. At this very moment, we are working on a time machine powered by wiped out executive stress toys, and promoted using a very, very naked Morn -<at this point the story is dictated by the Klingon warrior Belch’k and goes thusly into Damar’s kanar stores>:
Jake wanted to kiss Ezri, but she was kissing Bashir already. Someone revived Jadzia, causing the Dax symbiont no amount of comfort but instead endless confusion. No one knew why, but the Symbiosis Commission, in its horror, found that many brains of deceased hosts were regenerating, and each new generation caused a tiny crack in the foundation of the SC institute.
“We need gobstoppers” Winn said, “they’re the only things that change colour when you eat the green belly slime of tube worms”.
Quark frowned and said “I’m sorry, we do not allow your kind to reproduce. Please step along outside of my establishment”.
Winn said as she started to leave, “The Prophets will judge you for this...my child”
Molly huffed “I hate when that weird hat lady comes with her Sydney Opera House Headdress. Can’t we just throw her into the Fire caves with those Pah...Pah...ghost things?”
“Absolutely not!” Keiko said insistently, “I had a baaaaad experience with Dukat, and I don’t want Molly to find out”.
“You’re talking to Molly” Molly from the mirror universe said, “now leave me to my strange and unhallowed ways”.
Winn strutted off, holding a jumja stick, sulking because she hadn’t amused Gul Jasad.
The wormhole said, “Feed me, for I contain 42, the answer to “what is six times seven?””
Angered further, Gul Jasad spat hot sexy venom at the entire universe, but especially at Keiko, who wished she had gone to the toilet before she shat in her pants again.
“I’ll clean it up, lest Gul Jasad glare disapprovingly at my breasts” sulked Chief Crazy Horse, now female.
“What?” asked Miles, “who is that?”
Jasad answered, “your mom, after all, would never have approved”.
Then, Jasad suddenly belched, causing Crazy Horse to summon his space cucumber of ultimate doom and a tomato, for salad.
“Crazy Horse is male again?” asked Miles, “I’m going crazy, but not too crazy. Perhaps”.
Odo sighed, and left for the nearest airlock, fed up with all the innuendo coming from the insane story writers. After running into Quark, Odo realized that he couldn’t leave, for he was not kosher, and his shoes were yellow. He changed his shoes to green instantly- shapeshifter, easy- and his hands became matzo balls in the blink of an Andorian omelette. Quark poked him and poked him and poked until he farted on Quark’s ego, which reduced him to a clump of fig newtons.
Subcommander Taris laughed at what the monitor was showing: a rerun of that classic Simpsons run for 85 yards. It did not excuse his crime against the Bajoran orphanage, however, or explain the tilt of his hat (which was not purple!) when placed on Jadzia Dax’s boobs.
Vreenak declared, “its a Faaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaa-kkkk-eeeeee!” at which point the meme died.
O’Brien then ordered “pretty cake, with a side order of ugly tea”.
“Tea isn’t ugly” Kai Winn exclaimed, thus winning an OBE, “it’s cooked by the book”.
“What if my scarf doesn’t fit my neck?” Dukat mused.
Meanwhile, the clock was ticking down on the mere motion that sanity could be restored with a glass of kanar.
“Of course it can” Damar said, as Garak tailored his golden-plated, lacy jock-strap.
“Do a good job, tailor. This is a very important heirloom, handed down to me by a complete stranger yesterday”.
As he was working, Garak pondered the deeper meaning of why Damar wore a lacy—“No!” Garak said, “enough thinking!”
“Hmmm?” Damar grunted, “did you sew on the sequins yet?”
“Trying to imitate Dukat again are you?” Garak asked drolly.
“Our final showdown begins immediately” the great man said ponderously, “I intend to outshine Dukat, and in doing so create a new sequin fad the Klingon-Cardassian Alliance has never dreamed of!”
“However” said Garak, “O’Brien needs to fix the sequin machine immediately, so we’ll conquer the Federation with our clothes sadly deficient in this unless he does it in time”.
Brow sweaty, teeth clenched, Damar said, “just sew the first one, and let’s go!!”
Garak blinked, “go where, Damar?”
“Either conquering, or to Dukat”
“I’m magnificent” Dukat preened, “and I declare myself winner, unless you want to do the counter-modelling as you originally declared.”
“Stop!” Bashir shrieked, “for the Pakled Love Slave holosuite program distracts Thot Mog from judging!”
It was then that a ship docked on pylon two, baring the ominous name “Sweety”.
“Hello, tailor” said it’s occupant.
“You!” Garak stared, wide-eyed, “owe me a dinner at the Littlest Tuck Shop in that little alcove of businesses that is the Swindling Sector.”
“You mean Quark’s?” the mysterious Obsidian Order member replied, in a failed attempt to be labelled as mentally insane by 1800 hours the following day. Instead, he dangerously provoked Tain in a Pokemon tournament that saw Rusot’s Blastoise defeated by the most adorable yet impractical tantrum from a displeased Dukat.
Tain declared the mystery man An Enemy of The State!
A pancake exited the wormhole and mystery man tried to deploy a trilithium syrup bomb, but due to calibration errors it destroyed the third moon of the pacifist’s nebula, thereby triggering 83 years of war. Surprisingly, the war was a ratings disaster, cancelled and replaced with Big Brother (set on Cardassia), and Tain was voted out for failing the “Prison Break” tasks.
“What is this s**t?” demanded an irate Gul Evek, who reminded his fellow Cardassians he was still adrift in a sea of woe and plasma storms called The Badlands.
“Aren’t you back on Cardassia?”
“Evek is in many places” said the Prophets, who made mincemeat of our primitive notions of space, time and cheezburgers.
It’s finally happened, people: Lolcats are invading the Alpha Quadrant! This, our darkest hour, must be met with the full combined force of every character.
“Kthxbai” concluded Sisko, horrifying everyone. “We must not flag or halt, for the Lolcats intend to end us all with diabeetus”.
To preserve this enchanting tale in carbonite, take three lolcats, and place gently into the warp core of the Defiant, taking care not to wake Worf, who is, ironically, catnapping in engineering. “Sleeping? When we would also say, catnapping?” replied the comedian engagingly, “happily, Worf has run out of patience and is attacking the itteh bitteh kitteh committeh pre-emptively.”
As Kitty Apocalypse fell, so did silence and dander. The casualties horrendous, the trauma of moving zig for great comic effect resulted in the lolcat surrender and a new world order of internet memes featuring Cardassians with excellent grammar. These Cardassians, excellent in their application of modal auxiliary verbs, tore a hole into space which was the style at the time. The dreaded Double Superlatives inhabited this, and there was much rejoicing.
This, alas, had the most severe consequences of all. Yes, an epic fragmentation. Five words the semicolons abounded throughout space, time and indeed sense. This meant that the beloved thread had veered into a wordhole, and could not get out.
“We’re seriously lodged” said O’Brien, and suddenly hugged a Cardassian so tightly that he asphyxiated.
“I can?” said the young Ensign.
“Yes, we can!” barked the cast, who were used to the madness and were seriously nonplussed at the random dropping of plot points and lolcats and stuff.
Because of this, they went on strike and refused to eat unless their reasonable demands were met:
1. Peanut Butter to excess
2. Exorcism of urinal ghosts
3. Gold pressed latinum thongs
4. The best kanar on demand
5. Five for my lonely...
6. There is no six
The management (viz the current posters) apologizes for any inconvenience caused and has entered into negotiations with Paramount (god help them). Unfortunately, there has been a contract dispute which means that Cardassia will now face a general court-martial. This concludes Grand Nagus Zek’s Waffle House rhythm and blues review. Now for a word from our sponsors.
Garak threw up on Bashir, but the “vomit” was really Odo, who had recently fallen asleep after watching the movie Xanadu. It had left Odo unable to think in any logical way. Cardassians removed O’Brien’s clothes, causing Bashir to show obvious signs of illogic, also. This diminishing running joke led all to jump for jaded joy jubilantly, but strangely life went on.
Morn sighed, for no longer were the plumb breasts of The Sisko considered collector’s items. Photon torpedoes, however, were everywhere and 20 per GPL bar.
“Just a nip and tuck”
“BULL! You stuffed them with a potato... in the BACK”
“A potato? No, sir, it was a banana. I’ve heard that they’re quite similar, though”. Garak smiled beautifically: “I believe the circle of life is easily the best song in The Lion King Part 26”.
Kira ran screaming into the Cardassian warship, confessing to Dukat that she had always despised not having neck ridges, and enjoying the fine taste of kanar- and promptly kissed him. Dukat filmed it all and uploaded into the past, where legions of Niners rose up and shouted, “That defies canon!”, and logged onto YouTube, promptly destroying it.
Dukat broke the fourth wall, which had already been broken the moment the tree fell. He sought out the actor who portrayed him, and found Barry Manilow had. Dukat was somewhat confused by “Copacabana” and had always wondered what on Earth had possessed Manilow to keep his nose.
At this point we should like to invite viewers to write in with our complaints but since the Move Along Home incident we have become far too nice. At this very moment, we are working on a time machine powered by wiped out executive stress toys, and promoted using a very, very naked Morn -<at this point the story is dictated by the Klingon warrior Belch’k and goes thusly into Damar’s kanar stores>:
Jake wanted to kiss Ezri, but she was kissing Bashir already. Someone revived Jadzia, causing the Dax symbiont no amount of comfort but instead endless confusion. No one knew why, but the Symbiosis Commission, in its horror, found that many brains of deceased hosts were regenerating, and each new generation caused a tiny crack in the foundation of the SC institute.
“We need gobstoppers” Winn said, “they’re the only things that change colour when you eat the green belly slime of tube worms”.
Quark frowned and said “I’m sorry, we do not allow your kind to reproduce. Please step along outside of my establishment”.
Winn said as she started to leave, “The Prophets will judge you for this...my child”
Molly huffed “I hate when that weird hat lady comes with her Sydney Opera House Headdress. Can’t we just throw her into the Fire caves with those Pah...Pah...ghost things?”
“Absolutely not!” Keiko said insistently, “I had a baaaaad experience with Dukat, and I don’t want Molly to find out”.
“You’re talking to Molly” Molly from the mirror universe said, “now leave me to my strange and unhallowed ways”.
Winn strutted off, holding a jumja stick, sulking because she hadn’t amused Gul Jasad.
The wormhole said, “Feed me, for I contain 42, the answer to “what is six times seven?””
Angered further, Gul Jasad spat hot sexy venom at the entire universe, but especially at Keiko, who wished she had gone to the toilet before she shat in her pants again.
“I’ll clean it up, lest Gul Jasad glare disapprovingly at my breasts” sulked Chief Crazy Horse, now female.
“What?” asked Miles, “who is that?”
Jasad answered, “your mom, after all, would never have approved”.
Then, Jasad suddenly belched, causing Crazy Horse to summon his space cucumber of ultimate doom and a tomato, for salad.
“Crazy Horse is male again?” asked Miles, “I’m going crazy, but not too crazy. Perhaps”.
Odo sighed, and left for the nearest airlock, fed up with all the innuendo coming from the insane story writers. After running into Quark, Odo realized that he couldn’t leave, for he was not kosher, and his shoes were yellow. He changed his shoes to green instantly- shapeshifter, easy- and his hands became matzo balls in the blink of an Andorian omelette. Quark poked him and poked him and poked until he farted on Quark’s ego, which reduced him to a clump of fig newtons.
Subcommander Taris laughed at what the monitor was showing: a rerun of that classic Simpsons run for 85 yards. It did not excuse his crime against the Bajoran orphanage, however, or explain the tilt of his hat (which was not purple!) when placed on Jadzia Dax’s boobs.
Vreenak declared, “its a Faaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaa-kkkk-eeeeee!” at which point the meme died.
O’Brien then ordered “pretty cake, with a side order of ugly tea”.
“Tea isn’t ugly” Kai Winn exclaimed, thus winning an OBE, “it’s cooked by the book”.
“What if my scarf doesn’t fit my neck?” Dukat mused.
Meanwhile, the clock was ticking down on the mere motion that sanity could be restored with a glass of kanar.
“Of course it can” Damar said, as Garak tailored his golden-plated, lacy jock-strap.
“Do a good job, tailor. This is a very important heirloom, handed down to me by a complete stranger yesterday”.
As he was working, Garak pondered the deeper meaning of why Damar wore a lacy—“No!” Garak said, “enough thinking!”
“Hmmm?” Damar grunted, “did you sew on the sequins yet?”
“Trying to imitate Dukat again are you?” Garak asked drolly.
“Our final showdown begins immediately” the great man said ponderously, “I intend to outshine Dukat, and in doing so create a new sequin fad the Klingon-Cardassian Alliance has never dreamed of!”
“However” said Garak, “O’Brien needs to fix the sequin machine immediately, so we’ll conquer the Federation with our clothes sadly deficient in this unless he does it in time”.
Brow sweaty, teeth clenched, Damar said, “just sew the first one, and let’s go!!”
Garak blinked, “go where, Damar?”
“Either conquering, or to Dukat”
“I’m magnificent” Dukat preened, “and I declare myself winner, unless you want to do the counter-modelling as you originally declared.”
“Stop!” Bashir shrieked, “for the Pakled Love Slave holosuite program distracts Thot Mog from judging!”
It was then that a ship docked on pylon two, baring the ominous name “Sweety”.
“Hello, tailor” said it’s occupant.
“You!” Garak stared, wide-eyed, “owe me a dinner at the Littlest Tuck Shop in that little alcove of businesses that is the Swindling Sector.”
“You mean Quark’s?” the mysterious Obsidian Order member replied, in a failed attempt to be labelled as mentally insane by 1800 hours the following day. Instead, he dangerously provoked Tain in a Pokemon tournament that saw Rusot’s Blastoise defeated by the most adorable yet impractical tantrum from a displeased Dukat.
Tain declared the mystery man An Enemy of The State!
A pancake exited the wormhole and mystery man tried to deploy a trilithium syrup bomb, but due to calibration errors it destroyed the third moon of the pacifist’s nebula, thereby triggering 83 years of war. Surprisingly, the war was a ratings disaster, cancelled and replaced with Big Brother (set on Cardassia), and Tain was voted out for failing the “Prison Break” tasks.
“What is this s**t?” demanded an irate Gul Evek, who reminded his fellow Cardassians he was still adrift in a sea of woe and plasma storms called The Badlands.
“Aren’t you back on Cardassia?”
“Evek is in many places” said the Prophets, who made mincemeat of our primitive notions of space, time and cheezburgers.
It’s finally happened, people: Lolcats are invading the Alpha Quadrant! This, our darkest hour, must be met with the full combined force of every character.
“Kthxbai” concluded Sisko, horrifying everyone. “We must not flag or halt, for the Lolcats intend to end us all with diabeetus”.
To preserve this enchanting tale in carbonite, take three lolcats, and place gently into the warp core of the Defiant, taking care not to wake Worf, who is, ironically, catnapping in engineering. “Sleeping? When we would also say, catnapping?” replied the comedian engagingly, “happily, Worf has run out of patience and is attacking the itteh bitteh kitteh committeh pre-emptively.”
As Kitty Apocalypse fell, so did silence and dander. The casualties horrendous, the trauma of moving zig for great comic effect resulted in the lolcat surrender and a new world order of internet memes featuring Cardassians with excellent grammar. These Cardassians, excellent in their application of modal auxiliary verbs, tore a hole into space which was the style at the time. The dreaded Double Superlatives inhabited this, and there was much rejoicing.
This, alas, had the most severe consequences of all. Yes, an epic fragmentation. Five words the semicolons abounded throughout space, time and indeed sense. This meant that the beloved thread had veered into a wordhole, and could not get out.
“We’re seriously lodged” said O’Brien, and suddenly hugged a Cardassian so tightly that he asphyxiated.
“I can?” said the young Ensign.
“Yes, we can!” barked the cast, who were used to the madness and were seriously nonplussed at the random dropping of plot points and lolcats and stuff.
Because of this, they went on strike and refused to eat unless their reasonable demands were met:
1. Peanut Butter to excess
2. Exorcism of urinal ghosts
3. Gold pressed latinum thongs
4. The best kanar on demand
5. Five for my lonely...
6. There is no six
The management (viz the current posters) apologizes for any inconvenience caused and has entered into negotiations with Paramount (god help them). Unfortunately, there has been a contract dispute which means that Cardassia will now face a general court-martial. This concludes Grand Nagus Zek’s Waffle House rhythm and blues review. Now for a word from our sponsors.
Garak threw up on Bashir, but the “vomit” was really Odo, who had recently fallen asleep after watching the movie Xanadu. It had left Odo unable to think in any logical way. Cardassians removed O’Brien’s clothes, causing Bashir to show obvious signs of illogic, also. This diminishing running joke led all to jump for jaded joy jubilantly, but strangely life went on.
Morn sighed, for no longer were the plumb breasts of The Sisko considered collector’s items. Photon torpedoes, however, were everywhere and 20 per GPL bar.
Last edited:
The sentient narrator broke in
(Thanks, DN!)
(Thanks, DN!)
as Leeta fluffed her cleavage,
concerned that yet another joke
could destroy this story's credibility.
We are now DEAD SERIOUS 
RobertScorpio
Pariah
It means no pink flowers
