DS9 Caption Contest #56: Martok; Too Proud for an Eye Patch!

[LeadHead]

Happy Saturday to everyone! Hope things are going well for all of you!

First up to the plate, we have the "Just be patient for a couple of seasons" Award, going to:

Winn: You commander are a fraud, the prophecies clearly indicated a bald-headed Starfleet captain would be the Emissary of the Prophets. You are neither of those!

Next, we have the "Self Importance" Award, going to:

Kira: Eminence, couldn't you wear high heels instead of me having to crouch to make you look taller?

Next, we have the "Listen to the Experts" Award, going to:

"AH! THE VISIONS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!"

"Emissary, the Orb of Prophecy works best when it is open."

Next, we have the "Lack of Serious Accomplishments" Award, goes to:

Winn: I once caught a fish THIS BIG!

Kira: Oh Prophets, here she goes again...

Next, we have the "Mega Groan" Award, goes to:

Winn: Well, that's the last time I buy the "hot new book" at a fire sale.

Winn: "Now, my children. I trust that we can continue the ritual in harmony, now that this heretic has been removed from the group".

Kira: "I did exactly what you directed me to do!"

Winn: "I didn't say 'Simon Says'!"

Congratulations to our winners and many thanks to all who participated! And now, one of DS9's great military leaders,
General Martok!

Off we go!

 

[LeadHead]

Worf: Hey, private moment here. Take a hike.

Jake: Really wished I hadn't just mentioned Depth Perception.

Worf and Martok: (singing) Who let the dogs out?

Bashir: This is the worst papercut I've ever seen!

Gowron: I've called you all here to allow you to say nice things about me.

(total silence)

 

[Lanny77]

GOWRON: It is agreed then. We shall order Might Maltz Meat Lovers pizza with 10 side orders of blood pie and warnog. And if they are late....we shall ravage their homeworld in 30 minutes or less

 

[Thor Damar]

"I have called you all here because one of you...will betray me!"

~Bulges eyes at everyone~

"So what? We're Klingon! Hounor is just a six letter word for most of us. (five if you're American)"

"So you admit it!"

"Erm...sorta.."

"Doctor if I hear that awful human joke one more time then you'll definitely feel something, and it won't be little!"

Nog: " The Klingon's eh? What a bunch of smelly illiterate morons with a death wish! And the worst of those profitless gitwizards is that stupid bastard who managed to lose his one good eye! What a pillock..."

The room suddenly goes cold

...aaaand he's right behind me isn't he."

Sisko: {growling menacingly} "You're damn right he is, Cadet!"

Jake: "Well, I think that's my cue to exit. {sotto voice} Ya big idiot Nog!"

"Some say that time is the fire in which we burn. I for one think that Fire is the fire in which we all burn!"

"You're very literal aren't you Worf?"

 

[Finn]

Martok: Here's the deal. I'll have the next Dax host.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Bashir: "What do you mean, you don't want a glowing red eyeball?"

 

[Thor Damar]

Bashir: "What do you mean, you don't want a glowing red eyeball?"

"Doctor, do I look like a bloody Narn to you? Do I?"

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Martok: "So, Worf, have you pleasured her with the twenty-step Mahroungh ritual yet?"
Dax: "Ooo! What's the twenty-step Mahroungh ritual?!"
Worf: "Thanks a lot, asshole!"

Nog: "I don't know what kind of bet you won with Martok to make him serve as our waiter tonight, but you know this is going to come back and bite you in the ass, right?"

Martok: "Hey, isn't that that thing Schwarzenegger pulled out of his nose in 'Total Recall'?"
Bashir: "Very similar...but this one goes in a different orifice."

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Thanks for the runabout! I hope it's the Rio Grande, or this could end messily...

Nog: "What happened to Jake's face?"

Martok: "As the Klingon proverb teaches, the wind does not respect a fool".

Gowron: "The situation is graver than we thought. Our agents have confirmed the presence of Klingon Headlice aboard the station. I will now ask each of you to fetch a bowl of water and one of our special combs. The days ahead will be grueling, my brothers, but we must endure".

 

[LeadHead]

Gowron: "The situation is graver than we thought. Our agents have confirmed the presence of Klingon Headlice aboard the station. I will now ask each of you to fetch a bowl of water and one of our special combs. The days ahead will be grueling, my brothers, but we must endure".

Gowron: Should these efforts fail, you will have two options for your haircut; The Picard and The Sisko.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Gowron: "I bought it from a Ferengi merchant. It's called Red Kryptonite. It has random and bizarre effects on Superman. It sounded like it would be fun!"
Klingon on right: "There is no Superman!"
Gowron: "The little guy was a helluva salesman!"

 

[Ln X]

Martok: Sing her the Klingon love song; Kahless' aching heart. She'll be on her knees begging you for more!
Worf: If that's so why isn't Sirella with you?
Martok: She's not a kinky sort of woman...

Jake: Yow!
Sisko: Jake control yourself! I'm sorry general but my son has been reading Cardassian pornos!
Martok: He has huh? That gives me added incentive to conquer the race!

Martok: What do you see Worf?
Worf: Erm... (thinks about it) Two free tickets to Risa?
Martok: You fool! Has the heat addled your head?

Bashir: Has Sirella been giving you a hard time?
Martok: Aye! Twas a bad night for love all around!

Gowron: And we will throw everything at Cardassia! Regardless of the losses! Because the staring eyes command you to do so! Look into my eyes, and obey me! You will obey me! You will obey me!
Everyone else: Yes Chancellor!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Bashir: Be still, general, I need to --
Martok: 'Tis but a scratch!
Bashir: A scratch? Your arm's nearly off.
Martok, too quickly: No it isn't!
(beat)
Bashir: Sod it, I'm not going through this again. Leave. If there's anything worse than a stubborn Klingon bleeding all over my carpet, it's a stubborn bleeding Klingon QUOTING MONTY PYTHON. By god, if I ever find out who screened that....

Gowron, gravely: I will be the racecar.
Worf: But I wanted the racecar!
Gowron: You were the racecar last time, Worf. You can be the top hat now.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Martok: "Next time...I will not eat...the whole head of targ...*groan*.

Bashir (reading scanner): "That's not a targ head, it's the casserole dish".

Martok: "Everything looks the same after five barrels of bloodwine".

Worf (singing): "Beata, Maria...you know I am a rightous man...of my honour I am justly proud..."

Martok: "This isn't good".

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Sisko: "Jake, don't fart on Martok! It's...well, it just will not turn out well!"

 

[T'Girl]

Martok: Here's the deal. I'll have the next Dax host.

Jadzia: "Best hurry, the Dax symbiont intends to have her whore through half the people on the station in just in the first year."

 

[Nerys Myk]

MARTOK: Did you ask about the threesome?

SISKO: The forks are for the salad, Nog. Not for pinning people's hands to chairs.

MARTOK: Sorry, I guess that's my fault.

WORF: Human custom demands we roast marshmellons and sing a round of Row, Row, Row your boat.

BASHIR: Seems odd, but if salt in the wound is the Klingon custom, who am I to argue?

GOWRON: This tip calculator app sucks.

 

[Finn]

Gorwon: I have a new task before you. Many years ago, I lost my Bat'leth. It was entrusted to me by Koloth when I first joined the military. I will give many lands to the one who finds it.

Worf: You left it on the Enterprise years ago. It was sitting in a storage closet 20 meters from the warp core. It is now just a bunch of particles orbiting Veridian III.

Gorwon: Crap...What's for lunch?

 

[Worf'sParmach]

Martok to Worf "Ain't no fun if the Homies can't have none."

 

[Ln X]

Martok and Worf singing: One love... One blood...
One life, you got to do what you should.
One life, with each other...
Sisters... Brothers...
One life, but we're not the same.
We get to, carry each other, carry each other.

One... life...

One...