Contest: ENTER DS9 CapCon 141: Do You Like Scary Movies?

[Smellincoffee]

Welcome to the Halloween Special of the DS9 Caption Contest; this week, we're taking inspiration from slasher flicks. But before the murder and such, winners from last week!

Kick the Can's High Crimes Against Sarsparilla

Sisko: Quark, you are the type of person who will say whatever it takes to work toward your advantage -
Quark: Waltz
Sisko: Pretend to be someone you are not -
Quark: Changeling
Sisko: Profit from violence -
Quark: Siege of AR-558
Sisko: And not think twice about who gets hurt in the process -
Quark: In the Pale Moonlight
Sisko: Um... and you don't like root beer!
Quark: That is true....

Zombie Cheerleader's Wardrobe Malfunction

WORF: Psst. That's supposed to go underneath the jacket.

The Green Monster's Chaffeur, Not Chaperone!

....Things got awkward when Odo forgot he was the limo....

Leviathan's "Good Thing They're Not Driving"

Sisko: Then it is agreed. One shot for every time Dukat hits on a Bajoran, 2 for every time I say 'if you have something to say to me say it', and 3 shots for every time we spot someone that looks suspiciously like Weyoun.

JirinPanthosa's Matchmaker, Matchmaker

O'BRIEN: Heh. Yeah, I'm sure we'll have no problem being alone together.
KIRA: Yeah, it's not like both of us have really dull love interests or anything.
O'BRIEN: Not at all. Yeah.

And finally, from the shambling spirit-booster:

ODO: Wrap it up, Bashir. I've got a Cease and Desist order from Ian Fleming's lawyers

Congrats Zombie Cheerleader!

And now, MURDER! SUSPENSE! DARK HALLWAYS AND WHISPERING VOICES!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Ezri: Did I leave the coffee pot on? I always turn it off after the last cup. But I don't REMEMBER turning it off.

Nog : Says here that he who is valiant of pure and spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaargh.
O'Brien: Dammit, not again.
Nog: What?
O'Brien: The Monty Murderer. Kills people and leaves quotes from a 20th century comedy troop as clues.

Bashir: I told them we need signs that say "Watch Your Step". Why did the Cardassians leave risers in the middle of corridors?!

Sisko: There are two kinds of people, my friends: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. Kira, you dig.
Kira: Huh?
Sisko: Sorry, couldn't resist. Which one of you is the changeling?
Everyone: HE IS/SHE IS!

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the Win

Nog : What's wrong, Chief?
O'Brien: If he's like this, what are they gonna do to me this week?

Bashir: They better not be sleeping in my quarters again? I don't wanna anybody taking my teddy bear again.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Bashir: Blimey. I didn't know my cooking was THAT bad.

O'Brien: What's wrong? Who did this to you?

Lieutenant: It's...Bashir's cooking...awful...stomach pump...(dies)

Sisko: That's enough! Both of you, lower your weapons!

Kira: Not until Ensign Bluenose here tells me why he let Bashir cook breakfast this morning.

Bolian: Hah! Like your "hasperat" was any better. Before I ate that, I had hair!

Ezri: I heard that Bashir's cooking the meals today. If I hide in this dark corridor they'll never find me.

"It is I, the Grim Peeper. You ate Bashir's cooking. Now you shall PAY!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

DAX: Blue Alert? What the hell is a Blue Alert?

BASHIR: I guess I should stop keeping my patients waiting.

 

[Triskelion]

T4TW Smellincoffee!

They say you're only crazy when you start replying to the voices in your head.
Shut up, Curzon!

Death: Jaaaaaadziiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaa.............I have coooooome for youuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Jadzia: How about a game of chance to win my soul?
Death: So beeeeeeeee it. Choooooooose your gaaaaaaaaaaame.
Jadzia: I choose...Tongo!
Death: Bah, I suck at that. No pockets. I mean - How about cheeeeeessssssss?
Jadzia: All right, if it's 3D Space Chess.
Death: ...........Huuuuuuuungry Huuuuuuuungry Hiiiiiiiiiippoooooooos?
Jadzia: Tobin says, "Fire on the mountain, run boys run!"
Death: Blast, I forgot about that nerd.

Bashir: Well I warned them about the risks of Pastelpoplexy. But they never take it seriously.

Sisko: What we have here is a Mexican Standoff.
Chell: That is offensive.
Sisko: That's...just what it's called.
Kira: Why can't you just call it a "Standoff"?
Sisko: Because you can't! A Standoff is any garden variety Deadlock! This is a unique, three-way "Situation"!
Chell: Ooooh, "Deadlock"! "Situation"! Is that what you teach your academy students, Professor?
Kira: He means "Stalemate".
Sisko: No I don't! A Stalemate is when no further progress can be made without putting your king in check. Having weapons drawn and aimed is more like being in check itself, which is a Deadlock! The best we can hope for now is either Détente or surviving the ensuing Mêlée.
Chell: Oooh, Détente or Mêlée. Sounds like a gay raktajino order.
Kira: That is offensive!
Chell: Oh yeah? And tiptoeing around the existence of homosexuality isn't?
Sisko: He does have a point. Should we tiptoe around the existence of Mexicans?
Kira: I don't mean it that way! I mean, why do any of these concepts need an ethnic referent in the first place?? This is not what the Prophets teach!
Chell: Oh? "Gay" is an ethnicity now? That is offensive!
Kira: - OR ORIENTATION, SHEESH! Stop digressing over the minutae of every possible offensive permutation of miscommunication! The Prophets teach -
Sisko: You mean, the Bajoran Prophets. To everyone else, they're just Wormhole Aliens.
Kira: Fine! But since I am Bajoran I can just call them Prophets!
Chell: Kind of like when you're in China you don't order Chinese food, you just order Food?
Sisko: Now that is offensive!
Chell: Oh yeah? Tell that to Keiko O'Brien!
Kira: She is Japanese, you hippie! A whole other country with a whole big sea between them!!!
Chell: Well, change the metaphor to Japanese food, and then...KEIKO O'BRIEN!
Kira: Well then if Ensign Muniz were here, he could just call this a Standoff!
Sisko: Who?
Kira: Remember that guy O'Brien called "Quique"? On the downed Jemmie ship?
Chell: And "Jemmie's" not offensive? And - I'M NOT A DIRTY HIPPIE, I JUST LIKE MEDALLIONS!
Sisko: Oh, right. The day the Jem'Hadar held us Cragfast.
Kira: "Cragfast," really? Seemed more like a Siege to me.
Sisko: No, we were racing against the clock before we'd lose our advantage and they could attack us. A Siege could continue indefinitely. Like AR-558. That's why that mission was called "The Siege of AR-558", but the Jem'Hadar Cragfast Situation was just called "The Ship". We were being forced back on a tactical ledge with every passing minute.
Chell: So where did we land on the whole, "Standoff" issue?
Sisko: We seem to have reached a conceptual Impasse, if not a garden-variety Standoff but one involving three parties mutually assuring a descent into a three-way "Checkmate".
Chell: Oh yes, that's much more sensitive than "Mexican Standoff" and not placatory at all!
Kira: Impasse??
Chell: Pay attention Major, it may be on the midterm!

 

[Bad Thoughts]

It was an uncomfortable moment for Odo. If he reverted to his normal form, everyone would know that he likes to cross-dress as Kira. Of course, if he reverted, he might be shot anyway.

 

[Smellincoffee]

All Together: Freeze!
All Together: JINX!

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Bashir: Being genetically enhanced, I can control my vital functions. I'll raise my heart rate and my blood pressure, which should wake me from this artificially induced nightmare. But if I do that, I will know that I am indeed genetically enhanced. What bad luck!

Amaro: You learned first aid at the Academy? On Setlick 3?
O'Brien: On the holodek, while cosplaying.

 

[Triskelion]

Crewman: Are you married?
O'Brien: Yep.
Crewman: You poor bastard.

 

[Nerys Myk]

O'BRIEN: You could have left a few buffalo wings for the rest of us.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Once a year, a joined Trill gets possessed by one of his or her previous hosts. Ezri was concerned about Joran paying her a visit, until she woke up naked in Captain Boday's quarters. Who counsels the counsellor?

Odo os: "Oi, you! Wearing a William Shatner mask on the promenade is against station regulations!"

Nog: "Oops. You were right, Chief. It wasn't set to stun. My bad."

Old man Bashir: "Perverts!"

Captain's log: "We captured three shapeshifters today in corridor Beta 2. Neither of them knew who the others had shapeshifted into, and were engaged in a stand-off when we found them. Irony's a bitch!"

 

[JirinPanthosa]

EZRI: I can feel it...the writers are going to force me into the story again this week.

MASKED MAN: Have you ever wondered why...your personality seems to change every week?

O'BRIEN: This may not be the right time to say this, but murdered by a drugged up Garak you bear a striking resemblance to Lt Barcalay.

BASHIR: Huh. Shouldn't there be somebody who represents my genetically engineered side in this fantasy?

[

SISKO: So. I suppose we should say something about memories with each other nobody else would know?
BOLIAN: Yeah, that's usually how this works.
KIRA: Eww. Let's not.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Going to wrap this one up on the weekend!

That's right, the end is coming but NO ONE KNOWS WHEN.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

That moment when you realize that the annual corridor slumber party has been a thing for four years and nobody ever told you about it...