Welcome to the Halloween Special of the DS9 Caption Contest; this week, we're taking inspiration from slasher flicks. But before the murder and such, winners from last week! Kick the Can's High Crimes Against Sarsparilla Sisko: Quark, you are the type of person who will say whatever it takes to work toward your advantage - Quark: Waltz Sisko: Pretend to be someone you are not - Quark: Changeling Sisko: Profit from violence - Quark: Siege of AR-558 Sisko: And not think twice about who gets hurt in the process - Quark: In the Pale Moonlight Sisko: Um... and you don't like root beer! Quark: That is true.... Zombie Cheerleader's Wardrobe Malfunction WORF: Psst. That's supposed to go underneath the jacket. The Green Monster's Chaffeur, Not Chaperone! ....Things got awkward when Odo forgot he was the limo.... Leviathan's "Good Thing They're Not Driving" Sisko: Then it is agreed. One shot for every time Dukat hits on a Bajoran, 2 for every time I say 'if you have something to say to me say it', and 3 shots for every time we spot someone that looks suspiciously like Weyoun. JirinPanthosa's Matchmaker, Matchmaker O'BRIEN: Heh. Yeah, I'm sure we'll have no problem being alone together. KIRA: Yeah, it's not like both of us have really dull love interests or anything. O'BRIEN: Not at all. Yeah. And finally, from the shambling spirit-booster: ODO: Wrap it up, Bashir. I've got a Cease and Desist order from Ian Fleming's lawyers Congrats Zombie Cheerleader! And now, MURDER! SUSPENSE! DARK HALLWAYS AND WHISPERING VOICES!
Ezri: Did I leave the coffee pot on? I always turn it off after the last cup. But I don't REMEMBER turning it off. Nog : Says here that he who is valiant of pure and spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaargh. O'Brien: Dammit, not again. Nog: What? O'Brien: The Monty Murderer. Kills people and leaves quotes from a 20th century comedy troop as clues. Bashir: I told them we need signs that say "Watch Your Step". Why did the Cardassians leave risers in the middle of corridors?! Sisko: There are two kinds of people, my friends: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. Kira, you dig. Kira: Huh? Sisko: Sorry, couldn't resist. Which one of you is the changeling? Everyone: HE IS/SHE IS!
Thanks for the Win Nog : What's wrong, Chief? O'Brien: If he's like this, what are they gonna do to me this week? Bashir: They better not be sleeping in my quarters again? I don't wanna anybody taking my teddy bear again.
Bashir: Blimey. I didn't know my cooking was THAT bad. O'Brien: What's wrong? Who did this to you? Lieutenant: It's...Bashir's cooking...awful...stomach pump...(dies) Sisko: That's enough! Both of you, lower your weapons! Kira: Not until Ensign Bluenose here tells me why he let Bashir cook breakfast this morning. Bolian: Hah! Like your "hasperat" was any better. Before I ate that, I had hair! Ezri: I heard that Bashir's cooking the meals today. If I hide in this dark corridor they'll never find me. "It is I, the Grim Peeper. You ate Bashir's cooking. Now you shall PAY!"
DAX: Blue Alert? What the hell is a Blue Alert? BASHIR: I guess I should stop keeping my patients waiting.
T4TW Smellincoffee! They say you're only crazy when you start replying to the voices in your head. Shut up, Curzon! Death: Jaaaaaadziiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaa.............I have coooooome for youuuuuuuuuuuuu! Jadzia: How about a game of chance to win my soul? Death: So beeeeeeeee it. Choooooooose your gaaaaaaaaaaame. Jadzia: I choose...Tongo! Death: Bah, I suck at that. No pockets. I mean - How about cheeeeeessssssss? Jadzia: All right, if it's 3D Space Chess. Death: ...........Huuuuuuuungry Huuuuuuuungry Hiiiiiiiiiippoooooooos? Jadzia: Tobin says, "Fire on the mountain, run boys run!" Death: Blast, I forgot about that nerd. Bashir: Well I warned them about the risks of Pastelpoplexy. But they never take it seriously. Sisko: What we have here is a Mexican Standoff. Chell: That is offensive. Sisko: That's...just what it's called. Kira: Why can't you just call it a "Standoff"? Sisko: Because you can't! A Standoff is any garden variety Deadlock! This is a unique, three-way "Situation"! Chell: Ooooh, "Deadlock"! "Situation"! Is that what you teach your academy students, Professor? Kira: He means "Stalemate". Sisko: No I don't! A Stalemate is when no further progress can be made without putting your king in check. Having weapons drawn and aimed is more like being in check itself, which is a Deadlock! The best we can hope for now is either Détente or surviving the ensuing Mêlée. Chell: Oooh, Détente or Mêlée. Sounds like a gay raktajino order. Kira: That is offensive! Chell: Oh yeah? And tiptoeing around the existence of homosexuality isn't? Sisko: He does have a point. Should we tiptoe around the existence of Mexicans? Kira: I don't mean it that way! I mean, why do any of these concepts need an ethnic referent in the first place?? This is not what the Prophets teach! Chell: Oh? "Gay" is an ethnicity now? That is offensive! Kira: - OR ORIENTATION, SHEESH! Stop digressing over the minutae of every possible offensive permutation of miscommunication! The Prophets teach - Sisko: You mean, the Bajoran Prophets. To everyone else, they're just Wormhole Aliens. Kira: Fine! But since I am Bajoran I can just call them Prophets! Chell: Kind of like when you're in China you don't order Chinese food, you just order Food? Sisko: Now that is offensive! Chell: Oh yeah? Tell that to Keiko O'Brien! Kira: She is Japanese, you hippie! A whole other country with a whole big sea between them!!! Chell: Well, change the metaphor to Japanese food, and then...KEIKO O'BRIEN! Kira: Well then if Ensign Muniz were here, he could just call this a Standoff! Sisko: Who? Kira: Remember that guy O'Brien called "Quique"? On the downed Jemmie ship? Chell: And "Jemmie's" not offensive? And - I'M NOT A DIRTY HIPPIE, I JUST LIKE MEDALLIONS! Sisko: Oh, right. The day the Jem'Hadar held us Cragfast. Kira: "Cragfast," really? Seemed more like a Siege to me. Sisko: No, we were racing against the clock before we'd lose our advantage and they could attack us. A Siege could continue indefinitely. Like AR-558. That's why that mission was called "The Siege of AR-558", but the Jem'Hadar Cragfast Situation was just called "The Ship". We were being forced back on a tactical ledge with every passing minute. Chell: So where did we land on the whole, "Standoff" issue? Sisko: We seem to have reached a conceptual Impasse, if not a garden-variety Standoff but one involving three parties mutually assuring a descent into a three-way "Checkmate". Chell: Oh yes, that's much more sensitive than "Mexican Standoff" and not placatory at all! Kira: Impasse?? Chell: Pay attention Major, it may be on the midterm!
It was an uncomfortable moment for Odo. If he reverted to his normal form, everyone would know that he likes to cross-dress as Kira. Of course, if he reverted, he might be shot anyway.
Bashir: Being genetically enhanced, I can control my vital functions. I'll raise my heart rate and my blood pressure, which should wake me from this artificially induced nightmare. But if I do that, I will know that I am indeed genetically enhanced. What bad luck! Amaro: You learned first aid at the Academy? On Setlick 3? O'Brien: On the holodek, while cosplaying.
Once a year, a joined Trill gets possessed by one of his or her previous hosts. Ezri was concerned about Joran paying her a visit, until she woke up naked in Captain Boday's quarters. Who counsels the counsellor? Odo os: "Oi, you! Wearing a William Shatner mask on the promenade is against station regulations!" Nog: "Oops. You were right, Chief. It wasn't set to stun. My bad." Old man Bashir: "Perverts!" Captain's log: "We captured three shapeshifters today in corridor Beta 2. Neither of them knew who the others had shapeshifted into, and were engaged in a stand-off when we found them. Irony's a bitch!"
EZRI: I can feel it...the writers are going to force me into the story again this week. MASKED MAN: Have you ever wondered why...your personality seems to change every week? O'BRIEN: This may not be the right time to say this, but murdered by a drugged up Garak you bear a striking resemblance to Lt Barcalay. BASHIR: Huh. Shouldn't there be somebody who represents my genetically engineered side in this fantasy? [ SISKO: So. I suppose we should say something about memories with each other nobody else would know? BOLIAN: Yeah, that's usually how this works. KIRA: Eww. Let's not.
That moment when you realize that the annual corridor slumber party has been a thing for four years and nobody ever told you about it...