Done

[I am not Spock]

Uh oh. I have most of TNG, VOY, and ENT on DVD. Is my Niner card revoked?

 

[maneth]

I have all of the shows on DVD, so I guess my Niner card is revoked as well... Although to be fair, I love Enterprise too much to be a true Niner. But it must be said that DS9 got me back into Trek fandom after years of indifference.

 

[Michael]

So, all I have to ask is, when do we hold the party to welcome the newest Niner?

It's not as simple as that, I'm afraid. First you will have to undergo a gruelling two-hour test of your knowledge of DS9 to make sure that you watched all of the show, then you have to write an eight page essay (font size: 10, font style: Times New Roman, normal margins and no pictures allowed) explaining why you like DS9 and as part of this you must describe DS9's merits over the other Star Trek series. If the circle of head Niners decides that you don't like DS9 enough, or that you express too positive an opinion about Voyager, then you will be disqualified. In this essay you are allowed to criticise one main character and two recurring characters, any more than that and you can kiss your chances of joining goodbye.

You will then enter a six-month probation period where every post you make on this or any other Star Trek board will be monitored and judged. If you don't praise DS9 enough, or you don't criticise Voyager enough, then you will not pass. During this period you will also be subject to at least three quizzes about DS9 at randomly chosen dates, you must pass all three. Inspectors will also be dispatched to your home to ensure that you have all of DS9 on DVD, and you must also have rips of at least 70% of the episodes stored on your computer or an external hard drive in case your DVDs get worn out due to being on constant rotation on your DVD player. If the inspectors find any Voyager media in your home then you will also be disqualified. (Once you finish your probation period you will be allowed to apply for a permit to rent or borrow Voyager, but only for the purposes of criticising it. This is how I managed to watch the show for my review thread last year.)

If you pass your probation period you are officially welcomed as a Niner, but only after you fill out the lengthy forms, pay the membership fee and sign up to our health insurance policy. The Niner health plan is similar to most health plans on the market today but it will also cover you for situations where your arrogance gets your beaten up by others, and you will receive therapy if you suffer a breakdown after arguing against Anwar. Once you officially are welcomed as a Niner you will receive a membership award with the official Niner seal, and you will receive a membership card which can be used in place of your official geek card. At that point you can have a party with moderate alcohol consumption.

The Voyager issue is a controversial one amongst the head Niners, it is based out of the old rivalry from when the two shows were on the air concurrently, and since that hasn't been the case for over a decade some feel it is time to drop some of the harsher anti-Voyager sentiments from the Niner constitution. There has been some suggestions that they may remove some of these sections next year to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of Voyager finally ending, here's a list of the proposals:

• Liberal Pinko Position: All Niners are free to enjoy and own all of the Star Trek series, but they must praise DS9 regularly and harsh criticism of the show is unacceptable.
• Moderate Position: The ban on owning Voyager on DVD should be lifted only for those that were fans of Voyager before becoming fans of DS9. The Niner council accepts that nostalgia is playing a large part in why these people enjoy the show, after all, this is the same reasoning that all Niners use for owning season 1. Any praise for Voyager must include a line about it being based on nostalgia or a mind-altering substance.
• Moderate-Hardline Position: Only allowed to own Voyager seasons 4 and 5 on DVD. You are allowed to compliment two castmembers from the show, Neelix is not allowed. Voyager fans must be registered on a list viewable by all Niners so that they can be shamed, and they are subject to random monitoring of their posts to ensure that they are not being too complimentary towards the show.
• Really Hardline Position: The Voyager ban should be extended to Enterprise and possibly TNG. Anyone who currently has these shows on DVD must be publicly flogged and they must reapply for Niner membership.

Brilliant stuff!

Oh, and Voyager is actually the only Trek show I don't own on DVD ...

But what about Babylon 5? Can we own that?

 

[TheGodBen]

The Niner/Fiver war ended ten years ago at the Battle of the Demarcation. We were losing the war, our forces were scattered and the Fivers were about to launch the final attack on our home forum... but then they surrendered. Something about learning that the soul of our show came from their show, or whatever. So they gave us some money and now we are building a new forum where the five major science fiction franchises (Babylon 5, Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who and William Shatner's TekWar) can work out our differences in peace.

So yes, you're allowed to own Babylon 5 as an overture of peace towards our sci-fi brethren. But not Voyager.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

The Niner/Fiver war ended ten years ago at the Battle of the Demarcation. We were losing the war, our forces were scattered and the Fivers were about to launch the final attack on our home forum... but then they surrendered. Something about learning that the soul of our show came from their show, or whatever. So they gave us some money and now we are building a new forum where the five major science fiction franchises (Babylon 5, Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who and William Shatner's TekWar) can work out our differences in peace.

You are brilliant, TGB. You really are.