Cultural Dilemma (Warning, Long!)

[DonIago]

...I'm kind of glad that, AFAIK nobody in my family is particularly religious.

My best friend recently converted to Catholicism, largely because she was marrying a man who is Catholic (though I don't think he's particularly practicing) and was married previously, and she didn't want to deal with people who might not consider her a "real" wife because she wasn't his religion. In any case, I wasn't entirely sanguine about the reasons, partly because I've been thrust into situations where if I allowed what other people thought to seriously affect me...well, I probably wouldn't be alive to make this post.

I've had a very hard time wrapping my head around this, not in the least because I'm of a demographic that's faced a huge amount of discrimination at the hands of Catholicism and, even if her church has the best of intentions, it's hard for me to be entirely convinced that they are in no way contributing to some of the church's less-admirable policies.

I love my friend, but I'm profusely glad her wedding had no particularly religious overtones. I don't know whether I could have brought myself to attend if it had been in a Catholic church, for instance...particularly if it was an overbearing one. The amount of compromising there...that would have been a lot to ask.

Sorry, not meaning to derail the thread or anything...(blush)

 

[Gryffindorian]

Kes, it appears you come from a family with a very balanced outlook on culture and religion. I don't know much about the Hindu religion, but I do admire anyone who has a sense of spirituality or faith (Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist) but doesn't take things to extreme.

When I was growing up in another country, my parents (one Catholic and the other I could only describe as "fundamentalist") were never regular churchgoers. It was my siblings (Catholic and fundamentalist) who went to the Mass or attended worship services twice a week. Still, we were raised as Christians, and Mom always taught us the importance of prayer. We weren't fanatics (until I was in my teens, but that's another story), and now I consider myself a non-denominational Christian.

As I get older and more experienced, my mind has certainly become more open, and I embrace the differences in cultural beliefs and practices. I'd be honored if someone invited me to a bar mitzvah. In fact, a co-worker recently had given me an invitation to attend a Buddhist church event, and I would've attended if I had the time. Although I would never do anything I'm not comfortable with, I think participating in a ceremony like this could be a very enlightening experience. Let us know how it goes!

 

[Holdfast]

If you want to keep on good terms with the relevant family members you mentioned, suck it up and go along with the flow.

If you're not bothered, do what you like and don't go.

It doesn't sounds like you're going find a rationalisation that let's you find a middle ground here, so let go of the need to try to find one.

 

[thumbtack]

I'm not religious, but my family are all Satanists. It can be a complex and confusing religion. Imagine my embarassment when I showed up to the last sacrifice with an infant of the wrong gender.

 

[sidious618]

I'm not close with most of my family outside of my parents and one aunt so if there is an event I don't want to go to I don't.

Which is often.

 

[hamudm]

Frankly, I just suck up my pride and deal with family functions as they are...

It's hard, but peace in the family is often worth that kind of price...

I agree. Principles aside, you've got it made. My Muslim parents didn't attend my wedding to my agnostic wife. We also told them last week that my wife is pregnant and got nothing but iciness and panicked looks from them (i.e. "oh shit, what are we going to tell our families and the people at the mosque! They're not Muslim and their child will be a Godless bastard!").

I'd say suck it up and go with the flow; things could be A LOT worse.

Just me $0.02

 

[Misfit Toy]

hamudm - congratulations to you and your wife!

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Yes, congrats, hamudm.

As for me, I've spent the better part of fifty years arguing with my family over their sad and anti-American Catholic beliefs. However, when invited to a wedding or baptism or any other of their rituals, I go; I stand up and sit down when they do, so as not to be disruptive, but I do not genuflect or participate in the hand jive or communion (although I was forced to take first communion as a child).

Basically, I look at it like this: When I'm at home, I can wear my sneakers or skip around naked if I want. At other people's houses, I take off my shoes or keep my clothes on if that's what they want. I go by the home rules unless it gets to a point where I cannot in good conscience abide it; where that point is, of course, is up to the individual.

As Yogi Berra said, if you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't come to yours.

Heh. Gotta love Yogi Berra.

 

[freak]

Kes, it appears you come from a family with a very balanced outlook on culture and religion. I don't know much about the Hindu religion, but I do admire anyone who has a sense of spirituality or faith (Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist) but doesn't take things to extreme.

When I was growing up in another country, my parents (one Catholic and the other I could only describe as "fundamentalist") were never regular churchgoers. It was my siblings (Catholic and fundamentalist) who went to the Mass or attended worship services twice a week. Still, we were raised as Christians, and Mom always taught us the importance of prayer. We weren't fanatics (until I was in my teens, but that's another story), and now I consider myself a non-denominational Christian.

As I get older and more experienced, my mind has certainly become more open, and I embrace the differences in cultural beliefs and practices. I'd be honored if someone invited me to a bar mitzvah. In fact, a co-worker recently had given me an invitation to attend a Buddhist church event, and I would've attended if I had the time. Although I would never do anything I'm not comfortable with, I think participating in a ceremony like this could be a very enlightening experience. Let us know how it goes!

Same here! I have the outmost respect for someone who is religious but doesn't take things to the extreme. There are those out in this world right now, preaching the bible to folks and I don't believe it's right or respectful to force your religion down a non-believer's throat.
I consider myself a Christian, but I tend to pray to God privately at night and believe that you don't necessarily have to go to church every Sunday to prove yourself a Christian. If you do the Christian thing to do which is to be respectful, honest and a good person with a good heart, then you will go into Heaven.

I also do not like going to funerals in that which I believe they are barbaric, not to mention awkward. I mean, the dead don't realize you're there crying over them dying for crying out loud so why go?!

My family is pretty well conservative..we don't go to church(which I believe we should go more) at all but I am a firm believer in God..but I do question the Bible's teachings to some degree. I have a friend however, who's family are real spiritual. They take offense at swearing as well as raunchy shows on TV. My friend was watching "night court" and "saturday night live" with mom one night and was grounded for doing so!

 

[iguana_tonante]

The Iguana is wise.

I should really get that on a shirt.

I've been trying to figure out why this one bothers me so much and I think it's just because it's not some abstract thing, because it's directly related to the caste system, something which is still alive and well and doing horrible things today. You know how other rituals have come out of bad places but turned into something better in the present? I feel like this is something that isn't out of that place yet, and that's why anything perpetuating it really bothers me.

Thanks for clarifying, I guess it's kinda difficult for us to understand since we are not Hindu. Personally, I feel very uncomfortable every time I attend a religious event (however, I must confess my experience is almost only limited to Catholic ones), with the emphasis on sin, punishment, obedience, magical thinking, and dogmatism. To me, it's not just some abstract disagreement on the theological position, but the intense feeling that religion is often a bastion against rational thinking and freedom. So I think I can see your point about some peculiar aspects of your religion (case in point, the caste system) having real, negative impacts on people's lives.

My advice (if you would ask it) would not be to fight your feelings about this ceremony, but to embrace them, and maybe talk about it afterwards with the people involved. Make clear you did it out of love, but you felt uncomfortable about it. Be honest and respectful (which I feel you always are), maybe something good would come of it.

 

[propita]

If it's going to cause a big hullaballoo that will always cast a pall over family get-togethers--you kinda have to go unless you really don't mind being reminded of this one event for the rest of your life.

Is this a hardcore ritual or really only lightly symbolic--a deep meaning v. you-do-it-just-to-say-you-did-it? If your family is that relaxed and willing to modify things, is there anything that can be modified in this ceremony to remove some of the more "offensive" aspects? If not, since you've been to events like this whose original purpose you oppose before, you obviously know how to conduct yourself at them. Do the same thing this time.

Most people have gone through something like this with family. Depending on the family, you suck it up or stay away.


Oh! Congrats, Hamudm!