Cultural Dilemma (Warning, Long!)

[Kestra]

Okay, this is long, but first some background. So, some of you might know that although I was born and raised in America, my parents are from India and thus I'm Indian-American. I was raised Hindu and it's something I've stuck with because we can pick and choose a lot of things, which has allowed me to keep my belief system while tweaking it a bit over the years.

My family, in the grand scope of things, isn't very religious or conservative. My immediate family consists of people that I would say are spiritual or even religious, but science pretty much trumps everything. My parents raised me with religion but I remember my mom saying over and over how it's about whether religion helps you to be a better person or not. She in particular distrusts more organized stuff and we spent a lot more time praying and doing rituals at home than going to the temple. Still, Indian culture and religion is often entwined so we have a lot of traditions, many of them religious, and I enjoy taking part in them. Sometimes I sort of quietly roll my eyes if a priest says something ridiculous, but for the most part there aren't too many conflicts. For the record, I had a Hindu marriage ceremony to my atheist husband and that was just fine.



So here's the thing: there's a ceremony this weekend for my cousins. It's sort of a coming-of-age thing, and I think that's how my aunt and uncle are treating it. But the problem is it is entirely rooted in the caste system.

I don't think my aunt and uncle really care about the caste system, I know my parents don't, and I have a feeling this whole thing is more the doing of my grandfather than anyone else. But it just makes me uncomfortable to sit there through a ceremony when it comes from (what I consider to be) such a bad place.

I know this is all kind of random and feel free to ask questions if I'm not making sense. But has anyone else gone through stuff like this with their family, or about their religion? Do you just sort of sit there and smile and deal with it, or what? I love my heritage and my religion and I really enjoy having and participating in traditions. But some things I think are just better left in the past.

 

[MANT!]

Frankly, I just suck up my pride and deal with family functions as they are...

It's hard, but peace in the family is often worth that kind of price...

 

[Deckerd]

It depends how much you don't want to offend those members of your family. If you want to keep the peace, grin and bear it. If you don't care for them that much, stick to your principles.

 

[Kestra]

Of course I want to keep the peace. I will go, I'm just not sure how to reconcile that with my own beliefs.

 

[Spot's Meow]

My parents were baptized when joining a religion a couple of years ago, and although I didn't want to I went anyway. However, I did not go to my 9 year old sister's baptism because I felt that it wasn't right to force that on a child, that they should wait to make their own decision about it when they became an adult. The rest of my family doesn't feel that way so there was some tension. They really wanted me to go but I said no and explained my reasons why. They actually laughed at me and said it was silly but I still didn't go. And that was that, no one brought it up again and no one seems to even remember how it happened anyway. My little sister certainly didn't care. If you really don't want to go you might talk to your aunt and uncle about it, just a quick email or phone call saying that you really care about the person in question but you don't believe in the ceremony. They might be sympathetic and understanding or they might laugh at you. Either way, it is your choice and unless it is a life-changing sort of event I doubt your family will be holding a huge grudge over your choice.

 

[Mr Awe]

I'm not religious at all, but I love Hinduism! At least from the outside, and based on the people that I know, it seems very flexible. I've been to India several times and once for Christmas. I was amazed that everyone was having Christmas parties. Well, their take was that they'll take any excuse to hold a party! And, what's one more religious celebration when you have so many and what's one more holy figure when Hindu's have thousands of gods?!

At any rate, sounds like a tough situation. Personally, I would base the decision on how your cousins view the ceremony. Are they excited and happy about it? If so, why not go. If they share your views and concerns, don't go but perhaps tell them personally why just so they know.

I wouldn't based it on the rest of the family, just on whether your cousins' views and how much they'll enjoy it. And, if you don't go, it's probably not such a huge deal. Typically, these events probably have lots of family right? So, it's not like your absence would stick out so much.

Mr Awe

 

[Deckerd]

Of course I want to keep the peace. I will go, I'm just not sure how to reconcile that with my own beliefs.

We have to do it all the time, at weddings and funerals, since we are atheists. You just have to relax and enjoy the social occasion and don't think about how much you disagree with the context. The only thing I refuse to go to is baptisms but they are few and far between these days.

 

[bluedana]

Two things to take into account in dealing with religious observances generally:

1. Even though the ceremony is "rooted in" the caste system, it may very well be that it comes from a different place, philosophically, now. For example, one could conceivably look at the Christian marriage rite as a patriarchal exercise of authority over a woman. But ask the bride and groom, and it's more likely that they see it as a joining of two families into one. Whatever odd or difficult historical context there was has dropped away, and it's really not up to a guest to dig it up.

2. It's never wrong to respect someone else's religious or cultural choices (except, I guess if it involves like human sacrifice or something). It's basic respect. When I go to a Catholic wedding or funeral, I conform myself to the expectations of the Mass, although I don't take Communion. When I go to a Shabbat service, I do the same. Certainly, there are aspects of each that differ from or even conflict with my own religious beliefs. I would expect someone as a guest in my church not to hold forth on the ridiculousness of some sacred act, like baptism.

You can approach it as a spectator only. We watch tons of stuff that we don't particularly agree with all the time on TV or in the theatre or at the movies. Or, if you think you're just going to be too uncomfortable -- and make your family uncomfortable -- because of where you are in your own head, then it's better to politely decline to go.

 

[Shaytan]

Of course I want to keep the peace. I will go, I'm just not sure how to reconcile that with my own beliefs.

When I go to religious ceremonies like funerals or weddings, I'm physically here but I don't participate to the religious side of the ceremony. It has been always fine with everyone. I even have a friend who told me that I can listen to my ipod during his wedding

 

[Misfit Toy]

Of course I want to keep the peace. I will go, I'm just not sure how to reconcile that with my own beliefs.

I go to my mother's church with her on Christmas Eve - I don't agree with the sermon being preached and I don't agree with the politics of the church itself. I go because it makes my mother happy and I can sit there for an hour or two without feeling like I have compromised my beliefs by doing so.

If it helps, picture yourself as an "audience member" instead of a participant in the ceremony.

 

[Tribbles]

Kestra,

I'm sorry that you're having this dilemma. I sympathize; I live in the deep South, and my family and many people I know in general are Christians, and many of those people are very devout and literal about it. I consider myself Christian, but I'm more privately spiritual, and people like my grandparents are pretty threatened by my daring not to believe exactly what the church tells me. (We sometimes do things just to please my grandfather, too. He's extremely hardcore religious, and he tends to set the tone for things. I guess that's the privilege of old age? )

I try to respect them and all religions, but I sometimes find some of the things people around here do or say offensive. Sometimes I do stand up and start a debate if it's just me and my family present, and sometimes I take a deep breath and let it go. If I were in your situation, I personally would attend, grit my teeth into a smile, and pray about it later if it left me feeling uneasy. I end up having to do this frequently around here.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[iguana_tonante]

I'm what you would call a militant atheist. My family is more or less Catholic: most relatives are only superficially interested, but some are fully into it, and I had quite a few discussions with them. But when it's time, I attend to all family functions, even if I find them silly or even unpleasant. Family is family.

 

[Amaris]

For me, the imperative is to always do everything out of love. Love is greater than any religion, greater than any quarrel, love is healing and gentle as much as it is fiery passion. There is nothing wrong with celebrating someone's rite of passage through love rather than tradition, and it brings no fault to you or the ones you love, instead, it gives them peace that you are there, and it can give you peace to know they love you and want you there.

 

[Mutai Sho-Rin]

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ What Sarek said.

My wife and I are on the very progressive side of Christianity, we worked on the two lesbian weddings held in our church during that brief, wonderful window here in California. When we go back to Kentucky, we pretty much have to keep quiet about such things. Most of the family & friends there don't know our younger daughter is a lesbian, they DO know she has a Masters of Divinity and they could never rationalize the two.

"Would you rather be right, or be in relationship?" That thought governs our behavior when we're back there. We just cope with our internal discomfort in the interest of keeping the peace.

 

[Deckerd]

Iguana summed it up: family is family.

The Iguana is wise.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I've done lots of things I didn't want to do, just because my family expected it of me. I got baptized, got confirmed, sang in the choir, all that crap. Of course, I was a kid and didn't have much say in it.

When I lived with my grandfather, I was an adult. I went to church with him every Sunday out of courtesy to him, even though I found the preacher to be a real bastard and I despised the message he was spreading.

I did not get married in a church, which my parents never questioned me on. I do go to funerals because, religious context aside, it's just something you do when someone you care about dies. As Yogi Berra said, if you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't come to yours.

 

[Pingfah]

Of course I want to keep the peace. I will go, I'm just not sure how to reconcile that with my own beliefs.

We have to do it all the time, at weddings and funerals, since we are atheists. You just have to relax and enjoy the social occasion and don't think about how much you disagree with the context. The only thing I refuse to go to is baptisms but they are few and far between these days.

I've had to go to a few of them, they are deathly boring and a bit weird too. I tend to go because those sort of things are the only time the whole family gets together these days, so I can get them all out of the way in one go. I refuse to sing hymns though, anywhere, under any circumstances.

I really offended my sister last time I saw her, I was up there for my cousin's daughter's christening and the conversation got onto who would be the godparents, and I asked out of interest who my nephew's godfather is.

It's me, of course

 

[Kestra]

Thanks, guys. I guess I didn't make it clear that I am going. It's not the sort of thing I could skip without it being a big deal. My family is pretty close and it's one of those things where not only am I going to be there, I'm going early in the morning to help set-up.

And I've had other times when I've felt uncomfortable because I didn't fully agree with what was being said, or the beliefs being demonstrated, or, well every time I've attended a Christian event ever. But usually those feelings pass or whatever discrepancy there is feels harmless and is overcome by feelings of happiness and love for others present.

I've been trying to figure out why this one bothers me so much and I think it's just because it's not some abstract thing, because it's directly related to the caste system, something which is still alive and well and doing horrible things today. You know how other rituals have come out of bad places but turned into something better in the present? I feel like this is something that isn't out of that place yet, and that's why anything perpetuating it really bothers me.

 

[Deckerd]

Ha ha. Nice one Centurion! (to Pingfah, of course)

 

[Mary Ann]

Thanks, guys. I guess I didn't make it clear that I am going. It's not the sort of thing I could skip without it being a big deal. My family is pretty close and it's one of those things where not only am I going to be there, I'm going early in the morning to help set-up.

And I've had other times when I've felt uncomfortable because I didn't fully agree with what was being said, or the beliefs being demonstrated, or, well every time I've attended a Christian event ever. But usually those feelings pass or whatever discrepancy there is feels harmless and is overcome by feelings of happiness and love for others present.

I know what you mean. My father is, in the words of my brothers, more Catholic than the pope, and the only time my older children and I attend church is when my dad comes to visit (my husband stays home with our special needs son, who can't sit through a mass. My dad at least understands those circumstances). I disagree with so much that the Catholic church preaches that I feel a right hypocrite entering a church, but religion is the most important thing for my dad so we suck it up and sit through a few masses a year. My dad can drive me nuts with his ultra-right views but I do love him, and it's all worth it to keep him happy.

I hope you have a great time on the day.