Clean Joke Thread...

[Sector 7]

FRIDAY

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership....

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


[MODS: I could not find any recent clean joke threads. If I missed it, please merge. Thanks.]

 

[The Dominion]

Re: Mathematics - Lesson for the day

Old joke is old.

 

[sojourner]

Re: Mathematics - Lesson for the day

There's an error in your math in step one. You say "To find a woman you need time & money".

This clearly means

Time + Money = Woman.

 

[trekkiedane]

Re: Clean Joke...

I lifted this off the SETI@home forum:

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin, the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does).

Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again, he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod, he begged to be changed back…

Lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy, to become a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out see me again."

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Re: Clean Joke...

^I love it!

 

[Miss Chicken]

Re: Clean Joke...

^^^ Haha, good one Trekkiedane.

Your isn't bad either, Sector 7.

 

[trekkiedane]

Re: Clean Joke...

^I love it!

^^^ Haha, good one Trekkiedane. .

Isn't it strange though that the longer a joke the flatter the punchline...

Same source (but different poster):

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

Q: Why are helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Re: Clean Joke...

Yikes, that place is full of good ones! at the venison one.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Re: Clean Joke...

[MODS: I could not find any recent clean joke threads. If I missed it, please merge.] Thanks.

There isn't one, because I just made Gil's frequent bad joke posts into one thread. If you don't mind, I'll just make this another general joke thread, since that's needed.

[edit] I'm changing the title slightly and merging gazomg's joke thread with this one if there's any confusion.

If anyone wants the dirty/bad jokes thread, it can be found here.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Re: Clean Joke...

I was going to write up a bunch of jokes like this and enter them in a contest. Came up with ten of them and sent them off, hoping at least one of them would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[trekkiedane]

^I see and raise you:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can
get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

at the venison one.

If religion teaches you anything it is that magic can be applied whenever reality doesn't do the job quite well enough

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"Last summer I was skiing in England. I went halfway up the ski-lift with this guy I didn't know. Then he turned to me and said, 'This is the first time I've been skiing in ten years. You want to know why?'

I said, 'No, not really...' then I said 'All right, you'd better tell me why.'

He said 'I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel.'

I said, 'I remember you.'"

- Steven Wright

 

[Tora Ziyal]

at the venison one.

If religion teaches you anything it is that magic can be applied whenever reality doesn't do the job quite well enough

I think my is coming from a different perspective than yours. I used to teach kids and adults -- including at least one Baptist that I can recall -- who were preparing to become Catholic.

 

[trekkiedane]

^Then it would've been my guess that you've heard these before

An arch bishop runs into the Pope's office and states that there is good news and bad news.

"Let's have the good news first then", says the Pope.

"The Messiah is back"

"What could be bad about that?"

"He came back in Salt Lake City."

 

[cooleddie74]

This joke's not G-rated and dripping with family values, but it's clean.


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

 

[Kirby]

A giant grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says to him "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
To which the grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Steve?"

 

[trekkiedane]

^Your avatar made me post this:

 

[Kirby]

^^^ LOL!

 

[trekkiedane]

I've never actually seen the guy on TV -but I luv the meme he's at the center of.

I got really emotional at the gas station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up...

 

[cooleddie74]

An oldie and really lame, but definitely clean...

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Orange!

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Meh. It's cute. Not my taste, but I chuckled.