caption contest 43: beam me up before you go go

[Triskelion]

Well that's a nice run and I think we bled that one for all it was worth, with some really great caps and even some good old fashioned nazi cabaret. I considered making this contest Stormfront 2 but I think we've made all the Colonel Klink jokes we need to for a while! Though Sgt Schultz never fails to entertain.

So on to the judging...


But first, a cheap product placement:

And now...

First Image:

"...and the 10th caller will receive an autographed photo of Herr Hitler...the Fuhrer himself! And a year's supply of Der Turtle Waxen!"

Vosk: "People of Earth. Seeing as you have not yet responded to our demands, I assume you do not take us seriously. Let me give yet another warning. Believe me when I tell you we have removed, and imprisoned, the beloved leader you call "Hitler", along with all traces of his mighty and glorious empire. Unless you surrender all your planet's gold, you will never see anything associated with the Nazi party ever again!"

Minion: "It's been three months, sir, and no reply"

Vosk: "They'll cave in any week now, you mark my words..."

"...and coming up next on our 24-hour marathon of greatest Top 40 hits...seven songs by the one and only David Hasselhoff!!!"

"This is your Captain speaking. Today's in-flight movie is 'The Producers'. Passengers are invited to don fancy dress outfits, while watching Herr Brooks' cinematic masterpiece. You will find them available in the overhead luggage compartment. Come on now, don't be shy!

Passengers might be interested to know that we have a very special guest with us for this flight... His Royal Highness Prince Harry, third in line to the throne of England, who seems to have been given advance notice of this event... and very fetching he looks too. Watch out for those Flight Attendants your Highness!"

Second Image:

ARCHER:"Target the TODAY SHOW studios, Malcolm...two photonic torpedoes!!

Roker's fat ass won't go down with just one!!"

'Chop Shop Award:

From a sugestion by Mistral

Reed: "There you go, Captain. That's the last of those pesky Sopwith Camels."

Archer: "Excellent. Now Kong will live to become First Primate and King of the Earth. History has been restored."

Reed: "I, for one, welcome our new lord and master."

This week on Alternate Timeline Hogan's Heroes

Change the !@#$% Contest Award:

Vosk: Archer, I know you're holding the next caption contest so I'll cut you a deal: put up the next contest or else.
Archer (over comm): Or else what?
Vosk: Or else I'll kill Adolf Hitler.
*snicking over the comm*
Archer (over comm): *sarcastically* Oh I'm so scared.
Vosk: Oh, watch me! *to henchman behind him* Get me Hitler!

Congratulations to the winners!
It gives me great pleasure to award the National Medal of Geekology Award Medal to you:

cooleddie74

Deranged Nasat

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cooleddie74

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ChristopherPike​

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cooleddie74​

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Mistral

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Nerys Myk​

jp's rotting corpse​

Starpaul20​

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APPLAUSE
<insert gazelle speech here>


Our next contest answers the question what's spring break like on Vulcan. Answer? A lighthearted romp through sexy head massages and mocking mean old authority figures, while young love and bodies have their Awakenings:

____________________________
Get your paws off me!

 

[John Picard]

Sarek: "Well, you can wait on signing the papers if you like; however, I have a Bolian couple ready to put down a deposit as soon as their loan is approved."

Archer: "Hmmm. It's rather close to the shuttleport. Too much traffic."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

T'Pau: "Sorry, bub, this ain't that kind of massage parlor. Not to mention, that would cost more quatloos than you'll ever see."

Vulcan: "Nonsense! The holes in the walls are great! They provide a pleasant breeze, just the thing for our hot, arid climate. And you would not believe how much fun a sudden pack of wild sehlats running through your living room can be!"

 

[Shatmandu]

While very ceremonial and done very logically, Vulcan-style pegging was still just a guy getting beefed by a woman.

Surak: "You're an airlock, and I'm putting myself out you."

Surak: "Please don't use our revered, ancient meditation chambers to defecate."
Archer, wiping hands on pants: "Sorry."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

T'Pau: "One of your primitive Earth transmissions reached Vulcan a hundred and fifty years ago. This was indicated as a humorous activity."
Archer: "I don't see the funny side..."
T'Pau: "I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head.

T'Pau: "One of your primitive Earth transmissions reached Vulcan a hundred and fifty years ago. It suggests music may soothe in conjuction with a massage."
Archer: "I'm willing to try anything to get rid of this headache."
T'Pau: "Don't push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might
Have set upon yourself
China in your hand "

T'Pau: "One of your primitive Earth transmissions reached Vulcan a hundred and fifty years ago. It is called Two Girls, One Cup. I have questions..."
Archer: "Oh boy!"
T'Pau: "That was another of your Earth transmissions."

Archer: "If you're so damned logical, why haven't you invented sunglasses?"

 

[cooleddie74]

T'PAU:"For ten credits extra...I can give you a non-emotional ending."

SURAK:"Like what I've done with the place?

I'm thinking of installing more yellow rock over in that corner over there along with additional stalagtites."

 

[ChristopherPike]

T'Pau: "Please try harder to clear your mind of all conscious thought.

I'm getting that image of you sponging down your Science Officer bare naked again...

...and I have to tell yeah, it does absolutely nothing for me."

Archer: "Whoops. Sorry 'bout that!"

 

[cooleddie74]

ARCHER:"Whatever you do...watch the hairline.

I got new plugs last week."

ARCHER:"Aren't you...

You're..."

SURAK:"Glad to make your acquaintance.

Hi. I'm David Carradine."

 

[Mistral]

Thanks for the win! -Mistral

"Now, see here children? These humans have fragile skulls. If you push like this their heads go 'POP!' like a watermelon tossed off Mount Seleya."

 

[ChristopherPike]

Archer: "Before you start, I ought to warn you... I've been interrogated by your kind before.

My Science Officer once tried this on me and for some bizzare reason, it brought on rather unusual side effects.

Doctor Phlox coined it a 'Brain Fart'.

(laughing)

T'Pol would never openly admit to it, but we we're convinced the rise in noxious gases that day was all her doing.

T'Pau: "Zee air is zee air, vot can be done?"

Archer: "Tell you what... maybe you should ask your friend over there to lend you his wind cheater?"

T'Pau: "Kroykah!"

 

[Triskelion]

T'Pau: Answer unclear, ask again later. Again. I think it's broken.

Surak: They said they'd make me a pillar of the community.
Archer: And how about that one?
Surak: That one is the pillar of hot waitresses.

 

[cooleddie74]

Vulcan zombie movies always took a LOT longer to get to the eating-brains scenes...

SURAK:"Have a seat. Relax.

I have sand, pebbles and Diet Sand and pebbles if you want something to refresh yourself."

 

[Triskelion]

Archer: Got any diet Fanta?

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Thanks for the win!

Archer: "So we're inside my mind. Huh. What's with the Freudian columns?"

Surak: "Those familiar with the TOS and Movies caption contests will notice there are two"

Archer: "Oh God..."
Surak (solemnly): "Yes"
Archer: "You mean that's the en suite you had to settle for prior to the Time of Awakening? Truly are the Vulcans a lost people."
Surak: *sigh*. "Captain Archer, if I could please direct your attention to the bloody nuclear war outside the window..."

 

[cooleddie74]

"My mind to your mind...

My Lee Press-ons...to your hairplugs."

SURAK:"Bathroom?

Hell, I've been going in a mason jar out back for years now. Just knock yourself out."

 

[Deranged Nasat]

T'Pau: "...and in this neuron cluster we have a continuous loop of Water Polo playing non-stop, but stringing together notable moments from different matches...and if we move down to this cluster, we find a sick dog, the Kreetassans, and...*yelps*- A Night in Sickbay! Abort! Abort!"

 

[John Picard]

T'Pau: "Dahleenk! What I tell yoo abowt lettink sheep's barbar cut'chor harr? He boot-cherr. Aauukkk. I try my *best*. Hole steel!"

 

[Jonas Grumby]

T'Pau: "I can sense what you're thinking...and you should banish your fears of inadequacy. Vulcan males don't really have two of them."

 

[ChristopherPike]

Cheers for the inspiration, Cooleddie...

Surak: "Did you find the bathroom okay?"

Archer: "Er.....

(Shatner-esque pause)

...yes."

 

[Rat Boy]

Archer: "Didn't you have an accent before?"

T'Pau: "Forget..."

Archer: "Weren't you wearing a poncho before?"

Surak: "Forget..."