Bad Trek Jokes, Part II
- Thread starter Lord Garth
- Start date
I'm also still waiting on an explanation for why the clown can stay but Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go.
Maybe they're related
Well, I did make (an admittedly poor) attempt a couple of years back, in this very thread.
JJverse Kirk, Scotty and Keenser walk into a bar. The bar tender looks at Scotty, looks at Keenser, looks at Scotty, looks at Keenser, then turns to Kirk, "Ok, the clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go."
Alright, I've got nothing, but that damned punchline needs to come from something.
I'm also still waiting on an explanation for why the clown can stay but Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go.
Maybe they're related
Well, usually in these kinds of jokes, neither the "clown" nor the "ferengi" are what they appear to be. The joke is about the mistaken identity. So you have to imagine two individuals that sort of hilariously could be mistaken for a clown and a ferengi in a gorilla suit....
Q: After the events of "Arena", the Federation attempted diplomatic contact, but nobody from the other side ever showed up. What went wrong?
A: They'd all Gorn Orff.
A: They'd all Gorn Orff.
Ten Reasons Why The Borg Can't Assimilate Voyager:
1) Neelix' cooking
2) Harry's clarinet playing
3) Chakotay's stories about "his people"
4) Talent night and Tuvok's reading of Vulcan poetry.
5) The Doctor's lectures
6) Kamikaze Janeway
7) Tuvok's joke explaining
8) B'elanna's temper
9) Tom Paris' and his knowledge of 20th-century technology...
10) Seven in a catsuit...
1) Neelix' cooking
2) Harry's clarinet playing
3) Chakotay's stories about "his people"
4) Talent night and Tuvok's reading of Vulcan poetry.
5) The Doctor's lectures
6) Kamikaze Janeway
7) Tuvok's joke explaining
8) B'elanna's temper
9) Tom Paris' and his knowledge of 20th-century technology...
10) Seven in a catsuit...
N
Not A Dominion Spy
Guest
What do you call it when the security officer of the USS Discovery demands something of you?
Nhan-negotiable
Nhan-negotiable
Why did Garak confess to his tapestry of lies?
He was feeling quilty.
He was feeling quilty.
A family of three arrives at a gas station, daddy, mommy, and little Juan...
Daddy says: "We need gas."
Mommy Says: "We need a cake."
Little Juan says: "I need a toy."
They only have enough money for one item.
So what do they do?
They buy the cake.
Morality: The needs of the mommy outweigh the needs of the fuel or the Juan...
Daddy says: "We need gas."
Mommy Says: "We need a cake."
Little Juan says: "I need a toy."
They only have enough money for one item.
So what do they do?
They buy the cake.
Morality: The needs of the mommy outweigh the needs of the fuel or the Juan...
Just for fun, I decided to make a new ship's roster, consisting of a new cast of characters. Each of said characters takes an existing one... and takes a unique aspect of their character to a ridiculous extreme...
CAPTAIN JEAN PICARDI
Species: Human
Gender: Homme, si vous plait.
Origin Point: Either France or Britain, we're not sure. He likes French wines, but his accent is so UK it's not funny. With Earth united for the past couple centuries, does it really matter now?
Job: Captain
Description: Captain of the ship. Likes to read Shakespeare and drink wine. Usually does both together. A lot. Can typically be found passed out in his ready room.
Memorable Quote: "Lay in a course for..." (slurred, indictinguishable) "... at Warp 9.2 and en... I mean enga... enguhhhh..." (passes out)
COMMANDER WILLY CROAKER
Species: Human (genetic enhancements for longevity)
Origin Point: Buttox 2
Age: 192 years
Job: First Officer
Willy was born on Buttox 2, where genetically enhancing humans is legal. He received an experimental treatment for vastly increasing human longevity, so he has been in Starfleet for 170 years. And, he has been a first officer for 161 of them. He has turned down 59 commands of his own at last count. There's no real explanation... three years after becoming a commander, he had to take command of his ship and he did really well at it. He just... really likes being first officer.
Memorable Quote: "I've decided not to pursue that commission at this time." (pretty ordinary, but he's just said it SO many times).
ENSIGN WEASEL CRUNCHER
Species: Human
Gender: Male
Origin Point: Unknown
Age: 8 years
Job: Helmsman (Helms-boy? Helms-kid?)
Description: Weasel is a young boy, promoted directly from the ship's third grade classroom to the helm, largely because of amazing intelligence. He routinely saves the entire ship with his quick decision-making, usually because the captain is pasted from imbibing too much of his own wine and the first officer is too busy reviewing personnel reports to take over command. Very capable, very reliable, and disgustingly cute with his gap-toothed smile and retro 80's bowl cut. Just one thing... don't say things like "underwear" or "dirty diaper" on the bridge, or he will be giggling too hard to be of any use.
Memorable Quote: "If we reconfigure the engines to produce a transverse warp field, we should be able to generate a photonic shockwave, which will..." (breaks off into hysterical laughter when Captain Picardi says "Butt nugget.")
THE TOASTER
Species: Electronic Toaster
Gender: Identifies as male
Origin Point: Kenmore Manufacturing Plant, Orion XI
Age: Taken out of box 5 years ago
Job: Cook and morale officer
Description: Intelligent electronic toasters are supposed to be turned off when not toasting bread. But the crew of this particular ship really liked toast and bagels and frozen waffles, so the toaster was left continuously running for so long that he somehow managed to achieve full sentience. He was confined to the galley for some time, but recently acquired a counter-grav pod that allows him to float throughout the ship, and even participate in away missions. He doesn't have a name just yet, but has considered "Rye Guy", "The Scarlet Pumpernickel", and "Bagel One".
Memorable Quote: "Just because I was created to do nothing more than singe bread doean't mean I don't have the same rights as any other individual!"
LIEUTENANT XAD
Species: Twill
Gender: Uh... ???
Origin Point: A steaming underground pool somewhere.
Age: 347 years
Job: Science Officer
Description: Lieutenant Xad is highly intelligent, well educated, and has the extraordinary insight that only centuries of life can bring. But... well, some Twills have a large sluglike creature placed in their bodies in adolescence. It gives them vastly increased lifespan, but they wind up shifting gender two or three times a week. If you want to date a Twill, you'd better either swing both ways, or be prepared for a decidedly on-again off-again romance.
Best Line: "I've been a man 42,195 times, and a woman 42,194... or is it the other way around?"
ENSIGN HARVEY CUPCAKE
Species: Human, with some weird viral alien DNA buried in him somewhere
Origin Point: North Dakota. Despite being Asian.
Gender: Male
Age: 103 years
Job: Operations
Description: Poor Harvey Cupcake... despite exemplary performance of his duties for the past 82 years, he is somehow still an ensign. It's not his fault, mind you. He has, in assorted alternate timelines, been a lieutenant (54 times), a LCDR (17 times), a commander (9 times), a captain (12 times), a rear admiral (5 times), commander of Starfleet (twice), President of the Federation, and Emperor of the Klingon Empire (a ceremonial office, but comes with some nice perks). But something always happens to reset the timeline and put him back to ensign.
Memorable Quote: "Why does this always happen to me?"
COMMANDER HAWK
Species: Human
Origin Point: Either New Orleans or Boston, depending on when you ask him
Gender: As manly as manly gets
Age: 40's
Job: Security Chief
Description: For many years, he was a perfectly ordinary looking Starfleet officer of African descent, born and raised in New Orleans and now a station commander. Then, suddenly, he grew a goatee, shaved his head, traded in his uniform for 20th century attire and supercool shades, gave up his phaser for an 8-inch nickel plated 357 Magnum, and began insisting that he was a mob enforcer from Boston named Hawk. There was talk of ejecting him from Starfleet, but instead he was allowed to transfer to Picardi's command as security chief. The crew puts up with his odd behavior because with his iron fists and shoot first, ask questions later mentality, no one on the ship dares to misbehave.
Memorable Quote: "Spen-suh..." [note that there is no one named "Spenser" on his current crew... but no one dares to tell Hawk he's wrong].
LT. COMMANDER FROYO
Species: Blatterzoid
Origin Point: Blatterzed
Gender: Female
Age: Young enough to be hot.
Job: Counselor
Counselor Froyo, like most Blatterzoids, is insanely attuned to the emotions of those around her. So much so that she acts the way Counselor Troi did in "Encounter at Farpoint", going absolutely bonkers every time she senses a strong emotion... only she's been doing it for several seasons, and everyone's super tired of it.
Memorable Quote: "One of the ensigns on Deck 37 is upset because he can't get the replicator in his quarters to dispense red Jello. AAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHHH!!! THE PAAAIN!! THE PAAAIN!!"
LIEUTENANT JORDI LAFORK
Species: Human
Origin Point: Europa Colony
Gender: Male
Age: Always looks the same age
Job: Chief Engineer
Description: Jordi is a pretty normal, friendly, affable human... he was just born without a head. So, he had an artificial one attached when he was very young, giving him enhanced senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, but (since positronic brains didn't exist then) not very smart. And he's really bad with women, too. Luckily, the rest of the crew are used to this, and act accordingly.
Memorable Quote: "Let's see... we'll need 12 hours to realign the deuterium injectors. So I should multiply that by four, so the captain will think I'm a miracle worker. Let's see, 12 times 4 is..." (activates comm) "...I'll have the warp engines online in 7 hours, captain."
CAPTAIN JEAN PICARDI
Species: Human
Gender: Homme, si vous plait.
Origin Point: Either France or Britain, we're not sure. He likes French wines, but his accent is so UK it's not funny. With Earth united for the past couple centuries, does it really matter now?
Job: Captain
Description: Captain of the ship. Likes to read Shakespeare and drink wine. Usually does both together. A lot. Can typically be found passed out in his ready room.
Memorable Quote: "Lay in a course for..." (slurred, indictinguishable) "... at Warp 9.2 and en... I mean enga... enguhhhh..." (passes out)
COMMANDER WILLY CROAKER
Species: Human (genetic enhancements for longevity)
Origin Point: Buttox 2
Age: 192 years
Job: First Officer
Willy was born on Buttox 2, where genetically enhancing humans is legal. He received an experimental treatment for vastly increasing human longevity, so he has been in Starfleet for 170 years. And, he has been a first officer for 161 of them. He has turned down 59 commands of his own at last count. There's no real explanation... three years after becoming a commander, he had to take command of his ship and he did really well at it. He just... really likes being first officer.
Memorable Quote: "I've decided not to pursue that commission at this time." (pretty ordinary, but he's just said it SO many times).
ENSIGN WEASEL CRUNCHER
Species: Human
Gender: Male
Origin Point: Unknown
Age: 8 years
Job: Helmsman (Helms-boy? Helms-kid?)
Description: Weasel is a young boy, promoted directly from the ship's third grade classroom to the helm, largely because of amazing intelligence. He routinely saves the entire ship with his quick decision-making, usually because the captain is pasted from imbibing too much of his own wine and the first officer is too busy reviewing personnel reports to take over command. Very capable, very reliable, and disgustingly cute with his gap-toothed smile and retro 80's bowl cut. Just one thing... don't say things like "underwear" or "dirty diaper" on the bridge, or he will be giggling too hard to be of any use.
Memorable Quote: "If we reconfigure the engines to produce a transverse warp field, we should be able to generate a photonic shockwave, which will..." (breaks off into hysterical laughter when Captain Picardi says "Butt nugget.")
THE TOASTER
Species: Electronic Toaster
Gender: Identifies as male
Origin Point: Kenmore Manufacturing Plant, Orion XI
Age: Taken out of box 5 years ago
Job: Cook and morale officer
Description: Intelligent electronic toasters are supposed to be turned off when not toasting bread. But the crew of this particular ship really liked toast and bagels and frozen waffles, so the toaster was left continuously running for so long that he somehow managed to achieve full sentience. He was confined to the galley for some time, but recently acquired a counter-grav pod that allows him to float throughout the ship, and even participate in away missions. He doesn't have a name just yet, but has considered "Rye Guy", "The Scarlet Pumpernickel", and "Bagel One".
Memorable Quote: "Just because I was created to do nothing more than singe bread doean't mean I don't have the same rights as any other individual!"
LIEUTENANT XAD
Species: Twill
Gender: Uh... ???
Origin Point: A steaming underground pool somewhere.
Age: 347 years
Job: Science Officer
Description: Lieutenant Xad is highly intelligent, well educated, and has the extraordinary insight that only centuries of life can bring. But... well, some Twills have a large sluglike creature placed in their bodies in adolescence. It gives them vastly increased lifespan, but they wind up shifting gender two or three times a week. If you want to date a Twill, you'd better either swing both ways, or be prepared for a decidedly on-again off-again romance.
Best Line: "I've been a man 42,195 times, and a woman 42,194... or is it the other way around?"
ENSIGN HARVEY CUPCAKE
Species: Human, with some weird viral alien DNA buried in him somewhere
Origin Point: North Dakota. Despite being Asian.
Gender: Male
Age: 103 years
Job: Operations
Description: Poor Harvey Cupcake... despite exemplary performance of his duties for the past 82 years, he is somehow still an ensign. It's not his fault, mind you. He has, in assorted alternate timelines, been a lieutenant (54 times), a LCDR (17 times), a commander (9 times), a captain (12 times), a rear admiral (5 times), commander of Starfleet (twice), President of the Federation, and Emperor of the Klingon Empire (a ceremonial office, but comes with some nice perks). But something always happens to reset the timeline and put him back to ensign.
Memorable Quote: "Why does this always happen to me?"
COMMANDER HAWK
Species: Human
Origin Point: Either New Orleans or Boston, depending on when you ask him
Gender: As manly as manly gets
Age: 40's
Job: Security Chief
Description: For many years, he was a perfectly ordinary looking Starfleet officer of African descent, born and raised in New Orleans and now a station commander. Then, suddenly, he grew a goatee, shaved his head, traded in his uniform for 20th century attire and supercool shades, gave up his phaser for an 8-inch nickel plated 357 Magnum, and began insisting that he was a mob enforcer from Boston named Hawk. There was talk of ejecting him from Starfleet, but instead he was allowed to transfer to Picardi's command as security chief. The crew puts up with his odd behavior because with his iron fists and shoot first, ask questions later mentality, no one on the ship dares to misbehave.
Memorable Quote: "Spen-suh..." [note that there is no one named "Spenser" on his current crew... but no one dares to tell Hawk he's wrong].
LT. COMMANDER FROYO
Species: Blatterzoid
Origin Point: Blatterzed
Gender: Female
Age: Young enough to be hot.
Job: Counselor
Counselor Froyo, like most Blatterzoids, is insanely attuned to the emotions of those around her. So much so that she acts the way Counselor Troi did in "Encounter at Farpoint", going absolutely bonkers every time she senses a strong emotion... only she's been doing it for several seasons, and everyone's super tired of it.
Memorable Quote: "One of the ensigns on Deck 37 is upset because he can't get the replicator in his quarters to dispense red Jello. AAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHHH!!! THE PAAAIN!! THE PAAAIN!!"
LIEUTENANT JORDI LAFORK
Species: Human
Origin Point: Europa Colony
Gender: Male
Age: Always looks the same age
Job: Chief Engineer
Description: Jordi is a pretty normal, friendly, affable human... he was just born without a head. So, he had an artificial one attached when he was very young, giving him enhanced senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, but (since positronic brains didn't exist then) not very smart. And he's really bad with women, too. Luckily, the rest of the crew are used to this, and act accordingly.
Memorable Quote: "Let's see... we'll need 12 hours to realign the deuterium injectors. So I should multiply that by four, so the captain will think I'm a miracle worker. Let's see, 12 times 4 is..." (activates comm) "...I'll have the warp engines online in 7 hours, captain."
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