Apologies and Forgiveness

[Gryffindorian]

A therapist once said that forgiveness means letting yourself off the hook. It's about letting go so that we don't suffer anymore; it doesn't mean approval for what others have said or done, or continuing to put up with their behaviors. Forgiveness involves compassion for self and others. There was a time when I didn't think I could ever forgive someone for what they did, but I grew older and wiser.

I've even been on the seeking end of forgiveness. When someone does or says something that bothers me, I have a tendency to lose my cool and say something harsh, which I later regret, especially if it's a family member. I don't like myself when I'm angry because I find myself being the villain in the story. I'd like to think I'm a good person, maybe not always nice, but good.

Last week I got upset with my sister and said something to her. I'd rather not discuss the details. Suffice it to say, it took me days to muster up the courage and send her a message, apologizing for my behavior. This wasn't the first time too, and it may very well happen again.

Anyway, I've said some harsh words that I regret. I take responsibility for my behavior, and I realize I should've shown some respect and restraint. I'm human. If she stays mad at me, I don't blame her at all. I'm not about asking for forgiveness to make myself feel better. To me, acknowledging my own mistake or flaws is the essence of an apology.

I'd like to hear others' perspectives. What say you?

 

[JirinPanthosa]

To me forgiveness comes easier when you or the offended party have reason to think the behavior won’t be repeated.

If a person says sorry but have no intention of not behaving just as badly next time, or are the kind of person who will bring any previous bad behavior up in any future fight, apologies are just cheap tools to make someone unmad.

For people who really feel bad and are trying to do better, of course you should forgive. For people who haven’t learned anything and just want to restore the status quo for their own continuing benefit, you can ‘move on’ and not let it stress you. But complete forgiveness is just setting up a future blowout.

 

[Amaris]

I never apologize. I'm sorry, it's just something I won't do.

Seriously, though, I am often apologizing and asking forgiveness. It's tough being a human and trying to navigate what is and isn't acceptable to others. Being contrite, having compassion, showing mercy, these are key to healthy interpersonal relationships, and how we move society along. When these things break down, society as a whole breaks down.

 

[auntiehill]

I have gotten to the point where the repeat offenders are just written off. If the person is always apologizing, and continuing the behavior with no sign of real change, I just leave. And if an offense has truly caused me distress, any flippant "sorry" is meaningless.

i don't know if it means I 've hardened my heart in my old age, or that my emotions have just become too fragile, but if I really feel pain or significant offense, I just walk away.

So, fool me once? Bye.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Perhaps a little more background. I didn't just randomly get mad at my sister and start attacking her verbally.

She has an autistic 19-year-old son who pushes my buttons from time to time. I realize he's a special kid, but I'm human too, and I've taken it out on my sister, thinking she needs to pay more attention to her son. This has been happening for several years, not always, but occasionally. I get upset. She apologizes for his behavior. I apologize to her for what I said.

Instead of having a neurotic reaction, I would like to focus more on finding a solution so that my nephew doesn't get under my skin.

 

[RandyS]

I never apologize because I'm always right, and I don't worry about forgiveness because I'm never wrong.

 

[JoeZhang]

In a slightly different context, a useful trick I learnt in the workplace is never explain or apologise when declining something.

So if I'm asked to do something I don't want to be engaged in - I don't response with

Hi, sorry I'd love to do this but I'm... because that invites them to come back and explain why you can do it.

Instead I simply respond:

No, I am unable to do this due to other commitments.

Never apologise, never explain.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Another case where you forgive is the case you mentioned with the autistic kid. I have an autistic step niece. If someone apologizes for something they clearly feel bad about but just have no control over like the behavior of their child, just let it go.

Just like I think you should never yell at service workers for enforcing stupid policies. They didn’t write the policy and they are having a horrible day.

The only kind of policies you should not accept are the ‘I have no intention of changing but want things to be normal between us’.

I actually will give people benefit of the fount for ‘Fool me once’.

...But fool me can’t get fooled again.

 

[Velocity]

I have a cousin who is 9 years older than me. He tried to initiate sex play when I was very young. I said NO and left the room and that was the end of it. He never tried it again, but I held it against him for a very long time. Recently I decided to forgive him for that long ago transgression. I had started to feel sorry for him and his current condition, so forgiveness came easier. We exchange letters now and discuss family and it feels pretty good to have put this behind me.

 

[Refuge]

It comes in three parts. The 'sorry' which is remorse and comes from the one giving the apology. The 'acceptance' which may or may not come from the party being offered the apology. Finally 'forgiveness' and that I believe extends to both. Do they forgive you and do you forgive you.

You don't always get or give all three.

 

[publiusr]

I have this awful memory. I was at a young playmate's home, and--as young kids do, started tossing cars--until one of mine hit him in the face. His grandparents were livid. It didn't leave a mark--but to tis day--nearly five decades ago--I still wince. Things can go wrong fast. I can just ruminate over bonehead things I've doneWhen very young, i caught my little finger in the hinge of a door as my grandmother was shutting it--thinking the reason I was screaming was the dog outside.

It hurt her more than me--although I'm sure I didn't think so at the time. Trip to the ER. I think that took some years off her life.

It is just as well that there are no time machines, or I would have went back to that moment, and yanked that little brat away from the door--and belted him in the gut