Advice. Suggestions. Support. Guidance?

[Trekker4747]

For the last 6-weeks or so I've been communicating with a young woman via e-mail, I met her through a (legit) on-line/match-making service. In the past I've not had much luck with these but on this one I took a bit more active approach and was actually getting some unsolicited attention.

Well, I began communicating with a woman via messaging and eventually E-Mail and we seem to have built something of a connection and I may be growing a fondness for her even though we've only communicated via written electronic messages. We've not communicated via phone nor video-chat service (as I have no camera on my computer.) The "problem?" I live in Kansas and she lives in West-Central Russia.

As of yet during her communications she's made no "sob story" or anything of the sort on needing help to get out of her country, or needing money, or really anything from me and, as I've said, we've been talking for 6 weeks or so now so I'm doubtful this is a "con" as it'd seems like a fairly long-con. We're making tentative plans for her to come visit me early next year but...

I'm still sort of nervous. I mean, she on the surface has "more to lose" here given she's in the more vulnerable position being both female and being the one traveling internationally to see me, but part of me worries about maybe I am being scammed. I'm obviously smart enough to know not to send/wire her money if she asks for it, not that I really have it to spare, and I've made it clear I have very little to offer her when it comes to material goods and riches and she seems unconcerned about it.

I'm worried about being emotionally hurt as I'm getting too invested with someone I've only seen pictures of and had text-based conversation with, her side being fairly rough written English, it can sometimes take me two or three reads to parse out her mails. I'm just not sure what to make of any of this, part of me wants to believe it could be "real" even if it ends up going nowhere but another part of me just feels like this is working out "too perfectly" and she seems far too attractive to be interested in someone like me half a world away.

Just looking for any insight, advice anyone may have to offer.

 

[Stoo]

Get a webcam, call her on skype. See how that goes.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

What Stoo said. Or at least make an international phone call. You know, just voice, no video.

 

[sbk1234]

Assuming this is no scam, the truth of the matter is everyone ALWAYS takes a risk when meeting or dating anyone. In that regard, I don't think the risks would be much greater than those in any relationship. Of course, the difficulties do get even worse when you consider that she lives in another hemisphere. However, I have seen long distance relationships work, but it's generally a long shot.

 

[RandyS]

Be careful. Talking to "women" in other countries through dating sites or email can be tricky. They'll go from being friendly to gushing about how much they "love" you overnight, then they'll hit you with it: They'll ask for money to get out of whatever country they're in. The second that happens cut off all contact.

 

[Scout101]

Yeah, seems questionable. 6 weeks isn't even that long of a con, not to say it couldn't be legit though. Personally, I'd probably try to focus on women within driving distance, a lot more likely to work out without international intrigue

 

[Trekker4747]

Well, believe me, money coming into play will instantly set-off my BS detector.

 

[Spot's Meow]

If you have a smartphone, you should be able to use that camera to Skype her. If you don't have wifi you can "borrow" some from Starbucks or the library. Or, as already suggested, buy a cheap webcam and use that. My point is that some sort of face communication should help to ease your concerns, or expose falsehoods. At the very least you need to talk to her on the phone before either of you even considers flying halfway across the world to see each other. It's very possible that this isn't a scam at all, but then again I flash back to Counselor Healy in Orange is the New Black.

 

[Scout101]

yeah, at best. Just never send money, don't pay for her flights, etc. Maybe she's a legit bored Russian girl looking to get out, but it definitely smells funny, so watch out. Skype/Facetime, see how legit things look and go from there.

 

[Showdown]

Yeah, definitely get a webcam and skype/facetime. Keep that BS/catfish detector on at all times.
Also, learn a little russian. There are youtube videos that'll teach you simple words like "hello". It helps.

 

[Trekker4747]

I'm beginning to think that I should never doubt myself, always trust my instincts and my own "life narrative" I've set out for myself.

 

[RandyS]

I'm beginning to think that I should never doubt myself, always trust my instincts and my own "life narrative" I've set out for myself.

Let me guess....it was a scam?

 

[Trekker4747]

Let me guess....it was a scam?

Still don't know, haven't exchanged mails with her in a couple of days. Not too uncommon for a couple days to pass between exchanges near the end of the week, from what I gather she uses a computer in a library or internet cafe or something like that and not on a home computer, but the doubts have been creeping more and more into my mind the more I think about things of it.

Nothing specific to "set me off" other than my "life narrative" of me just not being that lucky or fortunate of a person and the doubts entering me during a time when I've been "more open" in talking about her with friends and family whom I've kept in the dark until just recently. That also fits into my "life narrative" where whenever I get happy about something, look forward to something, or anything positive starts to happen if I start to talk about it and share it it slips away from me or ends up not happening.

I emotionally screwed up though, I'm on my second week of being off one of my antidepressant meds so my emotions are nuts right now and I'm almost certain my SAD is fully kicking in.

 

[auntiehill]

^ then perhaps now is not the time to be making ANY big decisions. Just take it day by day.

Perhaps you should focus on meeting people who are near you so that any relationship that MIGHT crop up will at least be physically, financially feasible and you won't have to be so concerned about any other issues.

 

[sojourner]

I would call her not having her own computer a red flag. If she can't afford a pc or smart phone then she won't be paying for her own airline ticket.

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

If you have a smartphone, and are on Facebook, you can download the (free) Facebook Messenger app, which lets you text message/phone call/video chat, for free.

Sorry for the long run-on sentence.

Before you think about meeting, you really should actually talk and see her. I'd also suggest waiting longer than six weeks to make any travel plans.

Good luck.

 

[RandyS]

^ then perhaps now is not the time to be making ANY big decisions. Just take it day by day.

This is good Advice Trekker, and I was about to say the same thing when I saw auntie's post.

Just let me add as somebody who is also taking meds for depression, I understand completely your point about what happens when you get your hopes up, and start to talk to your friends an family about it. The same thing you describe used to happen to me, which is why I learned to lower the bar on my expectations, and, as auntie says, "just take it day by day".

I hope it all works out for you whichever way it goes.

 

[Trekker4747]

I would call her not having her own computer a red flag. If she can't afford a pc or smart phone then she won't be paying for her own airline ticket.

I'm not clear on the specifics, nor am I sure what internet connectivity and consistency is like in the part of Russia she's in, maybe internet cafes are the best places to go for reliable service? Or that's just where she prefers to do her personal correspondence? It sent up a "Hmmmm..." flag for me but, again, I've no idea what internet connectivity is like where she lives and how reliable an indicator it is for one's financial situation. She's a school teacher so I can only assume she makes a decent living.

 

[Spot261]

Or she works certain hours? Has family commitments for certain parts of the week, has no home connection? All valid possibilities.

More cynically maybe she has a husband who works away part of the week. Who knows? I do have to ask rather bluntly, is this girl really the only available option to hinge your emotional well being on? From what you describe you sound like someone needing stability rather than unknowns.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Something just smells so damn fishy about all this. Be VERY careful, Trekker.