Since I feel this is hugely applicable in this day and age... here, have a column. Reposted from Ad Astra.
The Journey
Step 14: Attaining (or Reattaining) Grace
"My father was very sure about certain matters pertaining to the universe.
To him, all good things -- trout as well as eternal salvation -- come by grace
and grace comes by art and art does not come easy."
- Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It
Part of reattaining grace means being able to admit that you lost it in the first place. Attaining it in the first place isn't easy; it requires subduing the natural inclination human beings have to think that every other human being in the world may be insane to some degree, nevermind subduing your own pride. I say that somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but not entirely; it becomes all too easy to fall into the trap of snark and cynicism, especially in this day and age when it's practically encouraged.
I'm not going to go into the social factors that have promoted such things. However, I will venture to say that it may be time to put them aside.
Part of what prompted this column was my own fall from a state of tenuous grace. Just like a whole lot of other people, I fell into the idea that it was somehow all right to turn snarky, cynical, even downright mean at times towards people I don't even know personally. That it was somehow all right, under the guise of critique or moral superiority, to judge others and be very vocal about it in all the wrong ways.
Of course, other people came to the same conclusion about me, and the resulting fall out was a wakeup call. Not because they were better than me, not because they held the moral high ground in this case.
No, it was because I was just like them. There was no moral superiority, anywhere in it; not for them, or for me. And I had to look in the mirror and admit that.
The other part of what prompted this column is that Roger Ebert came to almost the exact same conclusion only days after I did. In his article, Hunt not the Snark but the Snarker, he tackles the same thing from an entertainment industry view. John Scalzi, in
10 Things to Remember About Authors, does the same from that of a professional author, albeit in a somewhat more roundabout way.
So, where does that lead?
Remembering why we're really here, and why others are here with us. And finally, remembering what it means to be a decent human being.
We are all living beings.
We all have feelings. We are not robots, we are not somehow immune to hurtful words. We may all be different in how much we can take, but the fact of the matter is, it's never a good feeling to be on the receiving end of a flame, or a nasty note, or a personal insult. And, really, it's never a good feeling to be the person giving it -- the momentary mean satisfaction that spikes in your heart eventually drains away, and leaves you just as empty as you were before. Maybe even with some regret.
Assume good faith.
No one who sits down with a pen and paper or a keyboard is writing specifically to target your pet peeves. (Or, I hope they aren't; I'm sure there are cases of that, but I have a feeling they're few and far between.) As annoying as bad characterization, bad grammar and overall poor writing can be, that author did not sit down specifically to piss you off. They didn't write a story to hurt you, make you miserable or otherwise unhappy -- do not take your frustration in the writing out on the writer. See point 1 above. It's not wrong to give critique, it's not even wrong to give tough critique, but remember that you're dealing with a human being.
And yes, I have forgotten this too. Time to fix that.
Reach out to others.
Part of the problem in fandom today is the sheer lack of true give and take. Everywhere you look, there are little groups dedicated solely to their own small niche. Almost everywhere you look, there are authors who refuse to participate with their readers, or participate any further in fandom than by reaping the rewards of feedback. There are authors who hold stories hostage for feedback, there are readers who put demands on authors to write what it is the reader wants. There are readers who read, but never offer any critique or encouragement to the author.
A lot of this might have come about from Fanfiction.net and a culture that encourages this entitlement complex, but after awhile, even the most dedicated cynic has to wonder, "When did we stop giving a damn?" A whole discourse on sociology can be made here, but for now the best answer to this trend is: Fix it. Get involved in your fandom. Reach out to both other authors and readers alike. Support each other. Teach the new kids coming in. Stand up and be a positive example.
Work hard.
One of the biggest differences between writing fanfiction today and writing it five years ago is that today, there's far less incentive to improve. Again, this is part of the culture of entitlement, and likewise part of the problems that come with niche groups that discourage anything that may unsettle the writer. The same culture of entitlement also leaves readers out in the cold, as they're often found being taken for granted. Authors who don't thank readers have just as much to do with this problem as readers who don't bother to speak up at all.
For the part of the writer, this means fighting the natural urge to defend our works. Which, no matter how accepting we are, we all feel -- writing takes a lot out of us when we take it seriously, so of course we want to protect it. That's not all bad, instinct-wise. When you get a hard piece of crit, go ahead and feel defensive. It's natural. But don't leap to reply; instead, let the feelings run their course (it does no good to wish them away) and then come back when you're centered to open a dialogue about it. Obviously, flames and insults don't apply -- those can and should be ignored as much as possible. They say far more about the person flaming than the one being flamed.
But as I said above, honest critique is not a bad thing, not even tough critique. It's not fun to be on either end of that either, but it's a necessary part of becoming a better writer.
For the part of the reader, fight the urge to just read without offering something back. Those who write as well know just how hard a job it is. It doesn't matter if you're writing non-fiction, original fiction or fanfiction, writing is hard work. For those who don't write, but read, bear in mind what I just said: Writing is work. And the more seriously an author takes it, the harder it is. Just as you like to be given due credit for your hard work, you need to be generous enough to give credit to others for their hard work. Even if you found the story to be lacking, you should at least (politely!) explain to the author why it was. If they did manage to hit all of your peeves, I want you to go back and read points 1 and 2 again before replying.
Act in good faith.
There will be times when you give an author feedback and they respond badly. There will be times when they don't respond at all. But that should not discourage you from reaching out anyway. For authors who might sit there and assume that a 'thank you' is implied... it's not. Say it. Even if the person just says, "Good story," tell them you appreciate even that. It's not wrong to want solid feedback, just like it isn't wrong to give it. But the more genuine and appreciative you are, the more people will likely open up to you. Given the current trends, there are likely a number of readers who feel disheartened by backlash from authors or snark or cynicism. Show them that you're different.
Likewise, there are likely a number of authors who feel the same; don't give into it. Keep your chin up and keep trying.
Finally... be graceful.
Grace is not an easy state to attain. Not in the traditional religious sense, not in any sense. It requires bucking against the common trends of cynicism. It means working hard to be a better writer and reader. It means knowing when to use the stick of criticism and how, and it also means knowing how to offer the carrot. It means reaching out to strangers and friends alike.
Finally, it means being a better person.
It used to be that I would go and get coffee at Sheetz every morning before work. And, at some point, I began to remind myself not to abuse the stir sticks for the coffee by using more than one. The mantra I repeated then on behalf of the environment, small as the contribution actually was, is applicable to far more than that:
"Be a better person today."
Maybe it's time we all remember to say that to ourselves, and return to or find our state of grace.
Clarification: This post is brought about, not by the comms and forums I'm a member of currently, but of ones that I was in the past. I've found amazing people on the comms and forums lately, which is one of the reasons this issue is so important to me: Because I realize now that I allowed those places that celebrate snark and bad form, that all but encourage bad behavior, to actually poison my own outlook on fandom. The reason why this is posted is because I really do want to hear peoples' thoughts. I really do want to know what you think, what your perspective is on writing, what it is on grace, and finally, even what it would be on my own poor behavior in some venues.
Tell me what grace means to you. Tell me how you feel you can help buck the trends of cynicism and snark. Tell me everything!