A question for those in relationships lasting 20+ years

[1001001]

I guess I was speaking more from a personal point of view. I can't imagine what would break us up at this point. I can certainly imagine what would break others up.

I remember in Comparative Psychology our professor told us there is a scale to measure the likelihood of lifetime monogamy in the animal kingdom: the closer the male and female are in size, the more likely they are to be monogamous. Based on this scale, one would not expect humans to be monogamous for life.

At least, that's what he said.

 

[Holdfast]

I guess I was speaking more from a personal point of view. I can't imagine what would break us up at this point. I can certainly imagine what would break others up.

Yeah, fair point, I was speaking more from a general perspective.

I remember in Comparative Psychology our professor told us there is a scale to measure the likelihood of lifetime monogamy in the animal kingdom: the closer the male and female are in size, the more likely they are to be monogamous. Based on this scale, one would not expect humans to be monogamous for life.

At least, that's what he said.

I hadn't heard this one before. I'm just happy we don't follow the mantis' example. *shudder*

I do like the excuse though: "it's not you; it's me. Well, actually, it's our relative size difference but I'm the one furthest from the gender mean..."

 

[1001001]

"Sorry, baby. Our height and weight ratios are just too big...."

 

[ancientone51]

Hmm? Hubby was 6'3" and I'm 5'6"...exceptions to rules and all

 

[Kestra]

I think John Picard has a point. How many recently-marrieds do you know where the people "wanted to be married," then found out that there's work involved. Or one person doesn't want to compromise. Or doesn't understand that what they're doing is refusing to compromise--they really can't/won't see from anyone else's viewpoint but their own. That's not always someone's fault, because it was never required in their life before. But it behooves them to try to resolve the problems and learn from them, to improve themselves and grow.

I don't think that really addresses situations like the ones I was talking about, with longer marriages. I would think if people are refusing to compromise, they're not going to last 30+ years. Honestly, I don't like theorizing on things like this because it seems simplistic and presumptuous to talk about what's "wrong" in other people's marriages.

Re: Holdfast (the multi-quote didn't work for some reason), I can see what you're saying. I think I always figured that for the most part (average couple, not high-profile), people at older ages would rather stay together than give up companionship at that stage in life. And that it would take something significant to get people to split up. I can see what you mean about people spending more time together after retirement but really, it's easy to spend time in separate rooms and follow separate hobbies and things like that as well. It's probably more acceptable to split up at later ages now though than in the past, right? Hmmm, would be interesting to do some research.

 

[Holdfast]

Re: Holdfast (the multi-quote didn't work for some reason), I can see what you're saying. I think I always figured that for the most part (average couple, not high-profile), people at older ages would rather stay together than give up companionship at that stage in life. And that it would take something significant to get people to split up. I can see what you mean about people spending more time together after retirement but really, it's easy to spend time in separate rooms and follow separate hobbies and things like that as well. It's probably more acceptable to split up at later ages now though than in the past, right? Hmmm, would be interesting to do some research.

Yeah, it's going to be a confluence of different competing variables, isn't it?

In favour of middle-aged/later-life separation:

1) fewer family obligations/expectations (put harshly: grown-up kids & dead parents)
2) both parties have relative financial independence (mortgage paid off, settled careers/early retirement)
3) development of other diverging - possibly incompatible - interests throughout life, now brought to a conscious peak by threat of mortality/life-change
4) less need to "keep up appearances"

In favour of staying together:

1) some will still genuinely be in love
2) appreciation of easy and familiar companionship
3) relative ease of living "parallel lives" (the separate room, separate hobbies pattern you mention)
4) lack of "competing lives" (eg a third party in the relationship, an unshared desire to live elsewhere, change life/career completely, and so on)

 

[ares93]

dear lord. my longest relationship didn't even last 2 years. how the do you people do it?
ah well, the night is still young as they say.

 

[Bloodwhiner]

I've also heard speculation that until recently life expectancy was shorter.. So people married at 16-20, stayed together for 40 years, mostly spent working and when they retired were either too sick to consider a change or died.

Well people still get married fairly young 20-24, if stay married the same 40 years they are mid-sixties. Today they still often have another 20+ years of an active life. It's a whole second life that previous generations did not have.

 

[trampledamage]

probably making me the only teetotaller on this board

Nah... there are a few of us about

Reading this thread, I was thinking, crikey 20 years is a long time! Then I did the math...

mr trampledamage and I will have been together 20 years this November (11 years married). Which means I've now been in a relationship with him for more than half my life

I'm not one for talking about the personal stuff (it makes me blush) but yeah, we're still good

 

[propita]

dear lord. my longest relationship didn't even last 2 years. how the do you people do it?
ah well, the night is still young as they say.

The trick is finding someone you like and respect and love--and then remembering that you like and respect and love them even though, at that moment, they're driving you crazy.

Remind yourself everyday. Think at least one positive thought about the person and/or relationship everyday. It only takes a few seconds a day. But it's so easy to forget, because life gets in the way. And then the days and weeks go by, and you haven't spared one thought to how much this person means to you. And then months and years go by, and you're taking this person for granted--"they've been there, they'll always be there."

 

[Kestra]

I'm not one for talking about the personal stuff (it makes me blush) but yeah, we're still good

You're adorable! Congrats to the two of you.

 

[Rii]

My grandparents have been married for 50 years now and are observably still very much in love. I can't speak for their sex life, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if it exists.

 

[propita]

Well, that's like my Mom calling me late one morning, saying she tried calling earlier but I didn't pick up. Where was I? I told her that I had been busy seducing my husband. She laughed and said that I shouldn't let her interrupt. "Mom, that was hours ago. We're not that young; it doesn't take as long as it used to."

 

[Mutai Sho-Rin]

The Lady Sho-Rin and I celebrated our 33rd on June 11 (which also happens to be her birthday). Lust has cooled over the years but mutual enjoyment of humor and wit as well as music and other common interests keep us close. That 33 years is more than half of each of our lives now and I'm committed to that "til death do us part" thing. I just spent the last week solo as she was at a church women's conference in North Carolina. I survive well on my own, but I'm seriously ready for her to be home tomorrow night.

 

[Balrog]

My wifey-poo and I have been together 22 years, married 16. We're still very much in lust. Why? We don't take each other seriously, laugh a lot, and play a lot too. And we bring that joy to the bedroom as well. It seems that those whose marriages suffer lose the ability or have never been able to truly communicate with their spouses, to be silly or playful, and just take things too seriously. Love, laugh and forgive.

 

[FrontLine]

So how common is it to retain these feelings of desire for a spouse/partner after over 20 years? I'm getting the idea that it's not as common as I wish it were.

I first laid eyes on my eye the first week of my sophomore year in high school. I knew right then that I was in love. It took me about 18 months to get the guts up to ask her out. Our first date was in January of 1987. We're still together.

Now in between we would date, she would dump me, I would pine, date some others, she would come back, wash, rinse repeat through out high school.

They key was though is that we some became each others confidante, our best friends.

I graduated high school, went in the Army. Next year she graduated and went to UAB. I got out of the Army eventually and she went in the USAF. We didnt see each other but a few times for about 6 years but we always managed a call or letter here or there.

In Christmas of 1994 she came home. I had no intention of getting romantically involved with her again. I wanted to, but my heart couldn't take it. We had had a bad event in 1992 that nearly destroyed me. I would just be happy to see my best friend and leave it at that. But we started dating. So much for that plan.

So here I am in 2010. To this day I still lust after my wife like an awkward teen aged boy. I love her with all my heart.

So what has kept us together? Our deep friendship that is the basis of our love and sheer pig headed determination to not fail. We both had a lot of growing up to do and the fact is that we had a lot of it to do while together. We still are. I dont think that ever stops. There have been very rough times and there are still very rough times that we are going through and there will be even more rough times ahead. It never stops. But we bust our ass to make the relationship work. We are almost literally going through hell as a family right now but we are standing by each other, supporting each other, nurturing each other. Its almost that one takes a break and the other stands strong and supportive and eventually we switch positions.

What is interesting is that now my wife has said she doesnt understand why she couldnt have a stable relationship with me when we were kids (and yes, 17 years old is still a kid) but that something kept drawing her back to me. We compliment each other as perfectly as yin and yang.

So what has kept us together? I dunno, the knowledge buried down some where deep in side that no matter the problem that we love each other, that we married for love, and that we can make it work when times are tough.

This is not to say that times are always tough and that the relationship is always a struggle, but its just life where the hard stuff stands out.

Oh and yes, I still love and adore my wife. When I die one of the songs to be played at my funeral will be "He stopped Loving Her Today" by George Jones.

EDIT: ancientone, I am sorry for your loss and you are doing a hell of a lot better than I imagine I could ever do in your shoes.

 

[Timby]

When I die one of the songs to be played at my funeral will be "He stopped Loving Her Today" by George Jones.

You, uh, are aware that the song's lyrics are about a guy who can't stop pining for his lover even after she cheated on him and left him in the ditch, yes?

 

[FrontLine]

Beh, its the thought that counts

But Lloyd brought up another good point. humor. Man you have to keep laughing. My wife and I keep each other in stitches. I think humor is an integral part of love.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Today's episode of CBS's Sunday Morning news was all about love and keeping romance alive. They had several interviews with couples that had been together for decades, and they talked to the Bergman's, the couple that has written tons of popular love songs over the last 50 years. They also talked about the brain chemistry of love, in the short and long term. It reminded me of this thread, you guys should watch the episode clips if you get a chance.

 

[Marten]

Reading this made my sunday evening far better. I can just hope I will fare as well in the future.