TNG Caption This! #356: Time Capsule: Part 7

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Time for a new contest!

First up to the plate, we had a lot of poetry in this contest, this entry wins the "Starfleet Poetry" Award, going to:

PICARD: I would like to end the handover ceremony with a short poem... roses are red, violets are blue, Jellico's an ass, enjoy being his crew.

Next, we have the "Fashion Police" Award, going to:

Worf: Right, how many times did we tell you, this is a stealth mission, so wear your stealth clothes?

Next, we have the "Adventures in Therapy" Award, going to:

Troi: Tremble before my manly beard! I'm not overcompensating for feelings of inadequacy at all!
Riker: I'm the Mother Earth goddess, behold my camel toe of self-empowerment!
Data: Perhaps role reversal therapy was not such a good idea.

Next, we have the "Stay on The Picard's good side" Award, going to:

Q: "Dear Q...now that you're human, I present to you this gift of flowers laced with...poison oak. Love, Jean-Luc"

Next, we have the "Just because you think it's a dream episode, doesn't mean it's a dream episode" Award, going to:

RIKER: Whoops. Guess I wasn't dreaming. *evaporates*

This is an award, I haven't done in awhile, the Multi-Picture Caption award goes to:

JELLICO: Why do I feel this is a trap?

Q: My dear Q, I resign from Starfleet, have fun with Jellico, your friend Jean-Luc.

The Photoshop Award goes to:

Picard: "Says here that it's a Humpback Whale."

Jellico: "Humpback Whale? Aren't those extinct?"

Captain's log supplemental: The security chief has reported his findings, and apparently it was a murder suicide. Will Riker killed Mot and then himself. I saw the haircut. I'd say instead that justice was served, and a tragic depression subsequently took its toll.

Picard: "And finally, Ed, you will leave us by performing your best, "I'm a little teapot" . "

Jellico: "Whaa...?"

Picard: "My SHIP, my rules. Next time, try not to be such a douche."

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, the final leg of our Time Capsule Series: Season 7!

 

[LeadHead]

Worf: Anybody care that Ensign Phillips just got shot?

Riker and Geordi: No.

Data: What is the problem?

Worf: You live-streamed your dreams to the entire ship.

Worf: No, I don't want to use mouthwash!

Nechayev: Captain, we've decided to ignore the whole Warp 5 speed limit thing forever.

Troi: Now this is a good therapy session. Computer, another round!

 

[Nerys Myk]

NECHEYEV: Hello, Jean-Luc. It's so hot here at Headquarters...I might have to take something off. Are you hot too?

PICARD: Er...Not the reason I called.

RIKER: Funny how they managed to hit the only guy in a crouched position.

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW!!

RIKER: Break a vase, get phasered. It's mirrors and bad luck, but 24th century quick.

Morgan Freeman V/O: "I wish I could tell you that Data fought the good fight, and the crew let him be. I wish I could tell you that... but the Enterprise is no fairy-tale world."

CRUSHER: Hair Shield... ACTIVATE!

NECHAYEV: When are you going to tell Riker he's fired?

Troi: The Holodeck? You're a cheap bastard, Worf.
Data: Worse; this is domestic "champagne".

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Worf: "Olson just died, sir."

Riker: "Tis' a far better thing or whatever. Let's get back to the ship, I'm starving."

Troi: "Data, we think you need to get Spot a litterbox."

Worf: "He pooped in my beard-stroking chair!"

Beverly: "You really need to stop drinking prune juice!"

Nechayev: "-and since we're talking privately, Commander Riker's beard looks like a hairy asshole and the only ship he's fit to command is a garbage scow." (A beat) "He's right behind me, isn't he?"

Worf: "Isn't Romulan Ale blue?"

Troi: "Why don't you go complain on the internet about it?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: What are you doing in my quarters?

WORF: Your neighbors heard you shouting "Tasha", moaning and banging on the wall. We thought there might be trouble.

 

[jep]

Worf: Anybody care that Ensign Phillips just got shot?

Riker and Geordi: No.

Riker: "But I AM glad that red shirts aren't the ones getting popped on away missions anymore."



.

 

[LeadHead]

Riker: Take cover!

Worf: Don't worry Commander, LeadHead was just taking out his frustrations on Ensign Photobucket for giving him issues today.

 

[Armored Saint]

Thanks for the Multi-Picture Caption award

PETER LAURITSON (os): Come on guys! It's a gunfight scene, don't let the extra doing all the job.
FRAKES: Fuck that, the show is cancelled and we're tired as hell after seven years. We're keeping what remains of our energy for the future movies.

 

[shivkala]

OS: Anyone else want to say "vahz" like a common dog?
Worf, Riker, & Geordi: "Veys", it is!

Data: But it was not a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you...and you were there. But you could not have been could you? No, Counselor Troi, this was a real truly live place and I remember some of it was not very nice, but most of it was beautiful--but just the same all I kept saying to everybody was, "I want to go home," and they sent me home! Does not one of you believe me? But anyway, Spot, we are home! Home. And this is my room, and you are all here and I am not going to leave here ever, ever again. Because I love you all. And... Oh Counselor Troi! There is no place like home!

Worf: Tell me then, Doctor. What do you know of our species?

Doctor Crusher: Only what I've seen.

Worf: Did you know, for example, in extreme cases, when his life is in danger, a male Klingon can manufacture a poison dart within his own finger.

(Worf points. The dart flies and Doctor Crusher catches it.)

Doctor Crusher: Yes, I did.

Worf: Just checking. And one more thing. between you and me.
(They look around then lean forward so Worf can whisper.)
Worf: As a final resort, the excess poison can be exhaled through the lungs.
(Worf starts to exhale. Crusher uses a breath freshener on him.)

Doctor Crusher: That's better.

Riker saw the whole conversation as the Admiral was reflected off Picard's forehead.

Troi: Counselor's Log: After the mishaps in previous years, only Data and Worf would attend my New Year's Even party on the Holodeck. And only if I promised not to actually activate my traditional New Year's Eve program. Apparently the historical footage included a "Jenny McCarthy," a person all the historical records point to as "The dumbest person of the late 20th and early 21st Centuries." And then there was Ryan Seacrest. It's amazing society lasted past these year.

 

[Gepard]

Admiral Nechayev: Just wait until you're taking orders from Mrs. Columbo.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

RIKER: What happened on this planet?
DATA: I do not know. But the last visitor to this planet was Captain James T Kirk, and he reported the planet was full of traps designed specifically with him in mind.
RIKER: I came across a few traps, but they all missed me by a mile. Have you seen anything Ensign?

DATA: I had the most haunting vision of the future. It was twenty years from now, and we were all coasting on our accomplishments from the last several years on the Enterprise.

Every time Commander Riker is going to cook dinner, the medical staff is preemptively put on double shifts.

NECHAYEV: I don't understand why you are so opposed to giving Riker his own command. He's more than qualified, and I've offered so many times. If it weren't for your repeated insistence that due to his, quote, 'Rampant lechery', that he...
PICARD: Admiral, this isn't the best time for this conversation.

TROI: This is interesting Data. It's great that you have taken up holo-programming as a hobby, but why did you decide to change the endings to famous historical events?
DATA: I have observed that humans enjoy the ending to a story more when they are surprised by it. There is nothing more surprising than seeing the South with the American Civil War, or Commander Tucker get killed decades before his actual death.
TROI: ...Don't tell Will. I want to mess with him.

 

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: Dammit, Will! Stop surfing and pick one!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Ensign, crumbling: Ack, death by lens flare.
Worf: I'm starting to get tired of that joke.
Geordi: Seriously!
Riker: Even so, sad faces everyone. And spread out to find the killer.

Data: Is it my birthday! Are you bringing me a chocalatey surprise?
Geordi: We were going to let you know that there was a slight incident in Engineering and Spot is...in a happy place, but sure! Chocolate. Let's go with that.

Worf, defensively: It is a gorch.
Crusher: Don'tcarewhat-it-is-GETITAWAY FROM MY FACE!

Picard was so good he could participate in two staring contests at once.

Worf: Worst. Party. Ever.

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: Is there a Roman Catholic priest on board?

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the log entry!

Riker: "We weren't impressed the first twenty times you did that, Ensign Care Bear!"

Data: "Inquiry... Gangbang?"

Chief Medical Officer's log: "I've analysed Worf's condition and discovered he's infected with a devolution virus. The computer estimates that it will take at least 12 hours to synthesise a cure. By then it will have spread to the entire crew, and analysis indicates that I personally will have devolved into one of those chimps that you see at the zoo, always masturbating in a cage. Rather than suffer the humiliation, I have arranged to spend the next few hours in stasis."

Riker: "Blonde hair?"
Picard: "Yes."
Riker: "Icy blue eyes?"
Picard: "Yes."
Riker: Slavic ancestry?"
Picard: "Yes."
Riker: "Tasha Yar."
Picard: "No, Admiral Nechayev, see. It's my go again."
Riker: "I hate Starfleet Guess Who."
Picard: "Don't be a sore loser!"

Data: "Inquiry... drunken threesome?"

 

[Armored Saint]

DATA: GINGER ALE!?!?
WORF: Another warrior drink!

DATA: But I do not need to sleep!
TROI: Look Pinocchio, if you want to be a real little boy, you have to go to bed at 8:00 o'clock and complain about that.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

ALIEN (offscreen): Hey! Don't touch that vase! My mother's ashes are in there!

 

[Triskelion]

Troi: I'll make the campfire!
All: Nooo!

Data: Are you sure Starfleet regulations require us to wear uniforms and boots to bed?
Troi: It makes things easier.
Geordi: Look, you like the transporter device, don't you? Same deal. Don't ask how it's supposed to work, just do it so we can move on.

Worf: "CROISSAAAAAANT!"

Riker: E-5.
Picard: You sank my battleship.
Necheyev: Oh ha ha.

Troi: The first one of you fanboys that makes a ménage à Troi joke is getting a date with holo-Lwaxana.
Worf: I do not play with Trois.
Data: I was never a fanboy.

 

[Armored Saint]

NECHAYEV: Jean-Luc, would you dare to stop to looking at me like that. Firstly, I'm not that small. Secondly, I'm on a viewscreen, not really in front of you. Thirdly, I'm...
PICARD: But Alynna, it's not my fault, the viewscreen is lower than my head!
RIKER: Why do they think I stay Commander? I've already some problems with my back, an unorthopedic ready room is the last thing I need.