TNG Caption This! #355: Time Capsule: Part 6

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New contest time!

First up to the plate, we have the "Flipping Off" Award, going to:

DATA: The game was decided by a coin toss. Heads I lost.

Next, we have the "Honorable Dentistry" Award, going to:

BEVERLY: Just sit back and relax while we turn on the nitrous.
WORF: I will be the one performing your wisdom teeth extraction.
WESLEY: Wait, WHAT?
BEVERLY: Hold him down Will.

Next, we have the "Alternate Ending" Award, going to:

Worf: ...And that, kids, is how I met your mother.

Next, we have the "Poor Choices" Award, going to:

Spock: I told you 3D chess with a Wookie was a bad idea.

Next, we have the "Advanced Medical Equipment" Award, going to:

Geordi had no idea he was on the receiving end of Beverly's slingshot.

Our Photoshop award, goes to:

"Hold it right there Worf!! I've got a Tribble and I'm not afraid to use it!"

CMO's log: I believe that if the visor can be used to make him an assassin, then surely it can work to get him a date

Riker: See if you can save the ship this time *evil chuckle*

Wesley: Deanna, there's chocolate ice cream in the observation lounge.

*sounds of someone leaving the helm station and running toward the doors to observation lounge*

Riker: Damn!

Congratulations to all of our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated!

And now, we continue our Time Capsule series, for those of you who don't know what I mean by that, in honor of the contest reaching the milestone of 350 contests, we're making our way through the seasons of TNG bringing back photos we have captioned over that time.

And now, season 6, [history lesson]the first photo, is the first photo I ever used in a TNG Caption contest. [/history lesson]

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: To Captain Jean-Luc Picard, stardate: 46358.1, you are hereby requested and required to keep putting up with LeadHead not putting up caption contests on an exact schedule.

Worf: What? Stop looking at me like that, the phaser is on stun.

Data: Shall I sing "Blue Skies" at your wedding?

Q: Ouch, I guess you weren't as sneaky as you thought. Your husband sent you the email address of a divorce lawyer.

Jonathan Frakes went to extreme lengths to convince the writers to rewrite "Sub Rosa" for another character.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: And lastly I want to apologize to all of you for leaving you with Captain Jelico. Jelico is known across the galaxy for being a huge dick to his crew. Again, I am so freaking sorry.

RIKER: Wait, you brought a real phaser to the play?
WORF: Why yes. Acting with fake phasers would be dishonorable.

RIKER: Psst, Deanna. I know Data's rendition of Klingon opera is bad, but it's polite if we pretend we like it.
TROI: I can't take it anymore! Why are we trying to spare the feelings of an android?!

Q: What's this card. "Thanks for the nice evening, the lecture on Cross Cultural Applications of Fundamental Ethical Principles of the Prime Directive was very interesting. These flowers are to say let's be good friends?"
PICARD: College women never did appreciate a good moral lecture.

RIKER: Whoops. Guess I wasn't dreaming. *evaporates*

 

[shivkala]

Picard: ...and with no further delay, I hereby transfer control of the Enterprise to Captain Edward Jellico.

Jellico: Huh? Wha? Oh, sorry, must have fallen asleep during your long-ass speech. Well, no worries there, seeing as how I don't intend to spend a minute longer with any of you than I absolutely have to. In keeping with that spirit, get the hell out of here, now!

Worf: Security Chief's Log, I am still unclear as to how Lt. Commander Data convinced me to join Mummenschanz. I am also unclear as to how Commander Riker's drunken state fits into our act, but, as a proud Klingon, I have to say: Today is a good day to perform!

Data: If this is how you two have sex, it is little wonder that you broke up. You would have to be some kind of sick Romulan clone of the Captain to actually want to witness fornication between the two of you.

Q: Flower delivery for a Peter File, I'm looking for a Peter File. Is anyone here a Peter File? Could a Peter File make themselves known to me immediately!

Riker: What's a defabricator?
*Riker presses a button and his clothes disappear
Okay, defabricator, does exactly what it says on the tin. Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?
Syrus: No, for the last time, you are not Captain Jack Harkness, and you are not on "What Not to Wear"! Honestly, it was better when you thought you were a Starfleet Officer
Riker: *Continuing as if Syrus didn't exist* Ladies, your viewing figures just went up.
Syrus: I can see we have a lot of work to do...

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: He insulted mime, Captain. Permission to kill him?

PICARD: Make it so!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Q: "Oh, sorry, Jean Luc. When I saw these flowers were from Beverly Crusher, I just assumed they were for you. But the card says they're for Vash! Hey, I guess you snooze, you lose, eh, sport?"

 

[jep]

"Sorry, sir, there's no "Jellico" on the list.

"But I reserved a table WEEKS ago!"

.

 

[Nerys Myk]

JELLICO: I'm sure you'll find everything is in order.

PICARD: Who's this "Ed-209" you're placing in the Security Chief position?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "These are orders authorizing you to take over command of the Enterprise."
Jellico: "That is correct."
Picard: "But there is only one signature on these orders. Yours."
Jellico: "...Is that a problem?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: A plaque? I spend all my life in Starfleet and save the universe time and time again and all I get is a plaque?

JELLICO: I told them they should have gone with a watch.

 

[jep]

Picard: "Says here that it's a Humpback Whale."

Jellico: "Humpback Whale? Aren't those extinct?"


.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: Do I have to?

Jellico: It's Starfleet regs, Jean-Luc. You have to do this before I'll return command of the Enterprise to you.

Picard: (sigh) Very well... *ahem* "50 Shades of Grey", as read by Jean-Luc Picard. Chapter one...

 

[jep]

Data: "... he thought he would embarrass the Fuhrer. "

Off Screen: "Fuhrer? What the hell are you talking about? And stop calling me Eneg!"

.

 

[jep]

Data's impersonation of Fran Drescher was not well received.


.

 

[Armored Saint]

RIKER: Wait, this isn't a phaser, it's an hair clipper!
DATA: Exactly! I decided to became XO by the Merovingian way!
RIKER: WHAT?
WORF: Shut up monk!

STEWART:...and according to my last contract, only people on these list can be casted as Captain: Bob Gunton, Kurtwood Smith, Ronny Cox, Michael Ironsi...nah scrap this last one!

DATA and RIKER: Sorry, but I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
TROI: ENOUGH!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: ...And I am requested and required to apologies for everything Commander Riker will say and do whilst you're in charge. It just saves time if I do it now.

Riker: Hey!

Worf: Right, how many times did we tell you, this is a stealth mission, so wear your stealth clothes?

Data: The captions are not that bad this week.

Q: So they think they can make up for leaving me out of season 5 with flowers?!

Riker: Right, I've had enough of all the "Fat" jokes, time to take drastic measures!

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW Leadhead!

Picard: Cabernet Sauvignon?
Jellico: No.
Picard: Tawny port?
Jellico: No.
Picard: Chablis?
Jellico: No.
Picard: Have you got any '47 Chateau Picard?
Jellico: Ah! We have the Picard, yes sir.
Picard: You do! Excellent.
Jellico:Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Picard: Oh, I like it runny.
Jellico: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Picard: No matter. Fetch hither the vin de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Jellico: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Picard: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Jellico: Oooooooooohhh........!
Picard: What now?
Jellico: Data's cat's drunk it.
Picard: (pause) Has he.
Jellico: She, sir.
Picard: (pause) Spumante?
Jellico: No.
Picard: Pino Blanc?
Jellico: No.
Picard: Petit Verdot?
Jellico: No.....

Data: Now iz ze time on Schprockets vhen ve dance.
Worf: Touch ze monkey!
Riker: I think I'll take the Melbourne after all. Even though Wolf 359 already happened.

Riker: When Doctor Crusher gets back you can let her take care of your bikini wax.

"Roses are red,
Cytherians are luminescent,
You say croissant
Like Wesley is pubescent."

Riker: Mister Worf - Fire!
Nurse Ratchet: Orderly!

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW!!

PICARD: I would like to end the handover ceremony with a short poem... roses are red, violets are blue, Jellico's an ass, enjoy being his crew.

RIKER: OK, OK, I'll wear black too!

TROI: Will! Your thoughts! They're so... filthy! SO! MUCH! PAIN!!!

Delivery for Mr Mike Crotch. Hey, has anyone seen Mike Crotch?

Starfleet Health Insurance sucked.

 

[Armored Saint]

JELLICO: Why do I feel this is a trap?

Q: My dear Q, I resign from Starfleet, have fun with Jellico, your friend Jean-Luc.

 

[2takesfrakes]

Frakes: "Go ahead Marina - do it! Punch me, right in the chin. Give it your best shot. I won't feel it. No ... really ... go ahead! Punch me really hard, in the chin ..."

Spiner: "I'm sorry Marina ... I tried to stop him bugging you, but he's been going around, asking everybody."