TNG Caption This! 308: The day LeadHead broke the server

[LeadHead]

Hello Captioners! This is gonna be one for the books! Between the normal awards, special awards and the one time only awards for this week, it's gonna be an awardapalooza in here! Captain, give the word.

First up to the plate, we have the "Scary Universe" Award, going to:

Worf: But in the early 21st Century, Nobel Prize Winner Jenny McCarthy warned us all of the dangers of vaccinations!

Crusher: Wow, your reality is really messed up. Perhaps you should just stay in this one!

Next, we have the "Missed the Point" Award, going to:

Data: "Mr. Worf, I am sure you will be pleased to know that Lieutenant Ogawa's body temperature is now reading a perfectly normal 98.6 degrees. Thankfully, her condition of being 'incredibly hot,' which you mentioned to me in the corridor, was apparently a temporary abnormality."
Ogawa (thinking): "Awkward..."

Next, we have the "Alternate Reality" Award, going to:

Crusher: Captain, The Pegasus is approaching...

Worf: Weren't you assigned there once?

Riker: *nods* I shot Pressman when he tried to cover up an accident. God knows how many tragedies I averted that day

Batting Clean up, we have the "Racism, Much?" Award, going to:

Picard: The spoonheads serve Starfleet?

Next, we have the "Senior Tour" Award, going to:

Riker: Ship's Best Betazoid Lay, ages 30-35. I can't believe it.
Worf: Do not worry, sir. There is always next year. You will be in another bracket.

Next, we have the "Temporal Investigations" Award, going to:

CAPTAIN'S LOG: Day 9295. The time-travel experiment remains a great success; the inhabitants of this era continue to treat me as if I'm this Patrick Stewart.

The Photoshop Award, goes to:

Picard: "I'll ask one more time. How many d-.."

Riker: "There are..... FOUR PICARDS!"

Data: "Commander, I believe there are actually five..."

Riker: "Did anyone ask you, tin man?"

The Multi-Picture-Caption Award, goes to

Worf: Doctor stop it. You're making me angry.
Crusher: Calm down, Worf. This'll just take a second.
Worf: You won't like me when I'm angry...

Ogawa: You can see here where the hypospray was inserted. Death would have been slow and painful for her.
Data: Do you have anything to say for yourself, Lieutenant?
Worf: I warned her she wouldn't like it.
[beat of uncomfortable silence]
Ogawa: So, since no one said anything about it, I take it I can keep the coat.

Captain's Log Stardate 47685: We've just encountered an alternate Enterprise where that bearded, pie eating dim witted sex maniac actually made Captain. Sucks to be them.


Captain's Log Stardate 47685: We've just encountered an alternate Enterprise where that bald, cowardly frigid French git is still Captain. Sucks to be them.

Data: "Mr. Worf, would you clear up a matter of Earth's 21st Century history for me?"

Worf: "I'll try."

Data: "According to the great pundit David Letterman, Jorge Bergoglio, who we now know as Pope Francis, had previously been a relief pitcher for the Yankees."

Worf: "So what's the big deal?"

Data: "I have done some research, and there is no way Bergoglio could have been a Yankee."

Worf: "Why not?"

Data: "Because he was a Cardinal."

DATA: As you can see, Spot keeps changing breed and gender.

Riker: "Does something seem different to you?"

Worf: "I think Wesley did something different with his hair."

Riker: "Yeah, that must be it. Ah well, back to work. Set a course for Earth. Death to the Federation."

Whoooo! Okay, 12 awards from a single contest, that's gotta be a TrekBBS record! Many thanks to all who participated and congratulations to all of our winners!

With that, we have completed our special 300th contest celebration of going through the seasons of TNG! Had a great time with it, I hope you did too.

And now, we Caption!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Worf: 12 winners?!

Riker: Yeah, then the moderators came for LeadHead. It wasn't pretty.

Picard: Listen posters, if you're gonna do urine jokes here, at least make them tasteful- GAH!

Picard: Number One, when you suggested this course, you didn't tell me that it took us through the Red Nebula District.

Worf's newest security trainee was not particularly brave.

Picard: So then, I made it so!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: It's all right, Counselor. I'm sure we erased your mother's sex tape. I think.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Leadhead, I love you like Worf loves being flung into an alternate reality where he can have no string sex with normally out of limits co-workers.

Dorn: I don't understand this contract...

Frakes: Basically, Spiner and Stewart still piss all over us.

The photo from his meeting with Patrick Stewart Leadhead didn't want you to see.

Everyone Else in the Room: Wow, what a stunning Nebula!

Picard: Geez, this clowns are so boring just staring at my own reflection is more fun.

Ensign Snark: Well I can see the two reasons Worf made you Lieutenant before me.

Captain's Personal Log: There are days that don't end with me wishing Troi dead.



I just can't remember the last one.

 

[T'Girl]

Worf: "Jury duty?"

Ensign Snark: Well I can see the two reasons Worf made you Lieutenant before me.

Lieutenant Rack: "At least I have something protruding from the front of my uniform."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Riker: "Well, Worf? Care to explain that photograph?"
Worf: "That is not me."
Riker: "It is you!
Worf: "Then...that is not Counselor Troi."

Picard: "What a glorious sunset!"
LaForge: "Uh, 'nebula,' sir."
Picard: "Whatever."

Stewart: "There, there, Marina. It's just a simple character swap. I know you were looking forward to playing the security chief, but I'm sure ship's counselor will turn out to be a totally kick-ass role!"

 

[shivkala]

Thanks again for the win, Leadhead. I think I speak for us all when I say a universe where Jenny McCarthy was a Playmate and then faded into obscurity is a universe we'd all want to live in.

Worf: I just do not understand, I have taken this, "Which Enterprise Crewmember Are You Must Like" quiz five times and I keep ending up with Wesley!

Picard vowed, from this day forward, Wesley would no longer be allowed to watch R. Kelly videos.

Data: No, sir, I just do not see how that nebula cloud looks like Dr. Crusher and you doing this "doggy-style," you speak of. And I highly suggest you cease your efforts to convince me, as the Doctor is due to arrive here at any moment.

Riker: For the record sir, I totally see it.

Worf: I swear this is the last assignment I take where there is any chance of being around Ferengis...

Picard: Now, now, Counselor, there's no need to cry. Listen, if you promise not to say anything, I'll just say you passed your starship driver's test. I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen from giving you your starship license?

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: What is it,Troi? What are you sensing?

TROI: Brain freeze,actually. I just had some chocolate ice cream.

 

[Triskelion]

Worf: Sir. Commander Data is emailing again. This one has Spot dressed up like a Starfleet officer on a Klingon ship. It says "Smile wen u eat the cheezburger."

Riker: I warned him about those LOLspots.

I knew someone was stealing the ship's supply of Chateau Picard - but pouring it down the toilet is unconscionable! <Tastes stream> Ah, the '68.

Picard: Boothby?
Data: No sir. That is your reflection.

Maybe it was the faint aroma of the Klingon Splorcht in Commander Worf's flatus reminding him of the aging patina of Weltschmerz in the eyes of the strippers in that Qo'nos gentlemen's club; or the way the sniveling Ferengi took him back to all those summers gutting space fish at the Altair Aquatic Lifeform Hatchery - but when he looked at Ensign Gina Tonic fresh from the vole massacre, still reeking of entrails, breasts heaving with the exertion of manual slaughter, he saw her as if for the first time - and knew she was at long last, the one who would understand his Rigellian Waxing fetish.

Picard: There there, Counselor. You can't help it if you're unable to shrink heads. It's a silly superpower when you think about it. I'm still glad I brought you aboard. But those popinjays at the Starfleet Psychological Board are in for a nasty missive, I tell you.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Ah. Nothing like sunset. Totally worth bringing the ship into the planet's atmosphere, disrupting its ecosystem and contaminating the local population.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Worf: "... yes Commander. Just one minute..."
pushes button.
Riker: "This is important, Lieutenant."
Worf: "Yes sir... um..."
rotates screen
Riker: "Worf! That isn't a PADD, is it?"
Worf: "No sir."
Riker: "It's a mirror, isn't it?"
Worf: "A Klingon needs a little... 'me time', sir."

"Captain's Personal Log. It's been two weeks since Data's cat, Spot vanished into a Jeffries tube. System outages require that the cat be recovered immediately. A captain needs to set an example for his crew, and I will take on those tasks that lesser captains would delegate. 72 hours into the search, this is the third time that Spot has peed on me. I am considering surrendering the ship to the cat..."

Picard: "The Mutara Nebula... It is rumoured that there are still vestiges of the Genesis Wave resonating through the energy matrix."

Riker: "Give it up sir. If the Baku planet couldn't do it, this surely isn't going to give you back a head of hair."

Ensign Snark: "Ten strips of latinum says the Ferengi Ambassador will climb all the way up Worf's ass."
Lieutenant Rack: "Twenty says that Worf will kill him before he gets his oversized head in there."
Worf: "I'll take that bet."

On Picard's ship, anyone who excels in facepalming gets a pat on the back from the Captain.

 

[T'Girl]

Riker: "Well, Worf? Care to explain that photograph?"
Worf: "That is not me."
Riker: "It is you!
Worf: "Then...that is not Counselor Troi."

Riker: "Fine, then what about the donkey?"

 

[jep]

Picard: "Wow, the only thing that...

LaForge: "...would make this better is..."

Data: "...some Pink Floyd!"

Beverly: (Off screen) "And some of this sweet mary jane I have."

Riker: "Righteous."


.

 

[jep]

Picard: "Uh-oh..."

Riker: "He stabs at who from where?"


.

 

[jep]

Riker: "You know what they say, Worf. Small PADD, small..."

Worf: "If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand."

Troi: "It's Worf.... it's... small."

Picard: "It's not the size of the PADD that counts, Counselor, it's how Worf uses it."


.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Bridge to sick bay, got anything for Betazoid flare-up?

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Be careful, Captain. The alien's blood is like acid.

PICARD: Now he tells me.

 

[T'Girl]

Marina Sirtis would occasional resort to writing her lines on the palm of her left hand.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Pull!

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Thoughts, Mister LaForge?

LAFORGE: I think I'm out of a job.