TNG Caption This! 305: I, Caption

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Lets get down to business!

First up to the plate, we have the "A Great Man" Award, going to:

WORF: I don't know who exactly "Harry Mudd" is, but remind me to thank him.

Next, we have the "Customer Satisfaction" Award, going to:

DATA: You have made a good choice. Consumer reports has rated my sexual performance even higher than a real doll.

Next, we have the "Don't Screw this up Wesley!" Award, going to:

Picard: Would you do me the honor of making me your baby daddy?

Wesley: You're not my real dad!

Beverly: Shut up, Wesley! He's got a job and a car!

Wesley: It's a dune buggy!

Next, we have the "Reverse Psychology may be in order..." Award, going to:

LAL: My father has informed me that you are a 'bad seed' and forbidden me from seeing you. According to my research into human teenage mating rituals, I should now be extremely attracted to you.

Next, we have the "Popularity" Award, going to:

Q: "I have some flowers here for a 'Deanna Troi.' The card says, 'From the UFP Fifth Fleet.'"
Troi (OS): "Not funny, Q!"

First Officer's Personal Log: "Met an interesting new bartender named Lal in Ten Forward today. Looked to be going in an interesting direction, until her father turned up. You will not believe who her father is... The second piece of bad news turned out when I learned when her birthday is....

I've been staring at the wall of the brig for the last four hours now... My lawyer has advised me to use the Ocampan defence."

Q walks in two minutes later on old-Picard and young-Batanides
Q: "Well, I'll never unsee that."

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congratulations to our winners!

In news that you might not yet know, I just started a new contest in the TOS Forum, I'm filling in for MANT! for awhile. The TOS contest has been sitting around for awhile, I hope we can get her back up to full power again!

The Captain's Log Award is going great! Loving the entries we're getting for it. Looking forward to seeing what we get for it this week!

And finally, we're back to our 300th contest journey through the TNG seasons! We pick up at Season 5 with on of the series' best episodes: "I, Borg."

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Riker: (singing) There's a bright golden haze on the meadow...

Picard: Mister Worf.

Worf: Captain?

Picard: Fire at Will!

Picard: Don't think that I'm ignoring you, Counselor. It's just that I'm waiting for Security to drag you out of my Ready Room.

Picard: As you can see, Borg Drones become Mimes when cut off from the Collective.

Guinan: So, did you tell Beverly about Vash before Vash came abaord?

Data: this shape will cause significant distraction to the Borg... and Chief Engineers.

 

[Finn]

Hugh: I'm originally from Species 230. Our traditional greeting is playing Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the log win...

Riker: "I speak to you on behalf of the Federation..."
Picard: "Here we go again..."
Troi: "Commander Blunderbuss is about to pontificate."
Worf: "I wish this were a Klingon ship. I could kill him."

Troi: "Captain, what are you doing?"
Picard: "I'm looking at schematics."
Troi: "Is that really what you are doing?"
Picard: "Here. Look. Schematics, see?"
Troi: "Yes sir. Anyway, the bridge crew request that you turn down the volume when you examine your... schematics. The screaming orgasms are distracting them from their duties."

Picard: "Anyone tell him that the forcefield is off?"
Crusher: "As near as we can determine, it looks like the Borg have assimilated a mime."

Guinan: "That's my towel."
Picard muffled: "I know."
Guinan: "Will you stop sniffing it? It's creeping me out!"

Data: "It's based on one of Lieutenant Yar's sex toys. I could never figure out how she used it."
Geordi: "We realised that if it could drive Data into locked subroutine, it might work on the Borg too."

Captain's personal log. Starfleet's new directive on uniform regulations came in. Once again they reiterate that all enlisted personnel are required to wear duty uniforms. Once again, I decided not to pass this information on to the counsellor. What? And give up my daily dose of camel toe?"

 

[TommyR01D]

Had to remove this first one. Even that small, the image fiolates BBS rules.

Picard learned the hard way to check who was in the room with him first.

Data: The party is not pleased with your actions, Jean-Luc.

Geordi: A runabout is here to take you to the Ministry of Love, and there you will be purged of your dangerous thoughts.

 

[Isis]

Crusher stopped her tests on Riker, having decided the bug up his posterior was a proverbial--rather than a literal--one.

Troi: "If you insist on discussing my competence as a ship's counselor, you'll have to shut off that porn first."

Unfortunately, the Borg drone just couldn't get jazz hands.

Only too late did Picard start to wonder whether making the locker rooms co-ed was such a good idea.

Captain's log, Stardate 45345.6. We've been to the far reaches of the galaxy, but this new mall has us totally confused.

 

[Isis]

Picard: "Mr. Data, can you tell us yet why the ship is unable to move?"

Data: "Captain, if this diagnostic is showing an accurate image, I am afraid we are stuck in a humongous spider web."

 

[Mojochi]

Riker: Computer, realign inertial dampers. I'm tired of the ship lilting to the starboard

Worf: Drop a few pounds

Captain's log: Recommendation for a posthumous awarding of the Starfleet Medal of Honor to Lt. Ian Andrew Trio. The man must have been a saint

Hugh: I still love you, Locutus. Removing your rectal implant will never change that

Picard: It's far more laborious than I'd expected, running our own bakery

Data: Oh sure, I spend 10 minutes coming up with a computer graphic & you are mesmerized like Spot & a ball of string, but spend a week learning to dance for O'Brien's wedding, & I am a laughing stock

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Romulan vessel! Please withdraw before someone starts quoting Shakespeare, or as I like to call it, the Godwin of starship brinksmanship.

Romulan: We like the cut of your jib, Commander. As you wish.

Picard: Hrmph.

Troi: Captain, I've told you there is no actual "Any" key.
Picard: Yes, Counselor. Send in Commander Data on your way out.
Troi <mumbling>: I swear to @#$% Sha Ka Ree....

Hugh: Locutus, you left without choreographing our closing number, We are Vogue.

Picard: I just watched "Roots." I'm so ashamed I gave Geordi a promotion and a raise.
Guinan: Ahem.
Picard: Oh very well, I'll watch The Color Purple tonight.
Guinan: Better believe that.

Data: As you can see, Captain, my excretion port is exit only.
Picard: Yes Data, but I was asking you about the Borg.
LaForge: I could reroute the backflow junction with a bypass....

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Thanks for the double win!

Deanna tries to suppress a giggle as she notices Worf making fun of Riker's rigid posture.

PICARD: Deanna, we need to talk. You need to stop saying 'I'm sensing anger' when the person is obviously angry.

PICARD: Why do you want to go back to the collective so bad?
THREE OF FIVE: Borg pair up biological mates by adding four!
PICARD: ...Get this man back to the collective immediately!

PICARD: You won't tell the crew you beat me ten times in a row, right?
GUINAN: We've been live broadcasting this to the entire ship.

GEORDI: Data, this report says nothing! It's just a bad 3d rendering that vaguely shows the shape of the anomaly.
DATA: Yes. You instructed me to 'dumb it down', when explaining complicated science to non-engineering types, such as...
GEORGE: *cough* Data, SHUT UP!

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Thanks for the report Cameltoe....I mean Counselor Troi. Damn.

PICARD: Ha ha, very funny gentlemen. Now let's see the real schematic.

DATA: That is the real schematic.

PICARD: Really? I was hoping for something more futuristic than a back lit piece of plastic.

 

[Triskelion]

Troi: "Touché, Captain. Touché."

Picard: I want my money back....

 

[inflatabledalek]

Riker: Borg? Buncha pussies. I can blow them up without breaking a sweat.

Picard: Ah, Counsellor, thank you for coming. I've finally found something useful for you to do. Could you move my monitor a bit closer to me please?

Picard: Ah... you mean Counsellor Troi.

Captain's Log: Stardate 45.567: Everyone in the crew has decided this Borg is awesome for saying "I". When I was a Borg who said "I" they just tried to kill me. Bastards.

Data: And this is the percentage of horsemeat in Tesco burgers.

 

[Triskelion]

Hugh: Help me, Locutus. You taught me how to wear one glove like Michael Jackson but I cannot perform the moonwalk in magnetic boots.

Picard: Perhaps that's the most pernicious program of all. "Thriller" being spread throughout the Collective, in that brief moment, might alter them forever. We leave his memory intact.

 

[MickJo1701]

Picard: Its my ship and I'll review the visual security logs for whatever reason I see fit!

 

[shivkala]

Worf: Personal Log: Today the Captain made Commander Riker stand for hours during his duty shift. He claimed Riker knew the reason why. This caused me to wonder what in the name of Kahless I must have done to have to stand at my station for the past few years.

Picard: Look at the nacelles on her!

Troi: Excuse me, Captain?

Picard: Ah, the ship, Counselor, I was talking about the ship.

Troi: Sorry, sir, I just thought...

Picard: You just...oh, oh no Counselor, that would be highly unprofessional of me. I wouldn't dream of making comments about you like that.

Troi: Sir, I can't apologize enough for my misunderstanding...

Picard: Think nothing of it, Counselor. Now if you could just stand there for a few minutes while I finish up...Oh man, and that saucer section, the things I could do to that!

Picard: Okay, seriously, this time I did lower the force field, you can touch the area in front of you without getting zapped. I promise.

Hugh touches it and gets zapped

Picard: Tenth time he fell for it, and it's still funny!

Guinan: Still think going as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to this year's Halloween party was a good idea, Captain?

Picard: Very nice work, Data.

Data: Sir, if I may inquire, what do you plan to do with it when we're done.

Picard: Don't worry, it'll go on the fridge like all the other schematics you've made for me over the years, Data.

Data: Promise?

Picard: Yes, Data. Now go be a good android and get yourself ready for your power-down cycle. I'll be in to tuck your cords in once I'm done talking to Geordi.

Data: Can Geordi and I have a sleepover, please, please?

Picard: No, Data, both of you have a duty shift early tomorrow.

Data: We will behave ourselves, I promise.

Picard: Data, don't push it...

 

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: I don't understand, why the sudden interest in how I payed for College?

PICARD: No reason.

 

[Vassa]

Riker: (jumps up from his seat, screams) The Borg? NOOOOooo!! (Runs toward turbo lift, as the camera follows, the doors open, Riker jumps in and spins around and screams) No! NO! NOOOOO! (Doors close, camera cuts to shot of crew, everybody sits in an uncomfortable silence for a moment then Worf walks down to stand next to Picard)
Worf: "The Borg, sir."

Picard: "Ahh, Counseler, you wouldn't have any idea what has happened to Number One's self-confidence would you?"
Troi: Do you know who has to listen to all his "Risa this" and "Risa that" crap do you? Every day, Captain. Every Damn Day!"

Picard: Well hello my little viral infection.

Picard: (Muffled by the towel)"Oh god does this remind me of how we met."

Picard: "That's it? "
LaForge: "Well sir I know it doesn't look like much but,..."
Data (interrupting):"It is a two dimensional representation of a four dimensional mathematical construct, sir. What do you want, Fireworks?"

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Alien vessel! I am Commander Ugly-Bag-of-Mostly-Water, this is Captain Darmok-and-Jihlad-at-Tanagara, Counselor One-Moon-Circling, and Lieutenant Prune Juice.
Troi <whispering to Picard>: It was just a dare!
Worf <grumbling>: "Lieutenant Prune Juice?" I would kill him where he stands - if he were any other man.
Alien: Uh, nice to meetya, kthx. <ship pulls away>
Picard: Thank goodness I don't have to stand beside Captain Pectoralis from Planet Latisimus Dorsi IIX.

Picard: I want your opinion on the color of the carpet.
Troi: Why me, exactly, Captain?
Picard: Commander Riker said you were an expert on trimming -
Troi: I'm going to stop you right there, sir.
Picard: Sorry Counselor. It's not my fault. You see, the Borg implanted me with a microchip.
Troi: No, they didn't.
Picard: Maybe it was that Cardassian, then.
Troi: Or maybe it was Q.
Picard: Yes! Q.
Troi: Sigh - Is that all, Captain?
Picard: That is all, Counselor.
Troi: <Leaves> Stop watching my rear end, please.
Picard: Q!

Picard: Well then who's Third of Five?
LaForge: Yes.
Picard: I mean the fellow's name.
LaForge: Hugh.
Picard: The guy who is Third of Five.
LaForge: Hugh.
Picard: The Third of Five Borg man.
LaForge: Hugh.
Picard: The guy designated...
LaForge: Hugh is Third of Five!
Picard: I'm asking YOU who's Third of Five!

Picard: All I was trying to find out is what's the Borg's name that's Third of Five.
Guinan: No. Watt is Second of Five.

Picard: I get behind the transport enhancer to do some fancy shooting, Tanagara's scanning on my team and a heavy engineer gets up. Now the heavy engineer shunts the plasma flow through a multiphasic field. When he shunts the plasma flow through a multiphasic field, me, being a good captain, I'm gonna shoot the guy out at base camp. So I pick up the phase rifle and throw it to who?
LaForge: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Picard: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Data: Oh. I see what is going on here.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Hugh: No, no, Captain, just wait a minute...don't return me to the Collective, just let me demonstrate how much I've learned about humanity.

(pause)

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