Question for the Parents on TrekBBS

[Tom Hendricks]

I have three kids under 4 years old, so I'm in the thick of behavioral correction all the time. While I have had no reason to spank my kids yet, I don't think it's something I would take off the table. We use a lot of Time Outs, Taking Away of Prized Items and Count Downs. Children are very frustrating, they know how to pick at every last nerve. While I would never use Violence to correct violent behavior, I think it only reenforces the violent behavior. I can see where a spanking to correct seriously dangerous behavior to themselves or others could be used.

 

[Kirby]

I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old. We spanked my son (the 10 year old) a couple of times because of some repeated bad behavior that didn't go away when we tried other methods. I don't think the spanking worked, nor do I think it worked for me as a kid, except to create a fear of pink hairbrushes (my parent's spanking device of choice). We've never spanked my daughter; Just the threat of taking away story time before bed is enough to get her to behave.

 

[marillion]

Two schools of thought at play in my house...

When I was a child and I said a bad word or lipped off, my mom would generally smack my mouth.. Not hard, mind you, just enough to let me know I was going down the wrong path with my language... Once in a great while, if I was bad, I'd get a spank on the butt.. Not multiple that I recall, just one and it was never hard enough to leave a mark..

The one day I was finally big enough to block my mom's hand as it went to slap my face was NOT a fun day for me, as my blocking of her swing only made her even madder!! That taught 'em not to pay for martial arts lessons! LOL!!

My wife, on the other hand, grew up in a house with a belt.. If she or her sibs misbehaved, they got a whack across the butt with a belt...

Fast forward to today... When our kids were small, I would, if the occassion called for it, administer a swat on the rear, mostly as an attention getter and only if the cause were serious... Spanking an already crying child is NOT a way to get them to stop....

My wife, on the other hand, has never, to my knowledge, done any spanking... The kids are both teens now, so there are no more spankings..

 

[mari]

My parents only ever needed to threaten us and we got into line. You can't discount the power of a well-practiced glower. I use that skill (apparently inherited) on my nephew and the students where I work - ages 2 through 22, it works.

OTOH, between the three of us girls, there was all sorts of physical violence. Usually for no reason more than "she looked at me funny" or "she was breathing my air".

 

[Kenbushway]

BTW full marks Kenb for an excellent thread topic.

Thank you.

Generally I don't think spanking is necessary or valid. There is plenty of research showing that people who were spanked as children are less successful in school, socially, and in the working world as adults than those who were not spanked. It's only a correlation, but it's something to think about.

Generally violence begets violence.

However, I've used generally very consciously, as I think there are circumstances when spanking, while still maybe not the best choice, is justifiable -- or at the very least, understandable. And I don't think parents who occasionally spank their kids are bad parents or should necessarily be chastised. I don't think as a regular recourse it is particularly effective, but, as Miss Chicken pointed out, sometimes children do things that are dangerous and are too young to be reasoned with. My mom hit me when I ran out in the road at age 2. She hit me twice growing up, and when your mother hits you only twice in your whole childhood, those instances stand out.

I agree with you, spanking as the only form of punishment doesn't work. My father made me write essays (not fun), groundings, etc. When I was grounded that meant just laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. Its actually where I got my huge imagination, because I couldn't fall asleep. I should have included a third poll option, as someone said here a nuclear option.

 

[milo bloom]

In 5.5 years we have not found sufficient cause to use spankings, we cannot think of anything bad enough that the proper answer would be to hit him.

He has pushed our buttons, and I have found myself more forceful than I should have in moving him along or putting him into his room, and I've always ended up feeling bad even about that.


Apropos of nothing, my wife told me just a few years ago that she still flinches when I take my belt off when getting undressed, not from anything I've done of course, but from her punishments as a child. A thirty-mumble year old woman still flinching? Anybody want to say that doesn't cause long-lasting harm?

 

[Kenbushway]

In 5.5 years we have not found sufficient cause to use spankings, we cannot think of anything bad enough that the proper answer would be to hit him.

He has pushed our buttons, and I have found myself more forceful than I should have in moving him along or putting him into his room, and I've always ended up feeling bad even about that.


Apropos of nothing, my wife told me just a few years ago that she still flinches when I take my belt off when getting undressed, not from anything I've done of course, but from her punishments as a child. A thirty-mumble year old woman still flinching? Anybody want to say that doesn't cause long-lasting harm?

Do you know if her spanking was excessive? Because I used to live a very fearful life but even I didn't flinch each time my father raised a hand or touched a belt. Yes harsh amounts of spanking as in it was the only punishment, can cause lasting harm no doubt. But as you can see on here people are using spanking as a last resort, I don't think that would cause long lasting effects.

 

[milo bloom]

In 5.5 years we have not found sufficient cause to use spankings, we cannot think of anything bad enough that the proper answer would be to hit him.

He has pushed our buttons, and I have found myself more forceful than I should have in moving him along or putting him into his room, and I've always ended up feeling bad even about that.


Apropos of nothing, my wife told me just a few years ago that she still flinches when I take my belt off when getting undressed, not from anything I've done of course, but from her punishments as a child. A thirty-mumble year old woman still flinching? Anybody want to say that doesn't cause long-lasting harm?

Do you know if her spanking was excessive? Because I used to live a very fearful life but even I didn't flinch each time my father raised a hand or touched a belt. Yes harsh amounts of spanking as in it was the only punishment, can cause lasting harm no doubt. But as you can see on here people are using spanking as a last resort, I don't think that would cause long lasting effects.

Even used as "last resort", it still feels like you're admitting that there's no other option and I just can't accept that. Even if it's repeat behavior, that uses time-outs or other things at first, then all of a sudden it's hitting, all that teaches a child is that you're not consistent. They don't learn not to do that behavior because they finally learn that it's wrong, they only learn not to do from fear of punishment (my wife and I also have no use for religion, I'm sure you can draw the parallels).

Too many parents see "misbehavior" as willful and that it needs to be quashed. Even if the child does seem to be actively engaging in a behavior that's not to your liking, that's what children do. Yes, they need to be shown the boundaries, that's what the parents are for. But not with hitting.

 

[iguana_tonante]

I only spanked my children when they did something dangerous and they were too young to reason with.

This is my position as well. As the father of a two-month-old, I wonder if can keep it. I hope so.

 

[Kenbushway]

I only spanked my children when they did something dangerous and they were too young to reason with.

This is my position as well. As the father of a two-month-old, I wonder if can keep it. I hope so.

When my father first spanked me on the hand it was because I was about to touch an electrical outlet, I was likely no more than 1-2 years old.

 

[iguana_tonante]

That's why you have socket covers.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I am not sure how old Kenbushway but socket covers were not available when my children were young.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Kenbushway is younger than me, and they were definitively available when I was a toddler.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I have been trying to discover when the first reliable childproof socket covers came on to the market but I am not having much luck with coming up with a date.

All I can say is that in the late 70s, early 80s they weren't readily available in shops in Tasmania.

 

[Kenbushway]

That's why you have socket covers.

There was something plugged into it, sorry should have put that in.

I am not sure how old Kenbushway but socket covers were not available when my children were young.

2/17/92. I am 20 about to turn 21.

 

[Peach Wookiee]

I think, when used rarely and on the right child, spanking can be used well. I say the right child because no two children will respond alike to it. My brother had it happen a couple of times and my mom only had to threaten it. My parents tried it on me... it did not work well.

 

[BillJ]

We've used it sparingly over three kids and twenty years. Usually just the act of doing it will give a child a reason to think about their behavior, it doesn't have to be painful to get the point across.

 

[B.J.]

That's why you have socket covers.

If you have a particularly clever toddler, they don't work at all. In fact, they may find it a fun game to pull them all off!

 

[Deckerd]

OTOH, between the three of us girls, there was all sorts of physical violence. Usually for no reason more than "she looked at me funny" or "she was breathing my air".

Tell me about it. Had 2 sisters. We all had girls only as offspring. I always remember on road trips my father reaching back (he has huge hands) and grabbing a leg, any leg, and squeezing. We were usually quick off the mark to get our legs up on the seat but occasionally someone would be too slow.

I only spanked my children when they did something dangerous and they were too young to reason with.

This is my position as well. As the father of a two-month-old, I wonder if can keep it. I hope so.

Kid psychology isn't difficult. Just remember that you're smarter than him and so long as he believes it, you'll be fine. The day he realises he's smarter than you is usually around the time he wants to borrow your car, so you still have the upper hand.

 

[Mary Ann]

OTOH, between the three of us girls, there was all sorts of physical violence. Usually for no reason more than "she looked at me funny" or "she was breathing my air".

Tell me about it. Had 2 sisters. We all had girls only as offspring. I always remember on road trips my father reaching back (he has huge hands) and grabbing a leg, any leg, and squeezing. We were usually quick off the mark to get our legs up on the seat but occasionally someone would be too slow.

It's a joke in my husband's family that he and his three brothers shared a bedroom with few problems, but the two sisters that shared a bedroom had to be separated. Fifty years on the sister who was the cause of that problem is still a troublemaker. Old habits die hard.

I only spanked my children when they did something dangerous and they were too young to reason with.

This is my position as well. As the father of a two-month-old, I wonder if can keep it. I hope so.

Kid psychology isn't difficult. Just remember that you're smarter than him and so long as he believes it, you'll be fine. The day he realises he's smarter than you is usually around the time he wants to borrow your car, so you still have the upper hand.

Pretty much. Also, be consistent, and follow through any threats you make. The latter has worked very well for me. My kids are now teens and preteens, and threats of having prized possessions temporarily removed still work as well today as when they were toddlers because the kids know I bloody well mean it. Consistency is vital to children, otherwise they will not be able to anticipate the consequences of their actions.