DS9 Caption Contest #65: What a fortunate turn of events!

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the win...

O'Brien: "... and these are the nozzles on Cardassian type three replicators dispenser tubes. Note the extra flanges to add a prestirred texture to Kanar and similar beverages..."
Bashir: "These... are your vacation slides?"
O'Brien: "Wait, we're getting to the good bit. The conduits around the secondary fusion reactors, the lead shielding is..."
Jadzia: "We could have gone to Sisko's recitation of the statistics from the 2025 World Series."
Kira: "I could have listened to Odo's review of petty crime reports..."

Kira: "What are you still doing here?"
Odo: "It's over."
Kira: "Go home."

Sisko: "You're telling me that Jadzia had a Curzon flashback during sex?"
Worf: "Yes..."
Sisko: "To that time when Curzon spent a week in a Klingon prison for..."
Worf: "Yes..."
Sisko: "And you're freaked out, because Jadzia freaked out."
Worf: "Worse. She seemed to enjoy it more."

Odo: "Am I chief of security aboard this station?"
Sisko: "Yes Constable, I have every confidence in you..."
Odo: "Then assume the position. I'm instituting mandatory body cavity searches of all the senior staff in case of hidden changelings."
Jadzia: "You just had to involve us in your sordid little sex games, didn't you Nerys?"

Mirror Sisko: "Do I look bad ass now, bitch!"
Intendant: "Shave your head, grow a beard and then we'll talk, my little Terran love toy."

 

[T'Girl]

No I do not do the Cardassian neck trick in the bedroom.

I want to asks so bad, but I won't.

 

[Nerys Myk]

OBRIEN: Okay, enough bloody sharing about bloody feelings. Lets drink!

JADZIA: Who has to die to get a real counselor on this station?

 

[Triskelion]

Dax: McDonald's sucks. Humans have no taste.
O'Brien: Tell it to the two hundred other Trill here, besides yourself.

Kira: Children? We'd name them after famous security guards, of course. Let's see, there's The Bodyguard and Paul Blart.
Odo: Didn't Steven Segal ever play a security guard?
Kira: No. Sigh - I checked.

Sisko: I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a bregit lung today.

Sisko: And now to the team-building exercise of the meeting.
Kira: This is the worst.
Dax: For crying out loud let's stop doing this crap.
Odo: Isn't there some other way we can all throw an hour out the airlock? Doing our jobs, for example?
Worf: I did not have a vision of Kahless at Boroth only to participate in such a farce.
Sisko: I know it sucks, people. I hate it too. I'm with you. Now let's all Gangnam style ironically. One two three...

To the anti-gravity wagon!

 

[Nerys Myk]

SISKO: Wait, your ATM pin number is 1234?

WORF: Yeah, it's also my computer password.

SISKO: No wonder Picard wanted you out of Security.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Sisko: Yippie-oh-ki-yay, motherf-
(explosion)

Reactions were universal when Jadzia Dax returned to Deep Space Nine wearing the tunic from her visit to Kirk's Enterprise.

Sisko: Okay, the Klingons have two corners of the board purchased, with hotels. But we're not FINISHED, people, we have the utilities!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Sisko: "Okay, let's try it again. From the top."
Worf: "I still do not understand the title of this dance."
Odo: "The 'French Mistake'? Hell, it could mean almost anything."
Dax: "I think it probably refers to something sexual."
Kira: "Yeah, you would."
Sisko: "Ah, one, two, three, four..."

 

[Nerys Myk]

ODO: Oh they're out there, Major. With their photoshops, their in-jokes and their innuendo. Out there waiting to insult and degrade us for a cheap laugh.

KIRA: And they're fans?

ODO: Frightening, isn't it?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kira: "Keiko...?"
Keiko (OS): "Yes. It's a school girl uniform. Two sizes too small. Miles asked me to wear it."
Odo: "Well...it's really none of our business..."

 

[Nerys Myk]

Kira: "Keiko...?"
Keiko (OS): "Yes. It's a school girl uniform. Two sizes too small. Miles asked me to wear it."
Odo: "Well...it's really none of our business..."

Keiko: "Yet you just snapped a picture using the camera on your tablet."

 

[Triskelion]

Quark: Major Kira, You know that smoky cloud of light thing Odo envelops you in?
Kira: Uh...
Quark: Yeah, he was picking your pocket. I want my dirty playing cards back, Odo!

O'Brien: All right, we've narrowed down the smell. Now which one of us is going to tell Worf about his halitosis?
<All look at Dax>
Dax: No way. I'm still paying for telling him about his overuse of capital 'H.'
Bashir: Honor.
Kira: House.
O'Brien: Hhhhhali-tosis.

 

[Triskelion]

O'Brien: I've asked you here to come up with a password for the station self-destruct.

Dax: Nine.
Kira: Six.
Bashir: Quark.
O'Brien:<drops pad> Oh, shart.
Computer: Quark Shart Sixty Nine enabled.

<All agree, get up and leave>

Odo, is that...the Founder?
I'm afraid so, Major. She moonlights as a Dabo girl at Quark's.
Those are some...epic knockers.
Yes they are, Major. Yes they are.

Sisko: I've found your contact lens.
Worf: Good. Now I can actually calibrate the station defenses.
Sisko: What the hell have you been doing all this time?
Worf: Whittling wheapons with Whil Wheaton.

Eyes open, people. It's got to be around here somewhere.

Sorry everyone.

In the future, Odo, when you see a vole, make sure the keys you throw at it say "Constable" and not "Custodian."

Jackpot! Kai Winn and Keiko in a pantomime horse.

 

[Ln X]

Sisko (o/s): Today people I think it's time we addressed the matter of those Cardassian latrines...

Silence follows...

Odo: So that's what Morn looks like naked.
Kira: He's so... androgynous...

Sisko: Are you really going to throw your career away just because this ship doesn't replicate mint frosting?

Sisko: So we pay our respects to captain Jellico-

<Dax spits on the floor>

Sisko: Dax now is the not the time for your jokes, I know Jellico was an asshole, but at least show the dead some respect.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Sisko: So we pay our respects to captain Jellico-

<Dax spits on the floor>

Sisko: Dax now is the not the time for your jokes, I know Jellico was an asshole, but at least show the dead some respect.

Dax: That's how Trills show respect.

Sisko: No, its not.

Dax: Meh, it was worth a shot.

 

[R. Star]

Sisko: Pew pew... pew pew!

Sisko: Did I ever tell you that I boned your wife in the mirror universe? Man she was HAWT!

 

[Ln X]

Sisko: So we pay our respects to captain Jellico-

<Dax spits on the floor>

Sisko: Dax now is the not the time for your jokes, I know Jellico was an asshole, but at least show the dead some respect.

Dax: That's how Trills show respect.

Sisko: No, its not.

Dax: Meh, it was worth a shot.

Kira: On Bajor you know we don't have funerals or commemorations like this, once the person has died the body is simply a shell.

Sisko: Okay! Is there anyone who actually cares that captain Jellico died in the line of duty fighting the Dominion? Anyone?

 

[Isis]

In the 24th Century, holiday parties were still awkward.

Bashir (OS): "You're out, Jadzia. I didn't say 'Simon says put your hands on your hips.'"

 

[Triskelion]

O'Brien <com>: A little to the left, sir.
Sisko: Wait - my left or your left?
O'Brien: Sir?
Sisko: My left or your left?
Kira: Chief, haven't you fixed the transporter molecular imaging scanner yet?
O'Brien: Working on it, Major. In the meantime stand perfectly still if you don't want to become Siamese twins with Captain Sisko.
Kira: What planet is that?
Sisko: Whose left?
Worf: It is no planet! He is referring to the conjoining of identical twins, Major.
Dax: Sounds like a good way to get a favorable performance review.
Kira: Why, Dax?
Dax: Simple; if you don't like your results, threaten to resign your commission. According to the Federation Charter, it would be considered illegal conscription to be forced into Starfleet activities. You could go wherever you wanted and the Captain would be forced, by mandate of the charter, to protect your right with his life.
Sisko: Here? My left or your left, Chief!
Worf: You do not know the Chief's orientation! If you were any other man....
Kira: I bet he would ask me to shave his head.
O'Brien: Just - don't move, sir. Standby for transport.
Sisko: Chief, don't rematerialize my head stubble.
O'Brien: I never do, sir.
Odo: I miss Gul Dukat.

 

[Isis]

The DS9-Cowboys & Aliens crossover was not well received.

 

[Triskelion]

Who does your goatee work, Worf?
Students of the Promenade Beauty Academy.
Can they restore eyebrows?
Mention my name for a five percent discount.