I need to run this by some people...
- Thread starter Kommander
- Start date
She liked it, so it worked. When I write stories, I don't even understand them fully, it's perfectly understandable if others don't. I'm sure I'll tell her what I was doing eventually, and then she'll tell me I'm an ass, and we'll go from there.
Yeah, I look nothing like him. I'm also not a Welsh actor, no one's ever mistakenly thought my name is Barry, and I've never had sex with a melon (at least, no one can prove that I have.) I look like this:
Yes, I'm wearing eye liner.
^^ Shrink that down and enter it in the new Avatar Contest. 
How about just telling her that she seems like an interesting person and that you would be interested in getting to know her outside of class? If she has another class after the one the two of you are in together, maybe she would meet you somewhere for coffee after that class?
Some people just cannot wrench themselves away from the drama of subtext.
I haven't asked her for any contact information, she does not appear to have a Facebook page, and I don't have class with her again until Tuesday. It doesn't occur to me to ask these kinds of things. Hell, I had been talking to her regularly for a month before I knew what her name was...
What? There's no way things like this are that simple! I'm pretty sure I have to wait until the planets align under a full moon and the second stage of the prophecy reveals itself. Even if that's not necessary I should probably consult the ancient texts or cast some runes or something. Also, donning the ceremonial garb. That's usually important.
Dude...
1) Learn basic facts such as her name early on in the small talk process (as in, two minutes or less).
2. READ THE GUIDE!
You don't want her contact information or Facebook profiles access for its own sake, you want some of her time. Visualize a shared activity and suggest it to her.
How's it going with that guide anyway, do you get lots of people to read it? Do you get interesting responses? I think you should put it up in blog form.
I know there's a stereotype about Trekkies and everything, but, am I really coming off like I've never talked to a woman before and I don't know how social interaction works?
Don't answer that.
I'm not anxious about this because I don't know what to do, I'm anxious about it because I'm starting to like this girl a lot, it seems to be mutual, and feeling anxious in such a situation is natural. I could just pretend that the anxiety doesn't exist, but when I've done that in the past it doesn't actually help. So instead, I focus on the anxiety, I allow it to exist, and a lot of times, I try to make myself more anxious. When I do this, I work through it, eventually calm the fuck down. Even if I'm still slightly anxious at that point, it doesn't seem like a big deal and doesn't interfere with my actions as much.
As for the guide:
Don't answer that.
I'm not anxious about this because I don't know what to do, I'm anxious about it because I'm starting to like this girl a lot, it seems to be mutual, and feeling anxious in such a situation is natural. I could just pretend that the anxiety doesn't exist, but when I've done that in the past it doesn't actually help. So instead, I focus on the anxiety, I allow it to exist, and a lot of times, I try to make myself more anxious. When I do this, I work through it, eventually calm the fuck down. Even if I'm still slightly anxious at that point, it doesn't seem like a big deal and doesn't interfere with my actions as much.
As for the guide:
Um, yeah... I'm going to go ahead and not read it if that's okay with you.The Guide said:
I doubt anyone outside of the BBS crowd here has read it. I've never been emailed about it, alas. And I lost the original download count even before Megaupload went belly-up.
That, and the other things I said, probably sounded a bit more mean than I meant them.
I have a problem with dating guides in general, not just yours, Gaith. As I said, I haven't read it, but I have read at least a hundred others. Best case scenario, they contain mostly factual information, but information that's pointless in the context of a dating guide. At worst, they teach people to be manipulative or even abusive.
The harmless ones tend to talk a lot about confidence and treating dating like it's not a big deal. First of all, if it wasn't a big deal, there wouldn't be thousands of fucking dating guides, and there'd be no need for relationship counselors and sex therapists, and I'd have to instead pursue a real career.
And yes, it's correct. Dating is much easier if one has confidence, just like everything else in life. While confidence is learned, it can't really be taught. Talking about confidence in a dating guide is like if the instructions with an IKEA bookshelf said "Assemble the pieces so they look like the picture on the box. It's not that difficult." Yes, that's true, but if one doesn't know how to assemble the pieces it does nothing to help, and probably makes them feel stupid.
Most of the time, the general point is "all women are like this, and want these things, so do this," or "all men are like this, and want these things, so do this," depending who they're targeted at. Despite the way it is very often presented, all men are not the same, and all women are not the same. Dating guides tend to focus on gender stereotypes which, while they do fit some people, are not representative of people in general.
The really dangerous ones present dating as an adversarial relationship: Men want the most amount of sex with the least amount of commitment, and women want to maximize commitment with minimal sex. If a man commits, he loses. If a woman is easy she loses. So, one has to manipulate the other into doing what they want. Explaining whats wrong with this set up would take a very long time, so I'll explain what's right about it. This is how narcissistic ass holes act. So if you're one of them, go for it.
I've no doubt that many dating guides are messed up. I don't think mine is a-hole friendly, nor does it exaggerate the ease of the matter, but that's a matter of details. If you'd like to discuss any specific aspects of the guide, I'd be happy to do so, but no hard feelings if you don't. Heck, as I wrote in it, I don't claim to be any kind of expert myself, just a frood with a few rudimentary tips. 
Ok this isn't really a dating guide, it's just straight reality for most cases:
Don't play games, you can be subtle but don't be coy and manipulate. Don't do the waiting to call thing; don't worry you're looking desperate (whether you are or not); there's nothing wrong with complimenting someone if you mean it (guys seem to thing they'll give a girl an attitude if they say something positive). Don't wait to ask someone out, it's easier just to ask.
Be yourself...up to a point. Don't pretend to be someone you're not (don't lie about your real day to day life) HOWEVER, there's nothing wrong with acting more confident than you might normally be, or simply put more energy into how you project yourself. This can actually be good practice for later on when you might actually become that.
Be direct, but not overbearing. I've found that simply saying what your wants or needs are are a lot more useful than waiting.
These are pretty general but also sensible, if someone can't handle that, then they arent for you. I would have trouble with anyone who wasnt honest and reciprocated. I've never had a girl turn me down for a date (or other things) unless she was already taken (again something to ask about early).
RAMA
Don't play games, you can be subtle but don't be coy and manipulate. Don't do the waiting to call thing; don't worry you're looking desperate (whether you are or not); there's nothing wrong with complimenting someone if you mean it (guys seem to thing they'll give a girl an attitude if they say something positive). Don't wait to ask someone out, it's easier just to ask.
Be yourself...up to a point. Don't pretend to be someone you're not (don't lie about your real day to day life) HOWEVER, there's nothing wrong with acting more confident than you might normally be, or simply put more energy into how you project yourself. This can actually be good practice for later on when you might actually become that.
Be direct, but not overbearing. I've found that simply saying what your wants or needs are are a lot more useful than waiting.
These are pretty general but also sensible, if someone can't handle that, then they arent for you. I would have trouble with anyone who wasnt honest and reciprocated. I've never had a girl turn me down for a date (or other things) unless she was already taken (again something to ask about early).
RAMA
A
Amaris
Guest
Just be yourself, Kommander! Sounds cliche, but it usually works. You have terrific personality traits. If you approach her, just lay it all out. No matter what, it's worth the effort. Good luck!
I have now read Gaith's dating guide.
Nice effort but way too much bowling.
Nice effort but way too much bowling.
Yeah, I didn't get that yours is a manipulative pick up guide, and you do state it's based on your own experiences and don't misrepresent it as "a proven method that has worked for trillions of men," so it's probably not as messed up as most. I may pick it apart later. And yeah, I'm not an expert either. I'd even go as far as to say that anyone that thinks they're an expert is either lying or delusional. Even once I have my Ph. D. I still won't ever claim to be an expert.I've no doubt that many dating guides are messed up. I don't think mine is a-hole friendly, nor does it exaggerate the ease of the matter, but that's a matter of details. If you'd like to discuss any specific aspects of the guide, I'd be happy to do so, but no hard feelings if you don't. Heck, as I wrote in it, I don't claim to be any kind of expert myself, just a frood with a few rudimentary tips.
Well, yeah.
On the "just ask" thing: This applies most to just meeting people randomly. If I get talking to a random stranger and she seems like someone I'd like, I'll ask her out or for her phone number or something. Because, if I don't, I won't have another chance. I'm in class with Creative Writing Girl twice a week, so I don't feel that sense of immediacy, so I do things like not exchange phone numbers and don't know her name for a month. Don't know her name? I'll just ask her on Tuesday. I forgot to ask for her number? Oh well, I'll get it from her on Thursday. I don't worry about it, and then when I'm actually talking to her I forget to do it.
When the "now or never" pressure isn't there, I usually don't even think about dating until I get talking to someone, decide I like her, and it seems like she likes me. While I started talking to her back in September, and I realized I was starting to be romantically interested in her about a month ago, I didn't catch on that she seemed interested in me as well until that day when she was concerned about me seeming upset and I gave her bracelets I made. Which, that would have been a good time to ask her out, but I was caught completely off-guard when she showed concern for me and was too distracted to do so.
For the sake of continued rambling, I have now moved on from being anxious about past dating experiences and how they suck. Now I'm anxious about, if everything is as it seems to be, and it's all taken into account, how this can still go horribly wrong. Here's what I came up with:
She's romantically interested in me, but has a boyfriend even though she probably would have mentioned it by now if she did. She's mono, so she's questioning why she's interested in me while with this boyfriend, and begins to wonder is maybe she doesn't really love him. However, she's made a commitment and has decided to not question it. Then I ask her out. She wants to date me, but feels she would be betraying her boyfriend. She thinks if maybe spending time with me would be okay, but she's not sure she can trust herself. She assumes that me being polyamorous means I don't respect the boundaries of other people's relationships and she can't trust me either. So, she starts avoiding me because it's the easiest way to handle the situation. I do not participate in cheating; if someone is in an exclusive relationship, they are off-limits to Little Kommander. She doesn't believe me when i tell her this, and she thinks it's weird that I call my penis Little Kommander.
If that's the worst I can come up with at this point, there probably is not going to be a problem here. Also, if I told her I've named my penis Little Kommander, she'd probably think it's funny.
Yes, but do I truly know myself? Am I familiar with the works of Xiang Yu?
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So have you named your penis after your user name or your user name after your penis?
Who and what Kommander is is difficult to explain. In some ways it's a stage name. It is also similar to how Bruce Wayne is Batman, but while Batman is a part of who Bruce Wayne is, he is only fully Batman when he is wearing the costume. There is no Kommander costume (if there was though, it would be awesome). Kommander is distinct from my real identity, and yet at the same time an inseparable part of who I am. Kommander is a fictional character that I play at all times. Kommander is that which I aspire to be but cannot attain, yet, at the same time, the embodiment of all that I am and nothing more.
According to the engraving on the Zippo lighter I have here, it's "The Kommander" and not simply "Kommander." Since I started watching Dr. Who a few months ago, I suspect I may be a time lord. That would certainly explain a lot.
According to the engraving on the Zippo lighter I have here, it's "The Kommander" and not simply "Kommander." Since I started watching Dr. Who a few months ago, I suspect I may be a time lord. That would certainly explain a lot.
