I need to run this by some people...

[Kommander]

Generally, when I have ideas that amuse me, I have a good sense if it's something that I can get away with, or if there will be negative consequences. Something like this I could get away with, whereas the consequences would outweigh the funny with, say, any amusing thought I have involving the TSA. However, I had a funny idea today that I really want to do, but I'm not sure how it will come off. So, I've decided to run it past you fine people.

There's this girl in my creative writing class that is awesome and I'm very much attracted to. From what I can tell, she feels the same way about me. However, neither of us is saying anything or acting on it. I'm not because I'm a huge chicken shit about asking girls out, and I'm hoping by leaving things unsaid at some point we'll just spontaneously start making out because real life is exactly the same as a romantic comedy. With her, it seems like she thinks I'm not interested in her, or she's waiting for spontaneous makeouts as well. I don't know, I'm not telepathic.

I thought the moment came last week. I made her some chainmail bracelets because I've noticed that women seem to like cheap jewellery as long as I make it myself. Right before I gave them to her, she pointed out that I seemed to be in a bad mood, and asked if I needed someone to talk to. I kind of was, but I don't know why. She was trying to be thoughtful, and then I get out the bracelets, showing that I'm thoughtful as well. She was taken completely by surprise and after a few moments of awkward silence, she said "I...have to hug you now."

Tuesday, we were back to not acknowledging anything. While leaving things unspoken is fun in some ways, I'd kind of like to get things going here, because subtle hints do not usually involve having sex and that is something I would very much like to do with her, among other things. So, that funny idea I'm not sure I should do that I mentioned:

Part of the creative writing class is reading things other people have written and filling out critique sheets. She asked me if I had anything I need reviewed on Tuesday, but I haven't written anything lately because I don't actually have to turn any more stories until the end of the month and I'm lazy. Later in the class, she said "You better have something for me to read on Thursday," but, well, it sounded less demanding when she said it. So, I figure she wants me to write something for her to read, I'll write something for her to read. I'll write about two people hinting that they're romantically interested in each other, not being direct, and being oblivious to the other person also being interested, throw in some references to conversations her an I have had, and title the story Story I Wrote Specifically for [Girl's Name].

My concerns are:

That she won't get it. Although, she seems to be reasonably intelligent, so she probably will.

That it's a bit much and I should just ask her out like a normal boring person. However, she's gathered that I'm rather intense at times and pull shit like this, and seems to like that about me, and I wouldn't want to disappoint her.

I am a HUGE chicken shit about asking girls out. Back in high school, there was this girl that I started developing feelings for, but she had a boyfriend and was monogamous so I didn't say anything. After they broke up, I told her how I felt and asked her out. She flipped out, and a few days later she called me into a meeting with some counsellors, acted like she was confronting me after a sexual assault, and left me feeling like a rapist. I've asked out plenty of girls since and nothing anywhere near as bad has happened, and I realize now that she was kind of very emotionally unstable and I did nothing wrong. But still, I am really fucking anxious every time because of that one incident and it is quite annoying.

So, good idea or what?

 

[Kirby]

As long as this thread doesn't get all MadBaggins-y, I'd recommend that you start small before asking her out. Simple, friendly conversations to start out and then eventually ask if she wants to get some coffee after class (give it at least two weeks of regular contact). Take it slow, and don't give her the impression that you're in love with her or anything.

Don't do that thing with the story, that's kind of creepy. Just write a good story man, make it light and funny. Don't make it personal, don't put her name, or pieces of conversations with her in it. just write.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I would write the story for her to read but I would not title it with her name. That way there's no pressure. With her name there it's kind of confronting because it puts her on the spot and she could worry that she will take it a way that you don't mean it and embarrassment could follow. I think if that's the sort of person you are the story is a great idea.

 

[Kommander]

As long as this thread doesn't get all MadBaggins-y,

My story about being in love with my cousin is much less interesting. No wrestling, no Batgirl, and most disappointingly of all, no dude named Thames.

I'd recommend that you start small before asking her out. Simple, friendly conversations to start out and then eventually ask if she wants to get some coffee after class (give it at least two weeks of regular contact). Take it slow, and don't give her the impression that you're in love with her or anything.

We're at this point already. Even if I'm misreading her apparent romantic interest, she has expressed an interest in spending time with me outside of class, we just haven't yet. And no, I'm not in love with her, not yet anyway.

Don't do that thing with the story, that's kind of creepy. Just write a good story man, make it light and funny. Don't make it personal, don't put her name, or pieces of conversations with her in it. just write.

Given the situation, It would most likely come off as me being a smart ass than being creepy. Also, this situation aside it does seem like a good subject for a story.

Also, I have spent plenty of time talking to her, she knows what my personality is like, and it appeals to her. If she was going to be creeped out by me, she would have done so already. The situation is more "It seemed like this was going on with us, so I wrote a story about it because it's a fun idea. Also, would you like to meet for coffee later?" and not "Hi, I'm in your English class. I know we've never talked and I don't know you at all, but I'm in love with you and I bought you this engagement ring. Also, can I sniff your panties?"

I would write the story for her to read but I would not title it with her name. That way there's no pressure. With her name there it's kind of confronting because it puts her on the spot and she could worry that she will take it a way that you don't mean it and embarrassment could follow. I think if that's the sort of person you are the story is a great idea.

That was mostly in response to her "you better have something for me to read on Thursday" comment. Something like "Since you had to be all demanding, not only did I actually write something, I wrote it just for you. I put you're name in the title and everything. Would you get off my ass now?" in a sarcastic tone.

Embarrassing myself I'm not concerned about. It happens plenty, I'm good at it, and it's usually funny. Embarrassing her is probably less desirable. Although embarrassing myself is probably more likely here.

 

[sojourner]

Nix the title of the story.

 

[sidious618]

Don't do the title, the rest is fine. I actually think it's a neat idea and I'm interested in hearing what happens with it.

 

[Kommander]

Nix the title of the story.

How about Story I Wrote Specifically for [Redacted] because She Was Being All Demanding about Having Something to Review Today?

Yeah, a title like Story I Wrote for [Girl's Name] kind of implies "I worked on this really hard because I want to impress you" whereas the reality is I'm going to half-ass for the next hour or two, go to sleep, and give it a quick edit tomorrow morning if I have time.

I'll see what I come up with before making a final decision on this. I'll also probably come up with a normal title.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

I'm the last person to be giving you advice on women, so I won't. Just wanted to wish you luck.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I think whatever title you use you should illustrate it with a train going through a tunnel.

 

[Kommander]

I'm the last person to be giving you advice on women, so I won't. Just wanted to wish you luck.

Years ago I thought the same thing about myself, yet now I'm going to school because I want to be a sex therapist when I grow up. Life is funny like that sometimes.

I think whatever title you use you should illustrate it with a train going through a tunnel.

I think instead I should include a picture of me licking half a grapefruit. I've got to appeal to my audience.

I finished the story. It's about a man and woman that met while on vacation getting ready to part ways. I wrote from the man's perspective, that hes' interested in the woman but is unsure if she's interested in him. I then copy/pasted the dialogue and wrote the same exchange from the woman's perspective, expressing similar thoughts. I also poked some fun at traditional gender roles, which might be of some use in my Psychology of Gender class. Might as well try to get more than one use out of it.

I changed the title to Oblivious. Seemed appropriate. I also managed to write a first-person female character and I didn't use the phrase "that time of the month" even once. That's got to be some sort of accomplishment.

I'll let everyone know how this goes tomorrow. I'd say it's 50/50 that I chicken out and tell the girl I didn't write anything.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I also managed to write a first-person female character and I didn't use the phrase "that time of the month" even once.

Women don't actually talk like that.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

I wouldn't do it. It's much too personal. Remember, she is supposed to read / review it in front of all the class. That'd be rather embarassing for her as she seems to be as shy as you are. And making her feel that uncomfortable would be the safest way to kill the relationship before it even started.

Write her a different story she can work on and give her the personal story as a present. You can say it's in return for the hug.

 

[Kommander]

I also managed to write a first-person female character and I didn't use the phrase "that time of the month" even once.

Women don't actually talk like that.

Women do a lot of things, and don't do a lot of other things. It comes up in conversation sometimes, but is not the central theme to every thought or conversation a woman has.

I wouldn't do it. It's much too personal. Remember, she is supposed to read / review it in front of all the class. That'd be rather embarassing for her as she seems to be as shy as you are. And making her feel that uncomfortable would be the safest way to kill the relationship before it even started.

Write her a different story she can work on and give her the personal story as a present. You can say it's in return for the hug.

The reviews aren't done in front of the class. There are papers to fill out. Only I will see it, and the teacher if I turn it in later, unless I show it to other people for some reason. I could read the story to the class, but I don't have to. Also, while we're both hesitant to overtly point out the apparent mutual attraction between us, neither one of us is particularly shy. Also, we're both writers, and used to sharing personal things in general.

 

[SmoothieX]

I'm the last person to be giving you advice on women, so I won't. Just wanted to wish you luck.

I got divorced 6 months ago, so this counts me out of giving advice too.

 

[Kestra]

I'm the last person to be giving you advice on women, so I won't. Just wanted to wish you luck.

I got divorced 6 months ago, so this counts me out of giving advice too.

Nah, you just can't offer advice about one particular person.

 

[SmoothieX]

She and I are still friends. It was the smoothest, least drama divorce you can imagine. We met for lunch a few days later before going our separate ways. Neither of us wanted our final memory of the other being in divorce court.

So I at least made the best of it. We met in college and 10 years later we just had different priorities and opinions.

 

[sojourner]

I also managed to write a first-person female character and I didn't use the phrase "that time of the month" even once.

Women don't actually talk like that.

Well, then I guess it's a good thing he made sure the character didn't talk like that.

 

[Emher]

Definitely not the directing it to her. Otherwise go forward as planned. And ask her out. Which I know is a really easy thing to say, Oh lords do I. But it's really the most efficient tactic.

 

[Kommander]

I'm the last person to be giving you advice on women, so I won't. Just wanted to wish you luck.

I got divorced 6 months ago, so this counts me out of giving advice too.

She and I are still friends. It was the smoothest, least drama divorce you can imagine. We met for lunch a few days later before going our separate ways. Neither of us wanted our final memory of the other being in divorce court.

So I at least made the best of it. We met in college and 10 years later we just had different priorities and opinions.

And yet, you see this as a failure? People change, and relationships change right along with them. You acknowledged this, decided to change your relationship, a parted on good terms. It may not have been an ideal solution, but it's far from failure. When people cling to relationships that aren't working even though they're miserable, and start blaming their partner for not knowing how to relationship properly rather than acknowledging that growing apart just happens sometimes and no one is to blame, that's failure.

Well, if she picked up on the subtext of the story, she didn't say anything. I have a habit of being either blatant or too subtle, and the story definitely is not an overt "I'm talking about us" kind of thing. She did like it though.

I almost asked her out. She has another class after the creative writing one, and I walked with her like I've been doing lately. Despite not getting the point of the story, I'm pretty sure she knew I was about to ask her out or ask for her phone number or something. She pretty much told me "I have stuff to do, like, right now, and I'm distracted. Let's pick this up again next week." So, nothing for now.

To clear some things up: as I said before, I want to be a sex therapist. Because of this, I'm a psych major focusing on human sexuality, and it's something I started studying long before I started going to school. People act a certain way and do certain things when they're attracted to someone, and act differently when they are not. I've become very good at spotting these behaviours. She's displayed all of them. Because I'm aware of what these behaviours are, I tend to suppress them unless I catch myself doing it and consciously prevent the suppression. Even when people don't know to look for these behaviours, they still pick up on them. It's possible she doesn't realise that I'm attracted to her as well.

However, being attracted to someone is different than wanting to pursue a relationship or date. The only way to know that for sure is to ask.

There is another complication. I'm polyamorous. Her and I discussed this briefly, and she didn't run away screaming as happens sometimes. I'm not currently involved with anyone else so it makes little difference for the time being, but if her and I do start dating, we're going to have to have several long discussions about it which I am not looking forward to, but really shouldn't be much of a problem. I've dated monos before, and if I'm not immediately shut out the conversations typically go smoothly.

The complication is that I tend to look at dating differently than most people. The way I prefer to do things is to just spend time with someone and let the type of relationship sort itself out. With typical dating, one is essentially auditioning someone for marriage. If I meet someone and a marriage-type relationship works for us, then great, but it doesn't have to bee that way. There is plenty of space between friendship and romance, casual sex and deep, loving bonds. The type of relationship I want depends on the person I'm dating and what works best for us.

Mono thinking seems more compartmentalized. Friendship is one thing, romantic relationships are another. Sex is either casual or part of a loving relationship. There's no middle ground. When I date, it's nice if romance develops, but I don't have the expectation that it will develop, and I don't want to push things in that direction unless it feels natural.

I've noticed many monos say they take the same approach to dating, that they prefer it to be casual with no pressure. Still, the expectation of romance is still there, there's still a social script to follow. When I date someone, or express an interest in dating someone, I don't want to follow a script; doing so interferes with communication. If I want something, I want to be able to ask without the other person assuming I'm going to be upset if I'm told no. If I'm concerned about something, I'd like to address it without the other person shutting down because it's not in the script. I want to focus on what we want and how things are rather than what we're supposed to want and how things are supposed to be. Not a lot of people are capable of communicating on this level, or even want to try. I struggle with it, but I'm learning.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Kommander, I think the story is a fantastic idea. Changing the title was probably a good call, but I think this is the perfect way to make a move on a fellow writer.