TNG Caption This! 269: Another day, Another dollar

[LeadHead]

Happy Saturday everyone! I know this is strange, but I'm actually gonna begin this one on time!

First up to the plate, we have the "Picard of Persia" Award, going to:

Crusher: According to this cheat site, we'll have to time our run for when the flame goes out. Then up a level we'll find the purple key!

Next, we have the "Precise Medical Analysis" Award, going to:

Crusher: Lucky for you you're a recurring character, otherwise it could have been fatal.

Next, we have the "Do you have a Reservation, Number One?" Award, going to:

Riker: Now that you mention it, from here it does kinda look like a hotel lobby...

Next, we have the "Can we please focus?" Award, going to:

Picard: Right Mr. Worf I want you to... hey, you're feeling pretty buff there. You been working out?

Worf: Time and a place Sir.

Next, we have the "Thinking things through" Award, going to:

Picard: "Suggestions?"

Riker: "Decompress the main shuttlebay the explosive reaction might kick us out of the way."

Data: "Captain -- I recommend we use the tractor beam to alter the other ship's trajectory."

Ro: "What? Are you trying to get us killed? Why not just lock on to it with the tractor beam, keeping a constant distance between us until their inertia dissipates from pushing our mass, or until we can re-fire the engines?"

Picard: "Data?"

Data: "Oops?"

No photoshops this time around, so I'll add an extra award here:

The "Frasier Award" shall be shared by these two:

Data: Incoming hail from the USS Bozeman, sir. Apparently, they are unsure what to do with all of their tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Hold on, they're calling again.

And...

Data: Captain, the Bozeman's communications officer, Roz, is asking us to 'hold' and you will next up to speak with Dr. Crane.

Picard: "Beverly, do you remember a couple of days ago when I was having trouble describing to you how my hemorrhoid pain felt...?"

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

Now, lets begin again!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Damn, I thought this actually was a pool table...

Picard: Oh, good morning Data. Wait- WHAT?!

Data: And this concludes Part 1 in our series of how to clean Red Shirts.

Worf: That's too complicated. Permission to start wearing gold?

Picard: Granted.

Riker: Worf, don't actually set your Phaser to "Frag!"

Deanna: Data, that's not from a real Nigerian Prince. It's a scam.

Data: Oops.

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: Hold that pose. I'm gonna add it to my collection of "Facepalm" threadbombs.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Gawd bless you Sir Lead of Head.

Stewart: *Thinking* The way you can tell I'm a classically trained actor is I'm the only only bugger to get the eyeline right.

Picard: That's not my leg raising the cover if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do.

I'm trying to say I have a massive penis.

Crusher [Offscreen]: Still not a chance Jean Luc.

Picard: ...And before your promotion to security chief Mr. Worf Commander Data will give you the same final entry exam he gave to Tasha.

Riker: OK, OK.... real men can wear make up. Please stop hitting us.

Troi: Am I memetastic yet Data?

Data: Sorry Counsellor, no one watching is looking at either your face or your palm. Though they may be putting their own palms to good use.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

Picard (thinking): "Ah, here it is...that blissful state between consciousness and sleep where the mind is open to a myriad of fanciful and fleeting thoughts such as...what if alien creatures with advanced optical telescopes are watching me through these windows right now... Oh, crap, now I'll never get to sleep!"

Data: "Do not worry, Counselor. Although I could not physically locate Commander Riker to inform him personally that he inadvertantly left his underwear and his trombone in your quarters last night, I did make a ship-wide announcement over the P.A. system, so I am confident he got the message."

 

[inflatabledalek]

Troi: OK, lets get this right... You can learn new words, yes?

Data: Correct.

Troi: And you use words with apostrophes in, yes?

Data: Correct.

Troi: So... why not just add contractions like "Can't" and "It's" to your vocabulary database as new words with the correct meaning so you can use them like everyone else?

Data: I can't do that Counsellor.

Troi: Eh?

Data: I can not do that Counsellor.

[Thinks]Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

 

[Ln X]

Wesley: Sir I-
Picard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Number one! Send this Wesley clone out of the nearest airlock!

TV: Here is the latest coverage from the Presidential election on Earth-
Picard: Computer! Change channel!

Data: If I may be so bold, may I suggest a mutiny?
Riker: What?

Worf: Apparently he used this to stimulate his member...
Riker: But he's dead, you would think he would have let go...
Worf: Perhaps, but giving where his hands were, he may have instinctually squeezed harder...

Troi: No Data! That is not how you ask a woman out!

 

[Nerys Myk]

It was best to pretend that the Captain never farts.

PICARD Would it kill Starfleet to install curtains or blinds?

RIKER: It clearly says "Kill". I've no idea why he's still alive.

 

[BriGuy]

Picard: Turn off that damn light!
Hey, that sounded pretty good... I gotta use a line like that on the bridge one of these days...

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Danar: Why am I laying on my back like this?

Worf: Because the Riker-bot is malfunctioning and we need you to check it. Here, use this phaser.

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Picard: "Buzz off, you damn idiot noncorporeal lifeform! I'm not the one you're supposed to be knocking up!"

Data: "-and for the record, Commander, my bum is still smoother than your face."

Riker: "Well, that explains everything. This phaser was set to 'Post-Traumatic Stress'."

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win, Leadhead!

Picard: I just don't get it, the map clearly shows a bathroom here, but, nothing. Where is a guy supposed to go to the bathroom around here?

Riker: I'm no Dixon Hill, Worf, but if I didn't know better, I'd say this guy was phasered to death.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "Hands on the table, Numbah One."
La Forge: "The artificial gravity has been restored in engineering, sir."
Picard: "Don't take chances, Mr La Forge."

rapidly pulls sheet down gasping for air...

Picard: "Computer, note in ships log. Broccolli and Cheese to be deleted from the replicator menu. Mon Dieu!"

Data: "About 53 millimetres lower, and rotate your palm clockwise by 25 degrees and 6 minutes."
Troi: "I'll perfect this facepalm thing if it kills me."

 

[Finn]

Beverly: (comm) Crusher to Picard

Picard: Picard here.

Beverly: Jean-Luc, the test results came back. The rash on your head appear to have come from Poison Ivy. Have you been walking through the bushes on Arboretum lately?

Picard: No, Beverly. I haven't been been to the arboretum in some time.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Data: Counselor, I realize that I am not completely familiar with human cultural idioms, but I do not believe that is the correct meaning of the term "facehugger."

 

[Merlanthe]

PICARD: Now what I am about to reveal is highly classified, only those who wear the red uniform symbolising command may know...

WESLEY: What about Geordie, he isnt wearing red?

RIKER: He used to wear red.

WESLEY: But he isnt wearing it now

PICARD: Oh for gaw...Geordie go change into a red uniform so that Wesley will stop pouting and we can continue the top secret briefing.

GEORDIE: And leave you guys alone in here? Last time I did that you accidentally ejected the warp core... besides if your briefing is so secret why are you holding it in engineering, this place is like the busiest part of the shop after ten forward...

PICARD:...

What the...what are you doing in here at this time of night...you want to WHAT!!!...I think you have the wrong room... No I'm certain you have the wrong room I'm a man and I cant get pregnant so there... seriously I think you want Councillor Troi, shes a couple of doors down, though how you could mistake me for her I dont know, I mean I'm bald for gawd sake...who is llia?

DATA: We have travelled through a rift in time back to the TOS era.

PICARD: Well that cant be good. Any suggestions on how to get home?

DATA: None as yet, but from what I have observed so far regarding this era I believe that I now outrank all of you.

PICARD: ...

RIKER: ...

WORF: At last someone with intelligence and common sense is in charge

RIKER: MY god Worf! The amount of dirt under those nails!

WORF: ...

RIKER: I've never seen such dirt, theres enough to sustain an entire eco-system under there!

WORF: ...

RIKER: You should go wash those immediately! Before the dirt becomes sentient and tries to destroy the ship!

WORF: You realise that I am the one holding the phaser here yes?

TROI: If i cant see him, he cant see me...if i cant see him, he cant see me... if i cant see him, he cant...

DATA: Councillor, I confess i may be inexperienced in such matters but shouldnt the game hide and go seek involve hiding behind something other than yourself?

TROI: Darn it!

 

[Kirby]

Hey thanks for the (shared) win!

Picard: What do you mean we can't play air hockey on it? This is the damn 24th century, and I'm the Captain. If I want to play air hockey on it, you will find a way to make it so!

Picard: Picard to sickbay, medical emergency in my quarters. It's this stupid ergonomic rectangular pillow I bought from the shopping channel, my neck is all messed up again.

Worf: Captain, request permission to return to duty, sir. These staring contests are not productive.
Picard: Permission denied Mr. Worf, the winner of you and me will take on the winner to Riker and Mr. Data, and the winner of that will take on the winner of the Beverly, Troi, O'Brien, and Ro grouping.

Riker: Ah yes, I see what the problem is there Worf. I can take it back to the shop and get it back to you in four or five days, but I gotta tell you, it's not gonna be cheap. Plus, you're gonna have to figure out how to subdue this creep unarmed.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Troi: " I can't believe I drank that much and then did that with you?"

Data: "Do not worry Councillor, My Lubricants are organic and fit for Human consumption"

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Perhaps we should call Dr. Crusher

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Riker: "Why's everyone looking at me."
Data: "Because you alone fart the same way as you play trombone."

Danar: "One of your nose hairs is grey."
Riker: That's a hell of a thing to say to a man."