VOY Caption Contest 75; Tuvok

[Ln X]

Thanks to all who ridiculed Harry Kim! And now we have:

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Winners are:

Lost has been cancelled? Damn, we missed everything!

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Hooker: "So, is this your first time?"

HARRY: "Nnno, but I'm already done"

Hooker: (thinking) "Well that was the easiest $200"

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It appears to be a giant sex toy, Doc.

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Bubbly Ensign next to Kim: "You getting the turkey bisque, Harry? I think I'd rather have the minestrone! Oops! She's undressing Commander Chakotay with her eyes again. Guess I'll just have to take whatever she ladles out."

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Harry had a lot of trouble finding dates on Voyager.

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Kim: This is Captain Harry Kim of the-

Explosion behind Kim.

Seven: And Seven of Nine is also aboard.

Ensign: They've ceased fire.

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Kim: My insurance company will NEVER believe this!

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This caption made me laugh hard!

Crewmember: "You'll have to excuse me, it was burrito lunch surprise today."

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The photoshop award goes to:

Chakotay: I knew there was a reason why you haven't been promoted

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Thanks to all involved! Next up is Tuvok, I want some witty banter with this one... Here are the new pictures to be captioned:

Enjoy! Or else!

 

[huskers57]

Tuvok's pon-farr hit at the worst possible time.

Battleship for one is just not as fun!

One more time, Ensign... this is not jenga.

Give me Metroplex's transforming cog now!

I can't believe you'd kill me for a field of empty holes.

Get this straight, Mr. Tuvok. We're with Starfleet...we don't lie!

Tuvok thinking - "I need to get this mirror checked out..."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Thanks for the win, Ln X!

"Now, let's see what kind of stuff our captain keeps in her personal files. Hmm...her personal log entries, private correspondence, holodeck password list...and, what's this? Ew! Mary Sue fanfiction featuring herself and James Kirk!"

"My first impression? That you and I belong to the worst matchmaking service ever!"

 

[Violet.Phoenix]

Janeway: "It's very simple, Tuvok, just tell us where you hid the coffee and no one has to speak of this again."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Introducing...Lady Gagh'a!

 

[jespah]

W00t! Thanks for the double winnage!


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Thanks to all involved! Next up is Tuvok, I want some witty banter with this one... Here are the new pictures to be captioned:

I've always wondered - does a Talaxian shit in the woods?

Dear Diary, Today I wrestled control of the ship from that bitch Janeway, screwed Seven of Nine's brains out and squashed Neelix like the bug he is. Computer, end fiction program.

Hmm this will be perfect for my desk.

For the last time, I have no idea where Paris is. Believe me, I want him dead, too.

You'll never believe this, but my Pon Farr just hit.

You'll never believe this, but my Pon Farr just hit.

And just so we're agreed, the stop word'll be Monongahela.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

"Yes.. like that.. oh yes.."
"Always at your service Mr. Vulcan."

"What do you mean you forgot the ball gag?"

"My zipper.. it's stuck.. ABORT TRANSPORT"

Janeway, thinking: "how much cajoling is this going to take?"
Alien: You promised me the one with stamina in exchange for the dilithium!

Tuvok: Perhaps the doctor could see to your cuts.

Klingon woman: Targs are dangerous when nursing, if you had any honor you'd know this.

 

[Eydie Munroe]

Tuvok: Mr. Neelix, stop staring at Seven of Nine's posterior and pay attention. I'm trying to teach you what bears do in the woods...

Tuvok: According to this, all she does when she comes in here is watch Talaxian porn. An illogical use of on-duty time.

Tuvok: Look, I don't know what Paris told you, but it's an extra $500 for leather and $1500 for threesomes...

Tuvok: I would appreciate it if you would tell me where the nearest restroom is. It is becoming rather urgent.

Tuvok: Interesting. I never would have believed that Commander Chakotay was capable of that sort of flexibility.

Janeway: Tuvok, I'm only going to ask you this once. What did you do with this man's skateboard?

Klingon: Hey, you're not what I ordered! Though now that I get a look at you...

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Tuvok: Good evening ma'am. I am here to speak to you about Amway...

 

[Disruptor]

Neelix: "Well...this is quite awkward."

Tuvok: "I concur. I suggest we both pretend this never happened, and perhaps avoid replying to any craigslist personals in the near future."

"'Single Talaxian male, travelling in Delta Quadrant, looking for discreet encounters with any willing partners. Posted by LeeolaRoot74656.' *sigh*"

"It's just a bunch of metal sticks, Tuvok. I mean really, even for a Vulcan your a bore."

"I forgot the 'safe word'."

"It seems I owe Mr. Paris an apology; the "tie his shoelaces together when he isn't looking trick' does indeed work."

Janeway: "V-necks will NEVER make a come back, not on my ship. Are you clear on that, Mr. Tuvok?"

Tuvok: "Lt. Torres, while your attempts to connect with your heritage are fascinating, that attire does not conform with Starfleet Uniform Codes...You are not Lt. Torres, are you?"

Klingon: "What was your first clue?"

 

[Eydie Munroe]

Klingon: Thank Khaless you've arrived! I killed my hairdresser before she was finished. Did you bring the hot rollers?

 

[Nerys Myk]

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought it would happen to me...

KIM: Wow, did you get the Superman action figure with that?

TUVOK:I was kind of hoping for the chick in the foil bikini.

TUVOK: "Look behind you?". Vulcans are far too intelligent to fall for such an obvious ruse.

TUVOK: So, you're the bad cop, he's the good cop and Neelix is the annoying cop?

KLINGON: No kissing and since you're a Vulcan, I'm gonna have to charge you double.

 

[LeadHead]

Thanks for the win!

Tuvok: No Mister Neelix, there's no flower that exists that will make her love you.

Tuvok: Computer, download Coffee to tea conversion program into the replicator.

Tuvok: You may leave Ensign, I will not share my toys with you.

Tuvok: Just so you know, you're going to end up being killed by evil holograms.

Tuvok: Tuvok to Paris, your aim is improving. You managed to fire from the van, while in motion and hit someone.

Janeway: Now, don't be alarmed, but Neelix isn't the creepiest person in this room right now.

Tuvok: Please return later, I have grown bored with Klingon mating rituals.

 

[Ln X]

Neelix: Is that a spot I see under your chin?
Tuvok: Mr Neelix, Vulcans do not have acne per se for it would be most illogical.

Tuvok: How to download faster subspacial porn... Hmm... So this is why the captain is so keen to explore every inhabited planet we come across.

Tuvok: No Mr Kim, it is not possible for humans to master this game!

Tuvok: May I suggest you ritually kill Seven and spare me? She has more valuable 'trophies' then I ever will.

Tuvok: Mrs Noss, it is time.
Noss: You're here to kill me aren't you?
Tuvok: No. I'm here to save you.

Janeway: We're running out of patience Tuvok, your name AND date of birth.

Klingon woman: You passionless PataQ!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Tuvok: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but... Wait a minute! What the hell did you just call me?"

 

[JanewayRulz!]

TUVOK: It is a thing no out-worlder may know except those very few who have been involved. A Vulcan understands, but even we do not speak of it among ourselves. It is a deeply personal thing. Can you see that, Neelix, and understand?
NEELIX: No, I do not understand. Explain.
TUVOK: Neelix, there are some things which transcend even the discipline of the service.
NEELIX: Would it help if I told you that I'll treat this as totally confidential?
TUVOK: It has to do with biology.
NEELIX: What?
TUVOK: Biology.
NEELIX: What kind of biology?
TUVOK: Vulcan biology.

Damn, who would have thought she'd have taken the replicator program for Romulan ale with her?

KIM: This is how you forestalled pon farr all those years?
TUVOK: Yes.
KIM: I prefer Chaotica's slave girl Harem in his Fortress of Doom in Tom's holoprogram.

TUVOK: This is the LAST time I let Tom program my pon farr holovacation. The restraints are a nice touch but NEITHER of these guys look anything like T'Pel!

TUVOK: Damn it Tom... not only are her ears the wrong size, she doesn't even LOOK Vulcan!

JANEWAY: Okay... let's try this one more time, If I promise to keep Neelix away from your replicator recipe for plomeek soup will you tell us the unlock code for the self destruct sequence?
COMPUTER: 47...46...45...44...43...

You have GOT to be kidding. Once every SEVEN years?

 

[Gov Kodos]

Feelings, nothing more than feelings, trying to forget...

 

[Cmdr.Druss]

Thanks for the win.

Tuvok: It's quite simple, we kill the Batman!

 

[Supernuke]

Thanks for the win!

Tuvok: Mr. Neelix, is it really necessary to watch me while I urinate? It is quite unnerving.
Neelix: Sorry Mr. Vulcan, but I wasn't looking at you! Interesting that you thought so though (winks)
Tuvok: ...I am beaming up now. Do not speak of this again.

 

[Bob Karo]

After walking five kilometers from the shuttle, Neelix began to ask for specifics about this "away mission." Particularly:

"Where are we?"

"What's with the shovel?"

and "Why is this sack so heavy?"