Yes, this is somehow a revelation for me. 
I apologise for this speech, because it’s ridiculously simplistic at its core, but I finally understand where I didn’t previously, and I wanted to share it.
A good friend of mine once told me that in order to forgive others you first have to forgive yourself. I acknowledged her wisdom, but as is typical with me I failed to accept emotionally what I accepted intellectually. So I’ve been focusing on others and neglecting the damage I’ve been inflicting on myself. For some time, I had a sense that I'd wasted my life; that I was worthless for not achieving or creating anything (I’m only 21, but that apparently wasn’t an excuse. And the potential I’d shown throughout my youth meant nothing either. I ignored potential for the future and focused only on impossible goals, which obviously I fell short of. I suppose I wanted to be worthless). I wasn’t just failing to take care of myself, I was actively attacking myself. For instance, I would get “flashes” of memory, or impressions of memory, of those times when I’d hurt people or assumed I’d done so, and these would cause me an almost physical pain (psychosomatic, I assume). I became afraid of my own memories, my own life. I refused to see my own capacity for humour, for insight or creativity, or that there could be value in my company, simply because they didn’t match my self-concept. And I dismissed the perspective of everyone else if and when they did see these things. Then, blindly, I wondered why, despite my respect for them and desire to be with them, I kept feeling like I was mistreating other people. Evidently I’d forgotten that “Wherever you go, there you are”. No wonder I felt like I was detrimental to others, because I was neglecting to respect or care for the common link that allowed me to interact with and understand these people; myself. The dark humour in all this is that I had great respect and understanding for the idea that to hurt others is to hurt yourself...but I wasn’t smart enough to see that it worked the other way as well. Truly respecting others depends upon respecting yourself. Intellectually I suppose I understood all this, but, again, emotionally I couldn’t.
It’s very much the case that for much of my childhood and early adolescence I was treated poorly by the people around me, but for some reason I let them define how I saw myself, and not all the people I later met who I’ve gotten along so well with. Who is mistreating me today? Nobody, other than myself. The only person out to destroy me is me. And he’s wrong to do it. I’ve been preying on myself for years. For some time now, I believe I’ve been taking steps to emerge from this strange self-loathing. Some of the side-effects have been difficult for me, like learning how to be angry with other people (rather than internalizing it) and how to do so appropriately, rather than lashing out randomly. Or learning first to stop depending on praise from others, earned through my talents or aid, and then to keep pursuing those talents and helpful actions even though their original “use” was no longer in evidence. But since I was always striving to be polite and friendly (though naturally I don’t always succeed), and I’ve never had any desire to hurt others, all I needed to do was be myself and be sensitive to others’ needs, which I usually am. And I realized that I was inevitably going to hurt others if I defined myself as the sort of person who did that; because sooner or later I’d feel the need on some level to do something to justify the self-image.
I feel like I finally understand something I’ve been failing to see – or avoiding – for years. I’m still a little unsteady, so I’m taking it slowly, but I’m conscious that I’m young and most likely have a long time in which to pursue whatever I want to do. And I acknowledge that I’ve managed to achieve some reasonably admirable things already (a degree from a top university, for instance). I’ll try and take things a step at a time, rather than berating myself for not being somehow further along than I am. It doesn’t change how I was treated as a boy, but I feel less and less like it defines me. I can be what I want. And what I want first of all is to live, and to be myself. And embrace the people around me.
I’m sure all of this has seemed strangely childish; after all, I’m explaining things that most people understand as self-evident. But as my signature says: “I was blind, and I cannot say that I had eyes to see the truth. I was a fool, and I cannot say that I had sense to know the truth. I was lost, and I cannot say that I could have found the truth. In the darkness, truth found me”. And that’s not me attacking myself again, that’s a simple acknowledgment of my error.
Yes, I’ve been very foolish.
I apologise for this speech, because it’s ridiculously simplistic at its core, but I finally understand where I didn’t previously, and I wanted to share it.A good friend of mine once told me that in order to forgive others you first have to forgive yourself. I acknowledged her wisdom, but as is typical with me I failed to accept emotionally what I accepted intellectually. So I’ve been focusing on others and neglecting the damage I’ve been inflicting on myself. For some time, I had a sense that I'd wasted my life; that I was worthless for not achieving or creating anything (I’m only 21, but that apparently wasn’t an excuse. And the potential I’d shown throughout my youth meant nothing either. I ignored potential for the future and focused only on impossible goals, which obviously I fell short of. I suppose I wanted to be worthless). I wasn’t just failing to take care of myself, I was actively attacking myself. For instance, I would get “flashes” of memory, or impressions of memory, of those times when I’d hurt people or assumed I’d done so, and these would cause me an almost physical pain (psychosomatic, I assume). I became afraid of my own memories, my own life. I refused to see my own capacity for humour, for insight or creativity, or that there could be value in my company, simply because they didn’t match my self-concept. And I dismissed the perspective of everyone else if and when they did see these things. Then, blindly, I wondered why, despite my respect for them and desire to be with them, I kept feeling like I was mistreating other people. Evidently I’d forgotten that “Wherever you go, there you are”. No wonder I felt like I was detrimental to others, because I was neglecting to respect or care for the common link that allowed me to interact with and understand these people; myself. The dark humour in all this is that I had great respect and understanding for the idea that to hurt others is to hurt yourself...but I wasn’t smart enough to see that it worked the other way as well. Truly respecting others depends upon respecting yourself. Intellectually I suppose I understood all this, but, again, emotionally I couldn’t.
It’s very much the case that for much of my childhood and early adolescence I was treated poorly by the people around me, but for some reason I let them define how I saw myself, and not all the people I later met who I’ve gotten along so well with. Who is mistreating me today? Nobody, other than myself. The only person out to destroy me is me. And he’s wrong to do it. I’ve been preying on myself for years. For some time now, I believe I’ve been taking steps to emerge from this strange self-loathing. Some of the side-effects have been difficult for me, like learning how to be angry with other people (rather than internalizing it) and how to do so appropriately, rather than lashing out randomly. Or learning first to stop depending on praise from others, earned through my talents or aid, and then to keep pursuing those talents and helpful actions even though their original “use” was no longer in evidence. But since I was always striving to be polite and friendly (though naturally I don’t always succeed), and I’ve never had any desire to hurt others, all I needed to do was be myself and be sensitive to others’ needs, which I usually am. And I realized that I was inevitably going to hurt others if I defined myself as the sort of person who did that; because sooner or later I’d feel the need on some level to do something to justify the self-image.
I feel like I finally understand something I’ve been failing to see – or avoiding – for years. I’m still a little unsteady, so I’m taking it slowly, but I’m conscious that I’m young and most likely have a long time in which to pursue whatever I want to do. And I acknowledge that I’ve managed to achieve some reasonably admirable things already (a degree from a top university, for instance). I’ll try and take things a step at a time, rather than berating myself for not being somehow further along than I am. It doesn’t change how I was treated as a boy, but I feel less and less like it defines me. I can be what I want. And what I want first of all is to live, and to be myself. And embrace the people around me.
I’m sure all of this has seemed strangely childish; after all, I’m explaining things that most people understand as self-evident. But as my signature says: “I was blind, and I cannot say that I had eyes to see the truth. I was a fool, and I cannot say that I had sense to know the truth. I was lost, and I cannot say that I could have found the truth. In the darkness, truth found me”. And that’s not me attacking myself again, that’s a simple acknowledgment of my error.
Yes, I’ve been very foolish.
