A threesome would solve some of the short term issues, but I only see it causing more problems in the long run.
My Best Friends Ex-husband
- Thread starter HighteeHeller
- Start date
A threesome would solve some of the short term issues, but I only see it causing more problems in the long run.
To be fair, their relationship had been over long before the guy showed up. As i had mentioned, they were together for 20 yrs, and had become, in the end, a marriage of convenience. On this they both agree.
Nobody wants to end a marriage, no one wants to be the bad guy, but they had both known for years that it wasnt working anymore. They stayed for the kids, for the friends, for the financial reasons. For all those reasons we think are worth it when the love just isnt there anymore. I understand that.
That she fell in lust with another man was a symptom of the failing marriage, not the reason for it. I wasnt surprised that it didnt work out, those types of relationships rarely do. But it never caused her to question the decision to leave her husband, or had her considering going back.
He may be in the dark about that, but it doesnt change the result. At this point there is no reason for him to know.
And really? I was hoping to hear that HE should be the one to tell her. Damn.
Nobody wants to end a marriage, no one wants to be the bad guy, but they had both known for years that it wasnt working anymore. They stayed for the kids, for the friends, for the financial reasons. For all those reasons we think are worth it when the love just isnt there anymore. I understand that.
That she fell in lust with another man was a symptom of the failing marriage, not the reason for it. I wasnt surprised that it didnt work out, those types of relationships rarely do. But it never caused her to question the decision to leave her husband, or had her considering going back.
He may be in the dark about that, but it doesnt change the result. At this point there is no reason for him to know.
And really? I was hoping to hear that HE should be the one to tell her. Damn.
You're the one interested in maintaining a positive relationship with this woman. (He might be too, but whatever he wants, all three of you know that their best times are in the past.)
Therefore, that puts the onus of smoothing things out on you.
If I were your boyfriend and I discovered you were withholding something that significant from me, I would seriously question my relationship.
Your relationship with both of them (and the kids) is pretty complex. There are so many different levels at work - I can understand why you're worried.
While I think communication is vital to both relationships, I think you need to lay down some ground rules. He shouldn't use you to vent about her, and she shouldn't use you to vent about him. The same would apply to you - no talking about them TO them. Because you have a history with both, both need to be told that you will not be breaking any confidences, and they should not ask you to.
Good luck, and I hope things work out well!
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
Awkward situation. Still... she has no real right to hold this against you given how she left things with the man in question.
I don't envy you the situation you're in, HTH... but I wish you well.
I don't envy you the situation you're in, HTH... but I wish you well.
This is quite possibly the best advice in the thread.
Agreed.
its going to be really hard to tell her. she's your best friend, and one thing i've tried to live by my entire life is never date a friends ex. thees always going to be harsh feelings involved. i'm not criticizing you, of course you guys formed a bond and, honestly, you deserve happiness with whoever you want, no matter who his ex is. you should sit her down and tell her, "look, things have been great between me and you lately, and things are great with me and him, and he's moving in with me. I hope you'll be ok with this and try to be happy with me. i'm not asking you to celebrate for me, but your my best friend and i can't hide this from you."
If I was trusted with information and I broke that trust, that person would seriously question their relationship with me.
My wife's trust comes before any of my friends.
And yet you agreed with Misfit Toy who proposes a silo. Frankly I think that's a position that should be respected by both sides: it's not fair of either of the ex-partners to use her to attack or try to dig dirt on the other one.
The situation is a bit strange - basically where a child would be during a divorce, but I don't see how HighteeHeller can reasonably have both relationships survive without siloing them off from each other.
I'm not sure what you mean by a silo. What I agreed with was the idea of telling both of them "don't complain about each other to me" and similar ground rules that are to keep her from being put in the secret-keeping "whose trust is more important to me?" position in the first place.
Well, silo meaning that the relationships are separate: things said in confidence by one person aren't repeated to the other one. This will likely be challenging, but it seems necessary in this case.
Your comment that she shouldn't keep the fact that her new partner's ex was having an affair before they split would necessarily be part of the deal meaning that she would be keeping secrets from him and also from her friend.
I don't think these rules should be retro-active.
Also, it's a matter of degree. It's one thing not to tell him his ex said he's too boring in bed. It's another to let him believe his marriage fell apart for different reasons than it did. That can have a huge impact on your relationship. He may work very hard to not make the same mistakes with you that he didn't actually make the first time.
ETA: Also I command you to put your avatar back. It's like you're a whole different person.
Also, it's a matter of degree. It's one thing not to tell him his ex said he's too boring in bed. It's another to let him believe his marriage fell apart for different reasons than it did. That can have a huge impact on your relationship. He may work very hard to not make the same mistakes with you that he didn't actually make the first time.
ETA: Also I command you to put your avatar back. It's like you're a whole different person.
Hmmm, you might have a point there. I guess it would depend on if he has a big complex over it. In the interest of simplicity I would jack in the friendship to be honest and put my partner first.
I don't view avatars so I see no need to sport one myself. I apologise if that ruins your TrekBBS experience. You could always try friending me on Facebook!
This.
My wife knows every secret I'm told. And she's welcome to read any PM or e-mails I get. I just don't get the need for a couple to keep info-- especially important info-- from one and other.
Then again I'm the guy that gets pissed over someone throwing him a surprise part and I hate people buying me presents and keeping them a surprise.
Well, occasionally it's illegal to tell them everything. Barring that, though, I agree.
With all the above being said, I do recognize that there are two opposing truths here.
1. He really doesn't need to know that his ex-wife was not completely honest.
2. He really doesn't need a girlfriend who would keep something like that from him.
For me, the answer is unpleasant, but it's to put my committed partner first. I don't know if "moving in" = "committed partner" for you so I can't 100% tell you to spill the beans.
