I met someone ?

[sbk1234]

I just met someone who is very nice. Honestly, to say that we are an item, or if even an attraction is mutual is premature.
She is beautiful, smart, funny. She thinks I'm funny. She likes Star Trek and reading. She's the right age.

Situation: I'm married. Before I get judged, no, I have not cheated. No, I have no intention to cheat. Yes, my wife and I have been having problems for a few years. In some ways, it would be easier if my wife was a bad person, was cheating or something like that, but she isn't. She is a good person, a good mother. I firmly believe with all my heart that she has never been unfaithful.

No, I am not going to pursue this "relationship" in any way, other than perhaps platonic friendship.
Still, the idea that a woman may find me attractive for my personality (my looks are not all that great, so I would need to be accepted for me) has in some ways given me more confidence to where I think I know what my next step is.
I think I've decided to finally talk with my wife about some issues I've avoided, out of fear of hurting our marriage even further.
I am very frightened over this whole situation. I am afraid of losing everything I've built up these years. I'm afraid of how this situation affects the children. I'm afraid of ending up alone.
Why am I even mentioning this here? I think I really just need to vent. I've been keeping a lot in to myself, and that's very hard.
Thank you for letting me whine a little.

 

[Australis]

Dude, a lot of us have been there.

The key word her is commitment. You've made one, stick to it.

It's hard to control those feelings, but this time you have to let your head rule your heart, and be fair to your family too.

 

[sidious618]

Edit: Doh! Wrong thread.

 

[Pingfah]

I find your use of the word "premature" to be suspicious, it's not a word you use when you have no intention of pursuing something. .

 

[auntiehill]

Dude, be very, very careful. Don't do anything rash just because a woman "may find" you attractive and vice-versa.

If you're not happy, what can YOU do to make your marriage better?

 

[sbk1234]

I meant that it's really too early for me to even know.
However, I do agree that I made a commitment, and I don't intend to be unfaithful. I just want to get to the point where I'm happy in my marriage. And, yes, my kids' welfare has to come first.
Believe it or not, even just starting to discuss this here is helping me to figure things out. Thanks. I look forward to more insight.

 

[CaptJimboJones]

My advice: If you value your marriage and want to keep it, stay away from this woman. You clearly have feelings for her, and even if you're committed to not acting on them, 1) you never know when you may succumb in a moment of weakness, and 2) even if you don't, she is a constant reminder that you'd prefer someone else over your wife and undermines your marriage.

That means no hanging out, no friendship, nothing. Cold turkey. Just politely distance yourself from her and, if possible, eliminate all contact entirely.

 

[Kelso]

My wife and I called it quits earlier this year after 5+ years of marriage. We've found that it was the best thing for both us, and for our daughter. The toughest part was making that initial decision.

Whatever you do, good luck!

 

[Kirby]

You and your wife need some marriage counseling. A trained impartial 3rd person to talk things over with and who can give you advice on how to deal with each other is always a good idea. Even people in the best marriages will occasionally see a counselor just to make sure everything is on track.

Your attraction to this other woman is just a symptom of the problems in your marriage. If you get your marriage back on track, these kinds of feelings wouldn't happen.

 

[sidious618]

Your attraction to this other woman is just a symptom of the problems in your marriage. If you get your marriage back on track, these kinds of feelings wouldn't happen.

Uh, I'm not so sure about that.

 

[Captain_Nick]

Don't let fear interfere with your decision making.

 

[LeadHead]

Be VERY careful in this situation. For one thing, I hope your wife, none of her friends or family are posters on TrekBBS.

This is a dicey and risky situation, spending time with this girl will likely expand these feelings you're having, it is possible to keep it platonic, but going off of how you've already described her you're already thinking about going beyond platonic. Thoughts aren't bad, but they can lead to bad actions.

The most dangerous time in a relationship, married or not, is when things are rocky, it's so easy to see the grass being greener with someone else. Given that there are children involved, I'd recommend avoidance as much as possible.

Do not allow instinctual actions as they will be ones that will lead to trouble. This is very much a "Look before you leap" scenario with this girl.

In the end, it all comes down to what you want and care about, ask everyone on the TrekBBS, but in the end that's gonna have to be your call. If you decide you want to pursue this girl, that's your choice, but the way you do it is important to how others will look at you and how you will feel about yourself.

 

[Kestra]

Believe it or not, even just starting to discuss this here is helping me to figure things out.

I'm glad you're starting to figure things out, but please be careful. You might be feeling good because you feel like your future has more possibilities and you're caught up in that feeling of meeting someone and just being interested in each other. It's intoxicating, but you need to step away from it. Other people don't cause problems in a relationship but they do have a way of exacerbating them. I don't know what you're going to decide to do but you really do need to cut off contact with this woman until you make a decision. I don't care if it seems like people here are making a big deal out of nothing, there's no such thing as harmless flirting when you're in a shaky relationship. Don't do anything you wouldn't do in front of your wife.

You're probably in for a rough time whether you decide to work it out with your wife or if the two of you end up going in separate directions. I wish you strength, rationality, and happiness.

 

[RJDiogenes]

You obviously feel that this new woman is more compatible with you, and that's a pretty important consideration. Nobody here can tell you the best way to proceed, since none of us have any inkling of your relationship with your wife. You certainly wouldn't be the first person to get married and then meet their soul mate later on. But then again, it's easy to see greener pastures when you're on a bumpy road. You should definitely think things through very carefully before you do anything that you can't take back.

 

[JarodRussell]

Nobody should be forced to live unhappy ever after because of such a silly invention called "commitment". It goes both sides. No relationship is good or healthy if one of the partners is not happy, which will, eventually, make the other partner also not happy. Just do what you think is right and best. But THINK.

Talk with your wife about ALL issues. Just see it this way: if your marriage can't handle these issues, then it wasn't stable enough anyway. Ask yourself if an unhappy relationship with secrets and lots of avoided issues and situations would be really better than no relationship without any secrets or avoided situations.

 

[C_Miller]

Nobody should be forced to live unhappy ever after because of such a silly invention called "commitment". It goes both sides. No relationship is good or healthy if one of the partners is not happy, which will, eventually, make the other partner also not happy. Just do what you think is right and best. But THINK.

Talk with your wife about ALL issues. Just see it this way: if your marriage can't handle these issues, then it wasn't stable enough anyway. Ask yourself if an unhappy relationship with secrets and lots of avoided issues and situations would be really better than no relationship without any secrets or avoided situations.

This. I'm actually taking a course on marriage and family and one of the biggest things I've learned this semester is that in the end, if it's not working, it's not working. And that divorce is NOT a bad thing. If that is what is best for you, your wife and your children, then that's the decision you have to make, no matter how hard it is.

Sometimes people just fall out of love. Unfortunately, that's life. Forever is an extremely long time and even if you are the most together person in the world and have been with your girlfriend for years before your marriage, who's to say that the circumstances stay the same? Divorce is certainly better than living through a loveless marriage. Because if you're having some type of emotional affair with this women, then it prevents you and your wife from moving on later in life.

Best of luck and I might not be a professional, but if you ever need to talk, let me know. Upside is that I don't charge.

 

[sbk1234]

Thank you, BBS friends. Every comment is helpful. Bottom line: I've decided that I need to talk to my wife about my feelings in this issue. Not my attraction to this other person, but what I feel is lacking, and what I don't like in my marriage.
I have too much to just throw away. So I do have to fight to make this marriage work.
I really have been afraid to confront my wife in this, since I've thought that talking may be the straw that finally causes her to say it's over. I don't know if that's even rational, or just my own insecurities controlling me.
I think my wife and I are both good people. We deserve to do our best to make this work.

 

[Mr Awe]

It's a tough spot and I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I've been pretty much in that situation. You have to decide if your marriage is worth saving or not. Sometimes it's not. But, only you and your wife can decide that. Just don't do anything to jeopardize your marriage until you decide. Either way, you want to make this a conscious decision, not one that just happens because something got out of control.

And, if trying to talk about these issues is the last straw, then the marriage wouldn't last anyway, better to know now.

No easy solutions but such is life.

Mr Awe

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

Well man, i can't really offer any advice but what i can offer is just someone to talk to. If you wanna talk, you know how to get a hold of me.

 

[LeadHead]

Good luck when you talk to your wife. Not really sure what to say, besides that I'm sure word choice will be crucial. Anything can be misinterpreted in a pressure conversation like that. Be careful.