Miscellaneous Street - The Soap Opera

[Captain Ice]

Exactly.

Ice starts to set up a campfire as it's a little to late to follow the rest of the clues in these books. As he starts to cook some dinner, he starts to wonder if the body found a few days ago may be a part of what he's looking for as one of the books describes the area Hoffa and some of his cronies are buried in and it sounds remarkably like this place....

 

[Tora Ziyal]

After discovering that his manual can opener wouldn't make cat-attracting noises, RJDiogenes ran over to Mayberry to pick up an electric one. When he gets back, he sees Crazy Cat Lady taking Leo home.

Ah, so you were just out shopping; I was kind of worried when I found the store locked up tight. After I took Leo home to the Crazy Cat Lady. Without having to resort to the use of a can opener, electric or manual.

That's just a TV show.

^Yes, let's stick with reality.

Exactly. Lives are at stake here.

GROAN.

 

[Miss Chicken]

Someone, please tell me how to kill zombies.

I need to know.

 

[F. King Daniel]

A spell made him a zombie, so a spell can make him an inanimate murder victim again.

I think.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

In every zombie flick I've ever heard of, zombies can be killed by shooting them in the head.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Romero made that up. There's nothing like that in true Zombie lore.

Ah, so you were just out shopping; I was kind of worried when I found the store locked up tight. After I took Leo home to the Crazy Cat Lady. Without having to resort to the use of a can opener, electric or manual.

Yes, I heard about you carrying around the 400-pound cat. Which reminds me, there's a huge crate of Zombie books in the attic that needs to come downstairs.

Someone, please tell me how to kill zombies.

I need to know.

We definitely need to find a counter-spell.

 

[Flashover]

Utility company! Got a report of a substandard thingy on the thingy that does stuff with the other thingy on the whatchamacallit. I need access to the basement.

You there! Yes you! How do I get access to the basement?

 

[Jenee]

Yes, I heard about you carrying around the 400-pound cat. Which reminds me, there's a huge crate of Zombie books in the attic that needs to come downstairs.

Utility company! Got a report of a substandard thingy on the thingy that does stuff with the other thingy on the whatchamacallit. I need access to the basement.

You there! Yes you! How do I get access to the basement?

What basement? Who's basement?

Jenee straightens her shoulders indignantly Who are you? Are you supposed to be here? Where's your identification that you are with the utility company - which is a lie cuz we don't call it a "utility company" in these parts, you must be a foreigner - and there have been some might strange things happening ...

Jenee runs to RJ's place. Hey, what kind of spell have you got to immobilize a stranger and get the truth out of him?

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Yes, I heard about you carrying around the 400-pound cat. Which reminds me, there's a huge crate of Zombie books in the attic that needs to come downstairs.

Well come on up to the attic w/ me, and we'll open that crate and start carrying down armloads of books. My superpowers -- which I hadn't meant to let slip out here in the first place -- are extremely focussed. And they do not function upon demand.

Jenee runs to RJ's place. Hey, what kind of spell have you got to immobilize a stranger and get the truth out of him?

Come on in, Jenee. Here are the spell books.... Hmm, this one looks like a possibility.... See what you think....

 

[Flashover]

What basement? Who's basement?

Jenee straightens her shoulders indignantly Who are you? Are you supposed to be here? Where's your identification that you are with the utility company - which is a lie cuz we don't call it a "utility company" in these parts, you must be a foreigner - and there have been some might strange things happening ...

Jenee runs to RJ's place. Hey, what kind of spell have you got to immobilize a stranger and get the truth out of him?

(presents official TREK BBS POWER AND LIGHT INC identification)

...and it doesn't specify which basement (hands over work-order) it just says "Fix thingy in the basement."

 

[F. King Daniel]

Able to stand the clattering no longer, Daniel decides to find out what Jenee's doing in the kitchen. Unfortunately Jenee isn't in the kitchen - the Headless Zombie is, and he's rummaging around like someone late for a meeting and desperately seeking their car keys.

Daniel lifts another baking tray (weapon of choice for both coffee shop bakers and WWE wrestlers) and thwacks it down across the zombie's shoulders as hard as he can. The zombie pays no heed to Daniel's assault and continues rummaging. Daniel grabs a pizza cutter and runs it agressively across the zombie's chest. Little bits of rotting flesh fall to the floor, but the zombie is again unfazed.

"Fuck this!" Daniel says, grabs his coat, and goes out for some fresh air. What harm's a zombie that can't bite, anyway?

 

[Miss Chicken]

What harm's a zombie that can't bite, anyway?

It smells awful.

 

[Mary Ann]

Hippy Lady has noticed the utilities person snooping around. Damn and blast. She'd just spent half the day lovingly repotting baby Happy Cigarettes plants in the basement. She rounds up the children she can find to help her move the plantlets from the basement to one of the garden sheds. There's no heating in the shed, but that can't be helped right now. She runs back to the basement, turns off the heat, and lights some incense sticks. She'll have to wait for BobJohnGeorge to come back to disconnect all the fancy electrics he'd rigged up the day before. It Would have been several weeks before the neighbours clued in that their electricity bills had become unusually high. Curses!

 

[Flashover]

Looks at watch.

TO SELF: ...whadda I care. Union job, I get paid double-triple time and half to stand here. They don't want me to pull the eldritch horror from beyond time and space off of the electric meter so be it. I don't know WHY we just can't tell people that the electric grid is infested with power-sucking-cthulhu-spawn... Nooo don't want to cause a panic do we... well whadda I care this is a union job I'm getting double-triple time and half to stand here...

Looks at watch again

 

[Miss Chicken]

Miss Chicken (little three-legged cat extraordinaire) Is on the top floor of her house using her little telescope to watch what Hippy Lady is up to.

She sends Hippy Lady a note.

"I want a big tin of tuna or else I will tell the authorities about what you are up to."

 

[Mary Ann]

Hippy Lady reads the note and can just about make out a very smug-looking three-legged kitty on the roof of its house.

Hippy Lady contemplates putting an end to 20 years of veganism...

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Hippy Lady reads the note and can just about make out a very smug-looking three-legged kitty on the roof of its house.

I guess that kitty really is whistling a happy tuna then?

MLB has no time to laugh at his own fish puns, though. He has a birthday to remember. With stealth he didn't know he had, he sneaks over to Hippy Lady's house and leaves a present on her front door step. The note affixed thereon, simply reads "Happy Birthday Starlight". Inside, the birthday girl later finds, is a brand new...

...fielder's glove!

 

[RJDiogenes]

Well come on up to the attic w/ me, and we'll open that crate and start carrying down armloads of books. My superpowers -- which I hadn't meant to let slip out here in the first place -- are extremely focussed. And they do not function upon demand.

Sigh. I knew it was too good to be true.

Jenee runs to RJ's place. Hey, what kind of spell have you got to immobilize a stranger and get the truth out of him?

Come on in, Jenee. Here are the spell books.... Hmm, this one looks like a possibility.... See what you think....

Feel free to browse and try out the spells of your choice.

They don't want me to pull the eldritch horror from beyond time and space off of the electric meter so be it. I don't know WHY we just can't tell people that the electric grid is infested with power-sucking-cthulhu-spawn... Nooo don't want to cause a panic do we...

We have several eldritch tomes available at reasonable prices that you might be interested in. The Esperanto Edition of
Unaussprechlichen Kulten is half off this week.

 

[F. King Daniel]

Daniel returns from his walk only to recieve a fork inch-deep in his shoulder the minute he steps inside. The headless zombie has somehow built a crude crossbow from kitchen untensils, and is using it to launch smaller, sharper kitchen utensils at him. Is that one of Jenee's thongs he's using to--?

PFFT.

"Bwaaaahh!"

That one imbedded itself in his thigh. The zombie loads up the pizza cutter...

PFFT.

Daniel mutely stares at the new wound in his right bicep. He turns and runs. Whatever happens, the coffee shop will not be trashed again. The zombie follows, loading up what looks like a spork. How the zombie has such good aim without a head is a mystery.

PFFT. Left buttock.

"Somebody help me!"

Daniel runs past a bored and confused electricity man, dives into Hippy Lady's house and hides behind a sofa. He phones Hippy Lady (who's probably elsewhere in the house) and explains the situation. He hopes she'll be a kind neighbour and won't throw him to the wolves (or armed zombie)

 

[Flashover]

Mr. Book-seller:

...how much for this copy of Shockenhertz Burnen-Electrotechenwooten Der Donner Blitzen, published by the Exothermic Scatological Society Of Southeast North Westbrook?

And can I get access to the basement please? I can't clock out until I finish this last workorder.


And why the hell does that man have a fork sticking out of him and why is he in such a hurry?