TOS Caption Contest #188: Doctor, Who's On First?

[Rat Boy]

Another one bites the dust, but it's time for another caption contest. First, let's sort out...

For sorting out the chain of command, our winners are...

Kirk: Okay, lets work the order of rank here. For the first half of Season 1; I leave Sulu in charge, for the rest of the series; I leave you in charge. If we ever do movies; Sulu gets left in charge.

Scotty: That's too complicated, you should leave Chekov in charge if we ever get taken over by Spock's wierd brother.

Kirk: Though I'm not even sure why you want to be second officer, you don't like being in command.

Scotty: It's the sweet spot between extra responsibility and extra tail. Why, even an android second officer could get with the honeys at second officer.

For rhymes, our winner is...

Spock: "Once you go Vulcan, you won't ever be sulkin'."

And for showing that maybe Scotty didn't need the help of a non-corporeal alien to get pissed off at his co-workers, our winner is...

So..Sulu's the bastard who stole my Claymore....

Our Photoshop winner...

I'm out there Captain and I'm loving every minute of it!

And a special award for stepping up to the mic...

SCOTTY: I thought we had agreed that I would sing lead.

KIRK: But that means you'd have more lines than me.

Congratulations to the winners. This week, it's third time's the charm when it comes to doctors on the Enterprise. First, maybe the reason Boyce didn't stick around because he was prescribing alcohol to clinically depressed patients. Second, maybe Piper didn't last long because he didn't do enough to stand out in a crowd. And finally, perhaps McCoy stuck with it because he was the only one who could tolerate Spock when he was CONSTANTLY SHOUTING. Have fun:

 

[Rat Boy]

Pike: "That glass better be clean. Last time you tried that, I was on the shitter the whole way to the Canaris Cluster."

Scotty: "Did I leave my iron on?"

Spock: "Doctor? NYOTA?!"

McCoy: "Nyota?"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Pike: Last time I let you fix me a drink, I ended up face down on the deck with my trousers 'round my ankles and a seriously sore bumhole.
Boyce: So you'll take the drink then.
Pike: Oh, fo'sho.

Scotty: Doctor, I dinna think you'll be sticking around for the long haul.

Spock: THE DOCTORS!

 

[jep]

Boyce: "Admit it, you banged Number 1, didn't you?"




.

 

[jep]

Doohan: "OK, who let Takei pick out the uniforms?

Takei: "What? Velvet looks fab-you-LUS on me!"



.

 

[jep]

Scotty (thinking to himself): "On this starship, you make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. And she's first."


.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Boyce: "Ah! My drink." (Slams it back)
Pike: "Ah, that was my sample Dr. . "

Elizabeth Denner (thinking) "Smells of whiskey, Too old, To gay"

Spock: "My bike!"

McCoy: "That'll teach you to leave the dam thing in my sick bay"

 

[jep]

Spock: "Could your Nancy do that, Dr.?"

McCoy: "Well of course she could. That's why I dated her."




.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

McCoy: "They call me Bones, because when my wife left me..."

Spock: "You wheel out that line again, I will barbecue your ass in plomeek. So help me Surak!"

 

[Maurice]

♫ Which of these things is not like the others...? ♫

SPOCK: I AM NOT EMOTIONAL!!!
BONES: And I'm not getting any tonight, am I, "Nancy"?

 

[WRStone]

Scotty's Thoughts: ... they need different uniforms on these girls ... canna see any cleavage at all ...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Roddenberry (OS): "Well, I see one of you chose to just totally disregard my request for no bras on the soundstage!"
Paul Fix: "...Sorry...I didn't get the memo..."

Nimoy: "Its a ray-gun, you stupid hayseed! Stop holding it like a six-shooter!"

 

[LeadHead]

Boyce: Here you go. This'll be great for your duties in an hour.

Pike: We lost several crewmen, I'll be giving eulogies.

Boyce: Whoops. Guess I shouldn't have put Happy Birthday Balloons all over the ship.

Scotty: Engineering division ready as always Sir. Even though they're wondering if they'll always have to wear this color.

Spock: It's killing the Captain!

McCoy: I know, isn't it great?

 

[ItsGreen]

Doohan : Shatner's gonna want your girdle.
Paul Fix (as Piper): Not likely!

Next Week on Star Trek, Deforest Kelley as Dr McCoy

 

[ItsGreen]

-Will that cure my hangover?
-It should. Why?
-I slept with this beauty named Vena,
but when I woke up the next morning she looked like hell!

 

[M'Sharak]

"What is this?"
"Absinthe. Drink up."
(Pike does so.)
"And this should kick in- "
"Right about where you hit time warp factor seven."

"BILBO! BILBO BAGGINS!"

 

[LeadHead]

"BILBO! BILBO BAGGINS!"

McCoy: Don't ever start singing that when I've got a Fully Charged Phaser!

 

[Isis]

Spock: "A tribble? You got me out the can because you're afraid of a tribble?"

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock (singing): "I see you driving 'round town with the girl I love and I'm like 'Fuck you!'" *

* = NSFW language, but you probably already guessed that.

 

[Timewalker]

♫ Which of these things is not like the others...? ♫

How do you type the musical notes?

Spock: You must kill it, Doctor!

McCoy: But I thought Vulcans were pacifists, with a reverence for all life...

Spock: We are - now KILL IT!!!