Another guy kissed my girlfriend.

[Jetfire]

Kill him with kindness...always works, it will show his true colors...trust me.

My first response is to pound this guy into the dirt...but after emotions settle...be as nice as you can be so he can't say anything against you.

 

[USS Triumphant]

And what is it about someone coming on to someone else that causes you to feel threatened enough to encourage that violence (which you DID, in your first posts in this thread)?

This is the Internet, DN. Why do you assume anyone has to be threatened in order to advocate violence? What about the sheer entertainment value of getting one complete stranger to beat the crap out of another complete stranger?

More seriously, though: The reason this reaction is provoked, and not just from Jetfire, is that many people know someone who has acted like the offensive co-worker in this account. It isn't about necessarily about owning your SO or feeling threatened, it is about the insult to your own honor. It hasn't been that long ago since the perfectly "civilized" reaction to something like this would have been a demand for satisfaction. Pistols at dawn, or the like. And yes, I know that the good old days weren't always good, but you can't say that there aren't some circumstances where the old ways maintained a measure of order and civilized behavior (even if by fear) that just isn't always seen anymore.

I'm saying women need to listen to those first impressions and inner voices.

Indeed, everyone does. Listen to those initial impressions and be honest with themselves about whether they come from base impulses that should be denied (like racism), and then if not, go with them. I've been burned SO many times trying to just "give a chance" to someone that my instincts insisted right away was untrustworthy.

All we have to go on is the testimony of one interested party.

You have no proof or cause to label this man as such UNTIL HE DOES SOMETHING CRIMINAL OR ABUSIVE. Being an asshole doesn't cut it.

"Asshole" is a label. Not that I'm disagreeing with it.

Look, the way I see it is that TrekBBS is like Flux Capacitor's favorite bar. We're not supposed to deliver unvarnished objective truth, and be fair to everyone. We're supposed to be on his side, and at worst, deliver possibly unwanted advice or insights in a manner that still makes it clear that we're his good-time Trek buddies. Like:

"I know you don't want to hear it, but I'd keep an eye on a girlfriend who is going over to other guys' places and closing their eyes on request."

It doesn't matter that taking a stance like this may not be completely fair to his girlfriend or to the jerkwad she works with. This ain't their bar.

If Katy Perry kisses your girlfriend, please tell us!

Indeed! And woot! Also, we will need pictures. Just to verify, you understand.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

Look, the way I see it is that TrekBBS is like Flux Capacitor's favorite bar. We're not supposed to deliver unvarnished objective truth, and be fair to everyone. We're supposed to be on his side, and at worst, deliver possibly unwanted advice or insights in a manner that still makes it clear that we're his good-time Trek buddies. Like:

"I know you don't want to hear it, but I'd keep an eye on a girlfriend who is going over to other guys' places and closing their eyes on request."

It doesn't matter that taking a stance like this may not be completely fair to his girlfriend or to the jerkwad she works with. This ain't their bar.

I'm not sure I'm following you here...when have I made it seem as if I don't want honest and "unvarnished" opinions and advice?

 

[USS Triumphant]

I'm not sure I'm following you here...when have I made it seem as if I don't want honest and "unvarnished" opinions and advice?

Okay, maybe I'm not being totally lucid. It wouldn't be the first time, and it won't be the last. It's just that there are a few posters that seem cold and almost hostile to your situation, and even some that have outright suggested that you aren't real, and that just doesn't seem like the right attitude for a community to have toward its members.

I'm not trying to say you don't want honesty. But varnish is always nice from your friends.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

Ah okay, that's much more clear. I was getting the impression that you thought I wanted everything sugar coated or something. I don't mind people being honest...as long as they have actual reasoning and logic behind what they say.

 

[Jetfire]

USS Triumphant Has made more sense here than any of us.

 

[Ruaidhri]

Flux, I just don't see a need for you to do anything. Sounds like you trust your girl, and aside from maybe that bit of too-trusting naivete it seems like she's got her head on straight. The other fella sounds like a knob, but as long as she doesn't do anything more to encourage him, he'll probably give up after a bit. If the guy persists, she's got an easy way to deal with him: formal complaint through the work environment. Rush of protective emotion aside, it isn't your problem to deal with, it is hers.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

even some that have outright suggested that you aren't real, and that just doesn't seem like the right attitude for a community to have toward its members.

Sadly, that has happened here before. Just a few months ago, actually.

 

[Alidar Jarok]

Yeah, but there was a huge difference between the two people. It would require years of effort with several sock puppets who start out with no claims to know each other (well, except for one, but we won't go into that). It also requires photos over many years all with the same person. I think looking at the date somebody registered should give a good idea whether it's worth bringing up an accusation of being fake.

 

[ebusinesstutor]

Forget the guy.

This is about your relationship with your girlfriend. Women (and men) always have times when others hit on them. Either of you have the right to be with other people as long as you end this relationship first so you can't control her by hassling men around her.

So, the question is, was she unfaithful.

If you trust her and believe her story she shut it down right away, so there isn't a problem.

BUT, my question is why would she hang out with him and go to his home in the first place?

That seems a little odd and worth further discussion.

 

[Nerdius Maximus]

Well, it's hard to judge the situation based upon what little we know about it. We don't know your girlfriend or the guy in question. I'd want to know why she was going over to the house of some guy she was creeped out by. Doesn't make sense, especially if she doesn't like him in any capacity, friendly or otherwise.

 

[Rincewiend]

Well, so far he's kept things professional at work...except for one exchange...that went something like this...

Him: You smell amazing
Her: Thanks, it's Body by Victoria.
Him: I love the smell of beautiful.
Her: No, not beautiful...Body.
Him: Well I love the smell of Body, and you're beautiful.
Her: Er...



Any more of that shit and I'm going to insist she make a report. I've already asked her to let her manager know about the general situation, just so he's not blindsided if something comes up.

Also, she told me he refuses to refer to me as her boyfriend if he mentions me. He insists on calling me her "bodyguard".

I'm getting a movie-of-the-week on Lifetime vibe here...
He seems to be a bit obsessed...

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

I've actually been starting to show her a few different moves for self defense. I studied traditional Okinawan Uechi-Ryu karate for over 10 years and hold a 2nd degree black belt rank as well as some instructor experience, so I've been able to show her a thing or two.

Actually, that may be the solution right there. All your girlfriend has to do is drop that piece of knowledge on him casually. Of course, he may turn out to be a grand master, but given the information you provide, I doubt it. I suspect he's a coward at heart (like most men) and will back off.

 

[USS Triumphant]

Sadly, that has happened here before. Just a few months ago, actually.

I know, and I got fooled a bit by the poster in question, too - although he had already given me, personally, a reason to think he might be a less than savory character. (I tried to start a "round-robin" in the Trek Lit forum, and he had volunteered to participate as the second writer, then didn't and I waited long enough for him to do so that it killed it before it really began.)

But the occasional worm is no reason to give up on apples.

 

[Mr Awe]

I am still skeptical about the reasoning behind her going to his house still and am not exactly satisfied with her answer yet. I'm still chalking it up to her trusting nature and a bit of naivety thrown in...I'll just have to see how things play out.

He texted her this morning. She's working with him today, and oh boy, is he excited.

"Yay! Christine is working with me today!"

What a douche.

Yeah, you may very well be right about her trusting nature getting the better or her by going over. It could be that simple.

Now, if the incident at work about the perfume is accurate, she should be doing more to ward off his attentions. She should be telling him to stop with those comments immediately and report him to management. By simply responding to his comments as you indicate, it only eggs him on. She may not intend that but that's the reaction it provokes.

I'm not blaming her at all, she's probably just sweet and not used to putting her foot down (particularly in light of her previous relationship). But, she'll probably have to take a stand against this guy to get him to stop.

I agree with others that you should not interfere unless she asks, because then you'll look like the problem. If you start harrassing him and he documents that, you're nailed.

Mr Awe

 

[Tiberius Jim]

A bit of an update: I visited her at work yesterday, and she was working with the guy and their manager (who is gay, and thinks I'm hot, apparently). I walked in and the guy was approaching me as if I were a customer, but my girlfriend got to me first. I gave her a peck of a hello kiss, when her manager came out and introduced himself. Then the dude comes around the corner, introduces himself, shakes my hand...and calls me by the wrong name. (Not sure how one would mix up James with "Chris") I corrected him, and he played it off that he thought he heard me say the name Chris when I was talking to the manager. Except that I know for a fact that she has mentioned my name to him before, and he knew I was her boyfriend without me saying so and without me asking. So...he was full of shit.

The rest of the visit he mostly avoided me. He tried to strike up a convo about how I used to work for the company. I just explained what happened, was perfectly polite and didn't act like I knew anything. I figure that way he still wonders if I know about what he did or not.

He texted her a lot that night. She let me take the helm, so to speak, of her phone so for a while there he was talking to me, thinking he was talking to her. I had her approve any texts before hitting Send. He referred to me as her bodyguard again, to which "she" replied "He's my boyfriend, not my bodyguard. Besides, bodyguards get paid, and he doesn't charge a fee." He replied with something to the effect of "Oh I bet you pay him, alright." or something sleazy like that. "She" replied with a general reply of disgust that he sees intimacy between a loving couple as compensation. He laughed it off, chalking it up to her not understanding his sense of humor.

She thinks she finally scared him off today. She told him all about how she wants to be married and have kids well before she's in her late 20's. Apparently, he isn't even sure if he wants kids and if he does, not until he's 35-40. He seemed quite turned off by her eagerness to have kids.

Which is fine. Because she'll be having them with me, not with him.

 

[jamestyler]

From that, the guy seems a few tins short of a six pack. From my perspective it's as if he tried, he failed... and now he's getting a little desperate and pathetic.

It's good you're restraining yourself, because if it were me in his position - the more you react, the more you would seem insecure and I'd see a window. Plus - if I intervened every time someone thought my GF was hot, I wouldn't get a lot done.

Scaring him off sounds a little odd a way to deal with it. It sounds more like a game than it is just saying "back the fuck off, I'm not interested" and repeating that until he clicks. Which might take a while - but it's a hell of a lot better way of dealing with it.

 

[Allyn Gibson]

Flux, if your girlfriend is saving the text messages, she may have enough to file a sexual harassment complaint. Sexual harassment doesn't have to happen just at the workplace; he's creating an uncomfortable work environment just by texting her.

 

[StarMan]

Well Flux you and your partner seem on the same page from the sounds of things. He's made his move and been rejected and embarrassed (esp. if she's letting you do the txting)... His place has been well established and in these games we all know - really - where we are if there are a few grey cells to rub together, even if we're hard-pressed to admit it.

You have made your mark in front of him, right? You are the established other of your partner and he knows it and you know it. Any further inferences from him I would suggest confronting him. Simply put "You know who I am. Fuck off."

At the least make sure she records times and dates if a harassment claim is laid.

 

[Professor Zoom]

A bit of an update: I visited her at work yesterday, and she was working with the guy and their manager (who is gay, and thinks I'm hot, apparently). I walked in and the guy was approaching me as if I were a customer, but my girlfriend got to me first. I gave her a peck of a hello kiss, when her manager came out and introduced himself. Then the dude comes around the corner, introduces himself, shakes my hand...and calls me by the wrong name. (Not sure how one would mix up James with "Chris") I corrected him, and he played it off that he thought he heard me say the name Chris when I was talking to the manager. Except that I know for a fact that she has mentioned my name to him before, and he knew I was her boyfriend without me saying so and without me asking. So...he was full of shit.

The rest of the visit he mostly avoided me. He tried to strike up a convo about how I used to work for the company. I just explained what happened, was perfectly polite and didn't act like I knew anything. I figure that way he still wonders if I know about what he did or not.

He texted her a lot that night. She let me take the helm, so to speak, of her phone so for a while there he was talking to me, thinking he was talking to her. I had her approve any texts before hitting Send. He referred to me as her bodyguard again, to which "she" replied "He's my boyfriend, not my bodyguard. Besides, bodyguards get paid, and he doesn't charge a fee." He replied with something to the effect of "Oh I bet you pay him, alright." or something sleazy like that. "She" replied with a general reply of disgust that he sees intimacy between a loving couple as compensation. He laughed it off, chalking it up to her not understanding his sense of humor.

She thinks she finally scared him off today. She told him all about how she wants to be married and have kids well before she's in her late 20's. Apparently, he isn't even sure if he wants kids and if he does, not until he's 35-40. He seemed quite turned off by her eagerness to have kids.

Which is fine. Because she'll be having them with me, not with him.

Why all the games? Why didn't "she" or the real she say, I don't want this attention, please stop now.

All of these games and back and forth are just feeding the relationship.

Neither you or her are in high school now. Be adults. Tell him in no uncertain terms no more contact beyond work related activities.