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Being offensive....

Oddly enough, I posted a thread yesterday about a job I was recently fired from for the most part for saying things that offended people and making my supervisor nervous about what I say in front of clients (even though I am very ethical when it comes to clients).

The reaction I received in that thread ranged from "you've had this problem in the past" to "you deserve to be fired", so it is obviously something people here feel strongly about. It's also something I have to be cognizant of in the future. The place I worked for was 99% women, and the field I am going into ranges from 50% or higher women.

A few of the things I said that offended people - I was talking with my supervisor and she mentioned a client who had a restraining order against his teenage son. I said, sardonically, "where can I get one of those?". She looked at me quizzically and said "you wouldn't be able to see your son". I had to explain to her that I was just joking, and really do want to be around my own son.

Another time I was talking about a client who told me, when his child was misbehaving that in his country he would spank his son. I said to coworkers, jokingly, "you want to spank your kid, go right head!" They laughed, and I immediately explained that I was joking, and I didn't really say this. My supervisor overheard the comment, and it was brought up on several occasions and she flat out refused to believe I didn't really say this despite my constant denial. According to her "you told everybody you really did say it", which was not true.

Later on, the comment that I'm convinced led to me being fired, I was sitting with girls from my team and my supervisor. A couple of women were pregnant and talking about their pregnancy. Someone said to one of my team mates, who has told me on several occasions that she never plans on being pregnant, "wait until you end up pregnant". I said to the lady who made the comment, clearly smiling and joking, "she doesn't want to be pregnant. I don't think she likes boys", followed by "I'm joking of course".

This lead to several scoldings from my supervisor about how "you don't talk about coworkers sexuality". Which is ironic, because at my last work place, one of my higher ups joked constantly about me having "a gay man's taste in clothes", meaning I dressed nice everyday.

A little bit after that the girls were talking about how ugly stretch marks are and how much they are dreading them. I said to them "I don't know what you are talking about. I think stretch marks are attractive".

This lead to another scolding about how "you don't talk about what you find attractive at work". My sup then told me I "say stupid things without thinking about it".

So, a point to end this rant, watch what you say at work! :-) It can and will get you fired. Even if no logically thinking human being could possibly be offended by what you say and any person with a semblance of self worth would have laughed it off and forgotten it. People will, whether out of spite or self-righteousness, make trouble for you!
Strikes me as if they're a lot of anal people where you've worked. I've often said things definitely worse than what you've said and rarely had to emphasize I was joking. Maybe it was just their familiarity with me and my way of saying it. I can recall rarely having to apologize either.

One way I have of diffusing a situation if it looks iffy is to laugh a bit and make a show of lightly scolding myself, such as, "Oh, that's not nice, eh? I shouldn't say that." while still retaining a bit of a smirk.

Candidly, though, I don't have much time for those who are really anal. When I encounter them then I can really let fly because I feel they're just asking for it wearing a sign that says, "Please kick me." :lol:
 
I've found via myself and other people, that you never know when one of the people around you will be some PC piece of shit that gets offended at the drop-of-a-hat. Because of that, I don't tell jokes at jobs, I don't talk about religion and polotics at jobs (generally, unless someone is spewing terribly inaccurate facts), or people's personal lives, or ever get too friendly with someone. Seems so many are just backing stabbing jackasses waiting to happen these days. It's shocking, really.
 
Everyone is offended to some degree or another about something, but in this day and age of political correctness, it's been taken to a whole new level, especially since not all groups are considered equal -- meaning some people are not allowed to be offended about the same things that other groups can be offended about.

Not only that, but there seems to be a new category of oversensitive, weak-minded, PC people who are offended about everything and seemingly go around looking to be offended! Some will even be offended on your behalf even if you're not offended. And if they hear someone at the workplace saying something they consider offensive, their first and only thought is to have that person fired!
 
I don't hold much sacred or find nearly anything offensive. Therefore it's easy for me to offend others. :) In fact I've inadvertently done so in this very forum. When it happens I feel awful. There's very few people on this board who'd feelings I'd want to hurt or sensibilities I'd like to offend.
 
I can say anything and nobody will get offended. I'm just that smooth. :cool:

More seriously, as a general rule I don't have to worry much about being unwillingly offensive, since usually I'm very polite and cheerful. If I say something offensive to someone, you may bet that I did it knowing very well what I was doing, not just talking out of my ass.

I find that if you have been raised with a fair share of good manners you don't have worry about offending people.
Good manners just makes them think they can be more aggressive with you because they know you won't get aggressive back (as someone who prides himself on being polite, it takes me a lot of courage to snap back at someone who's unjustly attacked me and put them in their place).
I'm not sure I agree. Good manners are not the same of meekness or passivity. I think you can be polite, assertive and even forceful without being vulgar or offensive. I've found that a smile and a metaphorical "fuck you" can be as effective as a literal one shouted to someone's face.


The reaction I received in that thread ranged from "you've had this problem in the past" to "you deserve to be fired", so it is obviously something people here feel strongly about. It's also something I have to be cognizant of in the future.
I don't know about your situation, and your coworkers might have just really been jerks to you. But it seems you have an habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It doesn't have to you your fault: you may just have a very different sense of humour from their.
 
I can say anything and nobody will get offended. I'm just that smooth. :cool:

More seriously, as a general rule I don't have to worry much about being unwillingly offensive, since usually I'm very polite and cheerful. If I say something offensive to someone, you may bet that I did it knowing very well what I was doing, not just talking out of my ass.

I find that if you have been raised with a fair share of good manners you don't have worry about offending people.
Good manners just makes them think they can be more aggressive with you because they know you won't get aggressive back (as someone who prides himself on being polite, it takes me a lot of courage to snap back at someone who's unjustly attacked me and put them in their place).
I'm not sure I agree. Good manners are not the same of meekness or passivity. I think you can be polite, assertive and even forceful without being vulgar or offensive. I've found that a smile and a metaphorical "fuck you" can be as effective as a literal one shouted to someone's face.

You're quite correct, I'm sure. Unfortunately, I'm not good at being assertive and forceful. :lol: In person I tend to be very shy and over-polite. I should probably work at it, but so far I've found my options are a) be polite and well mannered, or b) snap at people. 99% of the time I work for a), because I dislike aggression and confrontation and I hate upsetting people, but lacking the esttem to be assertive sometimes I have to snap. But that's just my failing, probably.
 
Hmm, I'm afraid I have to say, that while this is true:

Be respectful and considerate of their sensibilities and recognize that in the absence of a full dossier, you have no idea what they have lived through

, this is not:

I find that if you have been raised with a fair share of good manners you don't have worry about offending people.

Good manners just makes them think they can be more aggressive with you because they know you won't get aggressive back (as someone who prides himself on being polite, it takes me a lot of courage to snap back at someone who's unjustly attacked me and put them in their place).
:wtf: Seriously? You can't stand up for yourself without being aggressive or offensive? You can't say to someone, "Look, we have to work together. If you have a problem with me, we don't have to be friends. But let's agree to be civil."
 
Do you worry overmuch about offending anyone?

I usually tread carefully around new people until I get to know them and have a better idea as to what they may or may not find offensive. I do this because I can have a pretty broad sense of humour, but I've no interest in making anyone unduly uncomfortable.

That said I've found people who are unrealistically sensitive. They're so focused on their own perceptions and their own comfort zones that they don't make allowances for anyone else.

My view is that I don't intentionally seek to offend anyone directly, but that if a harmless remark is taken out of context or construed to mean something entirely different than what I intended then that's too damned bad for them. Get over it and live in the real world.

I recall a woman who was my superior several years ago who took offense over hearing a somewhat racy joke between myself and my male coworkers. She called me aside and asked if I respected her. I replied that I had no reason to not respect her since she hadn't yet done anything to earn any disrespect from me. She responded that if I did respect her then how could I have made such racy remarks among coworkers. And, no, the joke had nothing to do with her.

I was floored. I replied that no disrespect was intended and that the joke was no more offensive than what could be heard on Just For Laughs on the Comedy Channel. It was intended as wry, goodnatured humour.

I got the sense where this was going and decided to draw a line then and there. I said that she was unrealistic if she expected to come into a workplace and expect everyone to stop being who they were just to accommodate her. She had to accept that she was now working with a bunch of middle-class men who periodically might get a bit raunchy with their remarks. It didn't mean they disrespected her, but that a little locker room like humour didn't hurt anyone.

She countered that she had a good sense of humour and was still offended. I countered that everyone thinks they have a good sense of humour, but what we all have are different senses of humour and if we're going to interact with each other then we have to make allowances for each other to some extent.

Things were left like that with her somewhat unsure of whether she'd gotten her point across. For myself I shrugged it off, and although I didn't change my behaviour around my male coworkers I did make a point of avoiding certain subjects when she was within earshot.

That said far more often than not most women I've known can be just as raunchy if not sometimes more so than guys. Most women I've known can see humour in sexually tinged observations.

I do believe, however, that how a remark is made and in what context goes a long way in diffusing it from being potentially offensive.

Truth is I'm offended all the time by things I see and hear around me everyday. I'm offended whenever I have to deal with or endure something I don't like. What it comes down to for me is whether it is really personally offensive or intrusive. I'm offended by the idea of gay marriage yet in the larger scheme of things this doesn't really affect me personally. So like with so much else I suck it up and chalk it up to living in the real world.

Are you easily offended? Or do you have a tendency to cause offense unintentionally or otherwise?

Anyone?

Usually in very large companies like the one I work for they do a lot of sexual sensitivity training..basically it amounts to: if you don't know how its going to effect someone within earshot, DONT say anything, even a joke. The company would probably tell you you were in the wrong if it had come to that.

RAMA
 
By and large, I don't go out of my way to censor myself. I tend to be very sarcastic and make some borderline jokes, and I know some people aren't too fond of that. However, I also realise that there are times where I need to make sure I keep myself reigned in.
 
Hmm, I'm afraid I have to say, that while this is true:

Be respectful and considerate of their sensibilities and recognize that in the absence of a full dossier, you have no idea what they have lived through

, this is not:

I find that if you have been raised with a fair share of good manners you don't have worry about offending people.

Good manners just makes them think they can be more aggressive with you because they know you won't get aggressive back (as someone who prides himself on being polite, it takes me a lot of courage to snap back at someone who's unjustly attacked me and put them in their place).
:wtf: Seriously? You can't stand up for yourself without being aggressive or offensive? You can't say to someone, "Look, we have to work together. If you have a problem with me, we don't have to be friends. But let's agree to be civil."


:lol: I don't think you understand what I'm saying. In person, I am one of the least aggressive and confrontational people I know; that's my point. I'm always civil, apart from when I'm pushed so hard I have to work up the courage to defend myself and momentarily become aggressive, as unnatural an impulse as it is for me. Being gentle and quiet and good mannered and co-operative by nature, people have always tried to take advantage. In the end they usually see my way is better, but before we get to that stage we have to get through their aggression. So, yes, I'm always saying, as you phrased it, "Look, we have to work together. If you have a problem with me, we don't have to be friends. But let's agree to be civil". It takes the other person time to accept that, though, in most cases, and until they do I have to defend myself which involves the ocassional snap.
 
You're quite correct, I'm sure. Unfortunately, I'm not good at being assertive and forceful. :lol: In person I tend to be very shy and over-polite. I should probably work at it, but so far I've found my options are a) be polite and well mannered, or b) snap at people. 99% of the time I work for a), because I dislike aggression and confrontation and I hate upsetting people, but lacking the esttem to be assertive sometimes I have to snap. But that's just my failing, probably.
I understand your point, and I agree it's difficult: I dislike aggression and conflicts, too. But if being taken advantage of bothers you, it's something you can work on. You don't have to feel assertive to look assertive. Just fake it. Play it like a part. I know it sounds silly, but it works. As you play the part again and again, it will become second nature. And you won't need to fake it anymore.
 
I should probably work at it, but so far I've found my options are a) be polite and well mannered, or b) snap at people. 99% of the time I work for a), because I dislike aggression and confrontation and I hate upsetting people, but lacking the esttem to be assertive sometimes I have to snap. But that's just my failing, probably.
Im exactly the same way. I dont even like to be aggressive with people online! I even feel bad leaving negative feedback on Ebay(& I usually dont)! :(
 
A 54-year-old woman has been charged with a hate crime for allegedly pulling on the headscarf of a Muslim woman in a jewelry store in Illinois and The Council on American-Islamic Relations has called for an FBI investigation.

That says it all about the state of being offended.
 
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