Being offensive....

[TheLonelySquire]

Do you worry overmuch about offending anyone?

I usually tread carefully around new people until I get to know them and have a better idea as to what they may or may not find offensive. I do this because I can have a pretty broad sense of humour, but I've no interest in making anyone unduly uncomfortable.

That said I've found people who are unrealistically sensitive. They're so focused on their own perceptions and their own comfort zones that they don't make allowances for anyone else.

My view is that I don't intentionally seek to offend anyone directly, but that if a harmless remark is taken out of context or construed to mean something entirely different than what I intended then that's too damned bad for them. Get over it and live in the real world.

I recall a woman who was my superior several years ago who took offense over hearing a somewhat racy joke between myself and my male coworkers. She called me aside and asked if I respected her. I replied that I had no reason to not respect her since she hadn't yet done anything to earn any disrespect from me. She responded that if I did respect her then how could I have made such racy remarks among coworkers. And, no, the joke had nothing to do with her.

I was floored. I replied that no disrespect was intended and that the joke was no more offensive than what could be heard on Just For Laughs on the Comedy Channel. It was intended as wry, goodnatured humour.

I got the sense where this was going and decided to draw a line then and there. I said that she was unrealistic if she expected to come into a workplace and expect everyone to stop being who they were just to accommodate her. She had to accept that she was now working with a bunch of middle-class men who periodically might get a bit raunchy with their remarks. It didn't mean they disrespected her, but that a little locker room like humour didn't hurt anyone.

She countered that she had a good sense of humour and was still offended. I countered that everyone thinks they have a good sense of humour, but what we all have are different senses of humour and if we're going to interact with each other then we have to make allowances for each other to some extent.

Things were left like that with her somewhat unsure of whether she'd gotten her point across. For myself I shrugged it off, and although I didn't change my behaviour around my male coworkers I did make a point of avoiding certain subjects when she was within earshot.

That said far more often than not most women I've known can be just as raunchy if not sometimes more so than guys. Most women I've known can see humour in sexually tinged observations.

I do believe, however, that how a remark is made and in what context goes a long way in diffusing it from being potentially offensive.

Truth is I'm offended all the time by things I see and hear around me everyday. I'm offended whenever I have to deal with or endure something I don't like. What it comes down to for me is whether it is really personally offensive or intrusive. I'm offended by the idea of gay marriage yet in the larger scheme of things this doesn't really affect me personally. So like with so much else I suck it up and chalk it up to living in the real world.

Are you easily offended? Or do you have a tendency to cause offense unintentionally or otherwise?

Anyone?

I probably offend some people but they know exactly where I'm coming from.

I do remember my wife setting up a play date for husbands of her friends at our house a few years ago. I said to the first guy that came in "Hey Pete, I realize you probably don't want to be here. And to be quite honest with you I really have all the friends I can handle right now, so let's just have a good time and put on a show for the girls". He looked a bit mortified but he got over it.

I said that to another guy at another of our get togethers and he was so happy it was beyond funny. Now I actually DO consider him a friend!

 

[JiNX-01]

I find that if you have been raised with a fair share of good manners you don't have worry about offending people. Be respectful and considerate of their sensibilities and recognize that in the absence of a full dossier, you have no idea what they have lived through, so remember to BITE YOUR TONGUE.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Hmm, I'm afraid I have to say, that while this is true:

Be respectful and considerate of their sensibilities and recognize that in the absence of a full dossier, you have no idea what they have lived through

, this is not:

I find that if you have been raised with a fair share of good manners you don't have worry about offending people.

Good manners just makes them think they can be more aggressive with you because they know you won't get aggressive back (as someone who prides himself on being polite, it takes me a lot of courage to snap back at someone who's unjustly attacked me and put them in their place).

 

[Stone_Cold_Sisko]

I don't know... I never seem to run into these issues of inadvertently offending other people that everyone else always talks about.

I follow basic common sense, and always follow the 'treat others as you would like to be treated'. Maybe its because I"m of two minorities (ethnic and religious), and i've been hurt by certain kinds of jokes and comments in the past, so I'm unusually sensitive... but it just seems SO obvious to me what is acceptable and will offend and what won't, but again it's extremely easy for me to, in the span of half a second, substitute my own 'group' whatever it may be in the joke and gauge how it makes me feel.

In other matters, such as, say, raunchy jokes... here's something to keep in mind. People are more willing to 'go along with the joke', if they are included from the beginning. Lets say, there are three of you who hang out a lot at work, joke a lot, go to happy hours... then you're joking around in front of somebody who isn't part of your group, they're more likely to be offended than if, in an alternate reality that person was part of your group and comfortable with and a part of the natural flow of conversation. This sort of thing matters a lot in terms of perception, it's the difference between "they, that group, is sitting over there mocking others" and "we're all just having some laughs". they vs we. People's egos enter into it too.

 

[Praxius]

Oh yeah and I also suppose that in a manner, I do at least try to not offend people, esspecially online.... I know this because over the years of playing around in various forums, I've learned that my two line responses never really explained what exactly it was that I was trying to say, people got offended a lot more often, misunderstood what I was trying to say, etc...... which now explains why my posts are generally quite long.

The further I explain things I say, the less confusion and chance of someone being offended there is I have found. Mind you some people still get offended, but I'm not about to realign the damn planets for a few tightwads.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I don't know... I never seem to run into these issues of inadvertently offending other people that everyone else always talks about.

I follow basic common sense, and always follow the 'treat others as you would like to be treated'. Maybe its because I"m of two minorities (ethnic and religious), and i've been hurt by certain kinds of jokes and comments in the past, so I'm unusually sensitive... but it just seems SO obvious to me what is acceptable and will offend and what won't, but again it's extremely easy for me to, in the span of half a second, substitute my own 'group' whatever it may be in the joke and gauge how it makes me feel.

In other matters, such as, say, raunchy jokes... here's something to keep in mind. People are more willing to 'go along with the joke', if they are included from the beginning. Lets say, there are three of you who hang out a lot at work, joke a lot, go to happy hours... then you're joking around in front of somebody who isn't part of your group, they're more likely to be offended than if, in an alternate reality that person was part of your group and comfortable with and a part of the natural flow of conversation. This sort of thing matters a lot in terms of perception, it's the difference between "they, that group, is sitting over there mocking others" and "we're all just having some laughs". they vs we. People's egos enter into it too.

It's not jokes and comments of this nature I was talking about. I actually never make such jokes in public because I find them upsetting. That's sort of my point; you can be the most sensitive and respectful person there is, and you'll still be attacked by people who simply find your individuality offensive for not fitting into their rigidly defined ideas of how people should think or behave.

 

[SeerSGB]

You never really know what's going to piss in someone's cheerios at any given moment. I have known people that got pissed if you said "Bless you" when they sneezed, and I've known customers that would call in a bitch for NOT being carded for beer purchases-- "What you're saying I look old, that I'm so old looking that you don't need to card me! Get your manager!"

 

[John Picard]

You never really know what's going to piss in someone's cheerios at any given moment. I have known people that got pissed if you said "Bless you" when they sneezed, and I've known customers that would call in a bitch for NOT being cared for beer purchases-- "What you're saying I look old, that I'm so old looking that you don't need to call me! Get your manager!"

Here you go:

Old is a relative term. The proper adjectives to use in this case would be, "worn out", "ancient", and "beaten down by life. That is why I did not card you".

 

[Shatmandu]

Just be yourself.

If you walk around worrying about not offending anyone, you're fucked. Because there's ALWAYS going to be someone who finds you offensive.

Joe, unfucked

 

[Holdfast]

I guess I have a pretty contrary attitude on this topic:

I'm naturally pretty careful with what I say and don't say (or rather, HOW I say it). So I don't tend to offend people much because of that care. I can say some "out there" things at times, but have ways of doing so that don't offend and instead causes smiles. But on the other hand, I have a very clear idea of whether I'm right or wrong about something, so if someone disagrees with me or asks me to do things I believe are illogical/inefficient and can't back up their opinion, my respect for them decreases markedly and if they're allegedly meant to be some sort of authority figure, they will soon realise that I don't think very much of them. They can get offended by that.

My juniors tend to love me, as do most of my peers. So do my seniors, unless they're directly overseeing me, in which case they often end up feeling the force of my ego, & learn that I can be a tough nut to crack. This doesn't make much difference to my career, since I already know I'm not suited to working within large, monolithic & inefficient organizations and will leave my current one within a couple of years anyway and for various reasons, they would find it quite hard to fire me before then.

 

[sidious618]

I say what I think but it's rarely offensive to someone in particular. I do try not to offend, though.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I never try to be offensive but often times people misconstrue my comments as offensive. Not my fault; blame the other people, i say.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

You never really know what's going to piss in someone's cheerios at any given moment. I have known people that got pissed if you said "Bless you" when they sneezed, and I've known customers that would call in a bitch for NOT being cared for beer purchases-- "What you're saying I look old, that I'm so old looking that you don't need to call me! Get your manager!"

Here you go:

Old is a relative term. The proper adjectives to use in this case would be, "worn out", "ancient", and "beaten down by life. That is why I did not card you".

I get a lot of crap from customers when I card them and then for whatever reason refuse their order. Either they have expired IDs (in which case I am entirely within my rights to refuse) or they're with a group of people and not all of them have IDs (ditto). They have no recourse against me. We don't have to sell them a damn thing. But still they bitch.

 

[melancholymecha]

yes I always worry about offending people. I have Aspergers Syndrome so I sometimes have trouble with all the social rights & wrongs... Im much better than I used to be but sometimes I mess up, especially when it comes to acting around men & people my age group.

here's an example of something that happened to me in a photoshop class once, which has ended up making me paranoid about the subject of offending... this guy who always used the computer next to me wanted to show me this project he was working on, it was some kind of poster for something I cant remember now & it used a photo of a romantic couple in victorian costume. He asked for my opinion & I told him I thought it looked great... then I sort of just commented that the guy in the photo looked kinda old for the woman. Well he got all really offended & glared at me & told me angrily that the guy in the photo was him and that the woman was his girlfriend. I felt so awful & embarrassed. From that day on he always treated me like i was a complete moron, always rolling his eyes at anything I would say. It got to the point that I had to stop using the computer next to him b/c for some reason whenevr I talked to him he would answer me in a condesending tone, like i was a 6 year old.

so yeah I have to watch out for stuff like that. I also am very sensitive and shy myself & get offended very easily. For example I cant stand getting catcalls & whistling from guys in the street. I know a lot of people see it as harmless or even a complement but it always makes me feel vulnerable.

 

[The Castellan]

I never care if someone gets upset. As I mentioned in another thread, I'm a libertarian, pansexual pagen. That ALONE is enough to upset people, especially if you live in a small, midwestern town, as I do.....my town had like NINE CHURCHES.

Anyhow, I also openly discuss stuff that upsets people....be it sexuality, the paranormal, my ET/UFO research/studies, the fact I hated the Bush Administration very openly, That NASA's a joke and an embarassment, that I'm not a Star Wars fan, that I think Michell McCool's the worst female wrestler I ever seen, that I like the very first Trek film over all the others, that I don't do neither the pledge of alliegence, nor standing for the national anthem ~dodges a bottle someone tossed~, or the fact I think the God Father was a godawful film.

See, I pretty much will upset someone at some point, so I'm not going to fuss much over that.

 

[The Castellan]

I've known customers that would call in a bitch for NOT being carded for beer purchases-- "What you're saying I look old, that I'm so old looking that you don't need to card me! Get your manager!"

I seen that once and I said to them, "Then get the drinking age lowered and you won't have to worry....plus that would be cool as fuck! "

 

[Kestra]

I do try to avoid offending people, because I'm not a fan of conflict and I wouldn't want to make someone upset. I can be pretty easily offended but I usually try to keep it to myself if I think I may be overreacting.

There are two types of people that really get to me, though. The kind who will say something incredibly offensive and then try to pass it off as a joke. And if you don't get it, you don't have a sense of humor. Then there are those people in life who go around looking to be offended and get off on playing the righteous victim. My basic rule is to be polite and try to respect others. Doesn't always work.

 

[TremblingBluStar]

Oddly enough, I posted a thread yesterday about a job I was recently fired from for the most part for saying things that offended people and making my supervisor nervous about what I say in front of clients (even though I am very ethical when it comes to clients).

The reaction I received in that thread ranged from "you've had this problem in the past" to "you deserve to be fired", so it is obviously something people here feel strongly about. It's also something I have to be cognizant of in the future. The place I worked for was 99% women, and the field I am going into ranges from 50% or higher women.

A few of the things I said that offended people - I was talking with my supervisor and she mentioned a client who had a restraining order against his teenage son. I said, sardonically, "where can I get one of those?". She looked at me quizzically and said "you wouldn't be able to see your son". I had to explain to her that I was just joking, and really do want to be around my own son.

Another time I was talking about a client who told me, when his child was misbehaving that in his country he would spank his son. I said to coworkers, jokingly, "you want to spank your kid, go right head!" They laughed, and I immediately explained that I was joking, and I didn't really say this. My supervisor overheard the comment, and it was brought up on several occasions and she flat out refused to believe I didn't really say this despite my constant denial. According to her "you told everybody you really did say it", which was not true.

Later on, the comment that I'm convinced led to me being fired, I was sitting with girls from my team and my supervisor. A couple of women were pregnant and talking about their pregnancy. Someone said to one of my team mates, who has told me on several occasions that she never plans on being pregnant, "wait until you end up pregnant". I said to the lady who made the comment, clearly smiling and joking, "she doesn't want to be pregnant. I don't think she likes boys", followed by "I'm joking of course".

This lead to several scoldings from my supervisor about how "you don't talk about coworkers sexuality". Which is ironic, because at my last work place, one of my higher ups joked constantly about me having "a gay man's taste in clothes", meaning I dressed nice everyday.

A little bit after that the girls were talking about how ugly stretch marks are and how much they are dreading them. I said to them "I don't know what you are talking about. I think stretch marks are attractive".

This lead to another scolding about how "you don't talk about what you find attractive at work". My sup then told me I "say stupid things without thinking about it".

So, a point to end this rant, watch what you say at work! :-) It can and will get you fired. Even if no logically thinking human being could possibly be offended by what you say and any person with a semblance of self worth would have laughed it off and forgotten it. People will, whether out of spite or self-righteousness, make trouble for you!

 

[RandyS]

I've seen so much of the ugly side of people that it takes a hell of alot to offend me. And I never worry about being offensive myself, people take things the way they do. Not a hell of alot I can do about it.

 

[MeanJoePhaser]

I never care if someone gets upset. As I mentioned in another thread, I'm a libertarian, pansexual pagen.

Do you oil the pan before you have sex with it?

Just asking for...curiousity.