Being offensive....

[Warped9]

Do you worry overmuch about offending anyone?

I usually tread carefully around new people until I get to know them and have a better idea as to what they may or may not find offensive. I do this because I can have a pretty broad sense of humour, but I've no interest in making anyone unduly uncomfortable.

That said I've found people who are unrealistically sensitive. They're so focused on their own perceptions and their own comfort zones that they don't make allowances for anyone else.

My view is that I don't intentionally seek to offend anyone directly, but that if a harmless remark is taken out of context or construed to mean something entirely different than what I intended then that's too damned bad for them. Get over it and live in the real world.

I recall a woman who was my superior several years ago who took offense over hearing a somewhat racy joke between myself and my male coworkers. She called me aside and asked if I respected her. I replied that I had no reason to not respect her since she hadn't yet done anything to earn any disrespect from me. She responded that if I did respect her then how could I have made such racy remarks among coworkers. And, no, the joke had nothing to do with her.

I was floored. I replied that no disrespect was intended and that the joke was no more offensive than what could be heard on Just For Laughs on the Comedy Channel. It was intended as wry, goodnatured humour.

I got the sense where this was going and decided to draw a line then and there. I said that she was unrealistic if she expected to come into a workplace and expect everyone to stop being who they were just to accommodate her. She had to accept that she was now working with a bunch of middle-class men who periodically might get a bit raunchy with their remarks. It didn't mean they disrespected her, but that a little locker room like humour didn't hurt anyone.

She countered that she had a good sense of humour and was still offended. I countered that everyone thinks they have a good sense of humour, but what we all have are different senses of humour and if we're going to interact with each other then we have to make allowances for each other to some extent.

Things were left like that with her somewhat unsure of whether she'd gotten her point across. For myself I shrugged it off, and although I didn't change my behaviour around my male coworkers I did make a point of avoiding certain subjects when she was within earshot.

That said far more often than not most women I've known can be just as raunchy if not sometimes more so than guys. Most women I've known can see humour in sexually tinged observations.

I do believe, however, that how a remark is made and in what context goes a long way in diffusing it from being potentially offensive.

Truth is I'm offended all the time by things I see and hear around me everyday. I'm offended whenever I have to deal with or endure something I don't like. What it comes down to for me is whether it is really personally offensive or intrusive. I'm offended by the idea of gay marriage yet in the larger scheme of things this doesn't really affect me personally. So like with so much else I suck it up and chalk it up to living in the real world.

Are you easily offended? Or do you have a tendency to cause offense unintentionally or otherwise?

Anyone?

 

[SeerSGB]

I don't go out of my way-- most of the time-- to offend someone. But at the sametime, I don't overly worry about what I'm going to say. As long as I know what I'm talking about and I'm being honest, then I just worry about getting the point across as clearly and precisely as possible.

As for women being as raunchy as men: Some are worse. What I've found is the level of raunch among a gender is directly related to their percentage of the work force. Meaning, the more of one gender you have in a place of employment the ruancher that gender is cause they are in their comfort zone.

 

[Amaris]

I used to watch everything I said, as not to offend anyone. Finally, a couple of years ago I realized that someone will always be offended about something, and there was nothing I could do about that. So, I decided that I would just speak my mind plainly, with no malice, and leave it at that. The number of people offended skyrocketed, and I've been accused of being everything from a bigot to a racist to a fascist, a socialist, a heathen, a holy roller and everything in between. It seems to me people read more into what they believe someone says than what that person actually says. I just don't worry about it anymore.

As for myself, no, I'm not easily offended. I assume people speak with the best of intentions.
Only once I'm certain they are purposely trying to offend me do I get annoyed, but not offended. I just wonder why they want to waste my time and theirs by being assholes.

J.

 

[Warped9]

I don't go out of my way-- most of the time-- to offend someone. But at the sometime, I don't overly worry about what I'm going to say. As long as I know what I'm talking about and I'm being honest, then I just worry about getting the point across as clearly and precisely as possible.

As for women being as raunchy as men: Some are worse. What I've found is the level of raunch among a gender is directly related to their precentage of the work force. Meaning, the more of one gender you have in a place of employment the ruancher that gender is cause they are in their comfort zone.

We seem to be pretty much on the same page.

One thing I've found amusing is surprising younger people who think they're pushing limits that an older generation can't accept or appreciate. Essentially every generation seems to think they invented sex or low humour. I love the shocked look on their faces when I've shown I can easily cross their boundaries and leave 'em in the dust.

A couple of days ago some young'uns at work seemed to be trying to shock me with some veiled remarks related to anal sex. I simply said, "Well, if the grass is wet then play in the mud." They simply couldn't believe what I'd said.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Do you worry overmuch about offending anyone?

No, not really.

Some times I even do it on purpose. Like THIS.

But that's not really 'offense', as such. It's just talkin' trash, like sports fans normally do. It's expected. I don't get offended when I hear "Yankees Suck", because I know Red Sox fans will say it. Same story here.

 

[John Picard]

I once worked for a law firm and called the gal in my group "Sugar Britches". Then again, she worked with nothing but guys and was used to us acting like, well -- boys. There are a lot of stuck up prudes out there of both genders. You should have told her that you didn't respect her when she asked, and then smacked her on the ass.

 

[Warped9]

I once worked for a law firm and called the gal in my group "Sugar Britches". Then again, she worked with nothing but guys and was used to us acting like, well -- boys. There are a lot of stuck up prudes out there of both genders. You should have told her that you didn't respect her when she asked, and then smacked her on the ass.

She had a wide load and I might have injured my hand.

 

[Rii]

I have no interest in offending folk, yet it certainly happens. The key thing, I find, is not the act of offending itself, but intentionality, motive, and - in the event that the offence given was unintentional - subsequent behaviour once one becomes aware that one has offended. I've known folks who were outrageously offensive by any objective standard who've never given me cause to raise an eyebrow, and others whom most would consider charming, intelligent, polite individuals whom I'd never turn my back on. My largest social red flags are indications by word or deed of arrogance, intolerance, malice, and casual judgement or disregard for the feelings of others. I'm not perfect on this score, indeed I displayed such behaviour only a few hours ago on this board, but it's a standard I try to hold for myself as well as others.

 

[sojourner]

Why would someone be offended by a gay marriage? Unless they are being forced into one?

 

[Warped9]

^^ Offense may be the wrong word. I don't agree with it personally, but as I said it doesn't affect me personally so I really have no substantial basis to act against it.

 

[Praxius]

I also do not go out to intentionally offend people, but I speak what's on my mind, I don't beat around the bush and I call things as I see them.

Esspecially online, I can not pre-determine every single person's level of comfort on whatever the topic may be, nor can they do the same for me, nor would I expect them to.

I don't go out to insult people, call them names or wish unfortunate things to occur to them, as whatever my point may be that I'm trying to get across, I can do just fine without resorting to the above.

If I am speaking my mind/opinion on something, express my beliefs and explain why I have them and somehow someone get's offended by what I say..... too bad, get over it.

As it goes for jokes that not everybody would find tasteful, I make sure that only those I wish to hear it, hear it. If someone is around who I know is uptight, I'll either wait until they leave ear shot, or just don't say it.

But..... if I'm telling a joke to a couple of people and someone said they wanted to hear it after one of my typical disclaimers of the content of the joke, and then they get all offended and moody, once again.... tough. I'm not going to lose any sleep over the matter and they're just going to have to go on with their precious little lives.

I may say something like "Sorry you're offended" but that's it. I'm not going to say "Sorry that I offended you" because I didn't.... they offended themselves by saying they were cool and they wanted to hear the joke. I warned them, thus it's their own fault, just as it's the fault of anybody who gets offended by a tv show that clearly explained beforehand what content was in the show (course language, nudity, etc.)

 

[Praxius]

Oh, but one thing I always say in response to people who get uptight over
controversial jokes is this:

"If you can't joke about everything, then you can't joke about anything."

Esspecially at funerals.

Then again the men in my family do have a morbid sense of humor. Cases in point:

• My uncle a few years back before he passed away was on the subway in Montreal with my father. Accross from where they were sitting was a guy who looked like he was a watch repairman who had all these little tools and gadgets with him. He had his briefcase opened up, a watch in his hand and a tool in the other as he tinkered around with his device. Everything was all calm and quiet for the most part, when suddenly my uncle leans towards the man and shouts "HAVING TROUBLES WITH YOUR BOMB?!"

To say the least a few heads turned, lol.

• My dad who's a school teacher was sitting around with another fellow school teacher, whom both were friends for many years, having a couple of drinks back home. They were chatting away like they always do, had a few in them, when my dad's friend turned to him and said "You know what? You're alright...... you're a good man..... In fact, if you die before me, I promise you that I'll come and visit your grave and pour a whole bottle of your favorite dark rum on your grave out of respect............ of course I'm gonna drink it first."

 

[Garak]

Get a couple drinks in me.....

 

[John Picard]

• My dad who's a school teacher was sitting around with another fellow school teacher, whom both were friends for many years, having a couple of drinks back home. They were chatting away like they always do, had a few in them, when my dad's friend turned to him and said "You know what? You're alright...... you're a good man..... In fact, if you die before me, I promise you that I'll come and visit your grave and pour a whole bottle of your favorite dark rum on your grave out of respect............ of course I'm gonna drink it first."

That's a true friend!

 

[nevermore]

I once worked for a law firm and called the gal in my group "Sugar Britches". Then again, she worked with nothing but guys and was used to us acting like, well -- boys. There are a lot of stuck up prudes out there of both genders. You should have told her that you didn't respect her when she asked, and then smacked her on the ass.

Wow. So, women who are not cool with being demeaned at work for the amusement of their male colleagues are "stuck up prudes"? Jokes are one thing, derogatory names and physical assault is another.

edit: And no, I generally don't censor myself or my opinions in order to not offend people, nor do I attack or try to offend them personally unless they're an asshole.

 

[Zulu Romeo]

I do try and be careful about what I say anywhere. Even in social circles, I usually don't really say anything unless I really, really mean what I say. Usually I see no real profit in trying to be deliberately antagonistic for the sake of it, whether I'm "wrong" or "right". However, I am only human and sometimes I do lose my rag.

I actually do go out of my way a little to ensure that I don't offend a large number of people (although some people can't help but feel offended by the very idea of me ), and if there is a certain degree of offence that can be derived, for example if the recipient is having an off-day or if my statement could be misconstrued and twisted against me, then if I feel what I need to say is worth saying, i.e. highly likely to benefit the conversation in terms of content and/or tone, AND less likely to cause harm overall, then I do warn them (often after the event ) about its potential offensive nature.

However, sometimes there are unavoidable moments of unintentional offence usually because I have yet to gauge the level at which to pitch my views, often as a result of not knowing others as well as I'd have liked to at that point. For example there have been a few occasions where the expression of my concept of "wuv" both confused and infuriated them.

 

[John Picard]

I once worked for a law firm and called the gal in my group "Sugar Britches". Then again, she worked with nothing but guys and was used to us acting like, well -- boys. There are a lot of stuck up prudes out there of both genders. You should have told her that you didn't respect her when she asked, and then smacked her on the ass.

Wow. So, women who are not cool with being demeaned at work for the amusement of their male colleagues are "stuck up prudes"?

I did not say that. Please pay heed to the part in bold.

Jokes are one thing, derogatory names and physical assault is another.

The last part was my being facetious. IT'S A JOKE!

 

[Sephiroth]

I don't censor myself

 

[ITL]

I have to admit that I do worry about offending others, even when I shouldn't - I was brought up that way, and I can't seem to shake it - with the occasional exception if it's someone I purposely want to offend for whatever reason. But that's pretty rare.

I tend to assume that if someone takes offence to me or something I've said then I'm the one at fault, rather than it being over-sensitivity on their part. Stupid, I know.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Finally, a couple of years ago I realized that someone will always be offended about something, and there was nothing I could do about that. So, I decided that I would just speak my mind plainly, with no malice, and leave it at that. The number of people offended skyrocketed, and I've been accused of being everything from a bigot to a racist to a fascist, a socialist, a heathen, a holy roller and everything in between. It seems to me people read more into what they believe someone says than what that person actually says.

Agreed. I have found the same thing. I've been (incorrectly) accused of being any number of things, many of them directly contradictory or opposite to one another. For example, I've had one person call me a misogynist only for someone else to call me a rabid feminist extremist. So which is it? Well, neither, they just make assumptions illogically.

If I have truly offended someone, hurt their feelings and wounded that person on a genuine personal level, I always apologise sincerely, even if I don't apologise for the beliefs behind what I said. I would never wish to cause offense like that. However, lots of people take offense not because they have truly been wounded, but because offense is their programmed response in that particular social situation, or because hearing unconventional beliefs sends up red flags and = indignation response. I can't count the number of times ignorant and aggressive people have attacked me for any number of perceived offenses when they're getting totally the wrong end of the stick; it isn't my fault they don't understand my response to an issue because they're used to thinking in set, rigidly defined ways.

However:

I worry a lot about truly offending people because the idea upsets me.

I worry a lot about causing "offense" because experience has taught me that if people don't like what you've said- or more accurately, what they have ignorantly read into what you said- they will often attack you.