TOS Caption Contest #141: Pox Marks the Spot

[Shatmandu]

All,

Wow, that was a good one. I honestly didn't think there was much to do with the Circle-Kirk one, but you guys really kicked the shit out of it.

Lots of winners this week, and not just my usual "fart joke = a win" choices.

And, you'll note, there are several first-time winners again this week:

Camera operator: Can someone get me some paper towels so I can get this Shat off my lense?

Kirk: "Scotty. Do you forsee an end to those sideburns anytime soon?"

Scotty: "I didn't find that tweet about me finger particularly funny, jackass."

As Scotty counted Kirk realized playing Hide-n-Seek wasn't much fun on the smallest planet in the quadrant.

Apollo (off camera): "What?! What were you two doing back there?!"
Scotty: "You're a god. You figure it out!"
*LIGHTNING BOLT*

And the photoshop winners went nuts on Circle-Kirk:

Anyone got some more quarters?​

"Very funny, Scotty, now set the transporter settings back to normal!"

And my hat goes off to Sovay with this one. Note the reflections in the eyes. Terrific work, and funny:

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH"

Again, great job everyone. It was a bitch to chose.

Here are this week's bitches:

Lurkers and newcomes, chime in.

Joe, in the key of M


TOS Caption Contest Pantheon of Winners

26138 (2x)
A beaker full of death (4x)
Adam Ihle (4x)
AlphaTrionTJW
Alrik
Alyssa (3x)
ancient
Atavachron (2x)
Bad Atom (2x)
Battrekker
brian
Cakes488
CaptainJon
captain crow (3x) ****BIG WINNER, TWICE IN A ROW!****
Captain Kate (2x)
Classic Fan
commodore64
cooleddie74 (23x)

cultcross
DeafPoet
Defcon (2x)
Deranged Nastat
Diesel Micky Dolenz (12x)
Dohlman
DrBob (11x)
DS9Sega (7x)
EliyahuQeoni (3x)
EnsignHarper
FishDS9
galleywest (4x)
Gary7 (2x)
Gertch (26x)

****BIG WINNER!!****
goldbug (3x)
Guartho
Haggis and Tatties
Hambone (2x)
highlander (12x)
Isis
Jackson_Roykirk
J. Allen (2x)
jayrath
Jeri
Johnnyracefan
John_Picard (4x)
jptrekker
Kahloke
Kegek (2x)
Kirby
KJM
Mallory (4x)
MGagen
middyseafort (9x)
Mistral (2x)
Mojochi
M'Sharak (14x)
NCC-1701 (7x)
Nebusj
Nerys Myk (35x)

Noname Given (2x)
NTRPRZ
Outpost4 (16x)

Quo Vadimus
Rat Boy (43!x)

****TWICE IN ONE CONTEST!!****
Redfern
SciFi75 (5x)
scottydog (20x)

Sector 7
Shatmandu (25x)

Shaw (3X) ****TWICE IN ONE CONTEST!!****
shivkala
Sir Rhosis (2x)
S'Kai
Sovay ****FIRST TIME WINNER! KICK-ASS!****
Super Grover
Tallis Rhul
Tan Ru
T'Bonz (8x)
terranova
Tharpdevenport (3x)
the 4th hanson bro (4x)
TheGallifreyanSith
The Castellan
The Cutest of Borg (2x)
The Laughing Vulcan (18x)

The Old Mixer
The Squire of Gothos (11x)
The Tone (2x)
TigerOfDarkness (2x)
Tim M (3x)
Toban Kal
Tribble ****SECOND TIME IN A ROW WINNER FROM A NEWCOMER!!****
Triskelion (17x)

Tristan
Turbo (2x)
UssGlenn
vassa
Ward Fowler (4x)
Woulfe (4x)
Yeoman Randi ****FIRST TIME WINNER! WOO-HOO!****
Zachery Smith

Mudd Club

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock: "Here you go, don't care, long dead. Here you go, don't care, long dead. Here you go ..."

Scotty: "Is there anything else on?"

Van Gelder: "WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?"

Kirk, to McCoy: "Is it possible to OD on body hair remover?"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Spock: No soup for you!

Scotty: Ach! The captain's found meh secret stash of meth!

Van Gelder: I'll show you on the doll where Doctor Adams touched me! I'll show you!

Kirk: Send another yeoman down, Mr. Spock. The last one fainted before finishing the electrolysis on my ass hairs.

 

[Nerys Myk]

FLO: The new guy's a bit odd.

ALICE: Yeah, he keeps calling Mel "Krako".

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock, muttering: "Kirk gets to hump the boss while I hand out swill to assholes. <then louder, to man> Here. Don't steal the cup, fucker ..."

Scotty: "He'll make a stupid joke about laundry detergent."
Kirk (filtered): "'How do you get shirts so clean, Mr. Lee?' Hee-haw!"
McCoy: "Niiice."

Van Gelder: "NO, NOT HERE FOR SEX CHANGE ..."
McCoy: "I'm the doctor here, you crazy prick."

Kirk: "Gimme Rand, Uhura, and Tamura and ... and ... hey, why don't we have any Latina broads on board?"

<Kirk pauses, looks side to side, then drops pants, leans on rock, and starts to shit.>
Bridge crew, shielding eyes, as one: "Aw, jeez ..."

 

[Nerys Myk]

It wasn't the first time Kirk had woken up naked in a ship's corridor.

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk, to McCoy: "Sulu invited me in, to look at his etchings. And now I'm here."

 

[MANT!]

1st Geezer- "Hey! you got my order wrong."
2nd Geezer- "Damn illegal aliens.. you're lucky you didn't go through the drive through!"

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock: "That the vehicle would suffer no damage after such a maneuver is highly illogical."
McCoy, shaking head: "Nothing worse than someone taking a TV show too seriously ..."

<Cheers ring out. Spock gives a hidden golf clap.>

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: I love this part.

 

[Shatmandu]

Takei: "I honestly don't know who to root for."

Spock: "I love the classics."






**** Note: If you want to test your wife's stress-level, be in the middle of a google search for "Porky's" images when she comes in to say goodnight.****

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock: "I am afraid our coffee machine is malfunctioning at the moment. How much longer, Grignak?"

Grignak: "Parts you name, money I name, otherwise repairs noooooooooo!"

McCoy: "Get some goddamn sulfur, you idiot!"

Spock: "Must you always yell at the television?"

McCoy: "I really hate it when their insurance doesn't cover nude jumping jacks."

Kirk: "Bridge, this is the captain. I think I'm having that dream again, the one where I walk into the woman's locker room naked..."

Uhura: "It's not a dream and put some goddamn pants on!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

VAN GELDER: So which one of you guys is going first?

 

[Shatmandu]

Love the Grignak one, Rat Boy.

Coot: "Put a little whisky in there?"
<Spock squints, then breaks a full coffee mug against Coot's cheekbone, shattering both.>
Spock: "Next."

<Kirk leans over more, vomits.>
McCoy: "A tube of raw cookie dough a day will do that to you."

Van Gelder: "THE DOCTOR WAS CUPPING MY BALLS DURING THAT MIND-MELD. <throws head back> GLAH-NGUUUUUNNNNNN ..."
McCoy, eyes flitting: "The man's clearly disturbed ..."

Kirk: "Scotty just came into my quarters, drunk, and pissed in my closet."

 

[Rat Boy]

Coot: "But I wanted ham!"

Spock: "Here, you want ham? Here's the next best thing!"

*spits in sandwich*

Spock: "NEXT!"

Sulu: "You know, he could just hit the guy over the head with the bamboo stick and be done with it."

Van Gelder: "But they said there wouldn't be death panels?"

McCoy: "Piss off! Nobody likes a whiner!"

Kirk: "I just saw Rand naked."

Uhura: "Red alert! Red alert! All hands to battlestations!"

 

[M'Sharak]

"Extra cheese on mine, pointy guy... " [eyes bug out] " ...and NO damned anchovies!"

 

[Shatmandu]

Coot: "But I wanted ham!"
Spock: "Here, you want ham? Here's the next best thing!"
*spits in sandwich*
Spock: "NEXT!"

Spock: "Oh, you wanna talk to the manager? Here's the manager <slaps Coot with dirty spatula>. NEXT!"

Spock: "You're fighting a big, slow lizard. Just kill all the flies."

McCoy: "No, we're not talking about you. Shut the fuck up! <turns back to Spock> Anyway, Van Gelder here says, 'BLEE-BLEE-BLEE, THEY MADE ME WATCH THE SPINNY LIGHT, WEE-WEE-WEE ... Pussy."

Kirk: "Is the 'I'm fucking someone' signal a sock or a tie on the doorknob?"
McCoy, filtered: "When's the last time you saw a tie on this ship?"
Kirk: "Oh, yeah ..."

 

[Gepard]

Five hours into his shift, Kirk wonders if he forgot something.

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "I just found a goddamned finger in my salad."
Steward: "A chicken finger or a finger-finger?"
<Kirk turns, blinks at speaker.>

 

[Captain Crow]

Thanks for choosing me as one of the winners Shatmandu.

Van Gelder: No, not the mind probe!

Voice on intercom: Attention crew. There appears to be a naked, hairless, doughy guy with an erection and a bad rug wandering the the ship. He his armed with a comically small weapon. If you see this man please alert security.

Kirk: I hope I don't bump into that guy.

Sulu: I wonder how long it will take that buffoon to rip his shirt.

Old Guy: Hey, what this? It looks like you peed in the bowl.

Spock: It's... uh... lemon soup.

McCoy: That cat never gets old.

Spock: I must admit that Mike Nelson does a good Captain Janeway impression.

Sulu: Whose's Captain Janeway?

Spock: Never mind.

Spock takes his turn feeding those who are stuck in the caption contest waiting room.