"Blessed canine excrement! Texas? Only male cows and homosexuals come from Texas, Private Anachronistic Texan Stereotype. And you do not possess the traits of a male cow, in my opinion, which, eliminates that option. Do you perform fellatio on the male genitalia?"
"I came here to partake of colloidal polysaccharide substances of plant origin that are gelatinous when moist but harden on drying and are salts of complex organic acids and soundly defeat my enemies. I am, however, out of colloidal polysaccharide substances of plant origin that are gelatinous when moist but harden on drying and are salts of complex organic acids."
(EDIT: Sorry, I saw the second one had been done already, so consider mine a second draft quote!)
"I'm some asshole who's breaking safety regulations and should, by all rights, slip and fall into this ocean!"