Relationship Q: When to say 'I Love You'

[Star Treks]

I'm 25, almost 26, and have a 22-year-old girlfriend.

While I've dated before plenty of times, I've never really had any kind of long term romantic relationship, so in essence this is my first real girlfriend. We've only been going out for about three weeks, but it's been pretty intense - lots of making out, for example, and she practically lives at my house already.

As far as I can tell she seems to dig me and I don't want to do anything to complicate the relationship. At the same time, I am a naturally affectionate person. Anyway, all this is a prelude to my question:

When is it cool to say "I love you" to your girlfriend? When is too soon? I know everyone's different, but I'm sure there are some reasonable guidelines. I've read varying accounts that say everything from wait a month to wait a year. I'd like to hear what you all think, though.

 

[Lindley]

I'm no expert, but my guess would be: When it's true.

 

[Star Treks]

I'm no expert, but my guess would be: When it's true.

That's sweet. Sadly, I'm an android and therefore incapable of love, but every day I hope to take one small step closer to being human.

 

[JustKate]

^ ^ That's an excellent way to put it. And maybe this will mark me as an unromantic grump, but can't happen in just three weeks. Yeah, yeah - love at first sight, I know, I know, but I don't care. You can start to love someone very soon after meeting her, but you can't really love her unless she is, at minimum, an important part of your life.

 

[Star Treks]

^ ^ That's an excellent way to put it. And maybe this will mark me as an unromantic grump, but can't happen in just three weeks. Yeah, yeah - love at first sight, I know, I know, but I don't care. You can start to love someone very soon after meeting her, but you can't really love her unless she is, at minimum, an important part of your life.

Actually, I totally agree with this. There can be infatuation at first sight, even the beginning of love, but you can't really love someone... I mean really love them - until you know their personality, until you understand at least a significant part of who they are.

Although to be fair I have known this girl for a couple years (though not well), it's just that we've been a couple for a few weeks.

I might be unromantic too, but I don't necessarily think you have to be convinced someone is your soul mate in order to tell them you love them, though.

It's all very complicated. I'm so new to it. It's nice, though.

 

[Venardhi]

It is gonna be different every time. With one girl we dated off and on for years and finally I realized right when I was about to move that I loved her. My latest girlfriend I told her within a month of us officially being together and I meant it just as much. I've dated other girls for times ranging from 1-4 months and never told them at all.

Lindley is right on for this one. You say it when you mean it, no sooner and preferably no later.

 

[USS Triumphant]

Could you be in a room with her while she has a bowel movement, and still feel the way you do about her?

As long as you're not some sort of poo fetishist, there's yer answer on whether it's love or not.

I'm no expert, but my guess would be: When it's true.

Actually, I really like that answer. But it was taken, darnit!

 

[Star Treks]

Could you be in a room with her while she has a bowel movement, and still feel the way you do about her?

As long as you're not some sort of poo fetishist, there's yer answer on whether it's love or not.

I'm no expert, but my guess would be: When it's true.

Actually, I really like that answer. But it was taken, darnit!

Sorry, I am going to need a different barometer.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

You could always test the water and say 'I think I'm falling for you'?

Make sure it's a romantic moment and not after you've just tripped up ~ depending on her sense of humour I s'pose

 

[Garak]

I"m pretty sure the moment I told my girlfriend I loved her was when she had her thumb in my ass and was feeding me a cheeseburger with her other hand. What a lady, god I love her.

 

[JustKate]

Actually, I totally agree with this. There can be infatuation at first sight, even the beginning of love, but you can't really love someone... I mean really love them - until you know their personality, until you understand at least a significant part of who they are.

Although to be fair I have known this girl for a couple years (though not well), it's just that we've been a couple for a few weeks.

I might be unromantic too, but I don't necessarily think you have to be convinced someone is your soul mate in order to tell them you love them, though.

It's all very complicated. I'm so new to it. It's nice, though.

No, no, I agree - telling someone you love her isn't the same as saying "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," but it should definitely mean a lot more than "Gee, it's fun to spend time with you."

You could always test the water and say 'I think I'm falling for you'?

Not bad! Unless...(1) She's a precise-language freak like me and would instantly wonder exactly what "falling for" means; or (2) She is imprecise in her speech and assumes "falling for"="in love with." In either case, but particularly the latter, that might make things very interesting, and probably not in a good way.

 

[Niorah]

Well, I'll take Lindely's side and tell you: do you love her? If so, tell her.

Believe me, life is too short for this kind of nonsensical musings. If it's right at the back of your throat, don't wait.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Just be honest. If you feel it, say it. If you don't, then don't say it. If the truth is that you're falling in love with her but aren't quite there yet, then say that. Just be honest!

Don't say it because you think that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship or because you think she wants to hear it. It's not something you say just to say it, it's something you say when you actually feel it in your heart. It does not imply you want to spend the rest of your life with them, it's just a statement of how you feel.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

I'm going to jump on the "Say it when it feels right" train. I recently told my girlfriend that I love her, even though we'd only been dating for about a week. I had, however, known her for over 3 months by that time and had spent an extensive amount of those 3 months with her, so I got to know her very well. By the time we began dating and started an actual relationship, it felt *right* to say it...and she felt the same way, and said it back. There is no set time when it is or isn't right to say it (although saying it on the first date is typically frowned upon).

So, basically...say it if you mean it, and mean it if you say it.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

You could always test the water and say 'I think I'm falling for you'?

Not bad! Unless...(1) She's a precise-language freak like me and would instantly wonder exactly what "falling for" means; or (2) She is imprecise in her speech and assumes "falling for"="in love with." In either case, but particularly the latter, that might make things very interesting, and probably not in a good way.

But it's the delightful ambiguity of the statement which allows her to interpret it how she wants. Which, as you say, could provoke 2 responses;

(1) 'I'm falling for you too.' ~ good!
(2) 'In what way?' ~ must have back up reply for that one!

My man told me he loved me after a couple of months, we had been friends for 4 months beforehand. But then a few months later, he said 'you know when I said I love you ~ I wasn't sure what it really meant but now I've realised I really do'

So as with previous advice ~ make sure you know you do love her before you say anything

 

[USS Triumphant]

(2) 'In what way?' ~ must have back up reply for that one!

Yes, because getting nervous and saying something like, "I dunno - plummeting to my doom" probably wouldn't go over well.

 

[Star Treks]

I think the gist I'm getting is, say it when it feels right.

I feel like I will know when the moment is right. I have a feeling it will be at the end of a particularly good day... a particularly romantic date. Something like a walk along the shore under a full moon. If I feel it then... I will say it. If it doesn't feel right, it's not the time yet. No need to force it one way or the other.

 

[sidious618]

You gotta give it more than a month. Anything less and I think it's jumping in way too soon. The ideal is at least two months into the relationship.

 

[captcalhoun]

two seconds after she tells you she loves you.

 

[Shatmandu]

When is it cool to say "I love you" to your girlfriend?

If you're considering saying it as you do any squatting of any sort, I'd hold off.

Say it when she's drunk, that way you can always deny it.

Joe, taking calls