Long distance relationships, can they work?
- Thread starter HighteeHeller
- Start date
I'm currently in somewhat of a long distance relationship. My boyfriend lives over an hour away and we only get to see each other maybe once or twice every week or so. We've been dating for two years now and while we've had some times when it really sucks to be apart, we've made it work. I think that like others have said you have to have the understanding that you'll be together at some point in the future.
I've been in a long distance relationship since last July, when my girlfriend moved to Memphis, TN. We had been dating almost a year before that, and had even been living together at that point.
We're doing great, although I agree with what most people have said above. A LDR requires that you meet or have a plan for the future and that you really trust eachother. We're hoping I have the money to move in with her later this year.
We're doing great, although I agree with what most people have said above. A LDR requires that you meet or have a plan for the future and that you really trust eachother. We're hoping I have the money to move in with her later this year.
Wow! Thanks everyone for responding!
It's been quite a learning experience reading how everyone involved in a LDR has handled this.
I've recently met up with my first bf(from 20 years ago)who lives about 3 hrs away. We've seen each other a few times, have talked a lot and really seem to hit it off(again). We are both quite settled in our lives, and though unspoken, i don't see how either of us could move to accommodate a closer relationship.
I'm probably jumping the gun but i really think that maybe in a few years things could be different, but not now. Do i pursue this now and hope for the best, or walk away because a few years is just too long?
Im not getting any younger and don't want to mess around with something that given other peoples experiences, just wont work. But that seems to not be the case(wasnt really expecting that)
Again, what everyone has shared leads me to believe that going for it seems to be the prudent course of action. Good thing my heart agrees.
It's been quite a learning experience reading how everyone involved in a LDR has handled this.
I've recently met up with my first bf(from 20 years ago)who lives about 3 hrs away. We've seen each other a few times, have talked a lot and really seem to hit it off(again). We are both quite settled in our lives, and though unspoken, i don't see how either of us could move to accommodate a closer relationship.
I'm probably jumping the gun but i really think that maybe in a few years things could be different, but not now. Do i pursue this now and hope for the best, or walk away because a few years is just too long?
Im not getting any younger and don't want to mess around with something that given other peoples experiences, just wont work. But that seems to not be the case(wasnt really expecting that)
Again, what everyone has shared leads me to believe that going for it seems to be the prudent course of action. Good thing my heart agrees.
It only works if both go in with the mindset that the other will be the one. The end game is an exclusive partner relationship and you will live together by X date.
Not entirely sure we read the same thread. Seems like the only ones that said it really worked out were those that were planning an end date to the LDR part before it started (i.e. she's gotta move for a year and finish school, etc). Your situation seems to be starting one but with both people firmly entrenched in their current area...
Good luck.
^ Sure i see what you mean but i was kind of expecting a lot of "no, don't do it, it will never work!" responses.
Right now and in the future i don't see how we can have anything but a LDR, but thats not to say things won't change. I guess i'm not one to take chances, but i think hey, why not? Look at how well it has worked for others, maybe there is hope for us as well.
Right now and in the future i don't see how we can have anything but a LDR, but thats not to say things won't change. I guess i'm not one to take chances, but i think hey, why not? Look at how well it has worked for others, maybe there is hope for us as well.
A friend of mine is married to a guy who lives in Maryland, and has been for probably about eight years now. They see each other once or twice a month and are doing very well. There are unique problems to such a marriage, but other problems common to a typical marriage are avoided. They have no set date to live together. I know that he has no intention of returning to the Boston area, and my friend would never move while her parents are alive; and she has close ties with younger relatives as well.
This is not the goal of all relationships. At all.
Nothing prematurely kills more relationships than false expectations that they should all fit into some little mold like this. Fuck that. Every relationship ends a different ways and every relationship has different parameters.
Go with the flow and take from the relationship what you find. If it doesn't last forever as "an exclusive partner relationship wherein you live together by X date" doesn't mean it didn't "work" or that it was a waste.
Those who already know all the details about my relationship, feel free to skip this post. I won't be offended. 
I'm not sure "an hour away" counts as long-distance. It can take at least an hour to get from one end of Toronto to the other.
Having been part of a road trip to Atlanta, where my sweetie lives (a year before I met him, actually), I can tell you that we're almost a 24-hour drive away from each other (and that was driving straight through, with only a couple of short breaks for meals). It took about eight or nine hours for me to get there when I visited a couple of weeks ago (but part of that was because I saved $600 by taking the bus to Buffalo and flying from there).
I can vouch for this. We talk over Skype several nights per week (only skipping those nights when he's working a night shift). We've also had meals "together" over the webcam. And as I said above, I visited a few weeks ago (we went to a con in Chattanooga together) and he's coming up for ten days or so in May.
We're not in any hurry to move in together, though we've talked about the possibility at some future date. He recently started a new job that has a real career path associated with it, and while my job doesn't (my profession does, it's just that my current employer doesn't), I'm too active in other things here to be able to move to another country right now. (Not to mention, there are all sorts of reasons why it would be better for a gay couple to live in Canada rather than the U.S.)
As for the online-versus-in-person meeting argument, we actually did meet in person before we started dating. We were introduced at Dragon*Con, hit it off, and about a month later, decided to make it official. Four months later, it's still working just fine.
I'm not sure "an hour away" counts as long-distance. It can take at least an hour to get from one end of Toronto to the other.
Having been part of a road trip to Atlanta, where my sweetie lives (a year before I met him, actually), I can tell you that we're almost a 24-hour drive away from each other (and that was driving straight through, with only a couple of short breaks for meals). It took about eight or nine hours for me to get there when I visited a couple of weeks ago (but part of that was because I saved $600 by taking the bus to Buffalo and flying from there).
Another extremely important piece of advice: you both must get webcams! For several reasons
I can vouch for this. We talk over Skype several nights per week (only skipping those nights when he's working a night shift). We've also had meals "together" over the webcam. And as I said above, I visited a few weeks ago (we went to a con in Chattanooga together) and he's coming up for ten days or so in May.
We're not in any hurry to move in together, though we've talked about the possibility at some future date. He recently started a new job that has a real career path associated with it, and while my job doesn't (my profession does, it's just that my current employer doesn't), I'm too active in other things here to be able to move to another country right now. (Not to mention, there are all sorts of reasons why it would be better for a gay couple to live in Canada rather than the U.S.)
As for the online-versus-in-person meeting argument, we actually did meet in person before we started dating. We were introduced at Dragon*Con, hit it off, and about a month later, decided to make it official. Four months later, it's still working just fine.
Not true of me. I've had 2 LDRs (one current), both lasting over three years, where both parties were firmly entrenched in their areas. These can work out fine.
Depends what you feel constitutes a 'good' relationship, and what you want to get out of it. Being tied to a phone or computer all the time, little/no physical contact, and essentially having a pen pal you talk dirty to doesn't really do it for me. My fiance lived 2 hours away for a year, but we'd been dating 1.5 years or so already at that point, and it was a 1-year thing with an expiration date for her to come back, so it worked out ok. Her moving there for good (we weren't engaged at the time) would have been much more difficult, and I don't know if it would have worked out the same way...
That is what I meant when I (crudely) made the comparison of a LDR vs non-LDR as masturbation to sex with a partner. The end result is still the same but the experience is worlds apart.
There are all kinds of love in this world. If you can feel love by reading words on a screen, or hearing a voice for 2 hours a day, that's fine. You just have to know what you are getting into...and when you are "falling in love" at the beginning, you rarely know what you are getting into.
There are all kinds of love in this world. If you can feel love by reading words on a screen, or hearing a voice for 2 hours a day, that's fine. You just have to know what you are getting into...and when you are "falling in love" at the beginning, you rarely know what you are getting into.
In short, no. At some point there has to be an expectation of being together.
RAMA
So far we have managed to see each other for 2-3 days every week for the last 5 weeks. Can't be sustained indefinitely but we seem to be making it work for now.
And he's a trekkie..whats not to love?
And he's a trekkie..whats not to love?
Congrats! I'm getting 2+ weeks with my girl in May... also a Trekkie.So far we have managed to see each other for 2-3 days every week for the last 5 weeks. Can't be sustained indefinitely but we seem to be making it work for now.
And he's a trekkie..whats not to love?
Well I am not going to say my experience is typical because both me and my girlfriend are kind of neurotic freaky people, but we had a long distance relationship for nine years before I finally permanently moved down to be with her. It's not going to work beyond a year unless you have some great commitment to the relationship though, unless you think this is the person you will always be with. You have to find some way to deal with fidelity as well whether it be porn, cold showers, cheating, phone sex, just something to sustain you.
Yes. Imposing strange restrictions on oneself or forcing a relationship to fit some formulaic scaffold seems a way of ensuring failure. Hell, I'm too lazy to be anything other than my usual curmudgeonly self.
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