Finally saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Plastic Skull

When Uwe Boll starts to make Spielberg look like a hack, there is a serious problem in Hollywood. I now understand why South Park did that one episode about Indy getting raped. He was.

It was not even good on its own. Maybe some of you liked this film, fine. But let's consider some of the following problems:

Indiana Jones films have always been your basic, Hollywood stunt-made productions with at least one foot in actual real-world physics. However expensive, bad CGI stands out as blatant as the cheapest productions of the 1950s b-movies. Spielberg and Lucas promised that they would not go overboard, but this was a lie. Then to make things worse - there was utterly no suspense - at all. Once you toss Indy in a fridge from a nuke blast, well then you realize that he is immortal and nothing can kill him.

The previous Indy films had a lot of tension of whether or not Indy and pals could overcome or even survive the obstacles thrown at them. Not this film. If there is a waterfall barrier - or three - Marion simply drives over them. If there is a cliff, Marion simply drives onto a convenient tree which then lowers them to the ground. Consider this - if in 'Jurassic Park', all Timmy and Dr. Grant had to do was drive out of the tree, would the scene have been just as exciting? No.

If there is a plastic - crystal - skull to be found, they find it quickly with very little archeological deduction required. In other words - everything was handed to the characters on a plate. Why should the audience care? When they get to the big temple - they easily find entrance and go in to the main alien room. It was like walking to school.

One thing about past Indy films, the object of desire is the end-piece of the film - it is important, exotic, hard to get. Not this plastic - err, crystal skill. They get it immediately and it turns out to be this Swiss-army multipurpose tool that opens doors by merely pointing it at them. But it is not this that bothered me the most. No, it was that it was supposed to be a CRYSTAL SKULL. By the looks of it - it was a very large crystal skull. This would not be an item that frail, little John Hurt could lightly grasp with ONE hand. It would be quite heavy.

This was one of those films where the cast seemed merely to be present. Blanchett put in a little effort but even her skills were wasted. Also I've seen more believable romantic acting from an old Love Boat' episode than what we saw between Indy and Marion. And usually John Williams manages some inspiration. In this film, the music seemed only to fill the background at best.

Other problems:

1. The opening. CGI gophers or ground squirrels are not the most inspiring way to start an Indy film. I thought we were going to pop into a really bad Caddyshack sequel.

2. So how exactly were a band of Soviet KGB running around 1950s red-scare America on military installations with little to no resistence? Again, past Indy films always kept one leg in the real world. Also, I don't think gunpowder is magnetic.

3. Why does Area 51, which was holding the warehouse of priceless and dangerous items, have little to no military security?

4. Back to the physics issue - while the nuclear detonation scene was interesting (great nuke cloud btw), the idea that a human being could hide in a lead-lined refrigerator, get flung hundreds of feet at a great velocity, and get out with little to no trouble except a quick shower, is about as believable had Lucas and Spielberg showed the fridge getting picked up by a tornado and dropped into Oz.

5. The intro segment was not the traditional Indy intros. It just dumped us unceremoniously into the plot with little to no mystery or dramatic build-up. Thanks Lucas for your usual connect the plot-dots writing.

6. Plot dead-end: We actually had one serious scene about Indy's colleague quitting over the issue of how Indy gets treated by the FBI. Nothing was ever addressed about this afterwords. Why even have the scene?

7. Minor anachronism: Mutt Williams was a 'greaser' but had no greasy hair. Am I the only one who noticed this?

8. The main plot - someone tell me why Indy and co. spent their time running from the Russians, since the Russians had the exact same goal. Indy already knows from experience that nothing good will come for the Russians, so why run from them to start with?

9. What drug-addled dream did Lucas come up with look-alike greaser monkeys that can teach Mutt how to swing from (CGI) vines faster than speeding vehicles and mysteriously aid our heroes in attacking the Russkies. Our these our terrestrial Ewoks, George?

10. Speaking of speeding vehicles, where in the Amazon are there open areas to effortlessly flee the Russians? Yeah the big chopper truck was interesting, but once the chase began it was left behind.

11. The Three waterfalls.

Sigh. Another item of real world physics George Lucas ignores is buoyancy. Ignoring the huge drops, jagged rocks, and rolling funnels of current often found at the bottom of many large waterfalls for a minute, if a metal boat gets too much water in it, it will sink. I presume that Lucas thought it would bob on the water like an inflatable raft?

12. Other plot throwaways: what did the natives have to do with all of this. Why were they on guard? Where was the explanation of lore that was always in the past films?

13. Why does Indy work to save the dude who kept betraying him again and again?

14. Related to the previous point, why did Mac even die? All he was doing was picking up treasure and he fell down. Indy valiantly grabs him but he bids Indy to go on. All he was doing was lying down.

15. Okay, so we get inter-dimensional aliens who can miraculously whip up mountain boulders like so much cake mix and not injure anyone standing perilously close to the maelstrom? Riiiight.

16. The FY Shia moment: The film goes to much trouble establishing the relationship between Indy and his new-found son. Then at the end there is a passing of the hat moment which is quickly ended as Indy snaps up his trademark headware. Did the movie lack the courage of its own convictions?

 

Here's a funny parody of the movie, I LOL'd.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/442704

 

I can always get into a good Crystal Skull Bashing thread.

The film was completely fucking embarrassing.

I truly believe anyone who likes it is delusional or retarded.

 

I think the key here is that you just saw it. I had the same reaction to it when I first walked out of the theater, but after seeing it again, it wasn't too bad. The fridge and monkeys are still a little hard to reconcile but overall it had some fun action and decent character moments. I am glad however that you mentioned the one problem I can't get past (no, not "the space between spaces" thing, I blocked that out) the gunpowder. Gunpowder is not magnetic, buckshot is, (I still can't figure out why the Russians would have any with them, were they going duck hunting later?) but not gunpowder. Anyway, I thought it was at least a little better than Temple Of Doom, so I can more or less live with it.

Signed: Semi Delusional Or Retarted

 

On the waterfalls part my dad said this

"ehhhhh you'd be dead in real life. Only in a movie can you survive"

The greaser monkeys were a slap in the face and so was the CGI gophers.

Also, what the hell happened to Indy's "edge"! Same thing happened to Han Solo.

Indy would not start talking like a teacher while sinking quick sand. This was the guy that use to say "JESUS" when Marion accidently burned him and "no shit" at the Uboat.

 

I like it, it's fun feels like the other films and runs circles around Temple of Doom.

 

I disagree. As flawed as Temple was, it was light years better than this film. And that's a very sad thing.

 

Fun film, people took too seriously, fanboys ey

 

Some people mellow with age. At this point, he's probably done more teaching than adventuring. It may be one of the more plausible aspects of the film.

 

I ahven't seen the new one because I have seen the ads with the fake car chase / car battle thing. That is some of the worst CGI ever, makes some of the new King Kong movie loook great.

 

It's two hours of my life that I want back.

 

This film was definitely a distant fourth if you were to rank the Indy movies, but when you compare it to rape in the first paragraph, there's no point for me to read on.

 

I guess you missed the comment about South Park, huh?

 

The OP agrees with the South Park episode. No misunderstanding here. Where's the disagreement?

 

The only scene worth watching was the fridge scene -- because it was hilariously absurd. The rest of the movie sucked.

 

The OP wasn't the one who originally compared it to rape, South Park did. The OP just agreed.

 

Isn't Chia Pet L'Goof in the latest Indy installment?

I remember hearing this Crystal Skull thigamajig was an alien artifact.

How does CS stack up vs the Indy films of a score ago+?

I haven't seen CS but it doesn't look like it has the same: charm? charisma? aura? hook?

Based on what I've seen it appears to be missing that certain “something” the original “real” Indy Trilogy had.

What is it?

Haven't seen CS, so YOU all who did see CS tell me if I'm onto something here with my “hunch” about CS?

Nonetheless, that kid Chia Pet from Bay's “TF” being in CS is a bad omen.

 

I like you. Don't ever change.

 

Orintho, I think you summed it up nicely and perfectly.

 

Just go rent it. Or better yet, go watch Lord of the Rings, there's lots of trolls in those.