Insulting Comments

[Gryffindorian]

I may not be as svelte as I used to back in my underwear modeling days ... but it always bothers me when one of my old friends makes a subtle (or not so subtle) comment about the way I look. I'm not the kind of person who judges someone based on his/her physical appearance, and, frankly, I think anyone who does just that is either shallow or needs a lesson in good manners.

My former boss, with whom I still stay in touch and see from time to time, is a fine-looking Asian woman in her late 50s. She's been in great shape all her life and stays pretty active and healthy, even in her retirement years. The past couple of times I've met her for lunch or some other place, she's always commented on my weight gain. I know she's a concerned friend and constantly asks about my health, but I would rather prefer that she not say anything about it. I find it rather offensive or insulting, which is the reason I haven't really corresponded with her and have made attempts to avoid her altogether.

Do you think people say insulting things to their friends on purpose, or are they just clueless?

 

[Elmo Dukat]

I may not be as svelte as I used to back in my underwear modeling days ... but it always bothers me when one of my old friends makes a subtle (or not so subtle) comment about the way I look. I'm not the kind of person who judges someone based on his/her physical appearance, and, frankly, I think anyone who does just that is either shallow or needs a lesson in good manners.

My former boss, with whom I still stay in touch and see from time to time, is a fine-looking Asian woman in her late 50s. She's been in great shape all her life and stays pretty active and healthy, even in her retirement years. The past couple of times I've met her for lunch or some other place, she's always commented on my weight gain. I know she's a concerned friend and constantly asks about my health, but I would rather prefer that she not say anything about it. I find it rather offensive or insulting, which is the reason I haven't really corresponded with her and have made attempts to avoid her altogether.

Do you think people say insulting things to their friends on purpose, or are they just clueless?

These days weight is a public issue, especially if you're a woman. It's our own fault, really --- we feed into it, yap about diets and weight loss schemes and other people's butts endlessly --- but it's time to take back our bodies. Really, our weight is nobody's business but our own. Same with our health.

This society promotes creating a pecking order based on health, or perceived health. The healthier you are, the better moral human being you are. If you are perceived as unhealthy, especially in some way that you could have seemingly "helped," you drop dramatically in the pecking order.

Don't feed into it. Say that your body, weight, health, etc are your business, and you don't feel comfortable discussing them with anyone except your physician. She should at least be able to respect that. If she doesn't, maybe you'd educate her a little about privacy, and that weight/health doesn't make someone a better or worse human being.

 

[the Dagman]

Mostly clueless, but on purpose as well.

Some people are just so opinionated and unable to hold their tongue they just blurt out whatever comes to mind without a thought about how it may sound or affect others within earshot. They also have a problem of seeing other people's points of view, so they do not even realize they have said anything wrong or offensive. So when you call them on what they are saying, they are the ones that often takes offense for that for daring to question what they think was a perfectly rational thing to say or do.

 

[Captain Intrepid]

Really, our weight is nobody's business but our own. Same with our health.

My friends' health is my business. Because I love them, and I don't want to see them suffering in any way.

 

[Guartho]

I may not be as svelte as I used to back in my underwear modeling days ...

This thread is useless without pictures.


OT:
I have an uncle that pokes me in the stomach and makes a comment every time he sees me. He's the only member of my family that I really don't like. There's lots of other reasons. He's pretty much an all-around tool. Thing is, he's got more extra weight than I do and as far as I can tell from old pictures the smallest he's been is the same as me.

 

[JonathonWally]

I may not be as svelte as I used to back in my underwear modeling days ... but it always bothers me when one of my old friends makes a subtle (or not so subtle) comment about the way I look. I'm not the kind of person who judges someone based on his/her physical appearance, and, frankly, I think anyone who does just that is either shallow or needs a lesson in good manners.

My former boss, with whom I still stay in touch and see from time to time, is a fine-looking Asian woman in her late 50s. She's been in great shape all her life and stays pretty active and healthy, even in her retirement years. The past couple of times I've met her for lunch or some other place, she's always commented on my weight gain. I know she's a concerned friend and constantly asks about my health, but I would rather prefer that she not say anything about it. I find it rather offensive or insulting, which is the reason I haven't really corresponded with her and have made attempts to avoid her altogether.

Do you think people say insulting things to their friends on purpose, or are they just clueless?

How much weight and was it a short amount of time? If so, genuine concern.

 

[Elmo Dukat]

Really, our weight is nobody's business but our own. Same with our health.

My friends' health is my business. Because I love them, and I don't want to see them suffering in any way.

Unless you're their personal doctor, you don't know how healthy someone truly is. You certainly can't tell by looking at them.

I'm assuming your friends are adults. If you're in the kind of relationship where they encourage your open advice about matters on which you're not an expert, that's their business. But if not, be mindful that they're just as intelligent, responsible, and self-aware as you are. And the first people to know someone has a health problem? Besides a doctor, usually the person him/herself. If they're not actively soliciting your advice about their health, a good rule of thumb is not to approach someone about it.

Because, when it comes down to it, no, your friends' health is not your business. It's their business. If they want to talk to you about it, it's still their business, and if they shun your advice you need to back off. You're not their doctor, and you're not them.

I understand the concern you're talking about, and that you believe you're just being a good friend, but your concern still doesn't make it your business. I'm sure you won't see it that way, but take it from someone who has been "approached" by others who don't know a thing about my health profile, acting "concerned." And most were genuine. They were all wrong, and their condescension has made me distance myself from them, which is sad, since we had fairly good friendships before they decided they were better at being humans than I was. All because of what they perceived my health profile to be, simply by looking at me.

There's a reason it takes eight years to get through medical school.

 

[Guartho]

There's a reason it takes eight years to get through medical school.

I do not want to be one of that doctor's patients.

 

[TGTheodore]

Some friends take their clues from your existing relationship. Have the two of you always been able to kid each other about anything?

My friends can kid me about almost anything: age, senility, success (or lack thereof) in dating, etc., and we know each other well enough to know which subjects to avoid.

If these comments truly bother you, then just let these people know. If they're actually your friends, they'll probably be mortified, apologize sincerely and never bother you about it again.

If they shrug off your request or keep making comments that upset you, then they're not your friends.

In either case, you need to mention that you'd prefer not to discuss the subject of your weight.

--Ted

 

[CookieMonster]

Since I hit puberty my aunt and my grandmother on my mothers side have had a tendency to pinch my hips and mention how I am a little hippy. Maybe I should lay off the pizza and soda.

I dont eat pizza and I dont drink soda.

Funny thing is that both of them have hips so damn big I can fit both my thighs and hips into one of their pant legs.

I dont go visit them for a reason.

 

[SubZero]

I get insulted when wrongful accusations are made, not when truths are told.

 

[JNG]

I know she's a concerned friend and constantly asks about my health, but I would rather prefer that she not say anything about it. I find it rather offensive or insulting, which is the reason I haven't really corresponded with her and have made attempts to avoid her altogether.

Do you think people say insulting things to their friends on purpose, or are they just clueless?

Maybe she would "rather prefer" that you weren't fat, and finds it offensive or insulting.

Do you think fat people want to gross everyone out with their fat, or are they just clueless?

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

Since I hit puberty my aunt and my grandmother on my mothers side have had a tendency to pinch my hips and mention how I am a little hippy. Maybe I should lay off the pizza and soda.

I dont eat pizza and I dont drink soda.

Funny thing is that both of them have hips so damn big I can fit both my thighs and hips into one of their pant legs.

I dont go visit them for a reason.

Tell 'em you're damn proud of your curves, thank you very much. Even though fashion designers don't design like it, you're healthier and (at least from my womanly perspective) better-looking if you actually HAVE curves instead of looking like a rail.

 

[CookieMonster]

Since I hit puberty my aunt and my grandmother on my mothers side have had a tendency to pinch my hips and mention how I am a little hippy. Maybe I should lay off the pizza and soda.

I dont eat pizza and I dont drink soda.

Funny thing is that both of them have hips so damn big I can fit both my thighs and hips into one of their pant legs.

I dont go visit them for a reason.

Tell 'em you're damn proud of your curves, thank you very much. Even though fashion designers don't design like it, you're healthier and (at least from my womanly perspective) better-looking if you actually HAVE curves instead of looking like a rail.

QFT I am a sexy beast and I know it. I use it to my advantage as well

 

[Gryffindorian]

How much weight and was it a short amount of time? If so, genuine concern.

It's kind of a steady weight in the past couple of years or so. My BMI is 26 or 27 for a guy my age and height, which is just over the ideal 25 and below range (even when I had a gym membership). It could be my metabolism slowing down as I hit my 30s; it could be the medication I've been taking. I still keep pretty active and do cardio exercise five to six days a week.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

at IceHoneyRose

Part of why I hate buying dresses, and pretty much always wear suits, is that dress designers don't know how to create something for a nice set of hips. To get a skirt that flows the right way would generally require me to get something that looks bad at the waist. Very irritating.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I get insulted when wrongful accusations are made, not when truths are told.

Same here, but one (unless he/she's ignorant, shallow-minded, or just plain rude) doesn't go around telling people, "Hey, you're blind!" or "Why do you have dark skin and purple hair?" or "Geez, your eyes are so tiny" or "You look Jewish," whatever that means.

 

[tharpdevenport]

You must also consider it's not an insulting comment. How you take it and what it is can be two different things.

Your friend might be genuinally concerend for your health. She may even want to see you healthier; maybe she cares a little.

And obesity does have negative health consequences, and if she comments came from an obese person, it might be conern from someone who has had to suffer from such consequences, and you'd be wise to listen.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I know she's a concerned friend and constantly asks about my health, but I would rather prefer that she not say anything about it. I find it rather offensive or insulting, which is the reason I haven't really corresponded with her and have made attempts to avoid her altogether.

Do you think people say insulting things to their friends on purpose, or are they just clueless?

Maybe she would "rather prefer" that you weren't fat, and finds it offensive or insulting.

Do you think fat people want to gross everyone out with their fat, or are they just clueless?

Who said anything about being fat? Even if that were the case, it would be inconsequential. In response to your question, I wouldn't know. Check with your psychiatrist; your perception of reality is rather ... warped.

EDIT:

Now that's an insulting comment.

 

[CookieMonster]

at IceHoneyRose

Part of why I hate buying dresses, and pretty much always wear suits, is that dress designers don't know how to create something for a nice set of hips. To get a skirt that flows the right way would generally require me to get something that looks bad at the waist. Very irritating.

What I started doing IS, I buy clothing to fit my larger chest and hips and then tailor them to suit my smaller waist and short legs. I have a hard time with denim so I dont bother. I just tailor my slacks and my blouses....oh yes and my dresses too.

Thank god for sewing machines.....now where is mine?