Is phonesex cheating?

You're missing the point. By miles. People's ideas about what is cheating are clearly different. I don't consider phone sex cheating. Easy. If it were my girlfriend, I wouldn't consider her to have been cheating. Easy.
Is the OP's relationship in trouble. Certainly. I don't know if the girl considered what she was doing to be cheating, but if she knew he did and did it anyway, there's a problem, or, if she didn't know that he considered it such, there's a problem. Easy.

 

Just curious what you do consider as cheating then. Would mutual masturbation be cheating if it was in the same room? What about in the same room with blindfolds so they can't see each other?

 

It IS cheating any way you slice it, its "acceptable cheating" if there is a mutually understood agreement that it is ok...aka "legal cheating".

In the case of the original poster; she clearly did not tell him (she was hiding it); they were in a relationship; HE considered it cheating...hence a problem.

RAMA

 

^No, it's not cheating any way you slice it. That's too simplistic. That's too junior high. It wouldn't be cheating in my relationship.

Like I said before, I am very open-minded about sex and have very modern ideas on the subject. I don't consider phone sex cheating because I think it's funny. That's just my opinion. However, if I was in a relationship with some one whom, for some bizarre reason, agreed with me on 90% of sexual topics but considered phone sex cheating then I wouldn't engage in that activity out of respect for him (not that I'd engage in it anyway, given my opinion on it). Cheating isn't a black and white issue, and I haven't thought it to be, or dated anyone who thought it was since high school. Each relationship has it's own definition and boundaries. I hate to be so vague about it, but grown-up relationships aren't black and white; my opinion on your examples being cheating would depend on the relationship I was in, and the circumstances under which the sexual activity took place.

When I look back on RAMA's post I think I may have misunderstood what he thought I was confused about, and that was this undefined "emotional cheating." To me the idea that a boyfriend can expect his girlfriend to forget about, and no longer find pleasure in remembering previous loves and relationships; and for a boyfriend to want to be the sole subject of his girlfriend's sexual interests (that's interests, not activities); and for a boyfriend to want complete monopoly over his girlfriend's sexual thoughts and emotions, are all utterly absurd. My boyfriend will never own my mind. My actions, are a different matter, however. That's why I made the distinction between having feelings for another man and acting on them, and between fantasizing and making fantasies a reality.
(Though I have to say, I'd be happy to make one of those lists of celebrities I and my partner are allowed to sleep with should we get the chance, like they did on Friends. )

 

If you're going to call it "legal" or "acceptable" then why add the term "cheating" at all?

It's a tough call whether I'd personally feel more violated if I thought my partner had had phone sex with an ex and enjoyed it, or if I found out they'd gone through my computer like a neurotic head-case.

Ideally you set up rules in advance to determine as best as possible what is and is not allowable within your relationship. Clearly in this case, if there were rules, they either didn't cover this or one or both of you _believes_ they didn't cover this.

I think breaking-up probably is the best move, unless you're both willing to acknowledge that you made mistakes and have trust issues and work on establishing some basic guidelines regarding future conduct. If you try to claim that you were somehow justfied in essentially breaking into her computer though...well, don't expect to find me supporting you.

I also feel there's a large and pertinent distinction between being an uninvolved partner in phone-sex and being an active and willing (or, particularly damming, initiating) participant.

If and when I have a relationship I'd probably ban phone-sex with others, but conversely I don't care if they have cybersex with others as long as I don't walk in on the middle of anything and they aren't getting _emotionally_ involved in it to a degree that it's conflicting with their feelings for me. By that token, maybe I really shouldn't give a damn about phone-sex either. Oh well, I can always change my mind later.

 

I actually found myself in that situation, and when someone close to me found out, accused me of cheating on my SO emotionally. It was pretty traumatic all around but it has made me realize that people have very different views from one another. And I've realized that I'm not sure where lines should be drawn, really.

 

IMO, they should be drawn wherever you and your partner decide to draw them after discussing the topic.

 

I consider emotional cheating to be your partner being in love with someone else while they are still dating you. In my opinion that's worse than physical cheating. It's not a crime to be interested in someone else while you're dating, but that should never get to the falling in love stage because you shouldn't let it get that far (by doing things like meeting with them one-on-one, having overly emotional discussions with them, especially talking to them about any problems you're having with your current SO). Just like with physical cheating, if you know you're going to be tempted, don't put yourself in that kind of comprimising situation. And if you do find yourself in love with someone else, tell your partner so that they understand the situation and you can both make an informed decision on what to do next (you don't necessarily have to break up, but you basically have to choose one and cut ties with the other if it's ever going to work out with either person).

 

Did she know that he was having a wank while she was talking to him or did he do it on the sly and then mention it afterwards?

 

She knew at the time. It was kind of a surprise to her when he started but she talking him through the um, till he finished.

We aren't breaking up over it. We have both apologized. I still consider it cheating and she doesn't but we agree we both wronged each other. I'm at her place right now and shes at work. She told me no snooping and I told her that if a man calls her she should make sure hes not masturbating before she talks to him. Her reply to that was, "OH, NOT masturbating! I've missed SO many calls because of that."

I believe we will be ok.

 

Violating privacy in order to know the truth

Many, many, MANY years ago I had a girlfriend who went to springbreak with a girlfriend, she camer back with hiccy's on her neck and a story that yeah, she made out with a guy, but that was it. Drove me crazy, I had to know what really happened. I read her diary when she wasn't around and found out she had slept with 3 guys in the 10 days she was gone. Now, yes, it was wrong for me to violate her privacy, very wrong. I admit that. But I was engaged to this girl and I'm glad I found out she was such a whore that I called off the wedding. I dated this girl for 7 years and thought I knew her well. This thing shook me so bad I didn't have another serious relationship for 10 years. I just could not trust.

So, yes it was wrong to read her diary, but no, I am not sorry I did it because it kept me from making a HUGE mistake and marrying her.

 

Re: Violating privacy in order to know the truth

You did good, and I don't blame you. Fucking hell, the nerve of some people...I hope you gave her friend, who probably knew about it, the what-for as well.

 

Re: Violating privacy in order to know the truth

Yeah, her friend knew about it. She was doing some other stranger in the next bed. Actually, I never even met her friend. She knew her from her work.

 

I think you're getting overly caught in terms and what you do. I've never suggested you are a trollop!

My point is quite simple, whatever you want to call it, whether you consider it cheating or not, there are obvious issues in the relationship in question. There's a huge trust issue at least. This should be worked on. Or they should call it quits.

I'm actually quite open when it comes to relationship things like this. But, it all has to be built on trust. Without trust, no matter how liberal or conservative you are on this issue, it won't work.

Mr Awe

 

Hm, so if phonesex is cheating, is it cheating to pleasure yourself, alone, while thinking about someone else who is not your partner? Is it worse if that someone else is an ex partner?

 

I don't think your girlfriend cares that much about you, or her Ex. You're just "boys" to her. Don't think so? Can you imagine her doing this if she loved you? Here's the rub, pal: you might love her, and doing something stupidly jealous like checking her email is something an ill advised, crazed lover might do. But jerking off her Ex with her voice is not.

 

Yes.

 

Hm, so what if it's someone you've met online. For instance, I might be getting busy to the wonderful Tbonz but I've never met her since she's thousands of kilometres away

 

I know you didn't! I was just worried that if I didn't make clear the distinction, people might not realize that having an open mind regarding sex does not equal slut.

I agree with all of that.