Is phonesex cheating?

[thestrangequark]

It doesn't matter if it doesn't negate feelings of a past relationship...what matters is ACTING upon it!! It includes verbal, physical and emotional interaction with someone who is not currently in a relationship with you in a sexual capacity. By any definition its cheating, including the simplest one...doing something that you would not do around your current significant other. I don't understand how this can be confused.

RAMA

You're missing the point. By miles. People's ideas about what is cheating are clearly different. I don't consider phone sex cheating. Easy. If it were my girlfriend, I wouldn't consider her to have been cheating. Easy.
Is the OP's relationship in trouble. Certainly. I don't know if the girl considered what she was doing to be cheating, but if she knew he did and did it anyway, there's a problem, or, if she didn't know that he considered it such, there's a problem. Easy.

 

[Captain Intrepid]

It doesn't matter if it doesn't negate feelings of a past relationship...what matters is ACTING upon it!! It includes verbal, physical and emotional interaction with someone who is not currently in a relationship with you in a sexual capacity. By any definition its cheating, including the simplest one...doing something that you would not do around your current significant other. I don't understand how this can be confused.

RAMA

You're missing the point. By miles. People's ideas about what is cheating are clearly different. I don't consider phone sex cheating. Easy. If it were my girlfriend, I wouldn't consider her to have been cheating. Easy.
Is the OP's relationship in trouble. Certainly. I don't know if the girl considered what she was doing to be cheating, but if she knew he did and did it anyway, there's a problem, or, if she didn't know that he considered it such, there's a problem. Easy.

Just curious what you do consider as cheating then. Would mutual masturbation be cheating if it was in the same room? What about in the same room with blindfolds so they can't see each other?

 

[RAMA]

It doesn't matter if it doesn't negate feelings of a past relationship...what matters is ACTING upon it!! It includes verbal, physical and emotional interaction with someone who is not currently in a relationship with you in a sexual capacity. By any definition its cheating, including the simplest one...doing something that you would not do around your current significant other. I don't understand how this can be confused.

RAMA

You're missing the point. By miles. People's ideas about what is cheating are clearly different. I don't consider phone sex cheating. Easy. If it were my girlfriend, I wouldn't consider her to have been cheating. Easy.
Is the OP's relationship in trouble. Certainly. I don't know if the girl considered what she was doing to be cheating, but if she knew he did and did it anyway, there's a problem, or, if she didn't know that he considered it such, there's a problem. Easy.

It IS cheating any way you slice it, its "acceptable cheating" if there is a mutually understood agreement that it is ok...aka "legal cheating".

In the case of the original poster; she clearly did not tell him (she was hiding it); they were in a relationship; HE considered it cheating...hence a problem.

RAMA

 

[thestrangequark]

^No, it's not cheating any way you slice it. That's too simplistic. That's too junior high. It wouldn't be cheating in my relationship.

It doesn't matter if it doesn't negate feelings of a past relationship...what matters is ACTING upon it!! It includes verbal, physical and emotional interaction with someone who is not currently in a relationship with you in a sexual capacity. By any definition its cheating, including the simplest one...doing something that you would not do around your current significant other. I don't understand how this can be confused.

RAMA

You're missing the point. By miles. People's ideas about what is cheating are clearly different. I don't consider phone sex cheating. Easy. If it were my girlfriend, I wouldn't consider her to have been cheating. Easy.
Is the OP's relationship in trouble. Certainly. I don't know if the girl considered what she was doing to be cheating, but if she knew he did and did it anyway, there's a problem, or, if she didn't know that he considered it such, there's a problem. Easy.

Just curious what you do consider as cheating then. Would mutual masturbation be cheating if it was in the same room? What about in the same room with blindfolds so they can't see each other?

Like I said before, I am very open-minded about sex and have very modern ideas on the subject. I don't consider phone sex cheating because I think it's funny. That's just my opinion. However, if I was in a relationship with some one whom, for some bizarre reason, agreed with me on 90% of sexual topics but considered phone sex cheating then I wouldn't engage in that activity out of respect for him (not that I'd engage in it anyway, given my opinion on it). Cheating isn't a black and white issue, and I haven't thought it to be, or dated anyone who thought it was since high school. Each relationship has it's own definition and boundaries. I hate to be so vague about it, but grown-up relationships aren't black and white; my opinion on your examples being cheating would depend on the relationship I was in, and the circumstances under which the sexual activity took place.

When I look back on RAMA's post I think I may have misunderstood what he thought I was confused about, and that was this undefined "emotional cheating." To me the idea that a boyfriend can expect his girlfriend to forget about, and no longer find pleasure in remembering previous loves and relationships; and for a boyfriend to want to be the sole subject of his girlfriend's sexual interests (that's interests, not activities); and for a boyfriend to want complete monopoly over his girlfriend's sexual thoughts and emotions, are all utterly absurd. My boyfriend will never own my mind. My actions, are a different matter, however. That's why I made the distinction between having feelings for another man and acting on them, and between fantasizing and making fantasies a reality.
(Though I have to say, I'd be happy to make one of those lists of celebrities I and my partner are allowed to sleep with should we get the chance, like they did on Friends. )

 

[DonIago]

If you're going to call it "legal" or "acceptable" then why add the term "cheating" at all?

It's a tough call whether I'd personally feel more violated if I thought my partner had had phone sex with an ex and enjoyed it, or if I found out they'd gone through my computer like a neurotic head-case.

Ideally you set up rules in advance to determine as best as possible what is and is not allowable within your relationship. Clearly in this case, if there were rules, they either didn't cover this or one or both of you _believes_ they didn't cover this.

I think breaking-up probably is the best move, unless you're both willing to acknowledge that you made mistakes and have trust issues and work on establishing some basic guidelines regarding future conduct. If you try to claim that you were somehow justfied in essentially breaking into her computer though...well, don't expect to find me supporting you.

I also feel there's a large and pertinent distinction between being an uninvolved partner in phone-sex and being an active and willing (or, particularly damming, initiating) participant.

If and when I have a relationship I'd probably ban phone-sex with others, but conversely I don't care if they have cybersex with others as long as I don't walk in on the middle of anything and they aren't getting _emotionally_ involved in it to a degree that it's conflicting with their feelings for me. By that token, maybe I really shouldn't give a damn about phone-sex either. Oh well, I can always change my mind later.

 

[Kestra]

If I develop feelings for another man but never act on them because my current relationship is important to me, is that emotional cheating? Because you can love more than one person at once.

I actually found myself in that situation, and when someone close to me found out, accused me of cheating on my SO emotionally. It was pretty traumatic all around but it has made me realize that people have very different views from one another. And I've realized that I'm not sure where lines should be drawn, really.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

And I've realized that I'm not sure where lines should be drawn, really.

IMO, they should be drawn wherever you and your partner decide to draw them after discussing the topic.

 

[Spot's Meow]

I consider emotional cheating to be your partner being in love with someone else while they are still dating you. In my opinion that's worse than physical cheating. It's not a crime to be interested in someone else while you're dating, but that should never get to the falling in love stage because you shouldn't let it get that far (by doing things like meeting with them one-on-one, having overly emotional discussions with them, especially talking to them about any problems you're having with your current SO). Just like with physical cheating, if you know you're going to be tempted, don't put yourself in that kind of comprimising situation. And if you do find yourself in love with someone else, tell your partner so that they understand the situation and you can both make an informed decision on what to do next (you don't necessarily have to break up, but you basically have to choose one and cut ties with the other if it's ever going to work out with either person).

 

[Jono]

Was what happened her intention? Or were they just talking, they got onto old sexy times and he got worked up and used it as the opportunity to knock one out?

Thats how she explained it.

Did she know that he was having a wank while she was talking to him or did he do it on the sly and then mention it afterwards?

 

[PluckyNinja]

Did she know that he was having a wank while she was talking to him or did he do it on the sly and then mention it afterwards?

She knew at the time. It was kind of a surprise to her when he started but she talking him through the um, till he finished.

We aren't breaking up over it. We have both apologized. I still consider it cheating and she doesn't but we agree we both wronged each other. I'm at her place right now and shes at work. She told me no snooping and I told her that if a man calls her she should make sure hes not masturbating before she talks to him. Her reply to that was, "OH, NOT masturbating! I've missed SO many calls because of that."

I believe we will be ok.

 

[Kail]

Violating privacy in order to know the truth

Many, many, MANY years ago I had a girlfriend who went to springbreak with a girlfriend, she camer back with hiccy's on her neck and a story that yeah, she made out with a guy, but that was it. Drove me crazy, I had to know what really happened. I read her diary when she wasn't around and found out she had slept with 3 guys in the 10 days she was gone. Now, yes, it was wrong for me to violate her privacy, very wrong. I admit that. But I was engaged to this girl and I'm glad I found out she was such a whore that I called off the wedding. I dated this girl for 7 years and thought I knew her well. This thing shook me so bad I didn't have another serious relationship for 10 years. I just could not trust.

So, yes it was wrong to read her diary, but no, I am not sorry I did it because it kept me from making a HUGE mistake and marrying her.

 

[Ben Sisko3]

Re: Violating privacy in order to know the truth

Many, many, MANY years ago I had a girlfriend who went to springbreak with a girlfriend, she camer back with hiccy's on her neck and a story that yeah, she made out with a guy, but that was it. Drove me crazy, I had to know what really happened. I read her diary when she wasn't around and found out she had slept with 3 guys in the 10 days she was gone. Now, yes, it was wrong for me to violate her privacy, very wrong. I admit that. But I was engaged to this girl and I'm glad I found out she was such a whore that I called off the wedding. I dated this girl for 7 years and thought I knew her well. This thing shook me so bad I didn't have another serious relationship for 10 years. I just could not trust.

So, yes it was wrong to read her diary, but no, I am not sorry I did it because it kept me from making a HUGE mistake and marrying her.

You did good, and I don't blame you. Fucking hell, the nerve of some people...I hope you gave her friend, who probably knew about it, the what-for as well.

 

[Kail]

Re: Violating privacy in order to know the truth

Many, many, MANY years ago I had a girlfriend who went to springbreak with a girlfriend, she camer back with hiccy's on her neck and a story that yeah, she made out with a guy, but that was it. Drove me crazy, I had to know what really happened. I read her diary when she wasn't around and found out she had slept with 3 guys in the 10 days she was gone. Now, yes, it was wrong for me to violate her privacy, very wrong. I admit that. But I was engaged to this girl and I'm glad I found out she was such a whore that I called off the wedding. I dated this girl for 7 years and thought I knew her well. This thing shook me so bad I didn't have another serious relationship for 10 years. I just could not trust.

So, yes it was wrong to read her diary, but no, I am not sorry I did it because it kept me from making a HUGE mistake and marrying her.

You did good, and I don't blame you. Fucking hell, the nerve of some people...I hope you gave her friend, who probably knew about it, the what-for as well.

Yeah, her friend knew about it. She was doing some other stranger in the next bed. Actually, I never even met her friend. She knew her from her work.

 

[Mr Awe]

^I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks applying the label of "cheating" to phone sex is a bit of an overreaction.

I'd classify it more as emotional cheating. The thoughts and intentions are there if not the physical act. They should either work out the underlying issues or call it quits.

To pretend there is no issue is just silly. It's not an overreaction to say there is trouble in this relationship.

Mr Awe

I certainly agree that the relationship is in trouble, and I never said otherwise. I was just surprised at the number of people who consider something as ridiculous as phone sex to be cheating. But as I said in subsequent posts, it is important that both parties know each others' opinions and if they don't share them then agree on the rules to follow. If both parties agreed that phone sex constituted cheating, then she was doing something wrong (still not nearly as wrong as what he did). If he was clear that he felt that way from the beginning, and she agreed to respect that feeling, then again, what she did was wrong. I personally think it's silly, but that's my opinion.
As for "emotional cheating" I don't really know what you mean by that. Hypothetically: If I spend an afternoon's commute reminiscing about the good times I had with my ex, is that emotional cheating? Being in a relationship doesn't change the fact that I loved some one before. If I fantasize about another man while in a relationship, is that emotional cheating? Because damned if I'm going to date some one who won't let me imagine sharing the Tardis with David Tennant. If I develop feelings for another man but never act on them because my current relationship is important to me, is that emotional cheating? Because you can love more than one person at once.
It is very simplistic to believe that a relationship negates all previous ones and negates sexual attraction towards others. And it is equally simplistic to believe that having such thoughts in any way detracts from a relationship or lessens the love one partner has for another. I think any partner who feels entitled to such complete and impractical emotional control over the other is immature, and any relationship in which one or both partners feel that way is doomed. I'm not a trollop, I'm not a cheater, and I believe that a healthy relationship requires honesty and loyalty as well as love. But neither am I a nun, I'm not married to Jesus, and I'm not going to say a dozen Hail Marys every time a guy with a nice bum catches my eye.

I think you're getting overly caught in terms and what you do. I've never suggested you are a trollop!

My point is quite simple, whatever you want to call it, whether you consider it cheating or not, there are obvious issues in the relationship in question. There's a huge trust issue at least. This should be worked on. Or they should call it quits.

I'm actually quite open when it comes to relationship things like this. But, it all has to be built on trust. Without trust, no matter how liberal or conservative you are on this issue, it won't work.

Mr Awe

 

[Mitty]

Hm, so if phonesex is cheating, is it cheating to pleasure yourself, alone, while thinking about someone else who is not your partner? Is it worse if that someone else is an ex partner?

 

[CaptainStoner]

I don't think your girlfriend cares that much about you, or her Ex. You're just "boys" to her. Don't think so? Can you imagine her doing this if she loved you? Here's the rub, pal: you might love her, and doing something stupidly jealous like checking her email is something an ill advised, crazed lover might do. But jerking off her Ex with her voice is not.

 

[Alidar Jarok]

Hm, so if phonesex is cheating, is it cheating to pleasure yourself, alone, while thinking about someone else who is not your partner? Is it worse if that someone else is an ex partner?

I think it's bad if you personally know the person you're thinking about who you're not dating. If you don't know the person, it's not that big of a deal.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

Yes.

 

[Mitty]

Hm, so if phonesex is cheating, is it cheating to pleasure yourself, alone, while thinking about someone else who is not your partner? Is it worse if that someone else is an ex partner?

I think it's bad if you personally know the person you're thinking about who you're not dating. If you don't know the person, it's not that big of a deal.

Hm, so what if it's someone you've met online. For instance, I might be getting busy to the wonderful Tbonz but I've never met her since she's thousands of kilometres away

 

[thestrangequark]

I think you're getting overly caught in terms and what you do. I've never suggested you are a trollop!

I know you didn't! I was just worried that if I didn't make clear the distinction, people might not realize that having an open mind regarding sex does not equal slut.

My point is quite simple, whatever you want to call it, whether you consider it cheating or not, there are obvious issues in the relationship in question. There's a huge trust issue at least. This should be worked on. Or they should call it quits.

I'm actually quite open when it comes to relationship things like this. But, it all has to be built on trust. Without trust, no matter how liberal or conservative you are on this issue, it won't work.

Mr Awe

I agree with all of that.