Is phonesex cheating?

[Pingfah]

Yeah, sometimes you just know when someone is bullshitting you though, and if they won't admit it you have little recourse but to satisfy yourself. You should have already made the decision to end it regardless of what you find by that point though.

Well, yeah. What's the point of confirming your suspicions when doing so violates the relationship in and of itself? What would have happened if he had looked at her email and found nothing? Then he would have been guilty of a complete asshole move and by doing it would have been faced with the option of either lying to her by omission (same thing she's guilty of-violating trust and not admitting it) or telling her, which would have ended the relationship anyway (assuming this girl has any self-respect at all).

He could have just taken the high road, told her that he knew that she wasn't disclosing everything and ended it based on the fact that the relationship clearly sucked anyway.

Well yeah, but if it's over anyway you might as well find out for sure. If you are convinced enough to do that, assuming it's not the sort of thing that you do at the drop of a hat, then presumably you are past the point of caring about the privacy of someone you think is screwing you over.

The fact that he reached this point now doesn't necessarily mean he did anything to push the relationship to that point. Or maybe he did, with only one side of the story available we'll never know.

 

[nevermore]

^True.

 

[thestrangequark]

It's not cheating, in my opinion.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

It's not cheating, in my opinion.

Why do you think so?

Now as I understand it, she just sat there and listened while the guy on the other end of the line did his thing. If that's the case, then *maybe* that's not cheating. But if she was actively into it, then that does seem like cheating.

 

[thestrangequark]

It's not cheating, in my opinion.

Why do you think so?

Now as I understand it, she just sat there and listened while the guy on the other end of the line did his thing. If that's the case, then *maybe* that's not cheating. But if she was actively into it, then that does seem like cheating.

I suppose it is a combination of my having more open attitude towards sex, and thinking that phone sex is about the silliest thing in the world. I couldn't take it seriously enough to consider it cheating, and I wouldn't consider dating a guy who would take it so seriously. In either case it is nothing compared to reading some one else's email.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

thinking that phone sex is about the silliest thing in the world.

Your ideas are interesting and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

In either case it is nothing compared to reading some one else's email.

I'm cool with that too.

 

[Count Zero]

I wouldn't consider phone sex cheating. Just weird. I mean, it's like having sex in your thoughts and no one would think that that's cheating.
That said, you seem to have serious troubles in your relationship and violating your girlfriend's privacy like that is a no-go.

 

[thestrangequark]

^I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks applying the label of "cheating" to phone sex is a bit of an overreaction.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Yeah, I think it's cheating. You were right to be suspicious obviously. Looking at someone's email is nowhere near as bad as cheating.

 

[PluckyNinja]

It's not cheating, in my opinion.

Why do you think so?

Now as I understand it, she just sat there and listened while the guy on the other end of the line did his thing. If that's the case, then *maybe* that's not cheating. But if she was actively into it, then that does seem like cheating.

She talked him through it.

 

[thestrangequark]

^I still don't think it's cheating. If I ever caught a boyfriend doing that I'd laugh. And I think that going through some one else's mail without their permission is far worse.

 

[Neroon]

^ Would it be cheating if the two parties involved are married, and one engages in the phonesex with a third person?

 

[thestrangequark]

^Not for me. But I think it important to realize that what is considered to be cheating obviously varies from couple to couple.

 

[Spot's Meow]

I think that reading email is not as bad becuase of the way I define relationships I guess. Outside of a relationship I can be a pretty private person, but with my partner I'm as open as you can be. I think about how I would feel if my boyfriend read my email without my permission, and honestly, I wouldn't care at all. Because I have nothing to hide. He likely wouldn't be reading anything he didn't know already anyway. The only situation I could see myself being annoyed with is if I was planning some sort of surprise party and he read about it. But then I'd be more upset about the party being messed up than about some invasion of privacy. Partners shouldn't have anything to hide from each other. So while it's not the nicest thing to do, it's way below cheating on my scale of bad things to do to your partner.

ETA: I don't feel this way about everyone in my life, only romantic relationships...if my mom read my email I would be super pissed. But my boyfriend plays a much different role (obviously) and therefore gets rights that others in my life don't.

 

[thestrangequark]

I think there's a difference between being open and honest in a relationship and disrespecting one another's privacy. While I can't imagine I'd have anything I'd want to hide from a partner, or that I'd keep guilty secrets, I would still be furious if he should read my private mail without my permissions. In my opinion it's snooping, and it's wrong -- be it your spouse, your child, your friend, and so on. I definitely hold reading her email as a much greater offense than her engaging in phone sex.
As for the phone sex, I'm trying, I really am, but I just can't take it seriously!

 

[PluckyNinja]

I guess to put it simply, when I'm in a relationship I expect my girlfriend to not help another man attain orgasm by any means.

 

[thestrangequark]

Again, I just have a very open attitude when it comes to sex. It's important when in a relationship that one is open and honest with one's partner when it comes to ideas and opinions about sex, and that attitudes and feelings are generally mutual.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Yeah, I think we all agree that the most important thing here is that no matter your opinion on phone sex, cheating, invasion of privacy, etc. your partner should hold the same view on it that you do. If you have different definitions about cheating then it's going to potentially cause some problems. If it's something that really offends you and she honestly doesn't see a problem with it, that's not going to fly. You're just not compatable.

 

[thestrangequark]

^Agreed. While opinions don't have to be inherently the same, it is important that both parties are aware of the others' opinions and either share them or feel the relationship is strong enough to respect and abide by their partner's ideas. You gotta be GGG!

 

[TorontoTrekker]

Engaging in phone sex is cheating and is therefore wrong.

I know what you meant, but I still want to amend that to say: "Engaging in phone sex with someone other than your significant other (or others, if you're polyamorous) is cheating."

After all, I may or may not have just entered into something resembling a relationship with someone who lives a thousand miles from me. (I know that's vague, but I'm really not sure how to describe what's happening.) Phone sex might be all we have except for once or twice a year when one of us is able to visit the other.