Well, that was a lot of words, saying nothing. But enough about Peter Jackson's
Tintin movie!
*ba-dum, tsh!*
Okay, I finally thought of an interesting flick to be made from The Hunt for Gollum: it turns out that, long before he gave up his wild ways, settled down, and found the Ring, Sméagol was a traveling rock star, the
Bon Jovi of the Gladden Fields, if you will. In his madness, Gollum retraces the path of his old band, so Aragorn, too, will end up visiting the sites of their greatest gigs. He'll arrive at an inn, and one of local old-timers will regale those present with the story of how the infamous rock god/sex maniac Sméagol rolled through and painted the town purple (don't ask!). Then he'll go to the the next town, and the pattern will repeat, except with increasing debauchery. (The extended Blu-ray cut will be unrated, and banned in most Middle Eastern countries due to copious and gratuitous nudity.)
There will be lots of bardcore performances of 80s hair metal classics like Def's Leppard's "Animal" and Warrant's "Cherry Pie," a real
Guardians of the Galaxy-style sales multiplier. The actual "hunt for Gollum" will just be fifteen or twenty minutes of bookend/flash-forwarded scenes, with the rock music biopic the main attraction.
Quentin Tarantino will call it his favorite movie of the year... but countless online wags will snark that the historic number of on-screen bare feet was the key factor. Turns out Sméagol had a thing for hobbit-maidens' ankles, you see.
(And bums.)
(And bosoms.)
(And, yes, he loved pipe-weed, too.)
(And yes, there will be officially licensed marijuana pipe-weed.)